Defensive After the Letter - Last2Know's Journal

[last2know]

I wrote the letter and left it on my husband's pillow this evening. He waited until our Son(10) was in bed before responding. I said to him that he didn't have to respond so soon, in fact it might be best if he didn't respond so soon.

I was afraid that he would pick the letter apart and just become argumentive and defensive. Taking no blame, like he normally does. I still let him know that I would listen if he insisted on responding right then and there.

Well, I was basically right. The first thing that he voiced was that since I said that I didn't want this to be a session of finger-pointing and arguing ,that I had then pretty much controlled what he could say. :-o

He actually sat there and started telling me that what he and I did sexually was our private business. (We have made movies and used porn after he was discovered 2 years ago. ) I tried my best to keep my cool and re-explain that the letter was dealing with the sole subject of how his secret and solo porn use affected me. People, I don't know if he meant to misunderstand my crystal clear letter or he is in that deep denial.

The closest that he got to acknowledging what he has done is to say that he was sorry that "it" made made feel the way that I do. He was sorry that I felt ashamed is what he said.

After a lot of my explaining, he did sorta admit that he was not honest with who he is. He said this, "You mean that I'm not honest about who I am?"

My stbx never owned even doing pornagraphy. He said "it was sad." What he was referring to is the act of me checking up on him to see when or if he was surfing the net for porn. Not that it is sad that he promised me that he wouldn't surf for porn but that he continued to lie and deceive!! That I changed into this person who checks up on her husband, is what he wants me to undertstand is the sad part.

I would have been screaming and crying if I didn't already expect this reaction. I believe that my stbx is so filled with pride, anger and denial, until he could not understand the letter that he was holding. He did express concern that the letter may be used to affect his custody percentage in the divorce.

What I could hear, was that he was defensive as usual (only this time without the yelling). He wants me to feel guilty for spying on him in order to find out (the truth) what he was really doing.

He says that I am mistaken. He says that I am basing what I wrote on "the logs" captured on the computer. I lastly explained to him that those logs were able to be captured becuase he sat there and logged into porno sites. I told him that I don't think that someone else is using his/our computer without our knowledge. He silently appeared to agree.

This is the worst case of blaming, avoiding and denial that I have ever seen (that wasn't on TV)!

Lawd FoolishMind where are ya' now to translate my H's crazy behavior? Is it only porn or is there a woman waiting in the wings that would make him act this way?

[Heartbroken85]

This sounds exactly like my boyfriend. I have all the same fears and concerns. Please someone help us understand the men we love so much.

[brokensoul]

sounds like some of the answers i give my wife
they were just me not trying to work out issues
i just found that p was a place for me to go to and just keep things on an even path^:)^

[last2know]

This is my 3rd attempt at trying to post my reply. I don't know what happens.

Anyway, thanks for the responses. So what you're saying is that my H is so addicted and ashamed until he is going to go through with this divorce and continue to pretend that he is fine?

Is he in the deepest of denial and cannot see himself, or can he see himself but is just making sure that he keeps telling me that it's all in my head?

[Searching4peace]

This is my 3rd attempt at trying to post my reply. I don't know what happens.

Anyway, thanks for the responses. So what you're saying is that my H is so addicted and ashamed until he is going to go through with this divorce and continue to pretend that he is fine?

Is he in the deepest of denial and cannot see himself, or can he see himself but is just making sure that he keeps telling me that it's all in my head?

L2K,

None of us can really tell you what your husband is going through, we can tell you our own experiences and try to guide you to the best options. From what you have told us, He sounds like he is deep in denial, he sees nothing wrong with what he's done, doing or plans to do. There are some people that never grow to see anything wrong with addiction, just as there are people in this world that feel that abuse is warranted, and that women should have no rights. I can't imagine what it must be like to be going through this, through no fault of your own your marriage is ending. That sucks, but it's important that you remember it's "through NO fault of your own"...this is HIS problem...it's not your fault that he is choosing to be closed minded about this, that he is choosing to blame you for his problems as if they do not matter. You deserve someone that will at least listen to your side of things and take them into real consideration, even if they were irrational "Which they are not", and work with you to overcome them. He is not even trying to do that, it sounds like you are concerned that he has found another woman, and is just waiting to end it with you...that may be the case, but that should further prove that you deserve more.

