Determined and Hopeful - slowlybecomingbitter's journal

[slowlybecomingbitter]

Hello everyone. Did not want to get into all the little details at this momment but, know that I am here because of multiple relationships where my partner was a PA. However my current relationship is one that I intend to keep for the rest of my life (more on that later too).

My past experience and my current one as well has made me really sensitive to this subject. I have gone through this by myself in the past but I plan on utilizing this site to help me through my current relationship.

I want to learn how to approach his addiction in a productive way for the both of us so that we can both grow through this rough goal to become P free in our relationship. And for myself I want to learn how to remain kind, loving, and patient with my bf and not over react. I need to be able to grant understanding that there will be bad days and there will be good days but at the same time not let the bad days be an excuse for more bad days.

Basically I need to find a healthy balance with our conversations concerning PA. Any advice?

[brulant]

I did actually find that Al-anon meetings really helped me. Its still 12 step based, but there is lot lot of retraining that can happen with detaching and understanding our triggers. It was most invaluable when I was with an active addict who was not in recovery. There are also other 12 step groups such as Recovering Couples Annonymous, which you can do together. etc. The PA/SA that I had thought I was in love with (until I figured out that I was never in love with him because he had never been honest with me about who he was) had only done things in order to keep me and not because he wanted to recover so it didn't work out for us, but there is a lot of support at the same time.

I tried a bunch of different meetings, but finally found an Al-anon meeting which focused on the 12 steps and actually had a bunch of people from AA, NA etc. who attended it at their sponsors suggestion since it had to do with relating to people post going through the 12 steps.

Things will reveal themselves more, but the more you educate yourself about things and the more a balance is achieved the more things will become balanced. There is no easy way, though.

As you know, I too am triggered by past relationships so I completely understand where you're coming from.

I guess the main question for yourself would be if he is actively desiring to change or if this is all you at this point. That's the basic starting point.

I read every book I got my hands on, but quickly moved away from self-help and into more sources which had more "meat" to them.

Patrick Carnes is *highly* recommended!! He started out as a partner of a SA so their perspective is refreshing compared to a lot of others who claim to be professionals. I'm betting you already know a lot about him.

I can give you a further reading list if you're interested.
As I said I read *a lot*!
endless reading and endless writing. journaling and calendar notes. nothing will really wind up being a waste of time.

One thing that I know through keeping notes in my calendar was that I was able to notice when I was having "trauma anniversaries" and even when my ex partner was. These can be monthly (if early on) or annual, but it has to do with "body memories", etc. They were good for me to figure out so that I could know how to prepare and work on my reactions for those times. Eliminating confusion and figuring out source was incredibly helpful!!

Obviously I'm not out of the woods, but we're never truly out of the woods after being affected by these issues on either side.

Hope this helps.
and I send another hug!!
brulant

[sybil]

You said it SBB, "find a right balance" in conversations regarding PA. When I first found out about my husbands PA a little more than a month ago, I was asking my husband too many questions. He, wanting to be honest with me now, would answer them all. I found it hurtful and very unneccessary to know some things. Yes, we as SO's want to help, we can somewhat. They of course have to do the real work. We don't need the details though. "what kind of women they are looking at", "do they mb everytime", "what positions do you mostly watch", so on and so forth. Knowing those kind of details only make matters worse. Unfortunately, I stumbled across his P and know what kind of women he likes to watch. Now I find myself wondering if he is interested in any real women who may resemble them. Like I said, details are probably hurtful more than anything.
What I think has helped him and me is my asking only if he watched P or not since that last time. My husband doesn't seem to mind answering that question and it is holding him accountable to more that just himself.If your bf wants to get better, he'll probably want you to ask to. We haven't had to deal with a relapse yet. It's only been 36 days. That can be a lot for many, but my husband's cycle of watching P seems to come in spurts every couple of months, so we'll see how things are going in a few weeks.
Don't forget though PA is a very serious problem. Like cancer, it needs to be treated aggressively. You may or may not be overreacting. Hang in there. Sybil

[slowlybecomingbitter]

Today I really thought about the conversations my lover and I have had leading up to his decision to quit P and M. Even the journey leading up to this point makes me smile when I think of the progress we have both made in such a short time. It really makes me look forward to the life changing experience this is going to be for the both of us!

