harder that i thought - Sybil's Journal

[sybil]

well, i guess all the new SO's say that. it's only day 21 for me. found out about his PA on July 19. like i said only day 21 and it seems he's giving up on me helping him says he's going to do it on his own. I guess it's partially my fault. He was sharing a lot with me, maybe too much, and as hard as i tried to hold back my anger and hurt i couldn't. Never any good at lying. Oh well, i guess that's not a bad thing. He got really angry with me today. He was in a situation that triggers his Pa and didn't do it as much as he was tempted to. Proud of him, yes. angry at him for craving to look at naked women having sex, yes. now he says he's not going to tell me anything other than if he's done it(looked at P) or not. Probably a good thing.

I've worked so hard at building up my own self-esteem over the years just to have it torn down in a day is torturous. I've overcome sexual abuse starting from age 5, a drunk dad who beat up on my mom,bulimia, a thug abusive boyfriend/father of my 1st two children dead-beat dad. I can overcome this right? Well my husband of 7 years, my now PA, has been my "knight in shining armor". I guess that's the problem. I expected too much from him. I trusted him more that anyone should trust another human setting myself up for disappointment. well, that's what i got.

Well, he needs my help now. He's helped me with so much. Now he doesn't want it because of the way i've reacted. or is that just an excuse. i don't know. all i know is that i'm really hurt right now and don't know what to do. my 15 year-old is sexually active, my husband's a PA, and my 12 year-old is looking at pictures of naked women already. I found all this out in a matter of 3 weeks. i can only take so much. my bulimia has returned with a vengence-suprise, surprise. today i was back on track. i don't want what others do or say to affect what i do or say. i'm so tired of this already. am i being an awful SO. Is he giving up on me too easily. I love him dearly and want to support him. well, that's about all i can stand to share. this is so draining. sybil

[Abbie]

Yes, you're right, it is draining. That's something that a lot of us SOs say on here.

You sound like you've been to hell and back in your life, and they thing here is that you've come back from hell. Life deals good cards and bad cards, and you seem to have had more than your fair share of bad, but remember that this has made you stronger. Don't give up! You are obviously a very caring and strong woman as you are here, even though things are going well with your partner, you are here, still trying!

My thoughts to you >:D<

[sybil]

Thanks Abbie. I needed that. You too seem to be a strong and caring person. I'm so glad you are here, even though none of us wish we were. Just found out my uncle,age 40, just died this morning. He'd been struggling with a brain tumor for 10 years. Him and my aunt have 3 kids. Makes one really be grateful for what one has. My husband and I both have our health. We also have each other.I guess we should count our blessings right. Thanks again for your words of encouragment. Sybil

ps. It's going to be a good day- problems and all.

[needsmoresugar]

Sybil, as a fellow survivor of an eating disorder (though mine was anorexia), I can completely understand how easy it is to fall back into those habits when going through what we are with our partners. For me, at least, my eating disorder was largely about control: I found comfort in controlling what/when/how I ate because I felt like I had no control over the rest of my life. Of course, in the end I only felt even less in control, because my eating disorder had begun to control me.

Lack of control is something all partners of PAs feel, and the need to take it back can be very dangerous to us with histories of eating disorders. I don't know what your personal history is, but I assume that suffering with bulimia was a bad experience. Remember what it did to you before—and don't let it happen again! The only way to truly take control is to make the right decisions for yourself. I think you know deep down that falling back into the pit of your eating disorder is not the right decision.

If it's more a matter of self-esteem for you—and god knows how PA can ravage a partner's self-esteem—remember this. A beautiful woman is a woman who is healthy in mind, body, and spirit. Eating disorders are illnesses of all three! A beautiful woman is a woman who has inner strength. An eating disorder saps our strength and targets our weaknesses. A beautiful woman is a woman who is intelligent. An eating disorder makes us deny fact and indulge in ridiculous fantasy. A beautiful woman is a woman who is confident and proud of herself. An eating disorder makes us unable to ever be satisfied with ourselves, and attacks our self-esteem every day that we are a slave to it.

Please, don't let bulimia back into your life. If you've been through it once before, you know that it'll only make everything worse instead of better. There is no happy ending to eating disorders, except recovery!

[sybil]

Hi needsmoresugar. Sorry for what you have gone through(anorexia) and are going through now(SO).Wow, your insight on eating disorders was right on the money. I know I've read such things before, and also talked with a therapist about them, but it helps to remember to apply what you've learned when times get tough- right! Thanks for your concern.o:-)

I absolutely don't plan on letting my disorder get out of control. In fact I'm going to sound like Airkeep now and say "This is not an option for me. It will not happen again". I'll try my best. I've hopefully unloaded emotionally the last of it all yesterday.My hubby and I again managed to work out a lot yesterday. Not to say I won't have another down day, those emotions will just be "repeats". I'll deal with them like the "strong and beautiful" woman I am- We are!!!! All the SO's that are fighting and not giving up are brave and strong for not throwing in the towel.=D>
THANKS again NMS.

