Full Body Burn- Brulant's Journey

[brulant]

*****(Note made on Wed. Aug. 6th--> I am cutting down most of my original postings on here. I don't need all of those details that I needed to recount at the time.... neither do any of you, but that's not as important. Right now I need to focus on certain things that I believe my gut was picking up on that I need to pay more attention to for my own mental health and to combat the inevitable fickleness of memory in regards to painful memories)******

Instead of beginning where it all began for me, because that would be going back a number of years ago with someone who hasn't been in my life for a couple of years, I am going to begin with where I am today.

<snip>

I had finally started dating someone new, but his p collection triggers too many trauma responses in me relating to my previous relationship with a PA/SA addict.

<snip>

I felt trapped and like I was only allowed one aspect of his life. In other words I felt like he was telling me he wasn't to be trusted, and, well, if I can't trust him then I can't be in a relationship with him. He had been telling me things constantly that he wasn't to be trusted and if I found out it was my problem.... not the fact that "trust" was the real issue.

<snip>
*****I described the "knowing in my gut", looking to confirm and find out the truth (pattern which PAs describe as snooping) aka validation, and knowing that my boundary had been violated aka acknowledging.******

Not wanting another argument and having him defensively lashing out at me instead of acknowledging and being able to talk with me openly, I left with my bag. I left the dvd playing so he'd know what was going on with me and that I knew. I wasn't going to pretend like I didn't know because I'm not a liar, but I also knew I would not be able to look at him rationally, yet. I didn't want to explode and I definitely wasn't willing to implode. I didn't know who I could call who would come and pick me up late on a Friday night that was a 45 minute drive from where I lived. I wracked my brain, but knew I'd have get a ride home from him.

I can't handle the drama that all of this is going to cause and its still early enough in the relationship that I don't feel like its worth all the work. I'd rather find someone who's right for me and I'd rather be alone and happy, even if lonely, than go through all of this crap that's entailed.

No offense to anyone who's working through things because this was a new relationship and there wasn't enough history to even try and he already knows that this issue triggers enormous things for me. I'm sure that will come up more later.

He had supposedly spent some time cleaning things up "for my sake", but he would say things like he was hiding it away so I wouldn't get triggered and not that he was going to stop. Well, actually over a month ago he had said he would get rid of it all and that he could "give or take it", but he never has and when asked about it up roars Mr. Defensive blaming me. All the red flags are waving high that this is going to be an ongoing and ever present thing. I have absolutely no reason to trust him about this kind of stuff yet and since its still the beginning, well, I don't have to explain all of that. There are tons of stories on here about these dynamics.

I've already been through all of that: the lying and deceit with endlessly covering up denying and pretending; the anger and lashing out at me when I discover the issue is still there; the inability to hear how it affects me and all the endless arguments about how its natural and I should accept it, and the . Then the endless blaming me and all the reasons I shouldn't have found it without admitting that if he was trustworthy then this wouldn't have been an issue to begin with, right!?

I do want to know because I have the right to know what I'm getting myself into. I have the right to not have p in my life and if its just hidden I'm bound to feel it and find it anyway.

I want to know because I don't want to live with the SO side effects again.

I want to know because of my own personal boundaries.

I don't want to have half of a relationship and that's what secrets surrounding p entail.

I don't want to walk around questioning, doubting, wondering, feeling insecure, and not being allowed to get angry that I've been betrayed and lied to. Anger is part of the healing process and I deserve to heal.

If what I have to do to heal is just a trigger for him to "act out" then I'm not going down that road. It is unacceptable to me to revolve my life completely around someone else. I don't want to be in a relationship where that is expected of me.

Back to the story because I need to tell it straight out.
<snip>
****again I am cutting many of the details/nitty gritty*****

I calmly left to wait it out until enough time had passed that I could ask him calmly for a ride home.... hoping that he would have had enough time to calm down and hopefully think about why I would want to leave. I knew that I needed to end it with him because I can't handle lies especially in matters relating to sex. Even before being with a PA/SA I wouldn't tolerate a relationship with someone who couldn't be open and honest about sexuality.... that's uncool. period. My personal boundary for a very good reason, or set of reasons. I am not interested in what that means for the future.

