accountability????

[Disillusioned]

I hope your load is a little lighter, your grief beginning to fade, your strength renewed, your clarity resuming its accuracy in helping you to figure out the way to go. I hope God gives you a spiritual hug and tells you, Sister, your walk is heavy now, but I am with you always. I will share your burden, and you will find peace.

I am so sorry for this difficult time in your life. You deserve happiness, not in a long-off promised distance, but in your next days. You have given so much, and some of that needs to find its way home to you, as a gentle, warm breeze lifting your spirt, giving you hope. and inspiring your faith.

[Disillusioned]

Just wanted to let you know that your private message page is full, and I couldn't post the above remark to it, but I wanted you to know you are in my thoughts. You, your family and many other of the innocent victims of the lies that P tell us.

[betrayed family]

Hello to all here.... I hope you are having inner peace and can breath deep today..... some days these 2 things are very hard.
How are WE???

Distant...Lonely....Protected....Angry....Sad... .Resentful...the old "IF ONLY" ...Protective....Defensive...Independant....Did I say LONELY... Scared... Exhausted....Driven...Caring.... House Mates....Did I say ANGRY..... Foolish....Fact finding minded for this thing that can be rationally disected in books but still doesn't add up in my brain .... Curteous .....Snappy.....Tearful.....Triggered....Unprotect ive....Blaming....Listening .. NONHURTFUL .....TRYING!!!

I am sure there are many more that I could add to this list as this chaotic mess continues.
My truth is that I am afraid to even crack the door..... WHY WOULD I??? AM I STUPID??? He will only HURT YOU AGAIN... He STILL has ALL the POWER (his addiction... nothing I CAN DO).... he could choose tomorrow to go back.....

I know that I will be ok.... I know that this addiction has changed me FOREVER.... I know that I could walk out the door tomorrow and be supported until I could stand independantly...
This life altering decision is not based on FEAR, or Wedding Vows, or History....
I told Mell that I am FREE of the above..... I told Mell that this choice is NOT based on any of it.... It is based on ME.... for the first time in 19yrs... I matter more to me than him. I am taking care of ME( my children are a part of ME and I am doing all that I can for them).
And this time.... the choice is for ME.... MY FUTURE....MY WELL BEING...MY SAFETY and SECURITY....

It is sooo SAD... I have begged, coaxed, Supported,.... you name it ... I did it... in the PAST...
Now.... I can't seem to CRACK the DOOR to me.... Mell wants to talk.... and I jut can't seem to hear....the FEAR of WHAT IF!!!

Still thinking.... and unfortunately... Feeling.

Thanks to ALL of you here... I continue to learn from you and get the support that is so unique and precious here onTTF.
HUGS!!


Be Safe
Betrayed family

[elle kay]

hi, just to let you know i am reading and feeling your pain. I dont feel i have advice for anyone right now, nor am i capable of putting anything into words. but i am reading other peoples stories , i am here

[JenMac]

for the first time in 19yrs... I matter more to me than him. I am taking care of ME( my children are a part of ME and I am doing all that I can for them).


Bravo to that BF! That is exactly what you should be doing now. Caring for YOU. Making things right for YOU. Believing in YOU.
None of those things depends on your attachment or non attachment to Mell specifically. It is all in your hands, to do with what you will. To care for YOU first. To look after YOUR needs, YOUR feelings, YOUR wellbeing.
I am glad you are doing that!
It doesn't mean we don't care for another or that we can't see their pain. It just means that we have to deal with our pain and trauma first to put ourselves in a better place. Only when we begin to feel centered again can we make decisions that will mean something in the long term. We need our feet under us firmly before coming to that point.
Take the time you need BF. You deserve to listen to your inner being and follow your heart.
Huge hugs!
Jenn

[waterlily327]

I know that I will be ok.... I know that this addiction has changed me FOREVER.... I know that I could walk out the door tomorrow and be supported until I could stand independantly...
This life altering decision is not based on FEAR, or Wedding Vows, or History....
I told Mell that I am FREE of the above..... I told Mell that this choice is NOT based on any of it.... It is based on ME.... for the first time in 19yrs... I matter more to me than him. I am taking care of ME( my children are a part of ME and I am doing all that I can for them).
And this time.... the choice is for ME.... MY FUTURE....MY WELL BEING...MY SAFETY and SECURITY....

It is sooo SAD... I have begged, coaxed, Supported,.... you name it ... I did it... in the PAST...
Now.... I can't seem to CRACK the DOOR to me.... Mell wants to talk.... and I jut can't seem to hear....the FEAR of WHAT IF!!!

Still thinking.... and unfortunately... Feeling.

