My journey

[Disillusioned76]

First of all I have to say that I am very thankful to have found this site. I only wish I had found it years ago when I first learned of my husband's addiction to porn. I think it would have helped me to make different choices and saved me a lot of pain.
Where to begin...
I knew how I felt about p at a pretty young age. I have never been a prude, however as a feminist I realized the harm and degradation inherent in p. When I began dating the man who would later become my husband I was very up front about my beliefs, not in an “angry” way but just a matter of fact “hey, if you are in to strip clubs, porn, etc..I am just not your girl”. I just knew it wasn’t for me and I didn’t want it in a relationship. He told me that he was equally repelled by such things. In fact he would frequently make jokes throughout out relationship about other people who do such things. Needless to say the day I found all the p on his computer I was confused and devastated. We had been married about 1-1.5 years at this point. I was 24 and he was 31.
When I confronted him about it, the lies began. He told me that he had no idea how it all got on his computer. Said it must be some sort of virus. I wanted to believe him, but I am also not an idiot. I tried to let it go, but it wasn’t long before I found more. At first he was remorseful, but then he became angry. Every time he would promise to stop but all he did was lock down his computer more. I developed insomnia, worrying about what he was doing when he was on his computer late at night. I became deeply depressed and began having panic attacks. I was in grad school when it all began, studying to be a counselor of all things. My self esteem seriously began to erode. I thought I wasn’t sexy enough and spent a bunch of money on lingerie, and I never declined sex even when I didn’t feel in the mood due to fear that it would push him to the p. It didn’t make any difference.
Fast forward a few more years in our relationship. Things went from bad to worse. He was more and more emotionally unavailable and developed an interest in a co-worker. He denied it for months, said I was crazy. I felt needy and insecure. There were nights he would stay out until 4am, tons of pics of her in his phone, 2am text msgs from her. Now I was not only competing with p I was competing with a real person. He was also spending hundreds and thousands of $ on his credit cards and then not paying them. Money was an issue early on in our relationship as well and may be related to the SA…I never really could understand what he was spending all this money on. I enabled him by constantly transferring his debt into my name because I had better credit and could get a lower interest rate. I was such an idiot. I was deeply depressed at this point, nearly suicidal. I also had a very stressful job which was killing me. I told him I needed him, that I wanted to work on our relationship. He had already checked out… I finally decided that I needed to get a divorce in order to protect myself financially. He acted like he could care less about me but didn’t want to end our relationship. It was so confusing.
Then comes the part that I am ashamed of myself for. I developed a friendship with a man who eventually told me that he had feelings for me. He was really sweet and romantic (all just a lie to get in my pants I realize now). It just felt so good to be wanted, to think that someone cared. I fell for it and I had an affair. It didn’t last long because I came to my senses and ended things. My husband found out about it (this was all happening while we were in the process of the divorce) and acted so hurt. He still wouldn’t admit that he was doing anything inappropriate. He told his friends about my affair and I am sure they assume that this is the reason for our divorce. After all this, I get to be the bad guy. I had already been in counseling for over a year (I had been in counseling on and off throughout of our relationship because of the p). He agreed to finally go to counseling himself. He went twice and never told the therapist anything about what he was doing. The therapist told him that he needed to set better boundaries with me.
We were divorced in Aug. of last year but intended to still live together and see if we could work through our problems. I couldn’t take it…I was an emotional wreck. I found web cams and condoms he wasn’t using with me. He always had some crazy excuse…but I would still doubt myself. I moved out in Sept. and began taking antidepressants. Moving out was the BEST thing for me to do. I started to heal. I quit the job that was killing me and I began focusing on me. I went from being isolated and alone to having more friends than I knew what to do with.
At this point we have been living apart for a little over a year. He still wants to reconcile. We went to 2 couples counseling sessions. When I met with the therapist on my own for the third time, she bluntly told me to run not walk away from the relationship. Side note. While we are divorced, we still own property together…which has made it impossible for me to completely separate myself from him. I have to admit that I still care, I still love him. He says that he is willing to give up the porn if we reconcile, but it isn’t something that he would for himself. He doesn’t think that he has an addiction, but says that he doesn’t “need” porn anymore. He now admits that he “had intense feelings for his co-worker” but did not act on them. The condoms in his bag were because he had “considered” trying to pick someone up in a bar but “couldn’t follow through with it”. The missing condoms were used to “masturbate” with. The pics he has taken of himself were not sent to anyone, they were for himself because “he likes to watch himself masturbate”. The web cam was bought because he had considered putting himself on a dating web site but again “couldn’t follow through with it”. Still sounds like BS to me.
I feel really numb as I write this, but I feel like I am trapped in some sort of relationship purgatory. Like I can’t move on with my life. I don’t trust that he is telling me the truth about anything, but he is so good at getting me to doubt myself. Everyone thinks he is a great guy, and part of him is…this part of him is not. I don’t feel like I have ever really known who he is. I feel like giving up on the idea of relationships all together and that makes me really sad because I am only 32. It feels like porn is everywhere now. It is so main stream. Men get constant validation that it is completely acceptable. I don’t have the emotional reserves to fight it anymore. I feel like I have a one in a million chance of finding someone that doesn’t look a porn. I never wanted to be divorced. I thought I found the love of my life, my soul mate. It was all based on lies. In spite of so many good things in my life, it is hard to not let this drag me down. I will never be the same person again, I just feel so jaded and cynical. I feel like there is part of me that is broken inside and will never be able to be fixed again. =((

Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

[slowlybecomingbitter]

Disillusioned,
First, welcome to this site and second here is a BIG hug >:D<. Thanks for sharing your story, it sounds like a rough one to talk about. I think you will find that you came to the right place to talk about such things. I don't have much time to write, but I just want to encourage you and tell you that you are a strong person. Don't give up, and everyone here will try our best to help you through this journey of healing for you.

Best of luck!
SBB

[Disillusioned76]

Well, I just left his house. Another conversation about the porn that I don't think really went anywhere. He said that he is starting to feel hopeless about our relationship. Maybe he'll finally get to a point where he just walks away. Maybe that would be the easiest. I am tired and I know he is as well.
It just makes me angry...I mean I was never supposed to be in this position. I feel like the bitch, nag, wife (in my case even better ex-wife). I was so up front about my boundaries before we were even married. It was HIS choice. Then somehow through all of this, I became the one with the problem. I am too insecure.
He repeated again that he doesn't feel that he has any sort of addiction. He doesn't need any counseling. He says I just think that is the "right" way to do things because counseling has helped me, and I am a counselor myself. I told him that maybe I could buy that argument if this was early on in our relationship, like the first or second time that it was a problem. Fast forward eight years and many promises later. Obviously what you are doing hasn't been working too well. But, I am just supposed to believe that once again he has things figured out. It will be different this time. I am not sure if I feel any better with the thought that he didn't have an addiction and knew how much it hurt me and just didn't care. He said I am simply making a choice not to trust him. I wish it were that easy, like a switch I could flip inside my brain. That would be great. Is there an ignorance is bliss switch??
:-<

[Little lock]

Disillusioned76,

I am sorry for all that has happened to you. I am by no way an expert in this type of things, but your story is more common than you think among the SOs. Lies, hurt, betrayal, etc etc.

But you're not alone. The SOs will do their best to help you, I'm confident. The PAs, while we might not be able to understand, are doing all they can to quit and get out of that vile blackhole where good things go in and never come out.

Stay strong. TTF is behind you!:)

LL

[justagirl]

i'm not quite sure what to say in response to your story, but i'm sorry you're in such a tough position.
but, he will never truly quite unless he does it for himself. he can't do it for you or the relationship, he has to realize he has a problem and stop for himself.
i encourage you to continue counseling, that seems to help alot of people.
i was wondering tho, what kind of counselor do you have for this? like, how do you know/find out if they are experienced in this kind of issue? i'm looking for a counselor and i'm not sure where to start looking.

right now tho, you need to focus on healing yourself. you may have done some regretful things, we all have, but you ARE hurting, and you need to heal.

i'm not quite sure what else to say, as i am also a SO and i don't even know what to do in my situation.

we're all here for you. >:D<