He came home and saw what was playing. He looked for me and of course couldn't find me. I knew he would immediately get angry at me for finding it so I didn't come out.... not yet.

<snip>

Of course he's going to call a friend who sides with him and tells him what he wants to hear and not a friend who might be able to see things through what I might be going through. Its why I'm on here, right? Of course I'm also on here because I believe people on here can see things from multiple perspectives. I want people to call me on my b.s. so I will talk about the things that I did that I feel were incorrect reactions.

He's not me, though.

A while later he came home. He looked for me again. I couldn't face the coming rage yet.

****(this last is important for me to note in hindsight-- I believe that it is my gut telling me something important that I'm having a hard time remembering right now)****

A while later I got the nerve and emotional stamina to handle his lashing out to go ask for that ride home. He was in his bedroom watching a movie. I calmly stated that I needed a ride home.

<snip>

That hiding a fact to then be able to deny it and make the other person feel like they are crazy; its called "gaslighting" after the movie. brilliant old movie(s) if you want a good one. There are two versions.

Okay so he gives me a ride home. We both agree that that was the last straw, but then he does his pattern of lashing out and he's MEAN every time we argue.

He goes for the emotional/vulnerable jugular.

I'm not good with dealing with that kind of anger/lashing out and its not something that I want to have to deal with especially because this topic triggers so many emotional responses having to do with that first PA and all the trauma reactions that p causes.

I can't help that that is now a part of me and what I have to accept. To have those used against me is plain and simply wrong. If these keep getting used against me then how can I ever heal?

Talk about pouring salt on an open wound!!!!!

[brulant]

continued from previous journal entry:

Part 2

He needed me to be the bad guy, of course. BUT he crosses lines with his lashing out when caught. That was what I was expecting and that is why I know this all isn't worth it. He had told me that that was one of his patterns in previous relationships so I've been at least forewarned and forearmed, but he wasn't kidding. I'm really not kidding when I say he goes for the things that will hurt me the most.

I don't want to be involved with someone who deals with feeling hurt by hurting back in extreme ways.

His anger and lashing out because more extreme. I had sat in the back seat because I was expecting this from him. Its a bad sign when you expect this and it was one of the things that I immediately knew when I found the dvd and what my automatic inclinations were with how I knew he was going to react. This wasn't something that I can accept in a relationship. He lashed out and I reacted.... I said things too, but it was all directed to the lies he had been telling me. We were not in rational mode at all.

It was horrible, but the upper cuts to the emotional jugular I received were beyond horrible.

Its not fair to anyone to have to change behaviors because their partner is going to react with aggressive (verbal or physical) tendencies. I want no part of that kind of relationship.

His reactions were nasty. He needed me to also be the bad guy in the equation. He needed to think I was a liar... which I'm not. He needed to project **ALL** of his guilt, shame, anger, fear, sadness, etc. onto me. I will not take that.

Then had the audacity to say that "he couldn't trust ME because everything I had told him about my ex (the PA/SA who was abusive and it took months of the legal system to get him out of my life) was suspect and I was lieing. WTF!!!!!!!!!? He *really* needed me to be a liar.... I guess it was so that he felt justified in his own web of lies and deceit. ugh.

As if the mental images of him with mouth slightly agape, glazed eyes jerking off to p weren't enough!!!!

That was the absolute last straw.

I can understand the pattern that guilt and shame trigger anger. I understand this and the ignorance that many have surrounding this, but I will NOT tolerate emotional boundaries being crossed like that. He knows the weak spots. Those weak spots are the root of the vulnerability needed for intimacy, but there can be no intimacy when vulnerabilities are violated like that.

There was dead silence in the car after that for the rest of the ride home.

I did see him glance at me kind of sadly a few times over the next 20 minutes, but it was too late to take back any of what had happened.

