Best of TTF - add to it!

[Disillusioned]

This post is from Isaac and his journal is called "First Post Here-66 year old." I liked this because he struggles with his urge to use and describes the internal war that is being waged. I am so grateful to Isaac, as he is a widower and trying to raise two teenagers. He is having lots of problems, health insurance, etc., things that could cause most of us to be feeling super frustrated, yet he is picking the higher road. He also is continuing to be p free even though his spouse can no longer be hurt by his using p. Thank you Isaac...

from Isaac...

"Day 7 (A week!)

A week of sobriety today! I'm filled with gratitude, and I'm so happy and thankful to have found this community!

Last night I had difficulty sleeping - too many things to accomplish before Christmas - and then another pile of paperwork that has to be dealt with before the end of the year. And a little creepy thought came to me . . . "I could just get up and . . . " It was scary for me. I wanted to bad-mouth myself and in particular that part of me from where the thought originated. But I've committed myself to exploring something the late James Hillman suggested, when he was talking about the human shadow - those aspects of our psyche of which we are ashamed, and try to hide from our own consciousness, as well as from everyone around us.

Hillman said that we typically make one of two possible serious mistakes in dealing with the shadow parts of ourselves. We can deny that such parts exist within us, and try to deceive ourselves as well as others about this. And the consequence of "stuffing" these parts into the basement of our psyches, is of course that we give the shadow incredible power by trying to deny its existence. Or, on the other end of the continuum, we "identify" with the part - believing it is the whole or core of "me," and consequently surrender our judgement and power to this part. In between these two extremes, comes Hillman's suggestion - that we acknowledge "having" parts, and that we seek to embrace them. In embracing them, we both acknowledge the part, and also separate our core self from the shadow part(s).

Instead of waging war against a part of myself that carries so much shame, Hillman suggests these are the very parts of ourselves which we need to embrace. Not that we embrace the behaviors or the ideas of the part, but that we embrace the part or aspect of ourselves which is causing so much conflict and trouble, and acknowledge him/her, as well as his/her pain. He suggests that we seek to have a relationship with this part, communicate rather than ignore, and in the embrace of relationship, we are also clearly asserting our authority over the part. In the past, when there was no grownup in this internal family, the part did have to find a way to survive. But now . . . there is a grownup here!

At any rate, I lay in bed in my sleeplessness, put my arms around myself, and "talked" to the part who had the idea of relapsing. I was careful not to imply in any way that I thought the idea of acting out was worthy of consideration, and in fact I gave it little, if any, attention at all. Instead, I imagined that this was a young, vulnerable and confused part of me which easily becomes overwhelmed by emotional discomfort and painful feelings, and seeks to escape them by acting out. And I gave him attention, love, and even support for the holiday fears, about which he was feeling so overwhelmed. Finally, I was very clear that I, and not he, was making the decisions about what to do - not in a threatening or competitive manner - but from the perspective of a grown up dealing with an upset young child. I didn't even address the idea of acting out, but focussed on giving attention and support to this overwhelmed part who had suggested a totally ridiculous solution. It didn't completely solve my problem with sleeplessness last night, but it was wonderful to wake up this morning and be so grateful that I was sober.

Throughout the time I've been writing this, there has been another voice: "Wow! If you really understand anything about this, why in the hell - after 66 years - have you only got one week of sobriety under your belt today?" It's a fair question, and I don't know why. It's certainly humbling. And it's obvious, that while trying to understand this whole mess is something I don't want to stop doing, understanding is not any guarantee of changed behavior.

I'm still feeling overwhelmed, but I'm also so grateful for these seven days of sobriety!

Blessings,
Isaac"

[Disillusioned]

Thanks TTF for allowing some of us to put some of our very favorites here too.
This post is from OJA and talks about his Walk Through the Valley. It describes the best selection of reasons to abandon P that I have read, aside from eliminating a major source of pain to a loving SO. I Thank J for this well written post.

[h=2]My walk through the valley.[/h]

Okay here goes,
I firmly believe that honesty and personal accountability are the most indispensable attributes of a successful recovery and thus I strive to put forth the prior and gain the latter with everything I post here.

