Why I'm so sad - by SoSad

[sosad]

Thanks Crys,

for following up so soon. I will try to be brief but I have a long history:

I am 49, my husband 54. We have been married for 14 years, we've been in a relationship for 18 years. I always knew my husband had a fetish for latex etc., but I never considered this could become a problem. We've had our ups and downs, and I never prohibited pornography in our relationship. He had impotency problems about 11 years ago and I started having affairs. At the time he was cruising around town, stalking hookers and I assume MB, and when I found that out I was ready to exit. It came out in some very nasty lies and phone calls when he wasn't where he said he was and friends saw him on the street. It was embarassing.
But he swore to stop and I gave in and did not leave him. We have so much in common and so many things we enjoy doing together. I don't imagine meeting a mate for life like this again. Things healed and then there was a phase when I tried to fulfill his sexual phantasies and we had phantasic sex, but this wore out when I realized he wasn't having sex with me, I was interchangeable, I was an object and I missed the eroticism. He became totally visually fixated. We talked this one through, but had less and less sex.
I tried to get professional help. He finally obliged and attended some partner therapy sessions which I paid for, but unfortunately they did not help - they didn't get to the root of our problems.
The therapist thought it would help if we bought a flat together and built a common home, which we did.
That was 4 1/2 years ago. 2 years ago I quit smoking and realized I drank too much, and then started a therapy to find out why.
I knew then - I'm not exactly sure how long ago this was - that my HB was visiting porn sites. But I figured that was his fetish and that all the problems we were having, didn't necessarily have to do with that.
We took a 4 week holiday in Asia and we were very close and this dispelled any separation thoughts.

But when we got back, I gradually realized that my drinking problem had to do with being unloved, lonely and a lack of intimacy.
I didn't feel comfortable anymore coming home, unlocking the door and entering our apartment when he was working at home. I would hear him escape from the PC and pretend to be watching TV.
I would be cooking a Sunday brunch and bring him a coffee, only to see some babe on his monitor, when he was supposedly doing a rush job.
I followed his internet past and then I knew where he'd been. I was humiliated: he was getting it all the time, but I felt completely unattractive and undesirable. I thought I was the problem.
Then I started researching online pornography and discovered there was such a thing as online addiction.
I took the test. I printed it out and asked him to take it. It was blatant. I suddenly realized he had a problem that didn't necessarily have to do with me. I discovered PA.
He didn't acknowledge this as a problem. He changed his PC preferences so that I could no longer see where he'd been.
I then deleted all his folders he had collected with his favourite sites. I bought all the books I could find on the subject, unfortunately there's nothing in German.
I answered the questionaire about how all this affected me and showed him in writing how I feel and I cried my eyes out in front of him - which I never do. I told him I was going to fight for our relationship.

HB didn't take this at all seriously until he decided he could stop and couldn't. Since then he acknowledges his addiction but refuses to take any measures.
I gave him until the end of June to seek help. I then extended that till the end of Sept.
Perhaps part of the problem is that the German support services are Christian and we are not.
He's also not a forum type and English is not his mother tongue. In our last conversation, he expressed the wish to deal with someone in person.
I have researched Berlin to death and I only found 1 therapist that deals with online sex addiction.
I gave him the number 2 days ago. But will he call and make an appointment?
Guess I'm half way out the door but I dread that day.

I am so glad to be able to share this. I have confided to my family but I can't otherwise. I love the internet and all the information it gives me, but I somehow wish it never happened, at least not with these results. It's so paradox that TTF is online support. We all need to get out there and be real people, don't you think? And have real intimacy?

SoSad

[FoolishMind]

He had impotency problems about 11 years ago and I started having affairs. At the time he was cruising around town, stalking s and I assume MB, and when I found that out I was ready to exit.

Hi Sosad, and sorry for the lack of replies as yet. However you probably wont appreciate mine.

I think your first paragraph, is where the problem started. Even though its 11 years ago, You have had affairs, and he was stalking hookkers.

There are a lot more issues in that to be dealt with than solely P addiction.

I suggest a more deep and meaningful marriage counseling, as you need to identify what happened at the beginning.

