Letting go of past hurt (from an online marriage counseling service)

[Disillusioned]

How to get over your past and past hurt? From an on line marriage counseling service.
Caution: contains some religious references. Please do not read if this is offensive to you. My apologies to those who are not and might be offended. The advice in being able to let go of the past seems worth sharing. disillusioned
Has your spouse neglected you?
Rejected you? Hurt you?
Are you struggling to get over the pain of an
affair?
If your marriage is in trouble, the chances are
good that you need to put some hurt behind you.
It's one of the most common questions I get.
" I want to make my marriage work. But how
do I get over the past?"
Here's the key.
The first step is to realize what you're REALLY
trying to accomplish. What does it REALLY mean to
get over the past?
You can't change what happened. There's no time
machine that can send you back to relive the
past. What's done is done.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that your
situation is hopeless. What I'm saying is that
you first have to be clear about what you can and
cannot change. You CAN get over your past (as
I'll explain). But you canNOT change events that
already occurred.
The good news though, is that you
don't have to change the past in order to get
over it. What you have to change is the MEANING
of the past.
Think for a moment. Was there ever
a time in your life when something horrible
happened and you thought, "Why is this happening
to me?" But then a few years later you looked
back and you could answer that question. In
retrospect, you understood why it happened. At
first, it seemed like the world was caving in.
Later, it all made sense.
In fact, very often, we eventually realize that
bad times are part of a process that leads to
something good!
It's the events that FOLLOW bad
times that determine the ultimate meaning of
those times. In other words, it's your future
that determines your past; not the other way
around. And since YOU are in charge of your
future, then YOU determine the meaning of your
past.
It's interesting to think about this in the
context of an age-old question: Do we have free
choice or is everything predetermined? The answer
is YES. Everything is predetermined AND we have
free choice.
It's like when you play a card game. You get
dealt a hand. And you have no control over the
cards you get dealt. It's predetermined.
But you also get to play that hand. You also have
free choice.
Ultimately, it's the COMBINATION of the hand
you're dealt and the way you play it that
determines the outcome. And it's the outcome that
shapes your view of the original hand you were
dealt.
I don't know if you're familiar
with the Bible, but it's interesting to note that
in Chapter 1 of Genesis, God says, "Let US make
man in our image." Look at that
verse again: "Let US make man in our image." Who
is "us?" Who is God talking to? There wasn't
anyone created yet.
The answer is: God is talking to
US. He's talking to me. He's talking to YOU. And
He's saying that YOU are partners with Him in the
creation of your life.
(There are other explanations for this verse
too.)
God deals you a hand. There's nothing you can do
to change that. But you get to play that hand.
You get to respond to the events of your life.
And it's your response, your actions in the
future, which determine the meaning of the events
in your past.
So how do you get over the past?
You don't have to get over the past. The past is
over! What's important is the MEANING the past
has for you NOW. And the MEANING of your past is
determined by your actions in the future.
The people I know who have the best marriages are
people who went through hell in their
relationship. They "got over" their past because
they used it as a catalyst to IMPROVE their
situation. In other words, the painful events
inspired them to change themselves and their
marriage. And many people I know began this
process WITHOUT their spouse.
If you make the right moves, you
will come to view certain events as birth pains
that led to a new AND IMPROVED marriage.
THAT'S how you "get over" the
past.
It's strange how life works sometimes, but if you
play your hand right, your hurts become part of
your healing. And, in fact, when it comes to
relationships, it's usually bad times that awaken
people to search for new ways.

[Yesterday Is History]

I think that advice is also really useful for PAs. at least it was for me.