When we arrived in front of my house and I reached in to grab my bag I said something I'm not sure I should have, but I truly felt it.

I said "I hope you enjoy all your women. They are beautiful. I hope they treat you very well."

I walked into my home and came onto this site for support, validity and comfort.


Today, of course, I want to call him and see how he's doing. I want to connect with him as a human being. I don't want things to end on such a nasty note. Part of me wants to give him a chance, but the other part of me thinks its a really bad idea.

I just want no part of p and all that entails as a SO as part of my life.

I think he will be far happier finding a partner who accepts his p. I know he doesn't understand yet how ingrained it is in his life because he's been denying it endlessly despite mountains of evidence to the contrary.... all the evidence that triggered my trauma responses.

He doesn't remember the comment he made after several times offering to have my hair cut and then that I should die my hair red "because no one fantasizes about brown hair.... blonde, red, black, yes, but not brown".

I caught the significance in that statement and I'm sure many of you do, too.

He doesn't think he has a problem.
I do. The lies and covering up tell me so.

We won't work.

I miss my friend, though. That's the problem. Normally I would call him and talk to him about what I was thinking about. I have to talk it through somewhere else, though.

I guess that would be the Amygdala response, me wanting to call him back, that I spoke about earlier. I'm not too sure about how links to the thread work yet, but I'll attempt it.

The Amygdala... often confused with the heart, IMHO

Anyway.... I packed up his clothes and movies today. I'm sure there are still odds and ends that I need to find. I don't think I can handle seeing him yet. What was said in that car ride home was too nasty and I don't see him acknowledging or apologizing for his lashing out. I've already been in a relationship where I've done all the apologizing and I won't go there again. He's already demonstrated his masculine cultural conditioning that he can't be wrong (or a liar) and he's already told me multiple times that he believes this is all "my issues" because of my previous relationship.

He can't comprehend or hear that these are things I would not have tolerated in a relationship before the "bad ex", but I wasn't aware of the defensiveness and the reactions of a bad relationship yet.

I have been in a healthy relationship before. That guy wanted to marry and have kids, though, and I didn't. That's one of those irreconcilable issues, like p, where denying that creates HUGE issues in the long run.

Okay, well, enough of chapter one.
I'm glad that I wrote all of this down. Maybe someday I will get to explain and go through the closure process.

I don't know if he's the type of guy who's always going to need to see me as the bad guy so I know it may never happen if that is the case. That is how guys are socially conditioned. Right now I know that is where he's at. Its been his pattern previously.

I know he is capable of admitting some failures and faults, but I fundamentally know it hurts him terribly to lose me.

We'll see what happens.

I still have some trauma responses to deal with and p triggers so I know I will be back to journal.

Its kind of sad that its far easier for us to open up to strangers, isn't it?

brulant

[AirKeep]

Brulant, um, well, wow. I bet that felt at least somewhat good and healthy to get that out.

After all that, I don' think I have much to say or offer besides I'm happy to see that you stuck to what you know, you seem to be very honest taking in both sides. You recognize it was emotional and probably said and did some things that could have been 'better', you recognize he is probably hurt and scared and because of that says and does things that aren't rational either, you recognize a pattern and a boundary, and you are honest with what you feel.

I think it's noble to go through the thoughts of should I call him, should I give him a chance, but you already put it, that you know where this could lead and as of yet it seems like nothing has changed on his end. Maybe one day, and maybe things would be ok, but doesn't seem like today is that day.

I'm sure the loss is hurtful for him, the memories and feelings are hurtful for you as well. Maybe some of this will be a trigger for him to eventually make changes, maybe it's another chance for you to learn more about you, as painful as that is for both of you. Maybe in another relationship, based on your past ones, you'll more easily see what a 'real' relationship can and will be like without the lies, deciet, wondering etc. Having experienced the what you don't want and won't put up with side, the relationship that is healthy, will be wonderful.

