My thoughts on P (might be a long post) -
06-28-2008, 09:07 PM
Hey guys,
I just wanted to share my thoughts on P and see what everyone thinks (agree, disagree, etc).
Before I joined this message board (which I'm starting to view as my salvation; i am very happy that I found this place) I always heard that porn objectifies women and that it creates unrealistic expectations of a relationship. I really did not ever put much weight into this theory until the last few days. Let me explain.
I have always been of the belief that P is not evil. I think the responsibility lies with the viewer, and I still think that to this day. However, I believe that I am certainly not able to view P and still be an emotionally healthy person. I think it is like an allergy, certain people respond differently, just like how some people can drink 3 beers and easily stop for the night and others cannot.
Back to the main point. I believe I joined this forum yesterday and I deleted all my P yesterday. All of it. There is a survey that this site offers, and I answered yes to a lot of questions, in fact most of them. I know believe that my obsession with P has caused me to view women as objects and caused me to emotionally detach and shut off any sort of intimacy.
I am about to be 22, never had a gf but looked at plenty of P in my lifetime. In fact, probably more varied than most people much older than me. I've seen it all (almost) and I really do not want to be 50 and alone still watching P.
I think I started to get really scared when i preferred watching P to actually talking to girls and socializing with girls.
I knew I had a real problem with P around my late teens and I just now decided to get help. I am trying to work through what my triggers are and why I look at P in the first place. Other events have helped me open my eyes to how I view women and possibly why I am not good at talking to women in general (I have unrealistic expectations of what intimacy really is).
I am truly grateful that this site exists, thank you!
Thanks for that post... a lot of what you say rings true with me.
I also think it's strange how some people can take it or leave and others (like me) just go overboard on p and can't stop. For me I think it is a coping mechanism of sorts, before the internet came along I used to be able judge my happiness by how big my stack of mags was.
One of my major reasons for quitting is that I have realised that in the past I've definitely preferred p to meeting real women. Thinking about it there have been many times when I've been out at night surrounded by gorgeous girls and thought "when I get home I'm gonna look at so much p". Mental. Just mental. I didn't used to be like that either, I pretty much always had girlfriends but at some point I seem to have lost interest and withdrawn into fantasy.
Good luck with your own struggle. I think that quitting the p will definately help you to be happier around girls; once you stop seeing them as objects then you can start getting to know them as people.
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing." George Bernard Shaw
I have always been of the belief that P is not evil. I think the responsibility lies with the viewer, and I still think that to this day. However, I believe that I am certainly not able to view P and still be an emotionally healthy person. I think it is like an allergy, certain people respond differently, just like how some people can drink 3 beers and easily stop for the night and others cannot.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bananaman
Thanks for that post... a lot of what you say rings true with me.
I also think it's strange how some people can take it or leave and others (like me) just go overboard on p and can't stop. For me I think it is a coping mechanism of sorts, before the internet came along I used to be able judge my happiness by how big my stack of mags was.
I've often thought about this too. I think some people have very addictive personalities while others can show great discipline. For example if theres chocolate around, I've very likely to eat the whole lot, and wouldn't be disciplined enough to save some for later. I am hoping my fight against P not only rids me of that evil, but also teaches me some discipline in general.
Scooter, that is so true, I love chocolate and especially love large cookies, I could eat one right now, but I can go into a store and walk past them on a shelf and say no easily. With P this never happened, if it was available and I was alone then I would be on and not coming off without a good reason. I guess many things happen in life that trigger other things, if only we could find the root cause of this, if there was one trigger that set us on this path.
Well, AJP, I am of the "porn generation" as well, and it makes me so happy to see that others my age realize how bad it is. There was a time in my life when I thought guys that didn't consume pornography did not exist. They were to me what porn stars are to the average porn addict: the ultimate fantasy. In any case, I realized that guys like that could exist (my boyfriend is working on becoming one), and I can say this; if guys think that a girls who allows porn into a relationship is the greatest gift to man, then girls think that a man who doesn't need porn and is satisfied with her is the greatest gift to woman. I just want to say that if you are indeed successful in taking porn out of your future relationships, I would consider you to have acquired a character trait almost universally desirable to women. Deep down, no woman wants you to model her sex life after something you viewed on the internet, not even the girls on the internet.
