Rouge's Journal

[Rouge]

I have to admit that I was torn about starting a journal since I can barely read my fiance's anymore. However in the end, I need somewhere to post my thoughts. I cannot tell my friends or family what I am going through because I already know what they would tell me. Lately, painful memories are striking me in the most inconvenient places (I nearly broke down in the middle of Walmart while looking at furniture!). I know that my emotions are not helping C's recovery and I don't know what to do.

Things have happened lately that are causing me to lose my grip a little and I'm getting really stressed. When C' posts in his journal about it I will post about it afterwards because I don't really know how to explain it and my emotions right now wouldn't make any sense until I can talk about it. I just don't know what to do. I feel myself on the verge of becoming bitter and that is not what I want to happen.

I'll post a bit about my history with C. in my next post. Forgive my rambling, as I said, I'm stressed.

%-( <- That icon cheered me up a bit,

[AirKeep]

Rouge, I'm not on the SO side, and that might not even be entirely what you're getting at here, but no one minds the rambling, as you already know from being on here.

I haven't followed all of C's posts, but have a bit, things seem to be a little rough. I hope the best for both of you. I'm in my own bitter stage at the moment, at myself and a few other things. It is tough to always find the positive, and bitterness just tears at you, as well as tears you down. I had a friend tell me that when it gets that bad, just be thankful for the rocks under your feet. I know at times, that's all I have, otherwise the bitterness consumes me. I know there are no easy answers.

I'm sorry for what you and C are going through. I hope you both can find the answers and support you need.

[Rouge]

Thank you for the kind words AirKeep. It's nice to not feel alone in my feelings. Which is, what I'm looking for, I think. I don't know anymore. By the way, I like your quote, Superchick is a very uplifting band,

And now, a little history.

C. and I actually met 7 years ago in school and we lost touch over the years. Then a year and a half ago we reconnected via the magic of Myspace. We hung out that night and started dating the next day. I was happy, though I was vaguely suspicious that he wasn't telling me something. I should have listed to my gut, I suppose. A little while into the relationship, I did. I confronted him about something that didn't add up in my mind. Come to find out he had been looking at P since the beginning of our relationship. Now, I don't want porn in my life and if I had known I would never had gone out with C. I told him that and he said he would stop.

He did, for a couple of months, then he would get depressed and do it again. It is a continuous cycle and I don't know how to break it.

I was physically and verbally abused as a child up until I moved out of my parent's house two years ago. It has left me bitter towards them and I still find myself sometimes nursing hate towards them. But, I love them too, they gave up a lot for me and they raised me. They are funny and interesting, they just have uncontrollable tempers. I am learning to come to terms with that and I am starting my healing process. I have already been betrayed by people that I was supposed to trust and sometimes I feel like I can't handle the fact that it happened again with C. My parents never changed, they will still yell at me and hurt me deeply. This has ingrained the idea that people don't change into my head. In turn, this leads to fear that things will never be better for C. and I.

I don't want to live in a constant cycle of emotional pain, but I love C. and want to be with him. How do I cope?

[Rouge]

I decided that I couldn't wait for C. to post that we decided to start over a couple of days ago. Basically while I was at my friend's he did whatever her wanted that night in hopes to start the healing process over. He never stopped wanting to do things and it got harder instead of easier, which has happened before we found this site. I can not say that I had an easy night or in the days since. Of course, I am plagued with questions that are tearing me apart. What did he look at? How often did he do it? Why did it come to this? Why aren't I enough? Didn't he even f***ing think about me? The questions wandered into rage sometimes and settled into a vague sense of depression. A part of me wished that he hadn't done it even though I gave him permission. A part of me thought that he seemed like a hurry to get off the phone and start. My friend noticed, of course, but what could I tell her? When I came home the next day I tried hard to be strong but it hurts so much.

I found it hard to be intimate, I didn't want him to see me after he saw p. Whenever my mind wanders I think of it. My heart hurts and my throat hurts from trying not cry. I want this stupid addiction to be over, really over, forever. I don't want to deal with it every four months. I can't, it hurts too bad. I feel ugly and worthless. Like, I will never be "all he needs."

I hate this so much. I hate p, I hate what it's done to me. I hate the thought that it will never get better.

I hope it gets better. It has to.... right?

[Rouge]

I recently had C send me a note telling me what kind of p he looked at. I thought it would help. So I wouldn't have to wonder any more. I am more than a little regretful about it. It did not help. It hurts a lot. The fact that he "relapsed" in the first place hurt. Even though I agreed to him. I told him he could but I hoped he wouldn't. Even though I knew he would. And now I know what he looked at. I know what he "likes" and it's not me. Not even close to me. I am getting tired of fighting pictures of "perfect women" He said he doesn't want me to change, and that he's what I want, but I'm not. I know that if I told him that he could do it then he would be right back on that computer.I can't win, I'll never be good enough and I'm trying to distance myself and make myself numb because I don't see any improvement. There is no plan to keep it from happening again. This is BS.

[Abbie]

Rouge,

I'm really glad you decided to start a journal, it's such a relief even being able to write down all our thoughts and fears, and getting responses also reminds us that we're not crazy females or flying off the handle at nothing.

I'm so sorry that he decided to share his tastes with you. There are so many of us who cannot get images/etc out of our minds! I can tell you that they do fade with time though, and after the anger has peaked they fade a little more. I would suggest for your own sanity and protection that you try to avoid seeing any of what he has done/his preferences/etc as it will just hurt you.

However, it's a real positive that he is letting you into this little secret world that he kept from you before. Now I'm not saying anything about that world is positive, I'm saying that he is opening up and reaching out a little, that's a really good sign of him making an effort. Sometimes our guys don't realise that they're hurting us by telling/showing us things, they really do believe that we'll just see it as them being honest - something most of them are desperate to prove once they decide to quit.

When he says he doesn't want you to change, he may even say you're the perfect woman, please try to believe him. I have been in your shoes and also had someone say this to me (which I promptly dismissed at the time!), but he more than likely means it. I can say this as I've seen it written here many times by the PAs and also through my own husband (who was looking at women who were also nothing like me).

It's takes us a while to pick our self-esteem up off the floor, wash it out, and try it on again, and given the world we live in today with supposedly 'perfect' women on every magazine/billboard/tv ad it's hard enough to feel attractive. Just remember that he was with you in the first place, he was attracted to you. These fabricated airbrushed fantasy figures are nothing to him compared to you. Otherwise, why is he trying to change? He has chosen you, so you must be 1,000 times better than P as he is willing to overcome an addiction to be with you.

Please believe me that it does get better, there is a light. >:D<

[Toria]

Hi Rouge,

I'm also glad you have started to write a journal, it has certainly helped me to get all of my feelings out in the open.

I know how you feel about thinking of the other women that your BF used to look at. I'm so sorry that you are hurting and I hope that Abbie is right when she says that those images fade.

You are very lucky that C is on here and is trying his best to rid himself of the PA. I know you may have had a low point recently, but every time you get knocked down it will be easier for you to get back up to where you were before.

Your BF is so lucky to have someone supportive like you to help him through his struggles and I will keep checking back to your journal to see how you are getting on.

All the best.

x