Well, Here I am...

[Charly22]

Here I am, seeking comfort in a website. Ironic. The very thing I am despising, and turning bitter about. I have grown bitter that my husb seeks comfort in porn. I have known for a LONG time it is a problem. He has made great effort, even has made himself miserable to make me feel better. We have had THOUSANDS of discussions. We have tried his way, my way, no way, all roads lead to porn. I need to feel like I come first...and we are not arguing to find a way to make porn fit into our life. But that is what always ends up happening. I never had a problem with porn as a way to spice something up every once in awhile. But it has become an addiction to my husband. And I cannot accept it anymore. I cannot be ok with it. I hate it. And I feel like I am not as worthy to him if I am not ok with it. I am here to help myself...I love my husband, do not want to leave him, want to be there for him. He says I am not able to be there for him on this, because I am angry and bitter. He knows he has a problem, it will be his choice to keep trying. I am here to keep from going crazy in the meantime.....to keep from hating life because of this addiction of his. To feel a little lighter, more equipped to continue......=((

[Jacinda24]

Welcome! I think everyone here first thought the same thing about turning to the internet for support! However I don't believe the internet is to despise, it's the P industry which unfortunately now has exploited P tenfold. The internet can be a wonderful tool-just look at this community of people. I think you will find some wonderful advice here from really caring people along with some very heartfelt stories that will hit home BIG time. You don't have to be afraid or feel ashamed here-we all share a little piece of this one BIG hurt.
I think it's a very positive thing that your husband already admits that he has a problem, and it is ultimately up to him to want to make a change to really begin the road to recovery. I sure know what it's like to feel angry and bitter. It's a constant wheel of roller coaster emotions that I and many others struggle with. I welcome you again & i hope you will find some comfort here. : )

[Charly22]

Thanks for the welcome Jacinda. I have certainly come to hate the P industry, especially since the internet has allowed it to explode the way it has.

After posting here for the first time, I felt a little stronger, a little more true to myself, instead of lost in his world. I have tried for so long to find a way that is ok with the both of us. Seems impossible. The pattern has been either he is happy cause I am giving in and leaving him alone about, which in turn leaves me bitter and feeling "left out". Or, he is making efforts to leave it alone, which makes me happy, but turns him into a grieving depressed mess. So, we keep flippin it. He'll get his fix, I'll get pissed cause he did, I'll be bitter for so long that I cannot continue on that way, with the fighting and the distance. He has always been my best friend, my soul mate, he will say the same. So, it is really hurtful that I have to allow this to be in the middle of us. If not, he is not himself.

This did not start out as a problem. This grew into a problem. I never had a problem with using P as a tool to spice something up every once in a while. I feel like I had a hand in allowing it to become what it has turned into. I never thought in a million years that something like P could come between us. It is WAY bigger than I want to admit. Took me awhile to figure that out.

So, at the present moment, I am playing the "dont ask don't tell" game, for the sake of peace. My body is manifesting physical symptoms of the anxiety I have been experienceing for so long over this. I always thought I could handle anything. Overcome anything. I always thought I was what he looked forward to. And I am, as long as P is present in his life. When it is not, nothing is good enough.

So...for now...it is not being talked about, cause sometimes we talk too much, we damage each other with hurtful things, no nourishment. He is the most important thing to me, and I want to help. I have not been very good at that, with my anger and resentment. But I need things too....

[slowlybecomingbitter]

Charly,
I am really sorry to hear that something like P is getting in the way of your relationship with your husband. I hope that this site can aide you in your journey through such a difficult matter.

I could be wrong but it sounds like you guys are having a hard time communicating about his P use and how it makes you feel. I just want to encourage you to use this site to vent about how it makes you feel. There are appropriate times to tell him but that is when things are simmered down a bit. I have found this site truly helpful in letting me express all the negative feelings I have toward everything and then I found that my conversation with my bf and I was more productive. It was almost like my neg (yet completely valid) feelings no longer dictated how the conversation went between my bf and I. It helped me be more pointed and purposeful with what I said to him, I no longer blew up at him, and I was able to communicate how I felt about everything calmly.

I don't know if that was useful to you, communication is a biggy with this type of addiction. And I think it is one of the most important tools when battleing P addiction. I hope this helped.

SBB

[Charly22]

We communicate AN AWFUL LOT about his P use. Alot of times, I play the role of therapist, and allow him to vent and tell me what he needs to let out. This usually happens when he is trying to stay away from it, and he needs to vent or feel like he's gonna crack. So...I listen...I understand....I am sympathetic. I push down how it makes me feel in order for him to "cope", because he is at least trying to stay away from it. During these times, he is a mess, depressed, unable to handle stress, the norm for anyone trying to break an addiction.