Hey Betrayed Family, I am sorry that you are still going through so much pain. Your post above, I was both happy and sad reading it. Saddened by the raw emotion that I see, knowing how painful this time must be for your, and heartbroken that you are in so much pain. But I was also happy, especially about the section I quoted from your post above.

Taking care of yourself is the way you will survive this. Now that you are learning how to take care of yourself and your children ahead of your marriage is extremely important. It may sound harsh, but you need to put yourself first, like you said, before those wedding vows, before your marriage because he has not put your marriage first. All that being said, I am certainly not encouraging you to leave your marriage! That is something you and only you can make a decision about. I am just trying to offer support for your current situation.

Taking care of yourself is vital. That is the only way you will survive, the only way you will recover. It takes time, and as horrible as feeling everything is right now, try not to block out those feelings. I tried to do that early on, and it only caused more problems. Feeling all those emotions is hard, but it will help you through those hard times and decisions.

Mell wanting to talk is a good thing, but if you aren’t ready to hear what he has to say, take your time. I wish you and your children all the best. *hugs*

[Disillusioned]

Just checking in to see how my friend is doing. I know, still confused and whirling, but more and more sure of herself, each day. Why can't you crack the door open? Cause you don't want anymore pain, or BS. You hurt and need to heal before you can hear anything he has to say, or anything anyone else in that house might feel. This is about you, your needs and feelings first...not only, but this time first, and that is a good thing. It is also hard to separate from all those other feelings of what will, how will, how can.. that only you have the ability to answer. The best your h can do is to not pressure you about the time you need. This cannot be rushed until there is healing for you, and you are entitled to that...even though you care about how it affects the kids, even though you don't want to burden your h or break what's left of his heart and hope. You have to heal...to get over the emotional rawness and pain from this...to stop the darned bleeding in every way...
You are the same person you always were, and that is a wonderful thing to be...You are getting a look at her now, but you need to focus on her a while. That is not a negative... God bless you, Friend. Hope there is something to smile about in your life tomorow, someone who will light your way a little. Someone who reflects back to you how wonderful you are...
Hugs, smiley face, four leaf clover....oh boy!!! All that stuff. Happy Valentine's Day, which is not just about romantic love, but embraces all kinds of it that are possible and wonderful....

[betrayed family]

Almost 3 months since our disclosure....
Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday... I am still processing Mells actions...
I am still struggling with all of it.
There has been SOME progress.... I am becoming more ME again.
There are less times of self doubt and more of SELF TRUST.... this is huge after feeling so lost, ashamed, manipulated.... angry with myself for being in this position. I have started to accept my choices in the past concerning this addiction, and not beat myself up for TRUSTING and BELIEVING in Mell.... for believing in US... for Believing that although Mell is an addict that "HE NEVER WOULD..."
I am NOT RESPONSIBLE for ANY of IT....
Mell continues to work his recovery.... groups, 1on1 counseling with CSAT , book work, phone calls, working with his sponsor...

I just started with a new therapist yesterday... I am hopeful about this... for the first time since disclosure... I did not feel like I had to DEFEND MY FEELINGS...I felt like she was listening and not judging or minimizing ... Like SHE GOT IT. I have felt very .... SECONDARY, MINIMIZED, an AFTERTHOUGHT, DISRESPECTED, UNHEARD, JUDGED, BLAMED, LABELED, (coaddict, ect), since disclosure... I have fought and will continue to fight for ME... all of the feelings, manipulation vs denial, trust vs I should have known better, and putting ME FIRST .... I will battle on for me.
The pain is still deep and sharp and sometimes overwhelming. The triggers are still coming but I can now mostly thought stop them by saying to myself..." STOP IT... this will NOT HELP YOU " and then deep breath.
I continue to read and learn on this site almost daily... just haven't been posting... so I THANK all of you who continue to share and support and teach here... maybe I am ready to do more here.
BE SAFE
Do something for you...But not hurtful to others.
Betrayed family

[elle kay]

same with me...nearly 3 months since the last explosion. It feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago all at once. im glad you found a therapist who validates your feelings.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

BF-

not beat myself up for TRUSTING and BELIEVING in Mell.... for believing in US... for Believing that although Mell is an addict that "HE NEVER WOULD..."
I am NOT RESPONSIBLE for ANY of IT....

Yes! This is it. Exactly. Too many of us blame ourselves for being normal people... people who love, trust, forgive, give second chances. Then when we are betrayed again, we blame ourselves for our situation, for not seeing, for trusting, for not.... for anything. And we shouldn't. We are not the fools for trusting someone we love who tells us they love us and won't hurt us. Normal people love and trust.