accountability????

[betrayed family]

This is a question that I need to have HELP answering.
I was tuaght from a very young age that we all have CHOICES and with those CHOICES there are consequences....GOOD and BAD...this is also something I am tryting to instill in our children who are of an age to start making some of their own CHOICES!!
I believe that the next CHOICE I make concerning my husbands latest SLIP and P addiction will be the most important decision I make !!
I believe that there comes a time in anyones life that regaurdless of your past that the BLAME has to stop and YOU ALONE are responcible and ACCOUNTABLE for your ACTIONS!!!!! I know people who blame their failures ,addictions and short comings on their parents and their past......and we all know that we are a product of our upbringing and experiences BUT we also know that people CAN and DO CHANGE and stop BLAMING!!!
This leads me to my TURMOIL....my ACCOUNTABILITY question.
My husband has SLIPPED time and time again since admitting that he is a P and MB addict....in the past I have given him as much support as I could while dealing with my own pain and insecurities that come with this ADDICTION.....a year into our 16 yr. marriage I received a phone Bill for 2000.00 - I called them ....this has to be a mistake... I was informed by the operator that my husband had already called to address the bill and had made payment arrangements due to the fact that his brother was discovered making these sex phone calls.....SHOCK and ANGER that my husband didn't tell me about his BROTHERS calls!! Later I found out it wasn't his brother .....
Then came the internetP....Multiple times the roallercoaster...the pain the self doubt and self blame...the WHY'S????
My husband always felt terrible.... he cried ... I cried ... and we would hold on to our love and move on....The time before this when he was CAUGHT the addiction had spiraled to include a membership to a FRIEND site---- and sexual wants and naked pictures of himself on the site...he even gave out our real home address and was arranging a HOOK UP..... I couldn't take this new threat and the fact that he was no longer a faceless and that he would post our true home address scared the hell out of me!!! What about the kids??? Would he let these women come to our house while I was working??? I decided that I couldn't do it and we seperated....that was the hardest time of my LIFE!!! Both families wanted to know WHY???? Everyone thought we were GREAT!!! We had kept the P a secret and now everyone wanted to know "What could be SOO BAD to make you seperate???""Some said "Marriage and family aree hard work and you just can't throw it all away because of a little BUMP" I needed them to understand....I told them some about the past 10 yrs.... they didn't GET it !!!! My Father -in-law actually suggested that I "Spice up the Bedroom" and "Rent a P from the video store and it would all get better" I wonder if I would have told him that his son was addicted to drugs if he would have suggested that I go get him some weed???
After the SECRET was out WE were still alone..... NO ONE GOT IT!!!!People cannot see this as a SICKNESS a DISEASE....I know it is and have been supportive -- he has been in and out of counseling, groups, 12step programs.... he knows his triggors...knows he is an addict..... and CHOOSES P!!! It has been 4 years since he last slipped .....that I know about .... but after the seperation the last time I BEGGED him to stay in some sort of THERAPY.... I told him that I couldn't do this AGAIN!!!!
There would be no SEPERATION.... it would be DIVORCE.....
He CHOSE P!!!
CNSEQUENCES!!!
ACCOUNTABILITY????
I now compare myself to the BATTERED WIFE who doesn't leave..... the ABUSED CHILD who still seeks out their abusive parents..... What am I exposing myself and our children to because of his CHOICES to put P above us???

[Dominus]

Speaking from the other side of the fence I know how difficult it is to quit and from that point of view I sympathise with you both. If he really has gone for 4 years before slipping up then thats pretty good going. If though you suspect that this is still a major problem for him then that may change things. The fact that he visited this site of his own accord demonstrates thay he does actually care. You didnt mention wether he had joined up or not?

Whilst not making excuses for wrong conduct, remember that it is a real challenge for him to resist whatever his resolve, men are very visually stimulated and the media delights in taking advantage of that. We cannot drive, watch tv, surf the internet without seeing billboards, adverts, pop ups displaying scantily clad models. Its really tough, I know because I fight it day after day. 4 years is evidence of serious effort.

Only you can make the choice, you know the circumstances better than us. But if the Internet is his achilles heel, wouldnt i be better to get rid of that rather than him? If he was on drugs, it wouldnt help to have them around the house would it.

Im sorry you are feeling such hurt, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to deal with. I really hope that you sort it between you.

Dominus.