[AirKeep]

Sybil,
No, you're not being an awful SO. As you put it, you are brave and strong for not throwing in the towel. I'm sure most PA's can't fully understand or appreciate that.
Although it would be tough, it would be understandable to have one say I didn't ask for this, and I didn't deserve or need this. I know my therapist always tells me you have to look at how you helped to create the environment you're in, and even with dynamics SO's add to a marraige, you certainly didn't create or need this.
Sorry for all the situations you're in right now. It must take a lot of strength to handle it all. That 'knight in shining armor', well, we all really want to be that, and that can be hard to live up to, but we all wish we were still that, not the messed up, perveted, sick, addict (or all the other fun terms I'm sure SO's can come up with when they're angry! :D)
From a PA, thanks for sticking with the fight, being willing to take some good hard look at everyone's situation, and doing what you can. (my stbx had some binge eating and other issues as well (some I'm sure I helped create), so I know that can't be easy to not turn to that).
Hope the best for you and yours.

[Jacinda24]

Ahhh the struggles of life. And eating disorders, and every disorder that goes along with trying to feel like we can control some part of our lives to an extent. I was in an 8 year relationship with a person whom I knew from the day I met them that this was not who I wanted to be with. I just knew that I wanted to experience a relationship & maybe possibly fall in love, I was seventeen and scared of the world. I gained 90-100 lbs. I felt stuck in this relationship because I knew this person believed they truly loved me and I felt I would never meet a man who I would be worthy of.
Then I lost 80 lbs. and met the man of my dreams. 3 years later and here I am stuck with a person I truly love but constantly question his love for me d/t his P addiction. I'm starting to overeat again letting my anxiety get the best of me.He is everything I ever wanted, but P is completely destroying our relationship and my faith in the male species.
It's very disheartening how quickly a man can drill our self-esteem right into the mud. My father did it all my teenage life, and now my BF is doing it, or I'M LETTING him do it. Either way I think being a women is such an emotional whirlwind of love and hurt. I'm proud to be one though!

[Searching4peace]

Jacinda24 and Sybil,

I highly recommend that you read up on S-anon. Not only because you are the spouse of a SA, but you have some of the same self esteem issues that I to have had to deal with. S-anon, helped me to find my center, my self worth. Even if you do not believe in a secular religion, I just replace "god" with my "higher Power"...that works for me. Even if you do not take the "let go and let god" aproach they have some amazing lessons that can be taken from it.

S-Anon International Family Groups

I'm sorry I'm slacking on my forum responses lately, trying to catch up to real life too...I'll try to catch up with more soon.

Peace and love,
Crys

[Jacinda24]

Thanks S4P, I'm definitely going to check it out, I keep pondering-Do P addicts really have an underlying issue that makes them addicted to P? Or do they just really enjoy looking/watching that they don't want to stop? I struggle with this. If there is an underlying issue then I would feel much more understanding; but if it's ultimately for their own selfish sexual pleasure then I'm beside myself.........................

[sybil]

Jacinda24 HI. I know we have to remind ourselves over and over that's PA's not our fault(unless we are one of those really messed up porn stars). I think you'll find out as I have been finding out, that the self-esteem issues may vary day to day. I've done a lot of self-evaluation lately that's hard to deal with but ultimately been helpful once I got over the emotional aspect. If we put too many expectations and all our hopes in our relationship with our PA, then we are more likely to be let down. this is no fault of our mate because they are only imperfect humans like ourselves. What is their fault is when they don't take responsibility for their actions and fail to give all they can in their effort to fight PA. I am going to be aggresive doing my part. That is doing all that I can to build myself up and be the best I can whether or not my husband does. I love him and will still support him, but it's more difficult to help when you're "broken" too. I'm relying heavily on God right now also. I feel these are the things that will help my marriage. Of course, like I said, there will still be those down days, we just can't stay in those "dark places" too long.

I do have to say as far as addictions go, I've notice a lot of simiarities between PA and bulimia. The obvious, need to be alone when doing and of course the initial secrecy. It's also worse when you are tired on top of beigh stressed. PA, from talking with my husband, also sounds like a coping mechanism in the same way bulimia is. Binge and Purge- P and M, hmmm? What's also interesting, I don't know if there is any correlation, but 85% of bulimics were sexually abused.My hubby wasn't abused, but maybe PA is a form of self sexual abuse. anyway, I can be more understanding as far as afflictions go, but bulimia doesn't effect the spouse in quite the same way PA does. Oh, and Airkeep, I don't think you are all "perverts". You are here trying to be better people for yourselves and others. Gotta go, kids are arguing. sybil