Keeping the ~Balance~

[HopefulsRock]

Hey everyone, after chatting with the guys last night about "self criticism" and how sometimes we get so absorbed in our own recoveries that we fail to see other things that are needed as well. Then one of my wise counsels pointed out how there has to be a balance and we need to be aware of it. Thanks for that ol' wise one Mac because that kind of cleared things up in my Rock of a noggin and I can see around the site and in my own recovery how the balance can certainly get out of whack at times if we're not careful. After conferring with our friend Gerald I realized how the balance I'm looking for is the balance between my recovery and Hopefuls because I believe when there's couples involved there are definitely two separate recoveries happening. As PA's it involves making necessary changes to our own behaviors and amends for mistakes of our past. While our SO's in most cases did nothing wrong and aren't looking to change but rather need to find someway to heal from the trauma of being betrayed by the one who's nearest and dearest to their heart. While a successful recovery by the PA is necessary for the SO's to successfully recover it is not the fix-all for both recoveries and there needs to be a balance.

So I'm putting this out there to all as to how do we maintain that balance.... ?

[HopefulsRock]

My first thought on this was how at the very beginning for me (D-Day... March 22, 2010) that balance was so out of whack and we were both scrambling soooo much in different directions that there was no balance at all! We were completely off the scales of anything we'd ever experienced in the past and were both reeling from the discovery. I believe her worse than me because she had no idea that her man could possibly be addicted to P & MB and if someone else were to tell her that she would not have believed it... sad but I think she needed to see it for herself. So it's pretty clear there's a commonality and a bond to our recoveries but they both have there own specific needs to be successful and get through this with our relationship in tact.

That was over 20 months ago and since then we've fought and read and learned lot's and several times have really reconnected in ways that myself have never felt before and I'm just now realizing that it's when that balance was just right and our two recoveries met in the middle so to speak. She has truly amazed me at her strength and it saddens me how much I stifled that strength in the past. I never want to dismiss her thoughts and feelings again and need to allow and encourage her to be herself and let those strengths come out. Myself, obviously sobriety from the addiction but way, way beyond that... I need to do all the things I say I will.... I need to listen and pay attention to her words, thoughts and feelings... I need to stand up for her and protect her from anything that threatens her well being... I need to believe in her and her thoughts... above all else, I need to love her unconditionally! That means without conditions whatsoever regardless of mistakes or any other human things she may be capable of (not that there are any) I'm just sayin!

[JenMac]

Hey Rock! Nice posts!
When I think of balance in relation to this, I think of communication firstly. I remember when this first happened for us, which was also March 22, 2010, it was an all or nothing approach we seemed to fall into. We were either communicating and dealing with this in a full force fashion, which put us both on high alert, or we were not talking about much at all. Neither way worked of course! And so as time went on, we learned that for us it was necessary to strike a balance with our communication. That balance came through talking about this in a continual manner. That sure helped us to avoid the extremes and the heart stopping stresses that came along with that.
I kind of look upon it as 3 recoveries. Yours, mine and ours! And all 3 feed each other.
Mac and I are very aware when we are losing our connection most often now. And when we realize it is happening, we work hard to get it back. Of course there will always be times in life when we are just busy, or just not engaged, but I think it is important to feed ourselves with what nurtures ourselves and our relationship. That is truly the most important thing. It is also coming to understand what is truly important in our lives, and while those situations that make life stressful at times may be important in the moment, they are most often not really most important in the grand scheme of things. By coming to know and appreciate that, we are working our way towards a more grateful life, and for me gratitude is huge in getting me to a better place.
Balance is necessary in everything in life Rock. Great topic!
Thanks for sharing!
Jenn