iPhones

[Hibiscus]

Well, I finally bit the bullet and ordered iPhones. It makes me nervous, but I'm tired of living in fear and trying to control things. Ultimately, I know I can't control anything anyway - otherwise, this P thing would have been out of our lives years ago! My husband has been in recovery since Nov of last year. He doesn't have Internet access at work, so no temptation there. He spends very little time on the computer or my iPad at home, so that hasn't been an issue either. We don't have a lot of tv issues since we have DVRs. We mostly watch season passes of shows I'm comfortable with, with the added bonus of being able to fast forward through commercials. We check movies on media review sites for content before we watch them on TV or see them in theaters.

Considering he is pretty insulated from a lot of the stronger media triggers, I'm concerned about the implications of having the Internet in his pocket daily. While he assures me he has zero interest in going down that road, I've read too many threads on TTF where PAs have had run ins with triggers. I don't want to be naive and I often feel he is a little overconfident after a year plus of no P. Having read the painful posts of PAs with years of recovery who still fall off the wagon, I know vigilance is still necessary.

So, lay it on me - tell me everything you can think of that we should be aware of and any steps that would be helpful. I am not aware of any key loggers that work on iPhone. Are there any? Are there other apps that would be helpful, like browsers with filters? Are there certain settings on the phone that should be tweaked? Any helpful tips are very much appreciated. Thank you!

[Devastated2]

Hi Hibiscus I have an IPhone and my h has a Blackberry. While there is virtually no filter for Nlackberry (except surveillance software you can download onto the phone) Covenant Eyes does have an IPhone app. I know you would have to disable Safari (I think you can do this and set a password so it can't be used--not sure). Look into Covenant Eyes to see how it works. I know it's a difficult feeling to walk around with everyday when there are no filters. Good luck!

[Hibiscus]

Thank you, D2. We will definitely look into Covenant Eyes for iPhone, and I will also make sure to check out all the Safari setting options. Thankfully, he doesn't have much interest in browsing on the phone anyway. He's more interested in the apps (sports scores, weather, price checker, etc). He shares my iTunes acct, so hopefully that will make it very easy and reassuring to me that I know what's on there. Thanks for the tips!

[HopefulsRock]

Not to be a bummer here but if........

He doesn't have Internet access at work, so no temptation there. He spends very little time on the computer

Then why even get pocket internet?

But since you're already there then Covenant Eyes will help. I don't have one but for the folks I see who do... the I-Phone and the apps. are a neat technology but they do make it even easier and quicker to access whatever your looking to access and as for sports scores... some of the most risque' commercials out there are attached to sports like fleas on a dog and I recently heard a good quote, "If you lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas". Just be careful is all I'm trying to say because over confidence has been known to ruin the best of the best at anything in life, be it sports, academics, work, etc., etc.

[Hibiscus]

Hi, Rock. I understand the "why do it" questioning - I've questioned myself on that for quite some time, which is why it took this long to make the leap. I'm not sure I can convey how I feel accurately, but I don't necessarily see the iPhone as any more of a threat than anything he encounters on a daily basis. Ultimately, every challenge he faces comes down to a decision. He has to make the choice every day. I spent years trying to stay one step ahead and restrict and control our environment. But really it was pointless - if he wants to go back to it, he'll find a way to access it, iPhone or not.

For instance, one of his biggest triggers is a certain SI annual edition everyone is familiar with. He admits he had to make a conscious effort to avoid it earlier this year. Let's face it - it's in every store, even the grocery stores. Men bring it to work and his sports teams, there are commercials for it, and even tv specials. But he did avoid it and he felt really good about himself. There are so many other soft P rags out there that you can pick up at Target or the grocery store - and he has in the past.. We live in a metro area and there are no shortage of adult stores.

I know having that phone in his pocket makes it a bit easier, but we have talked about it a lot and I think we are taking reasonable precautions to make it unlikely he will run into anything questionable without making the conscious choice to do so. He says he doesn't even need a browser on the phone, so I'm just going to disable Safari. The sports scores I mentioned would be accessed through an app I found for our local team. It's a simple app that just lists statistics and scores in charts. This allows him to still keep current on the score, but not have to deal with the ads on sports websites. But what he's most excited about are the apps that let you scan UPC codes on price tags to find the best deal or get coupons sent directly to your phone. I teasingly call him "cheap"... he prefers "frugal", lol.

