accountability????

[betrayed family]

Thanks Charly22.... this site always has someone listening... someone who takes the time to care. As I sit here with tears running down my face.... I thank you!!
With the STRESSED and TENSE relationship that son has with H.. I feel that I am the only one who can TRY to reach our son... BUT I DON"T KNOW HOW!!!
BF

[betrayed family]

With all that has been going on I approached our oldest son and asked if he would be willing to go to counseling to help deal with anger and relationship with father and recently the entire family.... he was TOTALLY against it!! NOW... After the discovery of him being on a P site my gut is telling me we should get him into therapy BUT.... I don't want it to seem like a punishment or if forcing him to go will do any good....
I don't want to classify him as an addict..... if this would have happened in a P addict free home would the reaction be the same??
I just want to HELP our SON!!
What is right??
Mell is having a session with the therapist today... he is going to discuss situation about Son with counselor....
I guess I will just have to wait and see what the professional advises....
BF
Is this battle for this family EVER going to END??

[Charly22]

At this point, regarding your son that was caught looking at porn. I would just do my best to have a frank and candid talk with him, just you and him, or maybe with your husband there too...but I would inform your son of how porn is not how real sex should be, and it is not how a woman wants to be treated, and let him know that these women are not doing it because they enjoy sex, please shatter all the myths right now with him, that's the best you can do right now.

[NewHope10]

Hi BT...

Just reading through your recent posts - and my heart goes out to you. You are dealing with a lot on your plate!

I can relate to what you are going through with your son, as my eldest son has an addictive personality (although he is 27 years old...he's still my child).

When my son lived with us a couple years ago - I found out that he was looking at P on our computer (along with drinking too often and gambling). I was foolish not to say anything at the time. You know...co-dependant behaviour and all. When he asked me to move back in a couple of months ago...I told him up front what my expections and boundaries are. No P...no alcohol in the house...no gambling, etc., etc., etc...but my door and my arms would always be open for him. Thankfully he stayed and worked things out with his GF, but I felt good setting my boundaries and now he knows what to expect should he ever want to move back in again.

Okay...so that doesn't help with your situation - as your son is 17. I just wanted you to know that I know how you are feeling. Helpless. Powerless. Worried. Perhaps anger - maybe not at your son, with at P itself. Wanting to protect him from what his life could be like if he continues. I know...so many thoughts and feelings.

I liked Charly's response above: I would just do my best to have a frank and candid talk with him, just you and him, or maybe with your husband there too...but I would inform your son of how porn is not how real sex should be, and it is not how a woman wants to be treated, and let him know that these women are not doing it because they enjoy sex, please shatter all the myths right now with him, that's the best you can do right now.

Perhaps you can set boundaries with him as well. Let him know that P is not welcome in your home...but he is. There is nothing wrong with you explaining your thoughts and feelings about it. You have a right to. You have a right to not have P in your home.

I don't know...just grasping at straws right now, in the effort to help. Those are just my initial thoughts. I'm sure you will have others here who will have some ideas.

Praying for you and your family...

[JenMac]

Hey BT!
Thinking of you, praying for you! Remember, even though this seems huge, you can only deal with it one thing at a time. Just deal in the now, don't take it to the worst of places! As Moms we tend to do that.
Do what you deem necessary at the moment, take the steps you feel are important. Remember that we only have control over how we react, over our own actions. Give him information. Speak what you need to say. Do that whenever you feel it is necessary. And then let it go as best you can. We can't control the future, we can only deal in today.
Sorry I know I am repeating myself here but I know from experience that we can drive ourselves crazy trying to make sure everyone is okay. If I don't worry, who will! But our worrying does not change a thing! It only makes us ill! So do the things you need to do. That is all you can do in this situation!
And take care of you!! You need to put some focus on your health and wellbeing!
Take some time with this BT. It is important but it doesn't have to be rushed. Sometimes when we give a little time, the answers come more easily.
Hugs for you and all the best to all of you! The teen years are tough ones!
Jenn

[rosie]

Hi BT :)

I am in a similar situation, except my son is 13. And, because my HB has been zoned out in a p-coma for so long, he does not have a close relationship with my son.

This meant, that the "talk" had to come from me - something I resent my HB for as this is a guy thing to handle. You know, man to man!
I felt my default my speaking to my son about it made it more shameful, even though I was very careful - shame is NOT something I wanted to evoke :(

Something my counsellor said, was that by taking children to counselling, they assume that they are somehow "broken". This can be more damaging than the good that comes from counselling. However, that said, at 17, he is nearly an adult, and I would think that some sort of therapy (with a counsellor who acknowledges the effects of P) is probably a good idea.