I don't think you're in the wrong, to end something that has red flags written all over it. Again, I think it's great that if there was some history, even with your past experiences, you'd consider how this can move on. Maybe there's still some more work with you as well, as to what got you into another relationship, with some of the same things going on, ? From all your other posts though, I think you've come a long way already.

If you talk to him, I hope those talks go well. Thanks for sharing, and on another point, I think that was cool to go with I'm starting with now, the past happened, and I'm going to deal with what is going on today. That's all we've got right?

[brulant]

Brulant, um, well, wow. I bet that felt at least somewhat good and healthy to get that out.

<grin> great way of talking about the length, eh!? lol
I do appreciate your response. I also just spent some time editing out some of the extraneous details since I no longer need them like I did then. Right now I've got other questions to ponder and reflect on and the editing was part of that.

I'm re-looking at what I need to see and know while looking within to see if I am rationally or irrationally approaching the issue.

maybe it's another chance for you to learn more about you, as painful as that is for both of you. Maybe in another relationship, based on your past ones, you'll more easily see what a 'real' relationship can and will be like without the lies, deciet, wondering etc. Having experienced the what you don't want and won't put up with side, the relationship that is healthy, will be wonderful.

I'm a big fan of the "personal reflection and journey" stuff. ; ) So I will always attempt to examine my own motivations as I can. I'm also a big fan of looking for fallacies within my own thinking. Doesn't mean I'm perfect at it and I'm still prone to delusion and mistakes, but I'm above all not a fan of being a hypocrite.

I have been in good relationships before as I attempted to describe above. We were just on different life paths, though, and without sacrificing what I wanted to do with my life they weren't meant to be. I'm still friends with them, too. That's why I also know that this one is not good for me, not just because we are on different paths, but there are too many unhealthy red flags which would mean I would have to give up my conscience, ethics and self-identity. I can't compromise those. ; )

I do want a partner... that's why its so difficult to see how far spread this p issue is culturally. I'm more afraid that an equal partnership isn't possible, but I would rather hold out for the right one than be in one that isn't a good fit... especially if it means that being in a bad one would prevent that right one from occurring. The kind of person I want wouldn't take me away from another relationship. ; )

Maybe there's still some more work with you as well, as to what got you into another relationship, with some of the same things going on, ? From all your other posts though, I think you've come a long way already.

Thanks airkeep! I value that. I do know, though, that the difference between this relationship and the last one is that now I am aware of the patterns of what being involved with someone who lies about who they are. The pattern is definitely *not* the same. There is more of a connection that men often lie to women about p. I find that the saddest part; how much bigger of a social problem this is then people talk about. This guy was not a sociopath like that other guy turned out to be. I mean that literally, too. I still don't see things in generalities like that since each individual is different.

This may help explain.... it was my first post on TFF
New, no longer with old PA, discovered side effects, though

This new guy is nothing like the guy who made me aware of this issue, but now I am more aware of things that I never was aware of before. Even with that other person I had reportedly gotten out of it much faster than most partners who experienced the kind of person that "hunted" and used me. I only got away because the legal system helped me, but even that is "behind the times" and I'm not kidding. ; ) I wouldn't wish what I went through on any human being. It unfortunately happens far more frequently, though, then the world wants to admit or see is what I discovered.

This person I was just dating was far from that. Its just that I can't accept a p using partner.

If you talk to him, I hope those talks go well. Thanks for sharing, and on another point, I think that was cool to go with I'm starting with now, the past happened, and I'm going to deal with what is going on today. That's all we've got right?

Thanks so much again, Airkeep

I will post in another entry about the update stuff as I continue my journey in my journal. I have a lot more to delve into and think about.

[brulant]

I'm tired. really. tired.
Kind of depressed, actually.
I was brimming with optimism just a couple of hours ago.... and hope.... lots of hope!!

Then I came face to face with the brick wall of PA and how to have a conversation with one whom I've come to realize never saw me as a[n equal] human being.

