This is me... Toria's Journal

[Toria]

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[Toria]

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[Toria]

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[Toria]

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[FoolishMind]

Dear Toriabockle, while I have read so many accounts of relationships hitting rock bottom due to PA, and thinking ive heard it all before, Every time I do read another post from a partner explaining her hurt and explaining the crazy things a PA does it never ceases to amaze and sadden me.

So your clear, I am a recovering PA. I sincerley thank you for the time you have taken to openly share your situation. It really can be quite hard to talk about parts of our lives that really are meant to be personal to us. Yet at the same time as you have mentioned you will feel a certain relief in knowing your are not alone in this.

You have eloquently explained recent and distant examples of what your partner has done. So I will complement this by summarised in a very clear form, and advise you as best I can the next steps you can take.

1) Your boyfriend is a Pornography Addict (PA)
2) The route of the PA problem lays with your boyfriend
3) His attitude and behaviour towards you, is due to Pornography - NOT YOU.

Make sure your clear on those 3 points first.

Ok so im assuming we are both in agreement with point 1 for sure as the evidence is clear.

Can anyone help you or you help him?

Not directly no. No matter how much effort you can give, it will be worthless unless you boyfriend GENUINLEY acknowledges he has a problem. Based on your account, and how things are fading again, I would say he is just waiting till it blows over and he perceives that that your more comfortable again.

How can you make him Genuinely acknowledge he is a PA?

Write a letter. Before you write / type the letter be clear in what your objective is. Are you prepared to carry on in the relationship if he doesnt change? If no, then you need to let him know this, and he needs to respect you enough to say he cant change.
You also need to let him know that wether you remain together or not, as you care for him, You sincerley hope he will help himself. If he wants support from you, and sincerely wants to do this for himself (NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE TELLING HIM) then you can support him. and make one last ditch effort.

You also need to let him know youve visited this site, and that you would encourage him to have a look, as he will be shocked at how many people have gone through exactly what he has, and many have turned their individual lives and relationships around.

Thats it. That is the best you can do.

For you, You need to focus on yourself, and regain your self esteem and confidence. Through everything you have been through, you have taken a real beating in the heart, So you need to read through the articles here, and understand this predicament from both angles. The more you understand about how a PA works, the more you will realise it has nothing to do with you as a person or the way you look.

If you havent already take a look at the below links to posts, which is the best place to start:

Life with a PA – the Dark Side of the Moon

The Mind of a PA

My thoughts are with you.
FM

[brulant]

I found this site today and have been sat in tears for the last hour reading the discussion posts. I can't describe the feeling when you suddenly learn that you aren't alone and I am so grateful that I am here after so long on my own.

Validation is so amazing in its power, isn't it!?
You're totally in the right place and I wish you some inner peace in all of this chaos. You're probably going to experience a pretty rocky road and a *lot* of emotional turmoil, but that first blast hitting you in the face is the beginning of the long road out.
Welcome and I'm sending you a great big, huge hug!!!!

I am in the middle of a tough time. I have known about my boyfriend's porn usage for a long time, but kept it to myself for months. I didn't know how to talk to him and I thought that if he found out I was keeping tabs on it he would just get better at hiding it.

I know exactly what you mean and you're right, but at the same time keeping it in just serves to hurt your self-esteem and pride,doesn't it? Its okay. We all have to go through these stages. I still fight the urge to bite my tongue with letting on what I know knowing that it potentially means that they will just get better at hiding and prolong the lies. You've still got here and us!

I recently watched a movie with my partner that he really liked which had a female character who was searching to get out of a hell house type situation. It was a horror movie. Afterward I asked him if he liked her character and if he thought she was crazy. He didn't "get it" so I brought on my impish grin and pointed out that she was searching for the truth because she knew that what was going on was "wrong" and she was trusting her gut. She was doing what she needed to survive..... and she was "snooping" and she found the truth in order to get out of a horrible situation. lol

He "got it".
<grin>

It opened up a way to talk about some stuff without his defensiveness, anger and blaming getting in the way to a greater extent than before. Things aren't "over" yet, but some layers are exposing themselves at least.