Let me rewind and start at the very beginning. Even as a child I was a pragmatist, cutting corners that I viewed as an obstacle to my practical wish fulfillment. My parents were pretty good at catching most of my bad habits but my early use of lewd material went unnoticed and eventually turned into a full fledged addiction to P and MB by age 13. I can't say that I became addicted because of emotional trauma or insecurities, it was never really an escape from the pain of reality, I just really enjoyed it. If anything was an escape it would of been all the books I read and video games that I played to avoid social situations, (I suffer from moderate social anxiety disorder) but who knows maybe it was and I just don't realize it yet.

I come from a very orthodox Catholic family and religion has always been a very big part of my life. P and MB began to slowly erode away at my faith as I realized that they were mutually exclusive. I could not continue to believe Catholic dogma that severely condemns so much as a lascivious thought with my constant use of P and MB. This coupled with the dogmatically secular environment of a state university really shook my foundation to the core. As my faith dwindled my use of porn escalated to the point of it's use of a general palliative. My faith resurged at 25 and I have been trying to battle this dirty little secret of mine ever since. I gradually effaced all material that could trigger me, but it is hard to remove 15 years worth of images that scar the mind like so much graffiti.

What strikes me as odd is how hard this damn thing is to combat. I would characterize myself as a very strong willed person, I put myself through intense physical training (sometimes I lose sleep over it) to attain some ephemeral goal. I read some very boring books for the sake of gleaning minor wisdom and yet when I get a minor craving of the flesh my will crumbles like a sand castle in the surf.

These are my reasons for wanting to get rid of my addiction to P.

-It separates me from the love and grace of God.
-I hate being controlled by anything.
-It leads me to objectify others as well as myself.
-It victimizes all those in the industry as well as everybody who uses it.

My goal is obviously to rid myself of this unhealthy craving for sexual fulfillment by avoiding lewd thoughts which lead to P which leads to MB (not always in that exact order). So far it has been three days since my last slip up and I hope to never feel the shame of acquiescence again.

~J

Last edited by ocja0201; 12-05-2011 at 03:56 AM.

[Disillusioned]

Pretty much describes itself, but is so well thought out. I love putting some of my favorites here. I really do.

From Hopeful's Rock's journal....solid gold....
"The other day I was thinking about what a journey this last year or so has been… quite unbelievable actually to think how much better life is once I quit P & MB and began making the changes necessary to rid myself of my bad behaviors I had developed along the way. I got to thinking if I had to tell someone just how to go about quitting a P addiction how would I do that? Well the best way I found is to join an online support group (preferably TTF) and learn to share your emotions and feelings with others who are in the same struggle as you and through due diligence and time (weeks, months, years) and several emotional breakdowns… a transformation occurs which is quite extraordinary. However another idea I had to inform someone who was looking for a quicker run down on how to quit a P addiction and that would be a “Top 10” list… so here goes!

The top 10 ways to quit a P addiction;

• Number 10 – Admit you have a problem and face up to it and then own those problems as your own… no one else’s!
• Number 9 – Tell your partner or someone you can lean on because it’s highly unlikely that you can do this alone!
• Number 8 – read, read, read the many books that are out there because knowledge is power and self-knowledge is wisdom! (“Every Man’s Battle”, “Every Man’s Marriage”, “The Porn Trap”, “Out Of The Shadows”, “The Love Dare”, etc., etc.)
• Number 7 – “The truth shall set you free”, learn to speak it and live it… Honesty is not only the best policy; it’s the only one… no more lies and deceit.
• Number 6 – Patience… get some and learn how to use it when life throws you a bad day… and it will so get over it.
• Number 5 – Kindness is truly a nice thing to receive from folks… learn to how to give it back and show a little compassion for others especially your SO!
• Number 4 – “Pay attention” to your SO, your recovery, potential triggers and never get lax or overconfident. Pretend your attention is like your electric bill… if you don’t pay it… the lights will go out!
• Number 3 – Love your SO for God’s sake and let her know it! Words aren’t enough and your actions tell the whole story so she needs to know and feel that commitment as well… let her know she’s still the love of your life!
• Number 2 – Check your ego at the door or you’ll trip right over it and fall flat on your face… trust me on this one!
• And the Number 1 way to quit a P addiction…

………………………………………Don’t do it any more…!!! " from Hopeful's Rock

[Disillusioned]