I'm thinking about how rampant this stuff is societally and wondering if it ever will be possible to find a guy who isn't into p who also isn't a right wing nutcase on the other end of the spectrum. I mean I know not all men or women are alike and all, but seriously!!! Of course this doesn't mean I'm going to jump into something or go backwards just because I'm afraid I won't be able to find someone who isn't into this stuff. I'm not that kind of gal. I'm really afraid of repeating finding someone and finding out that they've just been lying to get in my pants, or lying to keep me. I can't handle the dishonesty and all of those dynamics.

I can't handle the triggers!

Yeah.

I can't handle the triggers.

I'm different than I was and I can never go back. I also don't want to go through the pains involved with going through these dynamics again.

I want truth. I want honesty. I want equality.
I especially want these three when it comes to sexual matters.
I do NOT want the double standard!!!
Mistakes happen, but I refuse to be the only one who can own up to making them.

It shouldn't be this hard

I shouldn't feel this hopeless.

Well, maybe just turning in early for the night will help me sort this stuff out a bit. I admit it. I am nervous about that conversation that I still need to have face2face with this last guy.

I tried 5 times to update this journal entry,btw, but my lap top kept unplugging and I lost those attempts. I just figured it wasn't meant to be! lol

Anyway.... I wish I had something to add to balance out what I'm going through emotionally right now. I think I'm way too wrapped up in being afraid of "the talk" and I frankly don't feel like I even owe him that. That's a part of me which just wants to even out the equation, though, and not the part of me that values my honesty and integrity. The latter part always seems to win out.

Okay.... in all honesty I'm still afraid of his lashing out instead of his being able to take responsibility for his part in the equation. I did send him a link on partners needing to be each 100% responsible for their part of a relationship.

I don't owe him this, but I do owe it to myself.
I have my dignity, self-esteem and self-respect as a human being to think about and it doesn't want to take on the shame and blame that I know is not mine to bear.

well.... I think I am going to turn in for the night.
this fear is exhausting!!!!
lol

brulant
(yeah.... its not *really* funny)

[brulant]

Jacinda's journal entry triggered a recent memory and current debate that is going on with me, currently. EmergingAngel responded with something that was more along my lines of thinking. I haven't quite figured out how to link to that and I'm afraid of not getting this journal entry posted like so many I've tried so I'm just going to jump into without linking. My apologies if necessary.

Months ago he had stated that he would give all of his p movies away, which he has hundreds and hundreds of, if I quit smoking. At the time I just knew it was a bad idea to link the two together mentally knowing several different and all equally pretty valid reasons this was a bad idea; his addiction and mine triggering each other didn't seem like it would really help me quit. I was totally right, of course! lol He didn't think he was addicted and truly probably believed what he was saying at that moment in time.

Some days or weeks later I realized that giving them away was actually a disturbing concept to me. I can't stomach the thought of contributing to this growing problem for SOs and PAs (or soon to be) alike. His collection has some pretty extreme stuff in it from the little I saw that is incredibly misogynistic, racist and highly sexualized violence against women.... not to mention the subtle messages that are sent by them having unprotected sex and knowing all the different variables that means for not only the industry workers, but on the growing std and AIDs problems that are happening. I just read an article from Johns Hopkins School of Public Health of a study that the AIDS/HIV rate has been growing far faster than previous research and studies had been stating at an escalating rate of new infections these last number of years. The rate had been set at 40,000 new infections a year steadily throughout the 90's in the U.S. and apparently is going up every year. In 2006 it was up to 56,000 a year and has been growing at about a 40% per year increase unlike what had previously been happening.

I also know that the fastest growing demographic is women who are getting it from their partners thinking that they were in monogamous relationships.