I feel that our respect for eachother has trippled since our last intense conversation. We had reached a point of desperation. And what we did with that is listened to eachother, took those feelings and sorted through them and formulated a plan of action. And the difference of that conversation and the previous ones is the plan of action is actually active. And on top of us being active in our plans we both recognize that there may be relapse and we even planed on on how I am going to work on my reactions when that does happen.

I realize that my reaction to his relapses is a huge deal in his recovery. What have others done in order to exhibit patience and love?

[slowlybecomingbitter]

This week has been difficult for me I thought things were going well with my partner but it turns out that things have become worse. Its not that I don't expect relapse or that its not going to be hard for him to stop using P but he has managed to start telling little lies now concerning it. I know that its becasue of embarassment, guilt, or the desire to not make me upset, but I also know that I trusted him and that I think as hard as this topic is, it is not worthy of lying to someone you love about. Not when we already know this is the problem we are working on.

I know that I could react a little better to when he does relapse into old habits. But at the same time, as his partner that is something I vowed to work on along side him working on his PA. If I'm not given the fair opportunity to respond to him being honest, how can I change? How is it helping him if he is not able to be honest with others which in turns means hes not being honest to himself? I ultimatly just want our relationship to remain strong and us unified. I love him to death and I know he loves me the same way. I just don't know how to keep plugging away at this battle. Any suggestions?

[Toria]

Hey SBB,

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going so smoothly. It must be so frustrating for you, you seem like such an understanding person and I know that you would prefer to be hurt in the short-term by finding out about the small relapses than the situation go back to how it was before.

I can't find a way of saying "tell me the truth and we'll deal with it together" that isn't patronising. I have told my BF that if he tells me, I will forgive, but if I have to make that horrible 'discovery' again, it will become harder for me to keep trying to support him. Nonetheless, like you say, the small 'white lies' come creeping back in. Maybe it is habit.

I hope that if and when you find a way of making your OH understand, you will post it here. I'll be very interested to find out.

Until then, I wish you all the best.

[slowlybecomingbitter]

Well my bf and I set up a trial plan. We pretty much left it at this:

-Recaps on Sundays, this allows me to prepare myself and gather my good graces up and prepare to forgive if necessary. This in turn allows him the freedom to not have me breathing down his neck every day and every week.
-If he feels the need to tell me during the week then thats his deal. I can't be his mother and get him to tell me the truth whether I ask for it or not.
-He is not being honest with himself if he is telling little lies therefore he is not growing. And ultimately I know he wants to grow, he has said it a million times and I truly believe it.
-Each week he is going to be honest about whether certain measures he has put in place to help him have honestly helped him or if we need to add or replace a measure.
- Each week we both are going to choose something specific to this journey that we are going to work on, and we will evaluate that in ourselves on sundays.

So, I'll be keeping you guys updated on how this plan is working for us. I'll let you know the pros and cons. And then I would love it if I had input along the way!

Thanks so much for everyones support!

SBB

[slowlybecomingbitter]

Well Sunday of our first week is approaching fast! I am nervous and trying to go into this with high expectations but my pessimistic personality is getting the best of me on occasion.

First and foremost I hope that he did not have a relapse this week. Second, if he did I hope that I am able to have a good attitude and acknowledge the fact that he is telling me openly and truthfully the accounts of this past week. I'm looking for improvements, not perfection!

[slowlybecomingbitter]

First week went well. He was tempted but did not give in. He was able to recognize patterns revolving around when he was tempted the most which was after we have had sex. At first I was tempted to react with "well does that mean I'm not enough" but he got to it before me and explained why he felt that it happened that way.

So, goals for this week are...
He said he would post at least twice on this site and utilize it more. He also said that he realized that if we have sex he needs to take special precautions the day after so that he does not fall into the temptation of viewing P. I said I would continue to work on my attitude towards my responses to good and bad news as well as work on my psychological state concerning my viewpoint.

I need to remain in the mindset that he loves me, this addiction was there before I was ever in his life, and its ultimately his problem that no one can fix for him. I can help him, I can love and encourage him, and I can continue to forgive him. I cannot however, keep him from looking at P, make him tell the truth, or force him to be an open book. All I can do is maintain my end of the deal which is to be a loving partner through everything. I'm here and I'm not leaving! :-D

[Toria]

What a great post SBB,

I admire your strength of character so much and I'm pleased to see that your boyfriend is getting along well.

You have written some really interesting ideas that I can go away, think about and try myself - so thanks for that.

Keep up the good work! :)

Toria