Unfortunately at 17, kids think that their parents know nothing about their life (especially from the opposite-sex parent..ie: you)...well, that's how I felt at 17. But, in all honesty, this has probably been going on for a while. Apparently most kids with net access are now exposed to P between 12-15.

I wonder... is it time for Mell to sit down with the son and "confess" to his own issues? Could this be a new leaf in their relationship? Could this be the issue that bonds them together and brings some openness to the relationship? I would not see anything wrong with this approach. Your son might then feel that he is understood by someone, and having someone so close to him discuss openly the trials and tribulations of P use/addiction...could really have a powerful impact on him.

Good luck BT.

[betrayed family]

Thanks to all who are giving me support... My head was really yesterday!! My heart was breaking... and deep inside I felt partailly responsible for our son turning to P!!
WHY?? I know that Mell was a P addict a long time before he met me... it took a long time and a lot of self doubt before I could wrap my brain around this monster and stop blaming myself ... but once I was able to do that I was able to truely view this as an addiction and to start to learn about addiction and psychological research as to who, what, when, where , why and how addiction is believed to originate.... NOW with our own son ... as a parent... there are new questions!!??!! Does he feel isolated?? misunderstood?? Were we too hard on him?? Were we hard enough?? The normal questions parents ask themselves when their child has taken a wrong turn in lifes road.
I came here for support and advice and I got both.... THANK YOU
Then I waited for Mell to return from the therapists office... I agree that this is an important TIME for Mell and all 3 of our children... and especailly our oldest because although not engaged with any of them the relationship between Mell and our oldest has always had a sour tone.... ( Boy the hours I have spent trying to figure out WHY???) I pray that their relationship will grow.... I have prayed for this for years!! I agree with the professional advice that before Mell can give guidance for our son their relationship needs strengthened and the anger to ebb. Maybe ....
Mell has done so much in the past 4 months ... so much that I am PROUD of ... maybe this time it will work!!
Back to our eldest....
I did end up talking to our eldest a little last night.
With the kind support here and a great listening ear... I stepped back and just took a breath!!
I decided that until I know differently rather through actions or words that this is truely an addictive behavior ( believe me ... NO BLINDERS ON) that I will not put the "sins of the father on to the son". Maybe some of you think me nieve.... and maybe I am in denial... BUT... I do KNOW that masterbation is normal for a 17yr old....
I do not want to make sex a dirty thing!!
I have talked to all 3 of our kids about sex... condemns, std's, teenage pregnancy, puberity, menstral cycles, ....ect.
This is our eldest first true girlfriend...
I have seen them necking.... soooo... I used that as a way to start the conversation.
"Hows Maggie?? ....small talk... small talk... I noticed after the car pulled into the driveway that it took a good 15 minutes before you came in...." Big grin on his face....
Then I said, " Here comes a MOM/RN question...are you and Maggie sexually active?? Are you having sex??"
I held my breath... He answered .. "No we are not . We are just messing around."
WHEW!!!
This led to a good exchange and reminders of previous chats and reminders about safe sex... he wasn't withdrawn or angery.. it was a good talk!!
Then .. I said ... "you knew this would be coming... What do you want to tell me about Friday?"
He did not become guarded or angery... he didn't deny being on computer on a P site.... we just talked...
I told him that P sites and the actions that you see on there are as real and genuine as the computer games that he plays... that there was not a single woman on those sites who said ... "when I grow up I want to be a P star." I also told him that the scenarios or events that he may have been watching were all staged with props and scripts and again not real life. We talked a little longer and then I said.. is that something that anyone that you personally know would be involved with???
We left the conversation with the understanding that it is NOT allowed in this house ever ....
I feel good about it....
I also know that it is not over.. I gave him a couple articles that I found on the web concerning Teens and P.. they were informative, candid and did not glamorize the industry .
We will talk again.... but the first big step has been taken!!
THANKS again !!
I have to go to Basketball game!!
BF

[JenMac]

Wow BT! Phewww!
So happy for you! So happy that it all went so well! You must feel so much better!
Sometimes we can really work ourselves into a frenzy over things, can't we? So glad you took that step back and then approached this from a more relaxed postition! I bet that made all the difference for both of you!
Enjoy that basketball game!
And here's hoping that your H and son work this out together!
All the best!
Jenn

[rosie]

Wow BT, you are amazing! Well done :) You sound like a great mum, and your son obviously has a very open relationship with you. Nice work!

[HopefulsRock]

Hey BT, glad to see how things worked out for you so far and that the first step went so well... very well actually, nice job! like I told Mell I have no son's but I was one and I sure would have appreciated a mother like you when I was 17! I never got even a hint of a conversation about guys and girls and definitely not the sex talk, nothing! So I have to say how reassuring it is to know that it is happening out there... Thanks for sharing that story.