Part one...
This is from JenMac’s journal, “What am I feeling at the Moment?” I believe it has captured some of the truths about PA, recovering from PA, and living with someone you love who has PA, as well as the new thinking that has resulted from that recovery. I will be quoting from Jen and visitors to her Journal.
“As I watch so many newcomers enter our doors here at TTF, I feel a sense of sadness. I am glad that we are here collectively, to offer support and encouragement to the many who are arriving daily, and for those who are yet to come. It always tugs at my heartstrings though when I read the stories of their lives they have to share. Particularly how these lives and relationships have been torn apart by the destructive nature of P.
I remember feeling the same way in Alanon. Watching people come through the door, in various states of distress, could bring me right back to the days of first entering those doors myself. Scared, heartbroken, stressed to the max, a total basketcase. Tears could rise up instantly for the raw emotion these people brought with them.
I feel such empathy for these folks. I also feel a little helpless. I am so sad that they have to go through this. But I am so glad that they have found us. I know what it means to have this place to come to. I know the sense of relief it brings in having a place to share amongst people who know first hand what you are experiencing. There is a special kind of comraderie that comes with going through something so traumatic in your life and living through it along with others who have been there too. I feel so fortunate to be part of this support group we call TTF. So many great people hang out here helping themselves by helping others. It doesn't get any better than that!” from JenMac

From Stillinlove in JenMac’s journal:
“Yes, it is sad. Just the other day my heart bled for a post I read from someone new. Not only for her, but knowing that at any given time, that same pain could come back into my life.
I don't really see it as a betrayal to me. I don't feel that it has anything to do with me.I just see it as something that has taken my husband, my best friend away, not just from me, but from himelf also. My thoughts only go to what have I not looked at or healed from in my own life to have drawn this creation to me. What do I need to heal. It wasn't the P that set me off when I finally admitted to myself that he was in relapse, it was thru my PTSD that triggered being lied to, feeling deceived.

I see it as no different from when I know there is a food I must stay away from because of how it injures me. I am extremely allergic to chocolate and caffeine. I mean I really turn psycho. (I actually had someone cross over to another street because they were afraid to pass me when they heard me ranting outloud to myself) My chemistry changes and was fueled by my unhappiness/anger from other areas of my life at the time. It wasn't until I hit a nasty bottom that I realized I just had to stop. It was not only hurting me, it was hurting my husband, our business, I was a nasty person, etc. A year later, I can easily tempt myself with a bite here and a sip there, knowing what it could do to me if it went full swing. But the draw to it can be like a magnet. Stress triggers it, mostly.
As a recovering s-x addict (also alcohol and drugs and other) I understand how it can subtly twist the mind. How it disguises itself in our own voice and puts lies there that are very convincing. It waits for our weak moments to entice us to something that can sooth us. And then it puts lies in the SOs minds. It grabs onto our insecurities, low self esteem, our own past wounds, etc. That's why the remorse, shame and guilt are so strong, we know we are hurting others but continue until something happens to push us off the cycle.
We have to think of it as not taking a rest stop because we look ahead believing, anticipating, there will be more, but as a finality. To not believe the lie that it is impossible to recover from but to believe there can be an end to something inspite of 'x' # of years going thru the cycle again and again. We lack discipline, faith, trust. Our psyche is stuck in a childhood age when major trauma occurred.
We can understand it to death, but it is our perception of how we look at it as SOs that we can have our own recovery. My focus can't be just him, he is not my whole world.
I can't hide behind him to cover my own insecurities. Just as they (mostly men) are taught thru the ages of what men are made of and how to act, we as women,are taught the same and we do it without disciminating, took it at face value, as truth. I want out of that mold.
Anyway, just some thoughts on how my brain works.
Thanks for letting me share.”from Stillinlove

[Disillusioned]

Part two
Beautiful Thread from loving TTF members in JenMac's journal
from Metalfossil:
“I've seen the pain and truly wish I could have done something earlier. I'm not sure (and unsure why other p addicts couldn't) why I couldn't stop earlier. I've also been asked this by ny wonderful, comitted, caring, loving, long suffering wife. My plan is simple these days...porn=pain...and when The Beast attempts to rear its ugly head, I whack it back into its hole by repeating over and over again this simple mantra to myself: p=pain. I never ever want to witness the pain in my wife's eyes ever again. I love you L.”