I hope this helps, all we can do is be here for your, and hope that some of what we have to say can help you to overcome this and recover your own sanity and sense of peace.

Peace and love,
Crys

[last2know]

My husband went off to work on Friday and will be gone until noon Tuesday. Even though he now knows that I can see what he's doing on the laptop, he took it with him anyway. My therapist thinks that it was a good thing that I let husband know that the laptop is being monitered. I'm not so sure sometimes.

So his response to the letter was disappointing. He called home yesterday just to check if our son was ok, because when he left early, I had been out walking before our son awoke. He called to be sure that I had made it back home. I didn't expect to talk to him, but I tried as carefully as I could to ask him if he was talking to a male, or confiding in a close male friend about his PA. Defensive immediately, he says that no he is not and he is not talking to a therapist. I told him that I don't expect that he would talk to a therapist. He said that if and when he feels like he needs to talk to someone then he will do that. oH DENIAL! Nothing but defensive.

I told him that I care about him and that maybe he could talk to one of his 2 closet male friends from childhood. They are still close. (As close as you can get to my phony acting husband.) I told him that I had considered calling them myself and telling them about his PA so that they could talk/listen to him. I said that I had not made a definite plan to do that, but that my telling him about my thoughts was proof that I wasn't just trying to go behind his back to hurt and embarrass him. He was calm as I talked. I have seen him before at the suggestion of similar issues, panic with fear.

I told him that I know that at least those are 2 males who love him. I reiterated (sp?) that until the gavel comes down in our separation and divorce case, that I would be there for him if he wanted to come to me for help. I told him again, that he cannot fix this on his on. And so we hung up the phone.

Okay, then many hours later, which was last night, I am here at the computer reading. I decide to check into the site that monitors the laptop. My husband writes and sends a message to the company trying to have the software removed. I feel that he was probably itching to do porn but knows that I can see him. He keeps telling me that he is already done with P (presto-change-o) from a few weeks ago, because he doesn't need it. I don't believe that. The only reason that he stopped (on the laptop that is) a few weeks ago is because I let him know that I could see what he was doing (and the subject matter was more hardcore than he had convinced me that he liked). I think that he is going through withdrawl right now.

The company has assured me.

So, there you have it. I'm a little saddened. Not surprised, but saddened. He is so far gone. I don't know if I would even want to work on this with him anyway. I know that sounds like I'm willing to throw away 20 years of marriage but, It just KILLS me when I see him stare at women and girls in public. He gets this hard look in his eyes that looks as if he's going to bore a hole in the girl. I absolutely hate witnessing that. I don't think that I'm in any danger of him wanting to stay together anyway. It's like he can't wait to DUMP me. I know that I also have my own independent issues is why I'd also choose to stay with him. I'm too lazy to move house. Sounds bad, but that's me today.

[Abbie]

L2K,

Your story is quite similar to mine the first few times I found out my husband was doing it, and from my experience, it sounds like yours is in serious denial. Whether or not he is ending the marriage because of this, only you two know how your relationship is without P.

It has taken nearly 5 years of going through this before my husband has really admitted that his use of P is wrong. I've heard countless times "I'll stop", "I'm not addicted", "I'm just looking", "it's normal", "I didn't set out to hurt you", "please take the software off as I'm not going to do it again"........... I could go on and on with this!

I also, suggested to my husband that he talk to a trusted friend, a therapist, anyone, but he never did (see my story), but he has since admitted that this was because he would have to take ownership of the problem, which in turn means he would have to stop - something he didn't want to do. And so the circle goes around and around.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, and no matter what anyone says about letting go, even though he is leaving you still have unanswered questions, things unresolved, you still have the devastation of what has happened. And he gets to walk away. It doesn't seem fair does it? Our lives crumble, our marriages that we thought would be forever disintegrate, our planned futures now become uncertain.

