BBC News Story

[champagnesuppanova]

I found the below article on the UK BBC News website today. At last, someone willing to put this out in the open!!

[h=1]A sex addict's cold turkey[/h]
This week sees the release of Steve McQueen's film Shame, which focuses on sex addiction, but what is it really like to be a sex addict? At the age of 27, comedian Jeff Leach has slept with more than 300 women and wants to confront his problem.
I am a ladies' man and to be honest a pretty successful one, sometimes sleeping with women at a rate of more than 10 a week, but now I am on a mission to change.
I want to see if I can handle a committed relationship. I need to find out where I have been going wrong.
Seeing every single woman as a potential sexual adventure makes me miserable, tires me out and leaves me feeling vacuous and shallow, and ultimately very lonely.
Now I am getting towards 30, my friends are settling down and I realise I cannot go on like this forever. It's said the average British man has had 13 sexual partners and women have had just seven. I am pretty much off the scale.

The realisation I have had is that my attitude to sex is just not normal. Having already conquered the majority of problematic aspects of my existence pertaining to my addictive nature - my drink and drug follies - this seems to be the final hurdle that needs to be faced.
I don't want to die on my own and I also want to be a dad. To find out more about myself, I spoke to ex-lovers to try to understand why I can't be a one-woman man.
Sleeping with more than 300 women meant a lot of phone calls, emails, Facebook and Twitter messages. Ex-girlfriends, ex-lovers, ex-"one night stands" came back with positive messages of support and a genuine desire to help me with my journey.
My ex-girlfriend Nicola did call me self-centred.
"You were very selfish, you made me very uncomfortable on many occasions. Jeff did what Jeff wanted to do," says Nicola.
Claire, who was my longest relationship, told me she was always afraid of running the risk of being hurt.
"I didn't think you'd be able to be a good boyfriend. I didn't want to be in a relationship with you. I don't think I'd be able to satisfy you as a girlfriend and keep your attention. And also, if you cheated on me, it would destroy me," says Claire.

That was upsetting. How many opportunities have I had like that in the past, where women have thought "rather than tell him that I like him to that extent, I'd rather push him away to protect myself?"
My ex-girlfriend - also called Clare - said that I failed to show a vulnerable side. I have a fear of being hurt like I was by my first love. But how do I allow myself to be vulnerable?
By limiting my time with individual lovers, by seeing a girl for one night and then making her feel like she's my world and then not seeing her for two or three weeks, I am allowed to distance myself.
When I went to see Paula Hall, a sexual and relationship psychotherapist, she explained the signs.
"Sex addiction is any sexual behaviour that feels out of control. If you are acting out in a sexual way and you don't really know what you are getting out of it any more, you don't really know why you're doing it, you're quite often regretting that you've done it again but you keep on doing it, then you are probably an addict.

"You have to learn to love yourself and live in your own company."
I remember being very happy with my family as a child, going on holiday and my dad putting me on his shoulders and my parents getting along. Then, from seven or eight years old, all I can remember is them arguing.
I wonder whether there is an element of me that thinks: "I have seen how miserable some committed relationship can be so I do not want to put myself through that."
Hall believes that a lot of my sexual behaviour might actually be "intimacy regulation".
"You use it to keep out of a relationship. By continually having multiple relationships you are not putting all your eggs in one basket," says Hall.
"I suspect that at the root of your addiction is that little boy who has still not had a chance to have his feelings and needs to be heard. You will continue to drown out your fears with alcohol, drugs or sex until you face them."
What I am learning is that the lifestyle I have been leading has a limited shelf-life. I want women to think "yes he is a sexual entity but his adventurous nature doesn't come in the way of him being a decent bloke who is capable of loving and being loved".

I have realised that, until I am happy with myself and I love myself, that's not going to be possible, so I am going to get on and do that.
It proved to be a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Delving into childhood issues with a psychotherapist and letting a score of jilted exes point out where I'd gone wrong certainly made me very depressed.
But the process has given me a new lease of life with regard to my control over my sexual desires and established renewed friendships with women.
I am on a path of understanding as to why I am the way I am and why I feel the unusual desires that I often experience as an addict.
And so I may never be cured of my ailment - and, believe me, it is an ailment - but I can now look myself in the eye and know that I have the courage to try to change my situation for the better.

[maggie]

I think Jeff is fabricating stories about his sexcapades. Immature, weak men want everyone to believe they are a ' player ' sleeping with hundreds of women.

Women are not that desperate!

[Disillusioned]

Maybe I am gullible and maybe he is exaggerating! Whatever, I think this man must have unlimited funds to do what he has been doing and then afford therapy to help him find out what is missing. Whatever the case actually is, he comes to a common theme of folks suffering from SA, PA, and other addictions. He has intimacy problems, huge intimacy problems. Afraid of being hurt and looking at women as objects, not considering the hurt he is giving others, not thinking of the long-term damage he is doing to others and himself, and a highly addictive nature are all included in the recipe for SA and PA. I believe he is learning to self-examine, which is hard for a man to learn, because it involves feelings, which they have been taught NOT to connect with, as a way of being more manly, as a way of maintaining control over what they really need and value. What ever the exact number of his body count, and yes, men do exaggerate, this man is telling the truth as to the fundamentals of addictions of all kinds. I wonder how many of his conquests have been consuming alcohol or other drugs that lower our inhibitions, and how many of his experiences were of the 'paid-for' type, what-ever the truth of his involvements.

