Posted in reply to "As a recovering PA, what advice would you give to someone who has just decided they want to quit using pornography?"
Quote:
These are in no particular order and please remember they have worked for me, I hope they work for you, take or leave as you see fit.
1. Stay busy. It's the downtime that'll get you. Keep it to a minimum, anticipate when you'll have it and plan to be where the temptation to view P will be difficult.
2. Develop healthy habits. Before P, if there was ever a time, did you have a hobby or sport or favorite thing to do that P has robbed? Go back to this thing and pursue it. It will use up downtime and help put your mind on something else, plus untold myriad fringe benefits.
3. Eye control. As a recovering PA I have found it helpful to not eyeball, body-scan, whatever you call it, women when I am in their presence. Sights can lead to thoughts which can lead to actions that can lead you down.
4. Thought control. "As a man thinks, so is he." Carefully sort through your thought life and discard the destructive ones. This is hard and it's a continuous process. But it is well worth the effort as your thoughts clean up the urge to do P is diminished.
5. From their perspective. This is a new one to me and partially brought forward by my wife: all of the actresses and actors in the P industry -they were at one time innocent with hopes and dreams and parents or at least relatives who wanted them to have a great life. As P users we are shown only the glitz and glam. On the other side is a trail of unspeakable destruction and misery. Thinking that I will perpetuate this if I look at P helps me to not look at P.
6. PC use. I now use a laptop and only in the wide open spaces of living room or kitchen etc. This works for me as a I have a family. For those on their own I suggest not using the PC in private at all if they can do it. Even putting the PC away or not using it at all if possible. I also use Covenant Eyes with my history sent to my wife each week. This is a safety net.
7. Start a journal. This is mentioned and encouraged on TTF thus I won't belabor the point. Watching your progress to stay clean is itself a motivation.
8. Manage your expectations. I was a P off and on for 31 years. Should I expect it to turn off overnight? Probably not. One step at a time. One victory at a time. Mark your progress. Count your days. Keep track of your clean-ness but don't let it be your end-all feel good barometer. Rules, regulations and numbers at the end of the day are not what makes for a clean life and mind. Do the right thing and the numbers will follow.
9. Tell others. If you have a close friend or family member you can really trust, tell them about your PA. The relief I expereinced when I told my friends and family was enormous. P's power is greatly broken down when the veil of secrecy is lifted.
I feel Daniel put his in a clear format that was easy to read and made real life sense. Great post.
Peace and Love,
Crys
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time.
I am here to heal myself and my marriage first and foremost, but I’m really feeling like there is more to this, like I have a duty to share my journey with anyone who will listen. And to tell you the truth it feels good that I might be giving somebody who is/was in my shoes some advice that could help them….I would never “preach” to anyone, I know I have a problem, and I know that I didn’t want to face it. And I believe this is NOT an uncommon feeling, I only had a relatively small period of denial, but with my whole life flashing before my eyes, I could see me for what I really was………not a monster, not a villain, but someone who was seduced by something evil enough to ruin their whole life. So, I don’t want to preach, BUT, I feel that It’s my obligation to “get the word out” to what hell may be in store if you mess around with that crap.
The further I go down this recovery path the more I become aware of the things that I was numb to before. We all know how P commands you when your addicted to it. It wants every second you can give it because it makes you hungry for more and more. It creates a vacuum where your life used to be. But one thing I realized just now is that when an addict breaks the seal its just like oxygen rushing back in.
You get to breath for the first time in a long time.
It is amazing that it was really such a short time ago, because things have really changed between my husband and I. Much of the change is a direct result of this site, my husband has read many of the stories of the partners and what they are going through (whilst the posts of the P addicts have given him some tools to tackle his addiction, it is the stories of the women that have changed the way he sees me, sees himself and sees his addiction).
Wash it out, Try it on again! (For SOs) -
09-14-2008, 06:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Abbie
It's takes us a while to pick our self-esteem up off the floor, wash it out, and try it on again, and given the world we live in today with supposedly 'perfect' women on every magazine/billboard/tv ad it's hard enough to feel attractive. Just remember that he was with you in the first place, he was attracted to you. These fabricated airbrushed fantasy figures are nothing to him compared to you. Otherwise, why is he trying to change? He has chosen you, so you must be 1,000 times better than P as he is willing to overcome an addiction to be with you.
