Has your partner said I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore?

[Disillusioned]

This is what an online marriage counselor has to say about this statement. I am somewhat relieved that I am not the only person that has had this said to them.... I feel great empathy for the other people who have heard someone they loved and held in high regard, say this to them...



Has your spouse told you, "I love
you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you?"

What does that statement mean?
A person who says, "I love you, but I'm not IN
LOVE with you," is making a distinction between 2
different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings
are love!
When a person says, "I love you, but I'm not IN
LOVE with you," they're saying that I CARE about
you but I'm not EXCITED about you.
CARING about someone is a good thing. It's
reflective of CONCERN. But it's different than
love. I care about the starving children in
Africa, but I don't love them.
Being EXCITED about someone is also a good thing.
But it's different than love. I might be excited
to have a relationship with the President of the
United States or a Hollywood star, but that
doesn't mean I love them.
While someone who says, "I love you, but I'm not
IN LOVE with you" seems to be making a
distinction between "different loves;" in fact,
they are expressing their confusion about what
love really is. And that's why they're having
marital problems and maybe even an affair
(because who are they IN LOVE with?).
Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary
of ACTION. Love is a verb. It's not a feeling you
get from another PERSON; it's an experience you
receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another
person.
And those deeds are not a secret. In other words,
love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things
you can do with your spouse to solve your
problems and build love in your marriage. Just
as there are physical laws of the universe (such
as gravity), there are also laws for
relationships. Just as the right diet and
exercise program makes you physically stronger,
certain habits in your relationship WILL make
your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and
effect. If you know and apply the laws, the
results are predictable...you can "make" love.

When this counselor hears a partner in a
Marriage say,"I love my spouse, but I'm not
IN LOVE with my spouse."
His immediate response is to ask, "Can you list
for me 5 ways in the last week that you've
DEMONSTRATED your love for your spouse?"
I usually hear noise on the other end of the
phone; grunts, partial statements, and gasps for
breath, but none of what I hear ever passes for
an answer to my question.
"I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you" is a
cop out. It basically means that I have no clue
how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I'm
exiting to get high from another short-term
romance. But whoever they're IN LOVE with now
will also eventually hear, "I love you, but I'm
not IN LOVE with you."
Of course, this is all fine and good, but it's
really your spouse who needs to hear this, right?
Do NOT print this email out and give it to them.
And do NOT tell them what I said.
Getting your spouse from "I love you, but I'm not
IN LOVE with you" to "Okay, let's give this
another chance" is a tricky task. If this is your
situation, it's crucial you handle it properly.
One false step and your marriage could be over.
If you take the right steps, you can draw your
spouse back in and begin to restore your marriage
TOGETHER andbring your spouse back
without applying pressure
that will drive them farther away.