from an online marriage counselor..fix your marriage or run from it..

[Disillusioned]

Are you REALLY dealing with your
marital situation?
There are basically 2 ways to cope with a bad
marriage. You can either IGNORE it or FOCUS on
it.
It's the same with any problem in life. Some
people RUN from their problems. Other people FACE
them.
The irony of this choice is that people who run
from their problems seek RELIEF, but end up in
PAIN. People who face their issues experience
pain, but end up relieved. Let me explain.
Imagine you had a recurring stomach ache day
after day. You could ignore it in order to avoid
the inconvenience of going to the doctor, the
cost of the prescription, and the discomfort of
the colonoscopy. But the fact is that a recurring
stomach ache is a sign of a health problem that
NEEDS YOUR ATTENTION. And if you don't give it
your attention, it'll end up being a BIGGER
inconvenience, costing MORE money, and causing
you MORE pain.
A problem doesn't go away because you run from
it; it GETS WORSE. The EVENTUAL cost of dealing
with it escalates. Your stomach, for example,
will continue to ache until you finally say,
"Okay, I'll deal with this." Then, and only then,
will you get relief.
You see, we get exactly the
problems we need in our life to fix the things
about ourselves that need fixing.
I want to say that again because it's so
important.
We get exactly the problems we need in our life
to fix the things about ourselves that need
fixing.
In other words, your marriage crisis is not
coincidental. It wasn't just bad luck. It's like
a stomach ache; it's reflective of a problem that
needs correcting. It's a sign that you have a
weakness that needs work. And, if
you ignore it, the pain will increase until you
finally say, "Okay, I'll deal with this."
Recently I had private sessions with a gentleman
who felt that his marriage crisis was his wife's
fault. He explained why and, in fact, I could see
his point. But I know from experience that
there's ALWAYS dual responsibility. So I asked
him, "Is this your first marriage?"
"No," he responded, "It's my third."
"Do you have children?"
"Yes," he said, "But I'm not on speaking terms
with them."
"Are your mom and dad still alive?" I inquired.
"Yes, but we had a falling out 7 years ago," he
explained.
This went on and on until he revealed a clear
history of failed close personal relationships.
In other words, he had stomach aches (failed
relationships) throughout his entire life, but he
ignored every one. It was always someone else's
fault. And here we go again. Another failed
relationship. And it will continue until HE fixes
the problem WITHIN HIMSELF.
It's your spouse's fault. I know.
But your marital situation is reflective of some
inner work that YOU have to do too. If you don't
do it; you'll find yourself in this same
situation again. It may not be with the same
person, the details may not be immediately
recognizable, but I promise you that the pain
will not relent until you deal with whatever it
is about YOU that's bringing this stress into
your life. Deal with it. Don't run.
"If things go wrong in the world," Carl Jung
said, "something is wrong with ME. Therefore, if
I am sensible, I shall put myself right first."
The worst suffering occurs when you run from your
suffering.
It's not the snake bite that's the problem; it's
running from the snake that pumps venom to your
heart...that's the problem.
In his 1918 diary, Hermann Hesse writes, "You
know quite well, deep within you, that there is
only a single magic, a single power, a single
salvation...love your suffering. Do not resist
it, do not flee from it. Give yourself to it. It
is only your aversion that hurts, nothing else."
The worst pain comes from avoidance. The healing
magic is ATTENTION. Eric, the only way
out of your suffering is THROUGH IT.
The problems in your life are like
fingers pointing toward answers to your most
crucial questions. They are transformations
trying to happen. They're birth pains.
Let it come! It'll hurt, but that
hurt is a path to your healing.
There's an ancient Chinese proverb that says:
"The gem cannot be polished without friction; nor
man perfected without trials."
I know it's your spouse's fault.
But whatever is their fault is reflective of
their work. The question for you is: What's your
fixing? What role did you play in all this? And
what can YOU do to improve the situation?
And, don't say that you need your
spouse to fix the problems. That's a cop out.