How long does it take to change and what should be done?

[crusader11]

So I am wondering. I've made it without P for months before but always went back. I take this as that my thought patterns were never changed, I just basically abstained through willpower, which I know from my other addictions this isn't the best way to stay quit. So I am wondering, what exactly will I need to do to change my mentality so that I will not return to P or M?

I know part of this is the junkie mentality in my mind, where I am in a constant state of needing a boost - that is at least part of the problem. So it can become very easy to replace P with another addiction if I'm not careful.

I know another part of it is mental programming. This is the way I have been wired for the past 20+ years.

I know there are many other complexities to the PA equation and I am looking forward to delving into them on these forums.

So, any advice for a newbie on how long this takes and what is the process?

Thanks in advance,
-G

[mell]

Crusader,

IMO, recovery is a lifelong process. It is not a matter of doing xxx amount of things and then we are fixed.

I'm a 12 step guy, I believe that we are led to our behaviors through our character defects. Something in us drives us to medicate through our addiction(s). The path to recovery is identifying these defects and making personal internal changes. Yes, the programming is bad. It can only be changed over time.

The good news is, through recovery we can see the light. We can begin our recovery and be rewarded through it. As we grow, we gain a better understanding of our selves and of reality.

The addiction makes our lives unmanageable. When we see that we can manage our lives, good things start to happen.

There will be struggles, that is life. If we learn to resolve the struggles in a healthy way, instead of detoying ourselves through our behaviors, then we can grow.

Although it is a lifelong process, the rewards will show up quickly. But we must always remember that we are addicts. There is no quick fix.

We can start to change today. It is up to us. One day at a time.

[burnedout]

Crusader

I don’t know where you come down on the benefits of psychoanalysis, but I’m a big believer in it. At its core, psychoanalysis is about “making the unconscious conscious,” figuring out what’s going on in your head. I think you have to really listen to yourself closely for maybe the first time in your life, and take yourself seriously. That may be especially difficult if people have discouraged you from doing this, as they have me, but it's totally worth it, in my opinion.

Just as an example of what you might uncover when you look inside yourself, here’s what I think is going on in my head: I have internalized all the voices of people who over the years have shouted at me, laughed at me, told me I was no good, slow and stupid, and, worst of all, too sensitive and overly emotional. What I believe now is that p and mb are just two of the many ineffectual methods I have turned to to quiet those voices, to imagine myself as all-powerful, the object of every woman’s desire and the object of every man’s envy. The problem with using sx to block feelings of humiliation is that you can be humiliated sxlly as well, and then what do you do?

It’s black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking: I’m either a god or a piece of dirt. I’m trying to replace that thinking now with the idea that I can be just a regular guy. I’m trying to see myself as someone who will have some occasional victories and some failures, but either way I’ll be basically okay. I want to build some stable base to return to after both the victory celebrations and the agony of defeat. A healthy and happy sx life will be part of that foundation, but it won’t be the only ingredient.

So I guess I’m basically trying to say what Mell already said in fewer words: inquire within. And, as for how long it takes, please see my signature. :)

John

[WayFarerNation]

There were a couple insights that came to mind in the beginning that helped me understand I needed to permanently change the behavior. This is ultimately personal I believe, but I also think we share the same ultimate reasons. As the previous two excellent posts point out, YOU will know what's best for YOU if you just ask yourself honestly.

I learned that P is ultimately insatiable. It always seemed to be the quick fix, and it was for a time, but it became less and less useful as a quick fix and more and more became like a moral liability to make it through the day. When a behavior gets to the point where I almost feel worse after engaging in it, I have to question it, even if it seems like it benefits me in some way. That is how it was for me.

Later on, I understood more clearly the concept of self forgiveness after failing to adhere to my new principles of abstaining from P over and over. This has been a strong benefit for me in other areas of my life now because I understand that forgiveness is crucial in changing any behavior in ourselves and others. Forgiveness always feels good when it comes from the right place, which is often personal to us as individuals but also ultimately shared in the more general sense. When I used P after promising myself I wouldn't, I felt so horrible that I almost felt like abandoning the abstention altogether. Instead, I learned I just had to acknowledge I made a mistake and that the pain I felt was so horrible in order to help me learn the correct behavior.

It's a struggle and you have to be patient. Patience and self forgiveness are what ultimately worked for me.