Talk is not cheap....it's a struggle here.

[betrayed family]

I am JEALOUS!! Of what??? The openness and communication that occurs on this site..........being able to TALK!!! The support and feedback are priceless here and the conversations that are shared ..... GOOD or BAD..... are footpaths for all. We can and do learn from others Accomplishments and Failures....but only because they are COMMUNICATED!!!
I am JEALOUS of some of the couples and how they can openly discuss the P .............. How did you get there??? How are you able to unmask and face this monster???
Communication ............I think I'm pretty good at it! I pride myself in being a GOOD listener........I'm a "GOOD SOUNDING BOARD" I've been told. I am a true extrovert and love to be with people and just sit and BS... I love socail events.... going or hosting....I love learning anything from anyone through conversation wether it's an old recipe or home remedy or just the way things used to be........... so why is it so hard ti talk about this addiction???

My husband is my complete opposite...........he's very quiet and very stand offish at first.......
We do talk and when he is here at home he's not so quiet.....BUT we don't talk about the HEAVY stuff......... finances, parental differences....any point of conflict and ESPECAILLY not P!!!
I believe that a LARGE part of fighting this addiction is COMMUNICATION............Sharing the STRUGGLE ..... the TRIGGERS ....

This is a little note to the "other side of the coin".... the addicts....through your postings I have been able to catch a GLIMPSE of your daily struggles and that has made me look at my husband in a little different light. After almost 16 yrs of marriage ....with this addiction ....it's hard for me to believe that I could have learned so MUCH from your postings'
I want to THANK YOU for this new insight (although I truely believe unless you are an addict you can NEVER completely understand) and I also want to CHEER you on!!! May your burden lighten with each passing day and with each victory may you become STRONGER!!
So what are the rules?? what has worked for you??
COMMUNICATION....... how do you start?? How do you talk about P without sounding ......... accusatory, judgemental,offensive...HURTFUL.
WHO starts the conversation?? How often do you talk without HARPING or DWELLING on it?
Any input from anyone would be GREAT.
"May we all find our lighthouse in the DARK!"

BF

[slowlybecomingbitter]

Hello BF,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is not an easy road and we are all here going through our own spin on things with one thing in common, P.

I don't know how helpful the following is going to sound because of how late it is but I'll try anyhow. I think you are right, communication is key, that is the only action that has always been beneficial for me and my journey. I will warn you, I tend to be a bit blunt/opinionated and speak from my experiences (for the majority). So, take what I say with a grain of salt if it does not apply to your situation.

First, it takes a lot of time and dedication to get to the type of communication I believe you are talking about. It is not an easy subject to talk about. I have always been the one to bring it up first mainly because the PA doesn't even realize they are harming anything.

Second, when you do bring it up I would start small. Be precise in what you want to say, keep it short and sweet, and make sure that he knows that you are here to help and that you want to work on this together. If I can remember back to when I brought it up for my PA I think I started off with saying that I was uncomfortable with his P use and was wondering if he could try to stop. I let that sit for a while. As weeks/months progressed I didn't see change so I dug a little deeper. I reminded him of the first conversation and pointed out how it affects me as well as how I felt that it affected him. And it kind of just continues like that. My point is if he hasn't mentioned that its a problem, than he probably has no clue that it is even really getting to you. With that being said you have to start off small because its like hitting him with a brick in the face if you don't.

As far as what you mentioned about being a good communicator, I don't doubt you for a second. But I found that even being a good communicator alone can't get you through a struggle like this. You have to be strategic, learn to communicate with reason not emotions (and we all know that this is the hardest part for an SO with a PA), and provide lots of love and patience and respect - ALL AT ONCE! ~X( Its really difficult, which is why this site is so nice so we can lay out all our rants and frustrations on here. I think for me this site played such a big factor because rather than blow up in front of my boyfriend I was able to learn to channel my frustrations here, and talk logically with him.

Anyhow, this was a long post. I hope it all made sense and was helpful. It is 1:30am. Bed time.

SBB