Thanks CSN and Maggie for your contributions to this thead.

[HopefulsRock]

I agree with Maggie... don't believe everything you read in the media! This guys obviously big on himself and the BBC is just trying to sell there papers or websites or whatever. If that guy is real and truly wants to change then join TTF for some proper support and guidance in the matter.

[champagnesuppanova]

I think the positive point I was trying to make might have been missed.

Whether or not the entire story is true (and it is unlikely to be fabricated because the BBC - British Broadcasting Corporation - is not a sensationalist news organisation, it is an entire media organisation dedicated to quality media broadcasting including writing and making award winning series and investigative journalism), the point is that here is a story in the general mainstream public media that is saying in quite an accessible way "look, SA is a real problem that exists".

The point isn't about whether the author of the item was getting help or where, or how. The point is that he was putting the issue out there in the public domain so that other men who are struggling with SA issues can read it and see (a) they are not alone and (b) there are things they can do to help themselves.

I haven't seen the film the story is promoting (see the first paragraph). But if it is putting the issue "out there", then isn't that a positive thing? The very reason this addiction is so hard to identify and deal with is precisely because it is rarely, if ever, talked about. It is the last sexual taboo in many ways. You can talk about bedroom antics, pornography, almost anything sex related. But to sugges that sex might actually be a problem for some people? That is something hithertoo only uttered in hushed tones away from the public. So put it out there. Talk about SA as a real problem. It isn't made up. People can't just stop - it's an addiction. A-D-D-I-C-T-I-O-N. With often complex emotional and self-esteem issues that need to be carefully unravelled, usually by a professional.

The more the general media are willing to shed light on SA and try to approach it in a positive and constructive way, the better for all of us I say.

[maggie]

Hi Champagne,

Please don't feel that I was discrediting the story....not at all. And it is interesting to read the personal histories of sx addicts from various countries.

What I meant to say was that lots of immature men... tend to broadcast or exaggerate their ' conquests '... just like the boys in the old ' Grease ' movie!! " Did you get very far ? "

[HopefulsRock]

Champagne... sorry I did seem to miss the point here because all I wanted to do was start questioning the guy and try to guide him in the right direction but he wasn't here to do so. I guess I'm getting in a routine or programmed here of not accepting the typical stories of a PA and just wanting to jump in and try to correct them and their ways.

You are so right about how this topic is taboo and needs to be put out there before we'll ever see any changes in our society... how can we expect it to change if most folks don't even know it's a problem? You know in my own life I look for ways to approach this subject and fall just short of that goal because of my own fears or because I just feel they won't understand and quite frankly if you haven't been through this it seems you won't understand. So still to this day, after 662 days of recovering from this addiction in my life, it's just my wife, a priest and TTF folks who know the story of HopefulsRock, Mark... me, and that's sad actually. We communicate so well and so freely here at TTF but the rest of the world, our worlds have no idea how big of a problem this is.

The more the general media are willing to shed light on SA and try to approach it in a positive and constructive way, the better for all of us I say.

...here, here to that ...I seriously think I'm just to afraid to do it myself but totally agree that someones got to do it! Thank you Champagne for bringing me back on point on this post because it's a very important point and subject.

PS. I really get a bit negative against the media in general and really have no beef against the BBC... I despise them all! lol, actually they'll be the ones we need eventually to help communicate this battle we all face.

[maggie]

I fear that this topic...problem.... will remain hidden because basically it is embarassing for not only the user of pornographic material, but to his partner, wife and family and career as well.

We had a big scandal here in Washington DC, where a group of employees in a government agency were caught downloading and sharing pornographic material and images during work hours. Sadly, we have hundreds of thousands of US citizens who are unemployed and job searching!! These characters were sharing pornographic material on-line during their supposed work day.

When they were caught, some of the workers were put on probation, others who were temporary government workers were fired, but some were never disciplined at all.. and the discussion and news reporting ended abruptly. No-one wants to admit or talk about the problem.

[Rockinastorm]

I fear that this topic...problem.... will remain hidden because basically it is embarassing for not only the user of pornographic material, but to his partner, wife and family and career as well.

We had a big scandal here in Washington DC, where a group of employees in a government agency were caught downloading and sharing pornographic material and images during work hours. Sadly, we have hundreds of thousands of US citizens who are unemployed and job searching!! These characters were sharing pornographic material on-line during their supposed work day.

When they were caught, some of the workers were put on probation, others who were temporary government workers were fired, but some were never disciplined at all.. and the discussion and news reporting ended abruptly. No-one wants to admit or talk about the problem.

Ugh. Ok so I know Im headed off topic here, but remind me why I havent moved to Canada yet? I HATE government scandal so freaking much! These are the people who are supposed to be taking care of us, or helping the country in some way. Our leaders, our role models, making important decisions.. If this isnt evidence of problem this plague is causing our society, I dont know what is.. and I read the other day in Newsweek that LA was voting on weather or not p actors should have to use protection.. the acknowledgement and dismissal. Where are we headed?