But you know something L2K? If this divorce really goes through, think of that uncertain future, it now becomes a beautiful blank page that is just itching to be written on by you and your son.........>:D<

[last2know]

Thank you SO much Abbie for those final inspiring words. Yes, my husband is in deep denial and I just can't imagine him manning up and admitting to his problem right now. It does help me somehow to hear that your husband acted the same way. He woke up though. I'm not being cynical. I guess I have only so far read about SO's who "were" in denial and who "were" stubborn before they came around and were humbled and full of love and remorse. Today, I feel beat by this mess. Still, thank you for sharing your experience as the SO of a PA. I will go and read your story.

I have just started a journal here so I will repeat some of this over in that section. H called today to talk to son and spoke to me briefly at the end of the call. I was surprised because what he said really could have waited until he comes home tomorrow. Of course since I gave him the letter and he was rather defensive , I am interpreting every inflection trying to see if it ever sank in.

Well, I sensed that he sounded gutted, wounded, shaken,sober and ashamed, but still with a dash of pride. Normally when I sense that something is difficult for him, I jump in and help him articulate it, but I didn't do that this time. He did not mention the letter anyway.

I know that we aren't divorced yet, we're not even seaprated yet, but today I don't see that he will own this before that happens.

[last2know]

I think that I said that I was journaling somewhere. It's here! I'm in it! I've posted on a forum before but not too much as you can tell by my skills.

It's late at night here. I have to turn in now. Husband will be home around 1:00 p.m. tomorrow. My son already has plans to go to a friends' house. Me, I don't want to be here when he comes in so I too will go over to a friends'.

I won't leave a note because it'll be mid-day and everybody's out at that time. If he gets concerned, he can call my son's cell phone. I have a new phone and he doesn't know the number. I chose to do that because he was breaking my heart by not returning my messages and saying to me in so many words that he didn't want to hear from me. I was crushed because....

I have to back track a little. Two (almost 3)years ago when I discovered the P, I also discovered that he had made a female friend on the job. I believe that it was an emotional affair. I was further devastated when I noticed that all the while we had identical phones, he was only texting/calling me about the odd piece of family business. Like "I forgot my keys" or "What time is the school play?" Well, after coming to my senses and looking at emails and texts that he had forgotten to delete, I saw that he spoke the most caring and sweet language to her. =((=((=(( Words Can't describe how that hurt me. Here I was walking around being depressed and wondering what was wrong in my marriage ,and he had checked out and was flirting and doing P.

We argued a lot (before I knew what was happening) because I was constantly confronting him about his indifference and just downright cold and callous behavior towards me .

He was no longer initiating sex. The few times a year that we had it, I had to initiate, and that was the complete opposite of what I had known.

Oh! I have trailed off from the new cell phone story. So, those sweet text messages that he sent to her, his "friend" felt like a foot crushing my heart. I slowly weened myself off of calling him. I also saw on his phone when I found the old texts, that there were about 5-6 of my phone calls that were "missed". I could just envision him rolling his eyes whenever I would call. And I used to be SO happy to see his name pop up on my phone. I choke up to think of it now. So that's why when he gets here tomorrow, (or at any other time) he cannot call me. He won't have a number to reach me by.

Also, the day after tomorrow is his 46th birthday. This will be the first time since I met him back in 1986 that I will not acknowledge his birthday. I have to do this because I am too afraid of him taking me for granted. Because I am always there for him. He comes home in the evening on his birthday ,and for all I know he has planned an evening out with a couple of his young friends. He has recently started hanging out with a couple of guys that used to work at the daycare at our son's school. The guys are nice enough, it's just new behavior for my husband. (maybe it's just new to me)

So at the end of this day, my feelings remain the same. The ball is in his court now and I don't have any faith that it's going to be kicked back.

[brokensoul]

i just wish to send you a >:D<
maybe he will wake up after this
i hope it works out