I am so glad you were able to understand how pornography hurts relationships. There was a time when I did not understand either, until it almost destroyed my own relationship (and me). It is not just that it creates "unrealistic expectations," but it also creates bad expectations. I will tell you this up front that for girls to transform into porn stars it is destructive to their body. Trust me, I am in college, I have done all that: starving myself to underweight BMI, frying my hair to a crisp every morning, dying hair with possibly carcinogenic chemicals, Tanfastic fake bakes, etc, etc. That kind of beauty is not only fake, but destructive to a woman's body. By nature, feminine beauty is self-destructive, and porn has asked that of us. Porn is not only unhealthy for men, but also for women, because they are being asked to destroy themselves at the whim of the pornographic industry... sickening, if you ask me
We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
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Jasmine thats really sad that so many woman feel that way. I remember a few years ago I used to be the same actually. I was dating a guy who wanted me to change the way I looked, and for a while I did to try and make him happy. After a while though I just realised it wasn't me, and it wasn't worth so much effort. I wish more woman were able to feel that way, and just be confident with the way they look naturally.
Jasmine thats really sad that so many woman feel that way. I remember a few years ago I used to be the same actually. I was dating a guy who wanted me to change the way I looked, and for a while I did to try and make him happy. After a while though I just realised it wasn't me, and it wasn't worth so much effort. I wish more woman were able to feel that way, and just be confident with the way they look naturally.
I just wanted to share a quick thing about why I wanted to try and quit watching P. I was at this seminar thing and I met this girl who I thought was just a beautiful PERSON. I didn't picture doing disgusting things to her like I've seen in some mega hardcore films. I really enjoyed being around her, talking to her, and I felt really bad that I objectified women. So I decided to stop doing that, and a big part of thing is stopping the P.
However I relapsed the other day. I was in a bad frame of mind and I could not break out of it, I was bound to relapse because I was in a danger zone. I'm really pissed about it, but I guess I'll just try again today.
However I relapsed the other day. I was in a bad frame of mind and I could not break out of it, I was bound to relapse because I was in a danger zone. I'm really pissed about it, but I guess I'll just try again today.
IntoTheFire - I hope your bad frame of mine is not confining you and you have been able to break out of it. I know that place well and it takes courage to forgive yourself and try again. For me that experience of being with someone for whom I would like to be the best man I can and then being back on my own, unable to make contact out of my own shell puts me in a very vulnerable place to P and MB and then of course I'm "not worthy" to be with that person anyway, so no wonder I can't make contact - great strategy huh!! Don't yet know how to do things differently, I'm just seeing the pattern a bit better right now...
On the topic of this thread, I think you've named stuff very well. I know for me P is just so powerful to my own desires that I just immediately lose my centre to it and willingly shut off all decision making functions inside myself. I do the same around food as well. So often I can hear my head saying "you don't need that chocolate" even whilst my hand is reaching for it and stuffing it in my mouth! I reckon for me this is 'just' the addictive pattern that I'm running. I'd like to know what's underneath it but right now I think I need to build some discipline inside in order get any space to make a decision about MB (or food)
That word initimacy is such a big one. For me, being close to a woman, kind of being inside the public defences, where I can let down my defences as well for once is magic. And then when it goes nowhere, and I'm thrown back on myself the loneliness comes back redoubled and it's back to P and MB and downward spirals.
Another day to try and do something different today.....
Hang on there. Don't give up hope. You might be in the middle of a horrible relapse, but if you let hope die, and think" ah f*** this" and let yourself get out of control, then you're going to have to walk a long road back to get to where you begin. Depression might be a bad state of mind to be in, but it will pass. The thing now is to take responsiblity for yourself and your choices. If you are the one who got yourself into P, then you got to be the one to get yourself out of it. We can help you, but ultimately, the choice lies with you.
I hope that did not sound to harsh. Believe me, I was in something similar once. It was a certain member who gave me a good kick in the right direction, and that helped alot. Please don't give up.
My thoughts on P (might be a long post) -
06-28-2008, 09:07 PM
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