I ordered the new 4s for myself because I want the improved camera and the other bells and whistles. But we ordered the older 3 version for him...for all of .99 cents, lol. That way, it either of us finds it becoming a problem (him with temptation, me with worrying about it), it's out of here and we will switch to something simpler. But you know what, it's getting pretty darn difficult to even find cell options that aren't smart phones. I think everyone is going to have to deal with this situation eventually. Plus, smart phone or not, it can still be used for P. Before recovery he just used the camera to take pics of magazine photos and even had a "friend" who used to send him P pics in text messages.

The "beast", as you guys call it, always seems to be one step ahead. I'm tired of competing with it for control. The biggest shift that has occurred for me in my own recovery this past year is learning to let go of the extreme control attempts and let him lead his own recovery. If it's not coming from him and his own desire to regain his integrity, then it's pointless. I really get that now. It's scary, but I know it's absolute truth. I can support him, bring things to his attention, and we can take reasonable precautions together that reassures either or both of us. But he still has to make the choice, every single day. He has to want to make the right choice, just because it's the right thing to do - not because I'm standing there or he can't access it. That to me is true recovery.

I truly appreciate the concern, Rock, and you are one of the recovering PAs I look to as an example of what is possible in recovery and marriages dealing with this issue. We will absolutely be careful and I promise you I have put a lot of thought into this move. Just like I expect him to be completely honest with me, I will be completely honest with all of you and let you know how it's working out for us. Who knows - maybe I will be back here in a few months, eating my words...after smashing the damn thing with a hammer. ; )

[Disillusioned]

"The "beast", as you guys call it, always seems to be one step ahead. I'm tired of competing with it for control. The biggest shift that has occurred for me in my own recovery this past year is learning to let go of the extreme control attempts and let him lead his own recovery. If it's not coming from him and his own desire to regain his integrity, then it's pointless. I really get that now. It's scary, but I know it's absolute truth. I can support him, bring things to his attention, and we can take reasonable precautions together that reassures either or both of us. But he still has to make the choice, every single day. He has to want to make the right choice, just because it's the right thing to do - not because I'm standing there or he can't access it. That to me is true recovery." quote from Hibiscus....
I know. I've decided the same thing. I've wanted and waited and hoped. He says he is doing what he thinks is needed. There is nothing more I can do. I hope I am not crying here again. But it is up to him, whichever way he wants to go. The pull will always be there. At least, some of the faulty thinking has been identified and that is because of TTF. I think he thought I was the only woman in the world who felt the way most of the SOs on here do. I wish I had come across TTF sooner, and things may have evolved differently. He's still dragging his feet, but he's also reading and learning. I have to accept that and let go, just like you Hibiscus.
BTW he has one of these smart phones, and he will use it how according to his own control and discipline.
disillusioned

[HopefulsRock]

Hibiscus clearly you and your husband are in a good place and connecting well and I'm very happy to hear this. Sorry if I came off a little aggressive there but when it involves recoveries and possible triggers and I tend to wave the red flags if I think I see something... I go with the "better to overreact than not to react at all" way of thinking. You know best for your own situation and I really don't see overconfidence in you two because you've talked about the whole thing with many open and honest conversations and I'm sure you will continue to so I don't foresee you having to get the hammer out at all! I totally understand wanting to move on in our lives and I think we all want to get past this and back to a more normal existence once again and we are... but at our own pace and in a very gradual and cautious way. I'd say you two are doing just that... heck someones got to lead the way out of the flames and us Hopefuls look to the Hibiscus team as well!

Thanks for sharing your vulnerabilities and strengths it's much appreciated...

[maggie]

I'm joining in to this post because I fear the easy access of a smart phone....but I also feel it is everywhere if you are looking for it.

Rock.. Red flags exactly. I ignored all the red flags, smoke signals and flashing lights and now I'm dealing with the consequences.
It's not a perception or intelligence issue; it is more of an -- I'm at war and must remain vigilant! It's tiring being on guard duty!