I have always been a feminist woman; feminist meaning equality for both genders and all races and not matriarchy over patriarchy. I was also a pro-sex, pro-porn feminist as are many women my age and younger. I still am, but I will always advocate for healthy sexuality and the equality is always a fundamental with my definition. The problem with p is that its not about equality, human rights and dignity, and definitely not about healthy sexuality. When I found my partners collection I was looking for healthy and what I found was incredibly disturbing.... even in the milder stuff. To clarify I was never into it myself and now recognize that I was pro-p only in an intellectual kind of way without being able to see it fully. Basically I never *really* looked at it. Now I know facts and statistics as well as personal experience as to how it is a incredibly powerful and destructive force and not as an empowering thing (for women) that I had once believed. After hearing the massive amounts of "anecdotal stories" as they are often demeaned and discredited by their labeling-- stories like all of ours as partners and SOs I know better. I now know more fully the truth about the industry than I could only learn intellectually then because I have had my eyes opened to see more of the full truth.

I can't stomach the thought of helping contribute to the growing PA problems and tying that into smoking makes me just want to keep smoking.

I don't want to contribute to the problem.

My partner, though, can't hear my reasoning and why I didn't bring that up then. Of course I'd never had the time to think it through at the time. He started using it against me that I didn't want him to give it away and not being able to hear *why*, but he doesn't see the inherent problems in p the way I do.

The major part of why I never wanted to take him up on the offer, though, had mostly to do with the fact that I know that no one can change for anyone else. People have to change because they believe it themselves and want to. I can't quit smoking for him and I want to quit smoking for me. If his p triggers me then I will want to smoke, but tying the issues together will create another rational for my nicotine fiend and I already have enough to handle with that little inner addict!! I also know that my smoking if I were to relapse would be a rational for him to want to use and that wouldn't exist as much if the two weren't tied together.

I want to quit smoking.
The second issue is that I don't want to contribute to the PA problems.

brulant

[brulant]

After writing that journal entry I realized that there is another factor in this equation with what to do with p, but this is not one that is mine to really get into. I do want to state it, though.

I have known guys in the past who store their p with other guys when in a relationship. This means they can get it back or borrow it. Years ago when with that active PA/SA I had found out that addicts will find ways to create a safety net for themselves and if someone is truly going to give up then they need to eliminate those ways that they are lying to themselves (and us). If he gives it away then when we're fighting I know he can get it back. Silly thinking because he can just go on-line and or go buy more.... well this guy is more into burning it from movies so he just steals it. Its actually one of my issues about it.

The theft fact means that he's just like a john who refuses to pay a prostitute! Ugh!! Just another way to exploit and use in an entitled kind of way!!!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Its amazing how sexism is so all-pervasive in such insidious ways.

Pay scale issues in terms also extend into the sex industry. Too bad the mythology is that the girls make tons of money and have an easy life. The reality of this stuff is so far from Pretty Woman and all the other fantasized media depictions are so off course.

I'm so tired of the "I don't want to know" kinds of reactions.
I feel so bad for young women and little girls!!

Protected from the same reality that's going to get them hurt and is then going to blame them for being there.

So sad.

[Jacinda24]

Brulant I just want to say Thank you for the last two posts of your journal. It sure gave me something to think about, and I really do admire the way you express yourself. Thanks again. : ) Jacinda

[brulant]

The challenge to face censorship and self-censorship


So as I approach and delve further into redefinition and further clarity I found that I was brought back to something that has been one of my foundations.

Lately I have been up against something, or rather someone, and their assumptions which have constantly predefined me and my words so that it becomes incapable for me to speak let alone be heard. Well, I am heard in some aspects, but they assume me to be based off of something which I am not, nor have I ever been. Its kind of funny how that works, isn't it? Actually it can be pretty annoying. I am constantly challenged to clarify and attempt to explain, but since they aren't really listening because their assumptions get in the way its all kind of pointless.

This is a post about censorship. This is also a post about how assumptions become a form of censorship and self-censorship when peoples are incapable of re-examining or hearing something that doesn't match self. I find that sexual assault and victims of gender based crimes are often held victim by these cultural assumptions and mythologies.