Being a typical Virgo,

I would say its a human trait and not unique to virgo, but more about that later. ;)

I would make a note in my diary about what times he was looking at porn, what I was doing at the time and his general mood. By doing this I kept a journal of his habits which made me feel I was somehow in control of what was happening.

I know that there's a lot of stuff out there which says we're trying to control them, but I disagree with all of that as "traditional old thinking". IMHO (in my humble opinion) its us trying desperately to find truth and to remember it. *He* has been lying to you and you know it. Its your gut knowing better and your head doesn't want to see it yet or its too caught up in hope or whatever. Let's look at your next sentence.

I confronted him once before about it, he managed to worm his way out of the argument by telling lies and turning everything around to be my fault.

See, you're trying to find out the truth and remember it. I went through this with my ex PA/SA monster a number of years ago. I needed to journal because I was constantly told that what I knew to be true wasn't true. Its officially called gaslighting, actually. I'd say to keep the journal hidden from now on. You don't need to tell him. If he's not being honest with him that's a good sign that you need to take the steps to protect yourself until he can be trusted. This isn't lying. I promise. This is maintaining your mental health in a time when the "healthy" part (honesty, trust, etc.) is being stolen from you. You are not doing anything wrong.

My journal/calender saved my life in many, many ways.

<snip>
I am powerless and will find out whether I really do trust him.

Needless to say, I am an emotional wreck at the moment.

You know things here. Its a tough thing to see it for what it is.
We all know what you're talking about, too!

Welcome to TFF!!
If you need anything, including more validation or a shoulder we're totally here for you. We can't offer you magic, but we offer a collective wisdom from many perspectives.

There is no shame and blame.
You're reactions so far have been very normal and understandable, IMHO. What isn't "normal" is what you've been put through, but we totally understand. Its unfortunately far more common than many would have us know and that's pretty disturbing, isn't it?!

Stepping outside and connecting with the world around you (a sunset, the wind in the trees, the gentle rainfall or a morning dew), find these moments because they will help you find some moments peace within your soul at these times.

You're not alone.
I'm sorry you have to go through this.
I wish I could give you answers.

Here's another hug!

[needsmoresugar]

Wow. A lot of what you've said here rings a very familiar bell with me. I wish I could offer advice, but I'm still struggling with many of these same issues myself. At least I can say: you're not alone!

I was very relieved to get to your last post and see that Sam has admitted he has a problem. Of course, that's the first step to recovery. A lot of people on these forums highly recommend writing a letter to your partner, explaining how you feel and how this situation has affected you. (I have yet to write my own letter, because I'm a chicken.) I think this would be a smart move for you, based on the way he handled your concerns in the past.

[CRM114]

Toriabockle,

Like Foolishmind said, your boyfriend's problem is with the porn and not you. I can understand how it could make you feel unattractive to him, but you need to step back and look at the big picture: he has a problem with an addiction. This problem has nothing to do with your physical (or emotional) attractiveness.

Keep posting your story hun! If you need advice or just a friendly listening ear, you are certainly welcome. :)

[Toria]

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[Abbie]

I cannot believe I missed your journal! My only defence is that there are a lot of us on here and it's hard to keep up.

I'm glad that FM picked up on your journal and replied, as I was reading it looked as if nobody had replied and that was breaking my heart as I read.

Anyway, you're on the radar now girl!

I am the wife of a recovering PA, and your story will ring similar to most of us here as he is in denial about his addiction. I would suggest you read through the other journals on here and you will see that although we are all different, our stories are very similar, and hopefully you can identify with the stages we are all at/have been through.

My heart goes out to you as my hubby too seemed to prefer P over having sex with me, and that is so heartbreaking when that's what you are thinking. And why would you think anything else? It's always clear cut to us women, but it's not always so clear cut for the guys.

Keep on with your journal, I'll bookmark it so I don't miss it again!