Then, suddenly, his demeanor changes, he is happy about life, doing everything in the world to "spoil" me and make me feel better. This happens when he gives in to his urges. This is the recent stage, and I am so tired of trying to make him know how it makes me feel. He knows all this, we have discussed it millions of times. So, because he is happy now, I'm supposed to be happy and act like this problem does not exist. It eats away at me. He'll say I am not able to be there for him on this issue, but I feel it goes both ways. How do have sympathy when it is a constant in your face reminder that he will always choose that, it will always win, and I feel as though I must accept it if I want to continue my life with him. But as soon as he knew I might leave..it's a different story and he'd beg me to stay, he'd do whatever it takes. So.....this is such a broken record...I feel I need to do something different...instead of the same thing over and over and over........

[Charly22]

Today is very tough for me. I have plans to go out with an old girlfriend who I haven't seen in a long long time. I should be excited and looking forward to it. But I am not.....why....because I am tore up about what I know he will be doing all evening. I will go...I won't let it stop me...but what must happen inside for me to be ok with myself this evening, its a scary thing. Its a disconnection. What good can come from disconnecting yourself from your significant other?

[chrisliz]

Charly- Don't do what my husband and I did... ignore the problem. I knew he looked at p and hated it. We fought and he hid it. I knew he probably was still looking at p, but I didn't check the history on our computer anymore because I really didn't want to know. Eventually, he told me he stopped. He said he thought he was over it- it didn't interest him anymore. Just last week he told me that for the past two months he's been sneaking behind my back trying to find someone who would do one thing imparticular that I refuse to do in the bedroom, so to speak. Something that he had seen in p and always wanted to do. Luckily, he confessed this to me before he went too far. Now we've taken on the battle against his addiction and I'm here looking for support as well. What I'm trying to tell you is that pa doesn't stop with looking. If it continues, it erodes the mind until the addicted person can't control urges anymore. Do research- I've done a lot in just a short time- to learn the stages of the addiction. It ends eventually in the need to act out scenes- images won't satisfy him forever. Also know that you can't change him. If he doesn't realize it's an addiction and that there's a problem, you might not be able to help him. This is a fight he has to take on... all you can do is support a willing partner.

[sybil]

Hi there Charly,
First I just want to tell you as many have here, I am really sorry about the agony you are in right now. I'm not on this site much, I'm one of the fortunate ones who's husband admitted he had a problem before it worsened- caght then admitted. Either way, I've dealt with the feelings that being an SO evokes. They are awful.

What I wanted to say is how are YOU? Not his P addiction, or your feelings about him. We all know we can't change anyone only take care of ourselves. I guess I figured that if you are stronger and happier with yourself, you can better deal with anything life throws your way. I found that happened to me. At first, It was hard. finding out about his P addiction triggered my eating disorder which i fought so hard to get rid of over the years. I then got angry at myself for letting someone else's actions give me an excuse to "break down". I started to do a lot of self-evaluation and boy has that led me down another road- good but difficult.
I seem to have found "myself" again. It's hard to believe that something good can come out of something so destructive(PA). I'm not saying everything is perfect now, all we can hope for in this life is improvement not perfection. I also know my husband can relapse, but if/when he does, I will be stronger this time even though I know it will hurt.

Take care of yourself Charly. Treat people the way you want to be treated no matter what they do to you, and the sun will begin to shine even through all those clouds. Hope this didn't sound too preachy. This is just what helped me. Hang in there. Sybil

[Charly22]

I will never ignore the problem, I feel too strongly about this issue to ignore. There are times though, that the fighting and arguing becomes too much, and peace is needed. So, that's where I've been past few days. Trying to shut down my anger. I feel like I have been unproductive by being bitter and angry when it gets talked about. Trying to get myself in check so I can handle this in a productive way.

[Charly22]

As far as How am I? I am hopeful today. Yesterday I was feeling pretty lost and insecure and bitter, because I knew he would look while I was gone. But, one thing I have learned, I cannot monitor him. I used to. I used to dig in the computer for any evidence to throw against him. I told myself not too long ago, that I cannot monitor him. I am not his mother. I am not his babysitter. No good can come from that. I am hoping that he will become accountable and have to deal with the results of his actions, without me rubbing it in and pushing him away. So, that's exactly what has been happening. I have stepped away and left him to his own demise. I refuse to have any part of any of it.

So, the results this time: Guilt. On his own accord. He told me that he did look, and he is tired of feeling seperate from me on it. He would rather it was something we did as a couple. I think that is a step in the right direction. But I fear it will only fuel his fire. It will not be enough, I will end up bitter AGAIN, for not being ENOUGH.

So, I am trying to tell myself that this is his problem, but at the same time, be a supportive wife. I want to have "favor" in his eyes. Hard to do, when I despise the very thing he thinks he loves.