from JenMac in response to Stillinlove’s thoughts on betrayl:
Hi Still!
I have been thinking about your post. I find it very thought provoking.
Still, I believe you are unique in your experiences, at least here at TTF. I believe that looking at things from your perspective has given you are very different way of thinking and feeling about this addiction. I also believe that most here, myself included, really do look at this as a betrayal to us in our marriages. For me, there is no other way to look at it. If I had had all of the information throughout my marriage, I am not sure I would be here today. If truth were told continuously over the years, one of two things would have happened. I would either be divorced, or the behaviours would have stopped years ago. It is only because I was unaware of certain things that we are still here today, together.
So yes, I consider it a betrayal. The lies and omissions are a betrayal. And the viewing of this subject matter is a betrayal to me as well. Why else is it hidden? When the one you love knows your feelings about something, knows how strongly you feel about something of this nature, and goes ahead and participates in it anyway, without your knowledge, how can it be viewed as anything but betrayal?
I have always had strong feelings about P. From the time I was a teenager I saw it as degrading and abusive towards women. And that was before I knew what was available on the internet today. I believe I have a right to know what I am living with in my home, what my H is filling his mind with. How can I make good decisions for myself without knowing these things? That right was taken away from me. My H knew my feelings. He made choices that disregarded my feelings. That is a betrayal, plain and simple.
I understand the meaning of addiction and I understand that once into this, the pull is strong, and the ability to get away is lessened. But choices were made along the way, through either lack of understanding to how this affected each of us or just plain selfishness, long before the addiction truly took hold. That is when the opportunity to stop and think about what they were doing should have kicked into play. Not all PAs are affected by childhood trauma, just as not all SO's are suffering from a lack of self esteem prior to this intrusion in our lives.
Still, I appreciate your unique perspective on this. I can understand how you believe that life is about teaching us lessons and so it is with that in mind that you are wondering what you are to learn from this person in your life. I sometimes have the same feeling. You see Mac and I grew up together and so we have learned as we have gone along. I sometimes think my strong views on this industry and his inability to see it for what it is, were headed for a clash at one time or another. I guess this was it. This had to happen for us to come closer together in our thinking. There has been a lot of learning for both of us as we have gone through this. I have come to believe that it was a blessing in disguise. While I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I can almost say I am thankful for what we have been through, as it has brought us to a better place.
I love my husband dearly. I am glad we have grown and learned together. I believe we have had a great marriage in so many ways outside of this issue that popped up on occasion in our lives. Having worked through this together this time in a continous and thorough, albeit painful, fashion, I believe we have given it our all. That committment has given us a strong bond. And for that I am thankful.
Thanks Still! I appreciate you making me think this through.
All the best!
Jenn

From Dawn1952: Dawn starts quoting Stillinlove:
“I don't really see it as a betrayal to me. I don't feel that it has anything to do with me.I just see it as something that has taken my husband, my best friend away, not just from me, but from himelf also. “
I'm still struggling with those words: "it has nothing to do with you." At first, it was inconceivable. Now, I'm looking at your words on the screen and I'm kind of numb, but at least I'm not hearing a resounding "yes it does!" At least I'm questioning that for the first time. My therapist said it's my little girl that's hurt. Like my two-year-old granddaughter, she thinks the entire world revolves around her, I guess.

From Hopeful’s Rock who begins with a quote from Devastated 2:
“It's not possible when all of your intimacy and sexual energy is spent outside your marriage that it doesn't have an effect on your marriage. Of course it does! But the addict doesn't see that. “ from Devastated 2
and from Rock: “TRUE, as an addict I did not see it but as a recovering addict I now see it plain as the nose on my face... I see it in the painful posts of so many here... I have seen it in my wife's tears... I see it when I look in the mirror... so there is no way I can ever forget what I've done! I think about it and try to somehow make amends for it each and every day! Not with the intentions that someday it will all be repaid but more just because once I became aware of what I did I also became appalled at myself and the way I feel right now at this moment (as Jenn's journal is so appropriately named) is that I believe I will go to my dying days working on improving myself and being a better man... the one my mother hoped to raise and the one my wife deserves!

