Jacinda's "Fairytale"

[Jacinda24]

~X( This weekend I'm giving my younger sister's Bridal Shower. She's getting married next month, her and her fiance are perfect together. They love and respect each other, & they met a year before my BF and I; and were engaged 2 years later. I was/am jealous because I'm 3 years older then her and always imagined myself being married first. The day she got got engaged I was so sad because I actually thought my BF was going to propose to me(It was Christmas Eve '06), what a joke. I truly am happy there getting married because I love them both, but I feel so sad at the same time because I feel like my fairytale is broken. Everyone is so excited for her wedding, and the jealous part of me thinks this should have been me ( Had my BF actually been marriage material) It just makes me so sad to think about how happy we were, I would wake up and go to sleep smiling from ear to ear because I was so in love with my BF. I'm just not her anymore, and it's sad when people tell me i'm not the same fun person I used to be & it hurts my heart to think that I've let P do this to me. I mean how dare I let it change who I am and how I relate to people? It destroyed my love. Destroyed my Hope, and I feel like it has destroyed my future. It makes me angry and jealous to know that people (like my sister) have these wonderful lives where they argue and then have great sex, and ultimately just love and appreciate one another, where did that go? I guess we never really had it because my BF was into P way before I came along.

[hope phul]

Hugs...I couldn't tell if you were still in a relationship or not but if not...I hope you meet the guy of your dreams soon and that he has never and will never look at P:)

>:D<
C

[Jacinda24]

Well my sisters Bridal Shower went excellent! But I'm sure glad it's over!
I did some talking with my BF about the P (again), and he's agreed to get rid of the magazines. (since there's hundreds of them)And I contacted a company that buys used mags, so he'll get some money back for them. We are going to inventory them this week. Sounds a little strange doesn't it?!:-< And it bothers me that he keeps a stack right next to the bed. There right there!I explained to him I just can't do this anymore, it hurts too much & I finally feel like if he's not willing to help himself then I'm going to move on. It is so hard to talk to him, but he told me he knows it hurts me and it makes him feel bad about himself because he doesn't want to make me feel like that.I've heard this before, but we've never physically acted on his P addiction. So him agreeing to get rid of the mags is hopeful I guess? The only problem I'm having with this is that he says he can quit on his own, and I explained I don't think that's possible because this is an addiction and you really can't do it on your own. He doesn't agree with me. He thinks he can stop. He's seen this website, he's read some of what I wrote, and some of your replies. I think it makes him very uncomfortable to read it. He hasn't read everything, but it's a start that I got him to read some of it. He refuses to join though.
I really wanted to be intimate with him last night, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It's been at least a month and a half since we've even kissed I think.I just miss him so much. I frequently push him away, out of hurt I guess. I'm just scared because I know he doesn't really enjoy intercourse (because it's not the same sensation of self-pleasure) And I don't want to feel hurt and useless again because he can't physically perform because I'm not enough for him. I hate that feeling! And even though I know it's not my fault, I can't help but feel bad about it.
Oh, well. Maybe I'll try tonight. :)

[Abbie]

I can identify with not being able to be intimate with your PA, I think a lot of us suffer with that, and it's so upsetting as we still need human contact.

It's a great big step that he is giving away the magazines! Just try not to look through them as you get them ready, I know a few of us here cannot get rid of some of the images that we have seen and it will only harm you and also his recovery.

>:D<

[Jacinda24]

Thanks for the advice Abbie!

[Jacinda24]

Well tonight I started to organize the P mag collection as I've mentioned we are selling them. What a process! My BF agreed to go on a motorcycle ride while I began to separate and inventory the mags. It was a bit overwhelming as mags covered the entire king sized bed (in stacks) the dressers, the floor, the trunk at the end of the bed, etc. So many degrading magazines.
Unfortunetly my BF came back in my mid inventory and the look on his face was one of anger/shock. Perhaps he's never seen all of these magazines laid out at once, I promise you it looked like an adult book store. He was upset because I laid them out allover the place-and felt there was a better way to organize them without exposeing them all at once. I asked him what was the brilliant idea he would suggest that I do? He then got pissed off and left again. Only to return about fifteen minutes later with an erection and some sexual demands-I was ticked. Here I am getting rid of this smut-and I do realize it must be something to see all of your eye candy laid out like that. He hasn't tried to initiate any kind of sexual contact really in at least a month or so and suddenly he wants me to be his dirty little whore. Unbelievable. I found it upsetting enough to have to physically sort through all these magazines, and here he comes-obviously turned on from the magazines, clearly not me.
I guess I kind of expected it. He's out riding again right now. Iv'e finished with the mags for tonight. I got about 3/4 of the way through. I just want them gone.........