[betrayed family]

Dominus............Thank You for replying. I do not doubt that everyday is a struggle. I am a RN and have seen the physical result on the body that addiction causes as well as the emotional pain to the addict and their families. I know at times that I have been somewhat of an enabler by NOT pushing ......NOT insisting that he stay is therapy but I believe ..."You can lead(or push) a horse to water ......." I have accepted and tried to help with this addiction BUT he pushes me away and makes me feel like I'm making it HARDER for him by trying . We don't have good communication..... never have.....and when any conflict arises he just gets more withdrawn and takes his fraustrations out on subordinates at work or his temper is WAY short with our children. I am proud that he was able to fight this addiction.........if he truely has.........for 4 yrs.BUT once again when his warning signs started instead of seeking help he gave in and then tried to hide it. When I caught him this time and asked him what he was doing on the computer last night he responded "Checking my football scores"...........
I have spent the last 2 days on this sight......the stories on both boards are so truthful and almost as if our story was already here before we even wrote a single word..........
You suggested getting rid of the computer....I have actually suggested and thought of doing just that but I believe that if the computer wasn't here he would find P in other places like adult bookstores or worse. A Coke addict will use another drug to get their high if they can't get to any coke........
Again I thank You for your responce..........Did you ever wish you had a crystal ball to see the future???

[dray]

I'm sorry you've experienced so much pain over this. I did too. In my case, I was forced to give him an ultimatum...either get help or I leave. He is in a 12-step program for SA, has a sponsor, reads and journals.

We still have our rough moments, but overall there has been an incredible change in every area of our relationship. He knows that should he "drop out" of the program he's in, I WOULD leave.

For a long time, I felt just like a battered wife and became anorexic and ill. Now I'm healthy and mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually strong...I no longer feel like a victim. I refuse to ever feel like that again!

I think it comes down to: what is acceptable to me and what is not? P is not acceptable and neither are "dating" sites, cheating, lying, etc. I don't deserve it. Neither do you.

I have my self-respect back and I'm working on building my self-esteem back up to its former level. I still have a hard time trusting, but that's totally understandable and I'm working on that too.

Good luck to you...I hope things get better for you soon.

[betrayed family]

Dray
WOW!! You are so "RIGHT MINDED" (in my opinion).
I am glad to hear that he is working so hard on this addiction..... not to mention how strong YOU are. 4 yrs. ago I could have said the same for my husband ...... he was in a SA group with a twelve step program and was seeing a therapist....... this only happened after we seperated ( It was the first and last time I will be seperated.... it was HELL....I will never put my kids through that again!!!)......... then schedules at work changed..... we got back into the same old grind and HE stopped going. First it was that the meetings were when he was at work.......... then he started cancling therapy appointments.........I encouraged him to GO..... Find another group.....make the time for the appointments......
Now here we are 4 yrs later .... the same pain , mistrust, FEAR...... to further complicate the situation we just relocated 2 months ago.... 5 hrs away from family and friends...... the kids (3 - ages 15, 13 & 11) have done so GREAT acclemating to a new school, making new friends..........then BAM the P addiction takes over and I never felt so alone!!! Do I pack them back up and head back HOME???
I won't stay in a marriage just "FOR THE KIDS".... I am just so angry that he did this AGAIN!!! I am also mad at myself......maybe if I had pushed a new group up here......
I introduced myself to this group by saying I was NUMB..... I think I still am.... I still haven't cried. When we seperated I said "I WON"T and CAN"T go through this again".........well here I am!!!
I know that no one here has my answer.....I don't even know what the answer is.........stay or GO.........marriage or DIVORCE???
I believe that Love doesn't come without some pain.........at times we all get hurt or hurt someone no matter how hard we try not to. The pain is always personal but the pain from P addiction is so DEEP and SELF ERODING.... it makes you question everything you thought you knew about your self and your partner.
I wish you all the best and the only advice that I can give is NEVER forget the P monster is lurking.........If you are lucky enough that he wants and does fight P .... and it is working .... DON'T LET HIM QUIT what is working!!!
In Nursing school we were required to go to an AAA meeting as part of our psych class, there was a speaker there who said something I will NEVER forget
" I am many things....... I am a wife , a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend.... and in each of these roles I wear a different hat ...as we all do..... We interchange them quite frequently depending on who's near .....BUT the one hat that I MUST always wear and can NEVER forget ...is that I am an alcoholic.... if this is not the first hat I put on and guard ... all the rest will FALL!!"
This really touched me and I can't help but think he forgot the most important hat!
Betrayedfamily

[betrayed family]