I am reading through FM's journal and this piece was fantastic. As a PA, I can really relate to stopping at a significant milestone and taking stock of your life.
Foolish does it here in fine fashion:
58 days people! Never thought id get here..Im going to explain why I think I have got this far.
59 days ago, I had a choice to make. I could continue closing my eyes to the real world and blanking everything that mattered to me out. And I could continue to fantasize in an artificial world, disrespecting women, and everything about them.
My other option was to close my eyes to the artificial world, and be reborn to the life and people that i was meant for.
I chose the latter.
How did I open my eyes?
Honestly, I did not open my eyes myself, It was this forum, that opened them for me. I realised I was not alone. I realised, I didnt have to hide my secret. I can be open, and honest, and genuinley battle this alongside others.
If I did this, I would have a chance of winning my wife back. I would have the chance to be a proper father.
Steps I took
Made a commitment to myself, that from this day forth, I will kill this P addiction.
To assits myself I logged on to this forum everyday, to keep it real, to remind me of the devastation P does.
Followed advice from other members, not getting myself in tempting situations.
Analysing everytime i feel weak. Making sure I help myself to not get into that situation again.
58 days ! are you cured?
I have been a progressivley worse PA for probably 10yrs+. It would be very foolish to think I am cured. If the word cure could even be applied to this. It is not a sickness or a disease. It is choice, and paths you choose.
I have changed my path, But I could easily slip and fall back on the old road I used to walk. Hence I will never let myself forget.
I think of myself as a soldier. A soldier completley outnumbered, but i have support around. I defeated many attempts at k.illing me, many ambushes. But It takes one moment of putting my shield down and taking my armour off, for me to lose an attack.
So I will march on, and help my fellow soldiers in battling this in the best way I can. Naturally people will fall.
But remember...Why do you fall? To learn to pick yourself up again! Once you have learned, remember why you fell, and learn not to fall again.
Are you a PA?
I am religeous in my beliefs and my faith, although i do not practice. I am spiritual and can be philosophical, although feel hypocritical at times to preach.
Anyone can carry a label, but its what you do that defines you.
Right now....
I am a Man, A Husband, A Father, A Son. Together this is my armoury that I use for battle. But I do stand proud and happy.
Thank You again, To eveyone on this site. You may not realise, by posting and helping others, you really are helping marriages, relationships and saving lives. Dont humble yourself, You are brilliant people.
Every PA with a partner should read this! -
11-11-2008, 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Glass_of_water
For every one hundred times my husband told me that I was beautiful, he looked at P a thousand times which made me feel like I was not good enough.
For every truth he told me he told me 10 lies.
For every time he turned me away, he accepted them 5 times.
The maths is not great and the outcome is never going to be positive when a woman adds the numbers together.
My post is probably a little blunt because I am going through my husband slipping up again after being P free for months, so again I am having to understand why the P won, and I feel like the loser...
By Glass_Of_Water
Thank you, I found this so powerful.
__________________________________________________ ___ Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.Martin Luther King Jr
"Take care all and fight the good fight... Don't feed your urges.... If you want to stop then really make the decision to do so. Stop giving yourself reasons to fall and when u fall pick yourself up and carry on... Most of us after joining this site would have probably gone on longer than we wld have expected and whats stopping us from going on longer? It is us and only us, noone else can help you make your life better. Sometimes circumstances may play a cruel hand on you and you may have reacted and regretted but don't use that and say i'm never going to make it... I did that once and i went into another year of P and Mb and i came back and now i've come so far... And i've told myself i'm never going to go back down that lane again.... I'm so much more happier and am able to face people more confidently and am looking forward the wonderful things that life has to offer.. If its w/o S then so be it.. Thats not the only thing that life is about..."
08-11-2008, 09:12 PM
A Duty -
08-15-2008, 01:41 PM
Breath of fresh air -
08-20-2008, 04:52 PM
Keeping it real -
09-14-2008, 06:47 AM
Every PA with a partner should read this! -
11-11-2008, 01:17 PM
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