Hope Phul Journal as a wife of a PA

[hope phul]

I joined this site yesterday and posted an introduction and it was recommended that I start a journal...so here it goes.

I have been married for 8 years. My husband and I had the "fairytale" relationship before and after marriage. Or so I thought. 74 days ago I found out that he has been a PA since he was 8. He was so scared of losing me that he tried to fight the porn on his own. That didn't work. He said that he hated doing it but kept being nagged and drawn to it. He says that he loves me and has never loved it.

He has been completely P and MB free since May 13,2008. I am very proud of him. On the other hand, I still have so many feelings of hurt and betrayal. I have so many questions of where I fit in the last 12 years. I thought my life was one way and now I find out about this huge secret that was a big part of my life. I want to be supportive and loving yet I am hurt so bad!

Anyway if you want to read my list of "feelings" you can visit my previous post here

Thanks for reading!

[Searching4peace]

I'm sorry it's taken me a while to respond to your journal...like our messages have been talking about...We all feel your pain. We've either been where you are, or are where you are at some point in this journey. I usually manage to pull something out that's helpful but find myself at a loss for words. I think I'm typed out. You are on my mind and as I work through my own thoughts of the day I'm sure I'll formulate exactly what I want to say to you, in hopes of helping you out. I have added some info onto my journal Searching4peace's Journal as a wife of a PA that you might find useful...it goes hand in had with what we've been talking about in messages. The best of luck, and we're here for you.

peace and love
crys

[Abbie]

I think it's great that you've started a journal, you can keep all your posts, feeling etc in one place which helps me to put them in oeder and see if anything has changed.

We're all here >:D<

[Searching4peace]

Hope phul,

How have you been doing? Are things progressing with your recovery and that of your husbands? Have you had any luck with the programs you were looking into? We've been thinking about ya, just wanna let you know we haven't forgotten you.

Peace and love,
crys

[hope phul]

Thanks for asking S4P. Things are going well. My husband is at day 85 completely free from P & MB. One of his big triggers was when I left the house for a significant amount of time. I have had 2 Girl's Night Outs in the last 2 weeks and he has done great. He has a business trip coming up which I am majorly dreading since this was the most difficult time for him. However he is thinking ahead and has a plan of action while away. I am choosing to trust him though. It is tough at times because all I have is his word that nothing has happened. I do probe a little and surprisingly, he thanked for probing the other night.

My period is coming and I have noticed that the day or two before, I get hit with these intense feelings over thoughts of the past. Dealing with this seems to be hardest during those 2 days. Crazy thing is that I didn't normally get PMS before all of this but I certainly do now. For me other triggers are times when he used to act out (Mom's Nights Out and Business Trips). Even though he has been successful up to this point, I still fear these times and sometimes it sends my emotions soaring.

I am reading a book called The Excellent Wife and also reading Out of the Shadows. I am getting ready to read a book about security entitled Secure in Heart . I am trying to focus on my own recovery and work on being a great wife to my husband.

Anyway there's my update:)

Enjoy the beautiful sunshine!
C:)

[Abbie]

My period is coming and I have noticed that the day or two before, I get hit with these intense feelings over thoughts of the past. Dealing with this seems to be hardest during those 2 days. Crazy thing is that I didn't normally get PMS before all of this but I certainly do now.

Hope_Phul you are spot on with reading my mind! I too have been giving this a lot of thought recently, and I too never noticed symptoms of PMS before finding my husband addiction several years ago. Now it seems to appear the period after he's fell off the wagon. Perhaps we do have PMS anyway, and the addiction gives it something to feed on?

I'm really glad you've found some good reading, keep it up! >:D<

[hope phul]

Just touching base to update you on how I am doing.

My husband and I went out to celebrate 100 days free from P & MB. I am so proud of him. He has done a great job fighting this battle!

It was a nice evening but not what I had hoped for. I dressed up and wore a lower cut shirt which I normally don't do. He didn't even seem to notice. How can someone be so drawn to P in the past, give it up and then not notice what is right in front of them. Needless to say this discouraged me. How can he resist my cleavage when in the past he couldn't resist strangers?

We went for a walk around our old college campus (where we first met). I found myself feeling saddened that when we were there he was involved with P & MB and I didn't know anything about it. I haven't really felt regret before all of this came to light. Now I regret meeting him, I regret not knowing all of this and being in a relationship for 12 years with this BIG secret. Don't get me wrong I love him now but I hate that this is part of my/our life. We talk about it, he says it was in the past but I can't seem to leave it there. Why not?

It seems my perspective on life has changed. I no longer see all of the bright and happy things but instead of what can be wrong with it. I don't see a happy couple holding hands but instead a couple who the male is lying to the female and viewing P in secret.

I want my innocent outlook on life back. I am not naive but I used to see better things about people and not the world through P colored glasses.

Anyway back to tonight, I don't understand why my husband can resist me who is right there willing and loving him even though he is not getting the "needs" met by MB & P?

He seems to be completely honest and nothing leads me to believe he is not being honest except for the fact that he has such little interest in me sexually. He holds my hands and loves spending time with me but doesn't much on a sexual level. He says it is because he is always so tired. Well I say (not out loud) that he wasn't too tired too search for P in the past so why is he too tired now with me? It is hard to not think there is something wrong with me. I thought that he would begin to really desire me once he was free from P. It is like we are best friends but more platonic than sexual. He claims that he is attracted to me and says I need to start focusing on the positive more. We do make love 2-3 times a week but I can wear provocative things around him and he will completely overlook it. I am screaming to be noticed by him and encouraged by him but instead usually feel more discouraged. I don't want to always just be the Mom in t-shirts but it doesn't seem to matter to him whether I am in "sweats" or am all dolled up.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings:)

Love,
C

[Toria]

Hey,

Congratulations on the 100 days although I'm sure it's well over that number now!

I'm sorry to hear that your self confidence is low. I felt the same way too after seeing the pictures of the women that he 'preferred' over me. I have made a promise to myself that I will not try to compete with them any more. Whether it is buying skimpy underwear or wearing a low cut top, I don't think the outcome will ever be what we want it to be.

They may be younger, slimmer and more attractive (although I don't see it) than us, but you are the person he wants to spend time with, it is your hand he wants to hold and it is them that he is giving up for you.

I hope in another 100 days, things have continued to improve.

I'd also like to thank you for all of the support you've offered me in my journal. I really, really appreciate your advice and opinions.

Toria x