I had found a book in my personal library several days ago called "Harmful to Minors The Perils of Protecting Children from Sex" and while I was flipping through and reading it over with my morning coffee today I was reminded by a chapter title of one of my favorite books from days of yore. I started flipping through it wondering how much my experiences had changed how I would view the book. What I found, though, was that because I have had those foundations of thinking that these assumptions, which are not unique to just this friend, but to many other peoples as well, I have to file these things under "cultural mythologies" categories in my world view.

The book from days of yore is "Sex and Sensibility: Reflections on Forbidden Mirrors and the Will to Censor" by Marcia Pally.

I have had a habit of dating and signing my books in my library and inside the cover I see that I first read it December 13, 1994 which means that I was still in Chicago.

I can honestly say that while I have definitely learned much from my experiences that my foundational beliefs have not changed in that I still do not believe in censorship. I have been saying that all along. What I find most often is that others want *me* to censor or be censored. I am still a pro-sexuality feminist/humanist and I am still against racism, classism, agism, misogyny, and prejudices against humanity and human rights.

It is not p and sexuality that I have a problem with. What I have a problem with is that there is a battle going on between the culture of self and selfishness vs. the right wing. While this battle rages the thing that is being censored is humanity and I see that the cycle is just creating more victims in its wake. As faith battles with science assumptions and selfish are dictating truth and many real truths are being suppressed and silenced.

There is something inherently wrong with this picture.

People aren't being encouraged to step back and take in humanity as a factor in the equation and assumptions, half-truths, and the machinations from people with things to hide are dictating our reality!!

There is something *really* wrong with this picture.

How can we step back and reclaim humanity?

How can we teach young girls and women that what is wrong with the picture is that *they* don't matter in the picture? They never really have because almost *all* of it is about men mbing without having to deal with another partner. That's one of the main factors in why they do it, of course adding in (self) pleasure, no consequences, the excitement and high, and all the myriad, countless other reasons, rationals, and excuses.

Abstinence and censorship are not the way. Blaming the victim and not seeing the crime is an atrocity because it only serves to hurt and re-traumatize; it prevents healing and keeps a victim caught in a victim cycle of old wounds re-opening which could other-wise heal.

If one ever decides to examine the cycles of abuse one learns that verbal abuse is:
Blaming and Shaming
Denying and Gaslighting
Bullying and Name-calling
Minimizing and Trivializing
(there are a few more)

Often when the topic is one of high controversy, such as gender, feelings, race, prejudice, religion vs. spirituality vs. science (the list goes on and on) we can often find that debates often turn and incorporate all of the signs of verbal abuse. The "abuser", so to speak, will always be the one who is *not* open to hearing and therefore always believes that the person who is open and attempting to state their side or differing opinion/truth is the one with the problem.... or the abuser. "Abusers" always see the victims in these situations so things can appear quite confusing until one can step back and see the "humanity" or the pattern that's happening.

Until both parties are open there is no way to continue the discussion (or relationship).

I myself am still attempting to figure out how to maintain truth and dignity despite running into assumptions. Its odd to me that the assumptions people hold turn me into some kind of bad guy or monster who is filled with anger, rage, depression, life-time victim, etc. All of these, though, are from people whose assumptions are minimizing, trivializing, blaming, name-calling, bullying, etc., etc. They never seem to be able to step back and see the hope, optimism, nor even the smile on my face even if they are standing next to me. Its difficult when people assume me to be filled with as much anger and so much inability to be rational. That's the key. They expect me and even *want* me to be irrational. Problem is is that I'm a pretty rational and happy person.
; )

Ahhhhhh the ironies of life.
; )

SO! How can one talk about the damages of censorship when what's being censored is the damage that happens when people are wrapped up in self? Those wrapped up in self demand that others be wrapped up in their "self" too! They want and need us to have their opinions, allow them to do whatever they want, and they sure as hell don't want to hear that it hurts others!! If they have to comprehend that it hurts others than they couldn't revolve around self and they couldn't do what they want without consequences. Shit. They couldn't do what they want and the world would not revolve around them. So they lash out and claim you're trying to control them because they are unable to comprehend that they want to control you. They work to make you feel guilty and ashamed, they twist and contort you're words and then they spread rumors to protect their "self".