FM

[Searching4peace]

SoSad,

I feel it's necessary to agree with some of what FM has said here, along with the need for marriage counseling...Your husbands Issue isn't limited to an online addiction, he is and shows all the signs of a full blown escalating Sexaholic. These actions on his part, despite your choices to stray, show the need for him to face the cause of his addicitons...not just to p. I know that you tried couples counceling, but to be honest the chances that the root of his sx addictions are probably from something farther back than the two of you, and are issues that he needs to face in his own therapy. Crusing for hookers, crosses a line into something that could have or may have escalated into something much more devious and unhealthy. SA is a disease shrouded in lies and deciet, and can stem from everything from mother issues to abuse/neglect. I highly recommend that the two of you seek seperate therapy before you try to go through couples therapy, I believe that the reason you couldn't seek real growth with it before is that the root of your issues isn't in the "US"...but more the Individual persons. I hope this helps, and I to apologise for the lack of responses, it's been a bit overwhelming lately with all of the sudden influx of new people to the site...those of us that try to get to everyone, are having a hard time keeping up.

I hope all is well.

Peace and Love,
Crys

[sosad]

Hi Crys,
Thanks for your insight. It has partly helped me to realize that he has problems that he needs to deal with and get help on his own. I have sought therapy on my own and I'm planning to continue with it in the fall, but that's not solving our problem. I'm assuming if he does actually get help, they will at some point want us to get counselling as a couple and I'm all for that. I am trying to be positive, but my therapist recommended setting a deadline. Do you recommend this as well?

[Searching4peace]

Yes, you need to set up boundaries and goals for your relationship, along with consequences for breaking these boundaries and goals.
The importance of setting expectations and boudaries in a relationship

You cannot let yourself be dragged around hanging on by a thread to the hope that one day, years from now he will wake up and realize his issue. If he is willing to get help, then he needs to do it. I truly feel if you can follow the basic outline that we, those of us that are in recovery, have talked about here then there is hope. I'm beating a dead horse when i say he has to want to change, he has to be willing to grow and mature in his own addiction and reactions to those addictions and habits. I trust also that if the two of you get individual help, real help where you are both honest and open with the therapist and each other, that can do nothing but help you to recover as a couple. If in deed this does not happen, then at some point you have to detach and let that bulb screw itself, because you will loose you in the process.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and hope that he is truly willing to seek help and that the two of you can make this work for the better. Life is to short to live an unhappy existence...do the things you can to change the unhappy...accept the things you cannot change...and try to know the difference between the two.

Peace and love,
Crys

[sosad]

I thought his admitting to his addiction and admitting he needs help was a huge step, but he is not willing to. I asked him last night when he was going to call the therapist I recommended and he told me he doesn't have time. He does have a lot of work and he works a lot on weekends, but he appears to think that a therapy session would devastate his working day. I told him he manages to go to his dentist and get his hair cut, it's 1 hour a week, it's not major surgery. So I guess the thread of hope I am hanging on to is pretty thin and I am going to have to face up to the consequences. I have to admit that I have been living in denial for too long and it is not doing me as a person any good. Having this forum here to turn to is a truly wonderful.

[CaveInimicum]

Dear SoSad,

First of all let me give you a warm hug...

Hearing your story makes me sad too...

But hold on, you are strong.

I always believe whoever we are, how difficult our circumstance is, we always have choices.

Life is a box of choices, which key is in your hand.

I heard someone said this a long time ago, and lately I realised that this is super true! :

"If one doesn't care, one doesn't do."

Only you yourself know whether your relationship does you more good than harm.. or otherwise.

It takes two parties involved to make the relationship work.

You yourself said that your drinking problem rooted in the problem with your relationship.

I believe relationship is there to make us happier, to grow wiser, not to hurt or throw us into depression....


I hope you would consider answering these questions, because you're the only one who knows the answers.... :

Do you stay in this relationship for love?
But does he love you?
If he loves you surely he would make sure, or at least try, not to hurt you anymore, wouldn't he?

Do you stay in this relationship out of pity?
But don't you pity yourself too?
Compassion to others should not mean torture for ourselves!


I know it is easier to talk than to actually do it,
but I hope you're aware than I'm not only talking...

...because I've been there...

[sosad]

Dear CaveInimicum,
Thank you for your warm words.
The good news is that my husband has been abstinent for almost 2 months, with one recnt relapse. The really good new is that he finally made an appointment with a therapist I recommended. His first session is this Saturday.
I just discovered this morning that he recently tried to visit one of his sites, but the software I installed blocked it. So I am somewhat deflated, on the other hand it looks like the software worked and stopped him.
But getting help to get to the root of his problem was the condition to stay and fight for a healthy relationship.
I am in this relationship for love and not out of pity, so I am now hopeful and not so sad as I was. Now I am willing to work this out together with him.

[Little lock]

Yay! So sad is not so sad anymore! Hurrah for sosad.:) Your hubby is really doing well in my books. Two months clean with an attempt blocked by filtering software is an awesome accomplishment. Even better, he is going to see a therapist, no? And you love him, and you know that your love stems from true feelings and not pity.

So when are you going to change your name to sohappy?(winks)