I started out to comment on the part about how PA's have said that it's not about you, the SO. I believe I have said that to my wife also and what I meant when I said it was that it wasn't because of anything she has or hasn't done and certainly not because of what she does or doesn't look like. For me I just meant it wasn't her fault in any way. My wife is and always has been the beautiful love of my life that makes me look much better. It was selfishness that got me addicted to P & MB and a narcissistic attitude and probably a whole other laundry list of reasons but none of them would have my wife attached to them.

Thanks Jenn for the use of your journal so I can say and try to figure out "What am
I feeling at this moment"?”quote from Hopeful’s Rock…

Great thread on Jen’s journal. I love TTF.

[Disillusioned]

I am still doing the talking, but this one just has to be included. It's in our dear BetrayedFamily's journal, where our BF asks what is love? Oh boy, does Jenn's Mac answer and answer well. I love TTF...thanks to all who share.

Your post here really has made me stop and think about what love truly does mean to me.
I know for sure in my heart that as I have recovered I have learned a whole new meaning for what love is and for my expectations for myself within that. But to put those feelings into words I found it to be a little difficult, the feelings are certainly there so here goes.

Love is not a feeling in part of your body, it is a part of your soul.
When you think of the one you love anytime, any place and you can’t stop the smile you get in your heart. That feeling, when it is true will overwhelm you. That is love.
Love is someone who picks up your socks off the bathroom floor as they lie right beside the clothes hamper and really doesn’t mind.
Love is having the one you love stir from their sleep and reach out to touch you just to be sure you’re there
Love is when the one you love gives you a hug for no reason and it’s the best feeling ever.
Love is being with some one and feeling safe and protected, even if you’re a guy
Love is always being there for each other no matter what and letting the other see something everyday so they are assured of this.
Love is giving of yourself completely with no expectations of anything in return, but getting everything you could imagine in return.
How do you protect and nurture love? Simply think of that love before you think or do anything else and you will never make a wrong decision
For me when I look back I used to take love for granted, whether it be showing love or being shown love. This huge problem in my life has taught me to never miss a chance to say I love you but more importantly never miss a chance to show that.
Living a life with honesty, integrity, passion, compassion and gratitude everyday is how love is best shown.

Always love for today as if there may be no tomorrow.

Mac

[Disillusioned]

From Betrayed Family, in her own journal, answering her question as to what is love?

LOVE...
It is a part of me....body, mind and spirit

It LIVES in ME
In my SOUL...the CORE of me, the inner being and strength, my temple to my GOD
In my MIND..intricately woven in my memories, always present when life choices were and are made, challenging me to rise above for the ones I LOVE ...
In my EYES... that SEE and view Life and all of it's BEAUTY.. not through a dark veil of evil, that SEE the struggles and the triumphs, the right and the wrong
In my NOSE... when a SCENT takes you back to THAT moment.. the smell of your new born as you hold them, the flowers at your wedding, the fear, the cookies in Moms oven... him(freshly showered or drenched in sweat)
In my MOUTH...that TASTES the fruit of our labor, the flavors of life.... the flavor of his kiss
In my EARS... that HEAR the comforting sound of HOME, a childs cry, the music that touches your soul, the giggles and heart wrenching screams,the sound of his voice
In my LUNGS...that fill with every BREATH, quick and shalllow, due to excitement,pain or passion, or slow and deep to comfort and calm, that fill with life and deflate with loss
In my HEART...that BEATS the rhythm of my LIFE, that races with joy, fear and passion and BREAKS with pain, now shattered
In my ARMS..that CARRY our children and support our elders, that openly embrace our loved ones in our HUG, that wrap around his neck
In my HANDS... that HOLD and support, that labor for us to give, that caress ,that protect and guide our children, that comfort, that intertwine in his as we walk
In my GUT... as it flutters and flips with joy, alarms when things are not right, and aches with fear, loneliness and loss
In my LEGS...as they take us on this journey, they dance with joy and sway with hardships but find strength to carry on even when we don't know how.

LOVE is the driving force that makes me...ME.