Such beautiful souls.

Why are there so many people out there who can't comprehend that they demand the world revolve around them?

How can this be resolved?

I know that my conscience can't join them and debate isn't possible. They sure don't want to hear my feelings; unless my feelings include having no conscience, that is, or reflecting back what the other person so desperately wants me to be/hear/say/do/want/expect. Yeah. Basically they don't want me to be a real person. They want me to be just like their p, in this case.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Its true. I do re-evaluate. Its just that the equation always comes out with the same conclusion.

I have a conscience and I have awareness.

These are things I value in humans and this makes me proud to be me with an honest dignity and self-respect.

[brulant]

I'm a visual artist and I have been wanting to do a series of work about p and the other sides to it that the world, especially the art world, doesn't deal with.

See, one of the triggers that brought me to find this forum is that in my city we recently had an art festival and a place did a show that was all erotic art. I had recently been triggered by my partners p, re-awakenings of previous trauma triggers from the monster PA/SA from the past, the sexual assualts, and all of these things were bombarding me all at once. I wrote in my first post on TFF that I had been triggered first by my partners collection and denial, but there were triggers all around me. Well this is part of it.

I refused to pay to go see the erotic art show, but from what little I saw from the outside and from all the curatorial and promotional materials it was all p and a lot of stuff was pretty hardcore. I'm also familiar with the performance artist who they got to be the highlight. I had seen her about 15 years ago and she's doing the same stuff, I found pretty sad, actually. There's a lot of ways that the world seduces young girls into thinking this stuff is tame and harmless so they wind up getting hurt. Sure it hurst young boys too, but not in the same ways or degrees that girls get hurt. Often the two are intertwined. So much ignorance revolves around p.

I won't go into too many details on here. During the same festival I had gone to a screening for a film that I had been wanting to see which was a parody and spoof of 70's sexploitation and blaxploitation movies starring RuPaul (the transvestite). That film was awesome because it was poking fun at all of the stereotypes and cultural myths and it was pretty benign since it was with transvestites so it wasn't about titillizing and all about p and sexual objects and it could face homophobia as well as objectification issues with humor. But it wasn't out to hurt and offend as its point as what's coming up.

What I didn't know was that they were screening some footage from another movie that was highly sxually charged violence against women and it was being perpetrated by a black "devil" pimp character doll. It was literally about shock value and p. It was out to offend everyone and offend it did, but it was vicious attacks with no merit to it at all. What I found most disturbing is that if I were to say how it affected me they would have used that as a way to publicize it!!!

My partner and another of his friends were with me. The friend turned to my partner laughing hysterically after watching the footage and my partner responded to him by laughing. They slapped hands as the friend said "I want to see that" and my partner said "yeah". My partner to this day denies what I saw them do and that he wants to see it... I know he's lying, but he brings it up as a "why he can't trust me" at every fight when I've caught him lying to me. Its frustrating.

It totally triggered trauma responses in me.... and it was meant to, too. That was the most disturbing thing. It specifically mentions that its out to cross boundaries with rape, torture, race, etc., etc. It was horribly mysoginistic, racist and down-right disturbing to anyone with a conscience let alone an activist/artist like myself.

The fact that everyone would attack me for having problems with it was DEPRESSING!!!

I can't talk about the issues surrounding this stuff with fellow artists because they can only hear their assumptions. I'm left dealing with the trauma responses on my own with no validation for my feelings about p except on here.

These issues need to open up to the public!
More women need to know that they are not wrong for feeling what they are from the p around them. There is nothing wrong with us and its not *only* our problem as we are constantly told.

There is a growing problem.
I want to be part of the solution and not a part of the problem.
I *don't* want to hear that *I* am the problem when I know full well that I didn't cause it, I didn't ask for it and I sure as hell didn't want it.
;

Its not *my* problem.
Its *our* problem.
(our being in the bigger human picture not just on this forum)