[Jacinda24]

Today was not the brightest of days, one of the children I care for at work passed away early this morning, her father was by her side & I found comfort in that. I just hate to see people in pain. And I just never quite know what to say to comfort them(the parent). Then I hear the echo of what I did say over and over in my head. And i keep questioning what it was that I could have said differently to make it better. I analyze soooooo much.
My lil brother is leaving today for South Carolina for College, and my mother is very depressed about it as she feels she no one left. She called me tonight because she wanted me to sleep there tonight and tomorrow night with her because she can't be home alone. AHHHHH!
On the up side I did get Flowers sent to me from my sister thanking me for the beautiful Bridal shower I through for her last weekend.
It was a quiet day though, i did enjoy the breeze around my face as some co-workers and I sat outside for lunch. I'm pooped though-12 hour shifts wear me out & i have to be up in 5 1/2 hrs. to do another one! If only I could sleep-shut my mind off, now that would be bliss my friends....@};-

[Abbie]

If it's not going well with the magazines (i.e. what you have described), then I would suggest either chucking them all in bin bags and recycling them through the waste department, or taking them to some other location to sort them out.

I know it shouldn't be your responsibility to clear them out, but if you are both serious about getting rid of them and keeping your relationship on track it's the only thing I can see to do. You can't have him having this reaction as it will only harm both of you.

I really feel for you when you explained his sexual reaction towards you after he had seen them, this is understandable, but of course unacceptable, he needs to be as strong as you.

[FoolishMind]

Dont mean to Hijack this thread but just wanted to ask, I have not seen any dodgy images for quite a long time (by my standards now) and sometimes when thoughts come to my head, I very rarely am able to get a clear picture in my head any more. There was a question to all PA, about do the images remain etc? Do as SOs thing the images will stay in your head a lot longer or forever? Because that really frightens me.

Thanks in advance

FM

[brulant]

Hi FM I will take on your question, but first I want to send some love to Jacinda.

I don't know if I fully understood your question, but I think I got the gist. In some ways this isn't really hijacking the thread because I think that many of us SO's could use hearing some of this.

As a SO of being involved with a SA/PA several years ago I know that the specific p images didn't remain, but there are still memories that are triggered occaisionally. They happen the worst when an "ignorant outsider" has heard rumors or assumes that I somehow caused what happened. Our culture is rift with not getting and understanding the cycles that this stuff causes, and that partners don't cause addiction. Addicts are pretty good at telling the world it wasn't their fault and the world eats this up, then there's the patterns that a healthy brain/mind will do and that is when accused of something we automatically look to see if that is true. When we don't want to repeat a pattern our brain goes to theonly thing that it can control which is itself so we take on shame and blame to work on so that we don't repeat the patterns. THis is, of course, all backwards, since we were never the cause to begin with.

After a long time, though, when the source of the chaos and drama is removed, the brain is far less likely to be triggered by the memories just as is the case with an addict. We reinforce what we strive for instead of remaining caught up in the chaos/ drama cycles. This allows healthier thinking because we aren't constantly triggered and reminded.

In my case I left the addict because he was shifting all the shame and blame on me and unwilling to own up to his share, but if the addict begins to acknowledge and work on solving their contribution to the problems then those cycles of chaos and drama can be resolved. It has to be a two way street, though, and the addict also needs to allow the partner to go through the emotions they need to heal. This, unfortunately, seems to be the biggest challenge, but the most necessary for healing.

The triggers and memories are *far* less painful than they used to be, of course.
I don't remember any of the particular images from *that* addict, but I have found myself triggered by p in general lately and that's why I joined this site.

These new images are going to take time to erase just as the old ones did is what I've found. I guess the major difference is, though, that I knew how and where to get help and already knew to find validation for my feelings, etc. whereas before I was completely clueless about all of these cycles and the cycles of addiction.

Its all pretty commonsense and logical when you can step back and look at it calmly and rationally.... its just a matter of regaining calm and rational back into your life, right!!!?


(lol)
; )

Don't know if that addresses the question or if I understood it correctly, and I apologise if this wasn't appropriate for your journal, Jacinda.... but I thought maybe you'd appreciate it after having to see so many piles and stacks of the stuff everywhere.
; )

I think its also important to note that sx (with all the questioning as to if we are being used as a mb tool, etc.) is of course just like the images; with time and with eliminating the chaos the confusion, trauma and pain will fade.

take care and much strength!
brulant