[Disillusioned]

This dialogue took place in our dear Broken's journal. Broken's h tried to explain that his p interests and addiction had nothing to do with her. Broken, as most of the other SOs, can't understand that. I, too, have always disagreed with that statement, because marriage goes with you wherever you are, even when you are alone. However, this particular dialogue on the subject of it 'not having anything to do with the so' is between another PA, our Megafauna, and JenMac in response to Broken's difficulty accepting that it has nothing to do with her. The exchange is worth its weight in gold.

Originally Posted by megafauna As an p addict (just joined the site a few days ago) reading this thread is extremely valuable and therapeutic -- thanks to Broken and all the responders thus far.

I have so many thoughts on this, but I'll limit it to a few.
1) Taking it personally
I've found it helpful, and accurate, to compare p addiction to drug addiction. I've dealt with tobacco, caffeine and many non-legal addictive substances and found that p has been the most difficult to stop. Furthermore, I've found the mental analogs -- like how I'll compulsively use the 'substance' despite trying to stop, or wanting to stop, or knowing that its not good, to be just like drugs.

So, this point, is simply that you might try and imagine that the husband is not actually doing this too you -- but, rather, that you are actually not involved, because its beyond his power to stop it (or was beyond his power, if he's stopped now) despite knowing it could hurt you. Obviously if he kept it secret he knew it would hurt you. However, does he hurt you otherwise? Is he otherwise inconsiderate? My guess is that he, otherwise, is a relatively wonderful husband and dad, who truly loves you and is the man you knew. However, addicts behave compulsively and reflexively, and as such, they NEED HELP, to stop hurting people they love.

Its a terrible thought, that we can get in a situation where we hurt people that we love unless we get help, but its the truth, as we see from stories of addiction everywhere. The good thing, is that if we do get help we can get better.

All that said, pornography is of course particularly tricky as a hurtful addiction because, it would seem, that its a reflection on the SO's sexuality -- in a way, its much simpler than that -- its just an addiction. I hope this isn't unhelpful, but its something to consider that its not personal, but rather a compulsion. If your husband stops, his life will be the richer for it, but he may have needed your help, i.e. by discovering, to stop.

Actually, turns out my "Point 1)" is plenty for this post.

MF



Sorry to jump in here but I just can't stop myself.
Just in response to Megafauna I have to say, we have been told this forever, that it is not about us, that it is separate from us. That it is an addiction. And yes, all addictions hurt the people who love the addict. But this one is a very personal and deep hurt in relation to what it takes away from the partners of the addict. It takes away an intimate and special connection with our closest and most trusted loved one. It takes away our feelings of self worth and confidence in our abilities and even our trust in our own perceptions. It damages our sense of safety in our lives and causes us to question all we know to be true. It cannot be downplayed by telling ourselves that it is not about us, that it is an addiction. While that may assist us in understanding the addiction sense of this, it does nothing to really make us feel better. Believe me I have read numerous books, articles, websites, that talk about this but the result of doing that really does not make me feel any better. If anything it raises anger in me and I can tell you that I have not had a lot of anger in relation to this. I want people to realize that this is about us. While I don't believe I or any other SO here is at fault, I have to tell you that I want the men to stand up and take responsibility for what they have allowed into their lives. Please don't tell me it is not about us. It is all about us and the other women in your life. The wives, mothers, daughters, neices etc etc. When men can come to the point of understanding what damage this is doing in the lives of so many, then and only then, will they be on the path to recovery. Let's not deny that this has everything to do with us. It is not a solo habit.
Sorry for the rant in your journal Broken!
I know you are finding your way here Megafauna. I am glad you are here! I am usually not this tough! :)
Jenn

[Disillusioned]

This is a thread from 7 things husbands should remember about wives regarding s-x and 7 things wives should remember about husbands regarding s-x. It is Jenn quoting WONLM. The bold is WONLM...the regular type is Jenn.

"all men do it"-what does that mean for men? “All men do it”

That’s a frequent theme here. The PA says they thought all men do it, so their behavior is not that bad. But, what is it exactly that “all men do”.

Look at P

Lie

Manipulate

MB instead of sx

Harden their heart and ignore their partner’s pain

Decide P is more important than their family

Think about what you are saying when you say “all men do it.” I still have hope that “all men” are not heartless liars who’s personal pleasure is more important to them than their partner’s emotional well being.