Hello to all that are here... and SORRY that you have to be HERE!! If you are here it is because P and all the pain it causes is in your life... BUT... Thank GOD that this place exists....
I will not start this new entry rehashing the past... I will start with the present....
I will tell you that although I have not been posting... I have been reading and learning for the past 2 and 1/2 months...
Our story is repeated here over and over AGAIN!! The pain... lies...fears..struggles..failures...triumphs...
When I first allowed myself to even start caring after the latest discovery... I came here!! We weren't talking... This time I was so different... I was only ANGERY... when I called him at work to confront him after seeing the debit purchase on the bank statement for some website... I wouldn't even let him talk!!! I said " I don't even want to have THIS conversation AGAIN!!! It is going to be the same as the last ... Just know that I know you are acting out AGAIN ... and now I have to decide what I am going to do!!"
I didn't cry or feel sad... JUST ANGER!!
This time ... was DIFFERENT...
I KNEW and still KNOW this is NOT ME!!!!
No self doubts... No what if's... No am I pretty enough, sexy enough, giving enough....
This time..... I KNOW.... it is HIS ADDICTION.. you can only HELP the ADDICT who WANTS HELP... who SHARES the struggles... Who is HONEST...
When I first started back on this site... I read myself in other SO pages .... the old pain... I would say to myself ... I felt like her the 1st time.... and her the 2nd time.... the never ending circle or cycle of PAIN... not knowing WHEN or WHERE the next punch was coming from!!!
I wanted to log on here and tell every SO on here to RUN... pack and GO.... it doesn't matter WHAT YOU DO.... it is HIS....
I have tried the unconditional understanding... the quiet support... the ultimatiums... the counseling... the pushing..
IT IS HIM!!!
After a couple weeks.... living seperate lives under the same roof... I went to my H and said..." No matter what happens with us ( our marriage)... this may be your last chance with your kids... " He doesn't have a good open and sharing relationship with them and my mind was set on divorce... I was busy getting the FACTS on the steps needed to end this..
It wasn't a threat... there was no talk of divorce... there was no " how could you do this." there was no " what are you doing"... Just a plea for the kids... they are truely the innocent ones here and have ridden this rollercoaster.
I knew he was back on this site... I had been reading.... I knew he was going to start ANOTHER 12 steps program.... it didn't matter.... he had done it all before....BUT in the past I had allowed myself to believe it was better and we would move on... This time was different!!!
I truely believe that HE is being honest with HIMSELF....
Without that.... the addiction WINS!!
I truely believe HE has accepted that this IS AN ADDICTION and that he is an ADDICT of P!!!
He can NEVER deny these facts ...... or P will WIN!!
He can NEVER... "sweep it under the rug" .... or P will WIN!!
I truely believe that this time HE knows that this person who allows P in to his life will only continue to be ROBBED of his TRUE POTENTAIL, HAPPINESS and the LIFE he should be living.
SOOOO.... I am still here ... and WE are trying...
I know that he LOVES me and his CHILDREN.. and I will be there to HELP.... ( if only I could carry the burden at times for him... but I can't... I can only support when he opens up and honestly shares )
So to all who have aided my H with his struggles.... I THANK YOU.. the support on TTF is an important part with this battle against P!!!
To everyone.... PA or SO... I hope and pray for many victories against this all consuming monster P!!!
betrayedfamily

[JenMac]

Hi BT! Welcome back!
I am glad that you are here too!
I am glad that you have come to some understanding in recognizing that it is not you. That is very important I believe.
Thank you for sharing! It can be a long battle but when you feel like the recovery is desired by our Hs for themselves first, it can give us the encouragement we need to assist them on this path to healing. I am heartened to know that is the case for you guys!
We can endure the ups and downs when we see the honest efforts our Hs are putting into recovery for themselves and their relationships.
All the best to you and yours BT!
Glad you are back!
Jenn

[betrayed family]

Hi everyone... and THANKS for the THANKS and for responding.

After finally allowing myself to post again .... this was heavily discussed between H and I .... I feel like I need to add a few things
1. I am PROUD of HOW my H is now battling P!!
I have watched a true growth in him... an honest one ... a man who is striving to better himself... first for him .. BUT it is also for our family, marriage... our future!!
2. I see a blooming of the relationship my H has with our children.... there is now small talk...some laughs. Nothing makes me happier. We are blessed with 3 amazing kids....
3. I will seek out things that will help me deal with some of the anger.... at times I am very short and curt with my H.... I view this as throwing salt into the wound because communicating for him is SOOO difficult!!
We have been through so MUCH... every marriage has.. our 18th anniversary is right around the corner.... there has NEVER been a single goal we have not been able to accomplish TOGETHER... we are a hell of a team....
I hope and pray that this TEAM carries on with LOVE
COMMUNICATION
COMPASSION
UNDERSTANDING
HONESTY
PATIENCE
PERSERVERENCE
betrayedfamily

[HopefulsRock]

Hey BT, glad to hear from you and to get your valuable input on my buddy Mell's struggling journey. I've found his posts very helpful for myself and I am always checking his journal to see how he's doing and it's inspiring to read his honesty. You credit him for turning this around this time for himself and that may be true but he sure credits you for a lot of his strength so I'd like to thank you!

[muralmom]

Dear BF, I read your earlier posts and I think "there's more?" I've put a filter on all of the computers in the house and in the back of my mind I've thought "if he doesn't get it from the computer...where else will he get it?" That thought scares me. I still can't believe this is my life. I read your posts and identify more with your original post at this point- I don't know if I can take the rejection...right now it's mostly about me, the hurt, anger, embarrassment of the trying to get him to want me. The road ahead seems so long and painful that I wish I could just walk away for my own happiness. If we didn't have two children I would be gone and he could MB til his eyes pop out. I have lost so much respect for him because he is so weak and I have been so available for him and loving.
Reading posts on this site is helping me vent and right now that is a plus.