My H is stubborn. Insists that he cannot use filters on his work computer or work issued laptop. It interferes with his communication with his company. It seems to be a true statement. His company issues the phone, a smart phone, and he promised to never go online with it one year ago. Now, he checks his email and looks for directions and other news items on the phone all the time. I'm tired of fighting. I'm not sure if he has to have a smart phone, I'm not sure exactly what he uses it for and it has a locked password.

Although he is sorry for what happened and he claims just thinking about any of it makes him sick and ashamed, all of these little factors, like passwords and smart phones, cause me to continue to lose trust & respect for him day by day. It is sad.

I doubt he's doing the P thing anymore, but I'll never know. His laptop computer w/o a filter and his smart phone are one click away from that world, but it is everywhere if you want to find it. If I had any choice in this situation I would remove the smart phone and I would put a filter on the computer. I don't have any choice because they are company issued, not his.

[Devastated2]

Hi MaggieDo you know if his company has filters on his work computer? Many do and that might alleviate some of your fears. It is hard. My h doesn't have any filter on his phone or computer either. While I'm confident he isn't doing anything wrong, I still think why take a chance? There is always the possibility it could happen again and not having protection from those possibilities seems silly to me. Hibiscus is right that there is no controlling this thing in any sense. I used to feel if a person is hell bent on viewing p, they will. Many here have found ways around filters. Many here have also thought they were 'ready' or in a stable enough place to remove those filters, only to find out the hard way that they were not. It's a difficult issue.

I'm joining in to this post because I fear the easy access of a smart phone....but I also feel it is everywhere if you are looking for it.Rock.. Red flags exactly. I ignored all the red flags, smoke signals and flashing lights and now I'm dealing with the consequences.It's not a perception or intelligence issue; it is more of an -- I'm at war and must remain vigilant! It's tiring being on guard duty!My H is stubborn. Insists that he cannot use filters on his work computer or work issued laptop. It interferes with his communication with his company. It seems to be a true statement. His company issues the phone, a smart phone, and he promised to never go online with it one year ago. Now, he checks his email and looks for directions and other news items on the phone all the time. I'm tired of fighting. I'm not sure if he has to have a smart phone, I'm not sure exactly what he uses it for and it has a locked password.Although he is sorry for what happened and he claims just thinking about any of it makes him sick and ashamed, all of these little factors, like passwords and smart phones, cause me to continue to lose trust & respect for him day by day. It is sad.I doubt he's doing the P thing anymore, but I'll never know. His laptop computer w/o a filter and his smart phone are one click away from that world, but it is everywhere if you want to find it. If I had any choice in this situation I would remove the smart phone and I would put a filter on the computer. I don't have any choice because they are company issued, not his.

[Hibiscus]

Hibiscus clearly you and your husband are in a good place and connecting well and I'm very happy to hear this. Sorry if I came off a little aggressive there but when it involves recoveries and possible triggers and I tend to wave the red flags if I think I see something... I go with the "better to overreact than not to react at all" way of thinking. You know best for your own situation and I really don't see overconfidence in you two because you've talked about the whole thing with many open and honest conversations and I'm sure you will continue to so I don't foresee you having to get the hammer out at all! I totally understand wanting to move on in our lives and I think we all want to get past this and back to a more normal existence once again and we are... but at our own pace and in a very gradual and cautious way.

No apologies needed, Rock! I asked everyone to "lay it on me" and I always appreciate your candor. You've been successful because you take the time to really think things through and err on the side of caution. I ended up taking the time to think about your post the entire day before I finally responded. I wanted to really mull it over and make sure I wasn't fooling myself. In the end, I still felt good about the decision because of the exact reason you stated - that we'd had many open conversations on this topic and I was comfortable with his answers and complete willingness to take whatever steps necessary to ensure this doesn't end up a step backwards.

I'd say you two are doing just that... heck someones got to lead the way out of the flames and us Hopefuls look to the Hibiscus team as well!Thanks for sharing your vulnerabilities and strengths it's much appreciated...

You have no idea how much that made me smile. To even think we could grow into one of the examples of positive change, after the many years of negative, is incredible. I never would have believed it possible even last fall. This past year has been mind bending. It's been the most emotional and one of the most difficult, but also one of the most life changing and rewarding. We would not be where we are so far, or even still together, had it not been for TTF and members like you and Hopeful. We still have a long way to go, but we have HOPE back in our lives... much like Hopeful & HopefulsRock. ; D