Confusion

[TYC113]

After finally being able to think soberly for once in my life, I have been thinking so critically about my life and everything that is in it. I have been thinking on how P has drastically affected my thinking, and there have been obvious ways that it has when it comes to my eyes. But there is one that wasn't as obvious. I didn't even think of it until I heard it from reading something else. And the thing is that I don't think I even know what sex is. And for that matter, I have no knowledge as to how to treat women.

For such a long time, I have looked to P for sex and thought that was how sex was supposed to go. All the positions, speed, duration, etc. I thought that was how girls wanted it to be done and wanted their men to perform like. Because that was what I saw, I instantly drew that to be sex. But now that my eyes have been gladly unclouded and now can see what P is for real, I am now so confused and feel like I have no knowledge of sex. I don't even know what sex is anymore. All I know is that it is supposed to be beautiful. Other than that, nothing. I don't even know what it is supposed to look like. I should have more info on this than I do now, but I don't.

I also thought that girls needed their guys to be "sexual studs" while at the same time disregarding any girl that wasn't "experienced". I was very superficial, and I am still fighting against that. I felt that in order for sex to be great that I needed to be experienced and know what I was doing. I told myself once that I should just get a girl who's been "around the block" a few times so that she could teach me how to have sex like a P star. That way, when the day came to get married, I wouldn't be a sexual failure to my wife. But now that my eyes can finally see that P is a sick lie, I am even more in the dark on how to have sex. All I know is what P taught me, so I really don't know what sex really is.

This really scares me. I don't want to go to a bed with a woman and end up doing it like a fool to her because I don't know how to have sex at all. After all this, I don't even know if I can remotely satisfy a woman. I don't even know if my body is good enough to satisfy a woman and she will be left unsatisfied. That would be just pitiful. I don't even know if I am capable of having a relationship with a woman. I think sometimes that I may be too screwed up to have a relationship. I often think that all the years watching P have made me incapable for a relationship. I picture myself getting into a relationship with a girl only to see the girl's life being ruined by me. I see the relationship being the worst thing ever only ending in complete sadness, which I never want.

And that is why I am so afraid of relationships and often want to never be in one. I just don't want to get into a relationship and ruin every bit of the relationship, leaving the relationship dead like my parents' relationship is. I look at my folks relationship and see nothing but a dead love. It is like they are nothing but two people living together. All I hear from them is that they can't stand each other. It's as if they would always want to be married to someone else. I don't want that to be me. It's sad to think how that could be me. But I know that is what would happen with the way that I am now. I am so lousy with other people and interacting with other people that this is the only result that can be foreseen. I have in no way any social skills, relational skills, and relationship interaction. I also grew up without any sense of intimacy with anybody. With P, the only interaction and intimacy that was being done was with me and a computer screen. It was easy to do that, but it was deadening too. It left me with no friends and no knowledge of how to open up to people. But now I want to finally find a friend and find other people to be my friends. The only problem is that I have no knowledge of how to do so.

So now what I want to know officially and please don't think of these as stupid questions, please, are answers to questions like these: What is sex really supposed to look like? How do you form an intimate relationship to where you can trust them with your feelings? How do you open up to someone so that intimacy can happen without running them off? And how do you maintain an intimate relationship?

I'm confused.

[Rockinastorm]

TYC
I think that just by asking yourself these questions you are headed on the right track. To be honest, I was scared of ruining my relationship with my now fiance. And that fear lead me to make bad decisions, so you are not alone in that fear. The thing is, first of all, you cant plan any of this. Seems unfortunate, but we are better for it. Some guidelines I should have been better about are:
*lead with your heart, not your head.
*Never apply pressure to your relationship.
*If it doesnt seem right, talk about it.

You and your partner will define your relationship. It is up to both of you to open steady lines of communication that will allow for the progression of intimacy. You may find that volunteering to show your vulnerability will allow your partner to feel safe in doing the same. You should try not to worry about the physical side of intimacy: strive for emotional intimacy because that is the deepest connection you can make. The physical side will follow. It might feel like its lagging behind but that means more work on the communication side, and if the physical side seems coming on too fast then you probably arent there emotionaly yet, and it might be a good idea to slow down. I dont know if I am the right person to answer how to maintain that relationship, but if you are worried about sex what "sex" looks like, dont be. Its not about how it looks, but how it feels in your heart. Nothing else matters about it.

[champagnesuppanova]

Hi TYC,

First off, thank you for your post. I suspect that you have had the courage and bravery to ask the questions that a lot of PAs here have asked themselves.

I have been in a relationship with my BF (who is a PA in recovery) for just over 2 years now. It has been hard for both of us, but hopefully I can share with you some things that might help.

First off, stop worrying about a future that hasn't happened yet! Not all relationships work out. So you when you meet a girl that you like, don't get ahead of yourself!! The first date is the first date. The second date is the second date. You might only have a few dates with a girl. That isn't a failure - you just decided that she wasn't for you (or vice versa). That's how people find "the one" - they meet lots of people and then follow their hearts to that one person that is for them. Just take life one day at a time, and one day, before you know it, you will wake up one morning knowing in your heart that the girl you are dating is the girl you want to marry.

Secondly, relationships take time and effort - ON BOTH sides. You have to learn to communicate with the girl, listen to her, respect her, respond to her needs. And she will do the same for you. The best and most successful relationships are based on trust, communication and mutual respect. The girl won't be worried about how good (or bad) the sex is - that much I know!! She will be most concerned with how you view her as a person, not as a sexual partner. She will want to know that you value her intelligence, her humour, her kind heart and other qualities. Women need an emotional connection with their man in order to sustain a relationship (and I am sure most men here will tell you that they want and need that emotional connection as well). So focus on getting to know the woman's personality and character.

As for the physical side of things - forget about how things "look". When you go to bed with a woman, there is no hidden camera watching your every move. No one else will see what happens. It is a private intimate moment between you and the woman. Stop worrying about how anything "looks" and take the advice from Rockinastorm - focus on the "feel". If you have an emotional connection with a woman, that emotion will guide you. And LISTEN to the woman. We (women that is) can speak and in the bedroom, if we don't like something or we do like something, very often we will let you know. And if you aren't sure, just ask - she will probably think you are a mature and sensitve adult for checking what she wants and needs in the bedroom.

Finally, every woman is different. What one woman likes, another may not - that goes for emotional connections as well as in bed. Some women love chocoaltes and flowers, others prefer quieter more subtle signals of romance and emotion. And this is the hardest part - you can't adjust yourself for every woman you might meet. You have to just be yourself and find a woman that you like for just being her and that likes you for just being you. If you like each other for who you are, then that means you don't have to hide or make a forced effort or pretend at anything, you can just be you. And relaitonships are hard enough without having to pretend to be someone you are not!! So get to know yourself, understand who that person is, be that person, and then allow that person to go out in the world and meet other people. Be open and honest with yourself, and other people will be open and honest with you. Of course not every relationship you have will work out, but that isn't your "fault", it just wasn't meant to be. It might mean that every now and then you suffer a little pain if someone you quite liked decides that you are not the one for them. But that's part of the process of finding love.

So be honest, open, relax, be yourself, communicate, give respect, don't rush it, and if you aren't sure about something, just ask. It isn't easy, it never will be, but the fact that you are asking yourself all these questions suggests that you recognise that there is something special out there to be found with a woman. Have a little self-confidence and put yourself out there. You'll be fine!!