I post this because I am considering the audience here on TTF. There are casual browsers, looking for answers. Some of them will see their need to change from reading this site, and they will commit to it. Others come here, on their own or “forced” by their partner, and they will reject the very notion that they have anything in common with the people here. They will not identify at all and they will never commit. And sadly, some members right now will stop being committed to the fight and they will stop posting and go back to the behavior that brought them here. Some will determine they don’t have a problem, and they are just doing what “all men do”.

I hope this post makes them think about what exactly they are saying when they say “all men do it”. If your definition of a man is a faithless liar who thinks nothing of hurting their partner, then I am sad for "men". Maybe we can make a new definition of a man, and when we say "all men do it" or "men will be men", those phrases will have positive connotations instead of negative ones.



I would also add that the degradation and abuse that is present in mainstream P today is seen very differently by the men who are truly on a path to recovery. It is not something that they look back fondly on, it is something that they are deeply ashamed of from their past. So not only do they feel remorse for what they have put their partner through but also where they had gone to themselves. That becomes crystal clear the further along the path to recovery they are on.

[Disillusioned]

Here's another keeper from True Blue...

[h=2]a little bit of pumping up[/h]

I have noticed that a lot of women, be they young or old, compare themselves to other women, or imaginary ideals and find themselves lacking. I totally feel a little bit of panic and a lot of sadness when I see this. I'm sure we have all heard that beauty comes from the inside, and that we are all unique, and other similar sayings.

I am not a perfect specimen of beauty, but I am beautiful.

I have several scars on my body, some from bad things, some from childbirth (good things, miraculous life-forging good things). These scars don't make me more or less beautiful, they just are.

I weigh more than I did when I was a teenager, more than I did before the birth of my last baby (who is two today, I guess I should practice calling him a toddler). This extra weight, no, extra isn't even the right word, just this different weight is not something that makes me more or less beautiful than I was ten years ago.

My body is softer and rounder than it used to be. Even my hair has a different texture and color than it did ten years ago (thank you hormones) but these things do not make me more or less beautiful.

I wear different clothes now that I don't have a job outside of the house. When playing outside with kids, you probably wont find me wearing silk and heals. But the clothes I wear do not make me more or less beautiful.

Stress and the frantic pace of running a household of five, of worrying about my marriage, and of making stone soup just to get by sometimes makes my skin pale or my eyes have dark bags living under them. These things don't make me more or less beautiful.

I'm older. Granted, I know I'm still just a baby in the grand scheme of things, but being older doesn't make me any less beautiful than when I was a teenager, a toddler, a baby.

I know that there are things I can do to deal with these differences. And sometimes I do. I wear clothes that are more flattering for my body type. I occaisionally wear make up. Never concealer, but a bit of mascara to make my eyes pop, or lipstick to make me feel glamorous. I eat healthier than I did before kids. I exercise, but not to lose weight, just to be healthier and have more stamina.

I guess my point is that even heavier, rounder, frizzier hair, jeans and a tee shirt with some sort of kid-induced stain on it, I am still beautiful. I'm fortunate that my husband thinks so too, but even if he didn't it would not change the fact that I am beautiful.

And I understand insecurities. Heaven knows I have a bunch of my own. I realize that listing these things out might make it seem like I have it all together, but fear not, I'm just as insecure as the next woman. But when we dwell on our insecurities, all we are doing is spreading the insecurities around. I can't even think of how to make the point I set out to.

I can remember times when my sister was complaining about her extra baby weight. And I know she only meant it as criticism of herself, but I felt it as criticism of me too. I remember my mom dying her hair because her natural color wasn't good enough...the color my hair happens to be. I remember one of my best gal pals bemoaning the fact that she was several decades old and not beautiful anymore. I hope I live that long.

I guess what I'm saying is that when we despair over our own self-criticisms we don't realize that we are passing along those insecurities to other people. Or sending the message that it is okay for them to make those judgements about us or anyone else.

So once again my journal is a place where I'm setting a goal for myself. I'm going to try really hard not to put myself down over superficial things, and put no one else down either. Not with my lips, not with my attitude, and if I can help it not even in my thoughts.

As usual, all the best to all of you beautiful people,
TrueBlue