P, Passion, relationships

[JOla80]

My past dating pattern has been "I love the girls that do not love me and get bored with the ones who do."

1. This might be fine because I simply did not find the right one. I am 23 after all, I have only had 4 (1 barely counts) relationships that involved sleeping with the woman, so right now I'm 50-50.

2. P and MB might be the culprit.

My gut feeling which I typically trust is #1. However, the plot thickens. For the girls I was into there were 0 physical attraction doubts. My first girlfriend especially grew on me in a couple of days and before I knew it, P and MB were out of my life. I would MB thinking about her after she left my place and we had slept together. The girls I broke up with never solicited that response. To this day, I am still trying to physically replace my first gf. That is another topic involving the whole reason why the church says sleep only with your wife and keep yourself pure. They may cloak it in religion, but I bet psychology and dopamine play a big role in that...anyway, I digress.

A cynical guy on the net said that if you want to be honest with yourself, take the P test. After sleeping with your gf for a while go watch some P and MB. If you still want your girlfriend after that, you have the right one. You'll be 40 years old and she'll still attract you. If you don't, you're just lying to yourself.

I guess what I'm really getting at is this. If after all the healing and personal discipline I have a SO who is lovely but I still am attracted to other women, doesn't that mean that I'm just lying to myself? Love is one thing, but passion is another. I feel that I need to remove P and MB for a long time from my system to reset the hormonal clock so to speak. However, how do some of you out there know that you really want your SO or that maybe your craving for P is simply a reflection of a lack of passion and you are just lying to yourselves?

Please comment on any and all parts of this. Ask me questions too; this thread is the crux behind my questions regarding monogamy, passion, and how it mixes with P and MB.

[HopefulsRock]

JOLa80... Wow, you asked a lot in that post but I would guess that you're here because P and MB are consuming your life. If that's the case then you've come to a good place for support in that journey of recovering from this addiction and when you say this,

2. P and MB might be the culprit.

you are exactly right and because it has warped your thinking for a long time I'd say trusting your gut is not a good idea at this time. Rather you need to just use your better judgement when it comes to girls you meet.

To be honest though it seems to me that your getting ahead of yourself when you say this,

If after all the healing and personal discipline I have a SO who is lovely but I still am attracted to other women, doesn't that mean that I'm just lying to myself?

I'd say let's get through the personal discipline and healing first and then you'll see things with a better clarity. What I've seen with the younger guys here in recovery is that they really want to get their addiction under control before they get involved with a girl again. I guess what I'm say is that in my opinion maybe you should try slowing down a bit because like you said, your young! My friend... time is on your side! I have to commend you for that by the way because realizing this at a young age says a lot about your character and when you turn this around you'll have a long life free from this addiction. One thing for sure is you need to seek wise counsel in your recovery and learn from the ones who have already been there and made the mistakes and I'd say that what "A cynical guy on the net said" is not wise counsel at all.

Stay strong JOLa and the farther you put P behind you the more confidence will build in you and know that your not alone in this journey so turn here often!

[Teemo]

JOla,

I'm not sure I understand all that you are asking, but this part clicked with me: Will you have a SO in the future, and still find that you are attracted to other women? Well, I hope you do find someone you can love, hopefully forever! I wouldn't put too much value on not being attracted to anyone else. It's not being attracted that is the problem. It's believing that you have to act on it that is the problem. This addiction brings us to the place where "attraction" becomes overwhelming. We feel compelled to go and get what is not ours, in the imaginary world of p. What we see as our needs are really our over-fed appetites that have grown to be bigger than life.

No, attraction is not a problem. I do not hope that someday I will find that I am attracted only to my SO, but I do hope that someday my cravings will return to a level more like non-addicted men must experience.

[JOla80]

We feel compelled to go and get what is not ours, in the imaginary world of p. What we see as our needs are really our over-fed appetites that have grown to be bigger than life.

That is what struck me because I feel that the way I treat P images and films is the way I treat women. I go for what is not mine and I am warped. However, I am wondering when it becomes ok to tell yourself or your SO "look, I'm just not that attracted to you and therefore don't want to waste your time." I guess that is something I will only be able to tell when I am truly free of P and MB.

level more like non-addicted men must experience.

Back in high school about half of my friends ventured into marijuana, cigarettes or worse. In college, many were party animals. I wonder how many of these people are P and MB addicts as well. I can't imagine one of these potheads being addicted to weed but staying away from free, readily available P and MB. Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better, but I feel as if I cannot imagine that the majority of men out there would actually be P addiction free.

My goal is to see sex the way I see Halo 1 multiplayer (16 people, 4 TVs... those were the days), my favorite video game. It's something I really enjoy, but if I cannot play it for years, I will be fine. If I can play it I will partake, but if I cannot, I am content. Is that how a non-addict feels?

[metalfossil]

Hi JOLa80

I've been in ITs clutches for over forty years and as HopefulsRock mentioned, as you go through the healing process some things come to light. They might have lain under the murky depths of your pa for quite sometime but they will eventually become crystal clear. One thing that became clear to me, and one thing that you should be truly fearful of is placing your SO under the p spell. Wanting her to act out your Fs might seem innocent enough, but believe me it's destructive for your relationship.

Stay strong, visit here often. TTF is a beacon of light in the p sea.

MF

My past dating pattern has been "I love the girls that do not love me and get bored with the ones who do."

1. This might be fine because I simply did not find the right one. I am 23 after all, I have only had 4 (1 barely counts) relationships that involved sleeping with the woman, so right now I'm 50-50.

2. P and MB might be the culprit.

My gut feeling which I typically trust is #1. However, the plot thickens. For the girls I was into there were 0 physical attraction doubts. My first girlfriend especially grew on me in a couple of days and before I knew it, P and MB were out of my life. I would MB thinking about her after she left my place and we had slept together. The girls I broke up with never solicited that response. To this day, I am still trying to physically replace my first gf. That is another topic involving the whole reason why the church says sleep only with your wife and keep yourself pure. They may cloak it in religion, but I bet psychology and dopamine play a big role in that...anyway, I digress.

A cynical guy on the net said that if you want to be honest with yourself, take the P test. After sleeping with your gf for a while go watch some P and MB. If you still want your girlfriend after that, you have the right one. You'll be 40 years old and she'll still attract you. If you don't, you're just lying to yourself.

I guess what I'm really getting at is this. If after all the healing and personal discipline I have a SO who is lovely but I still am attracted to other women, doesn't that mean that I'm just lying to myself? Love is one thing, but passion is another. I feel that I need to remove P and MB for a long time from my system to reset the hormonal clock so to speak. However, how do some of you out there know that you really want your SO or that maybe your craving for P is simply a reflection of a lack of passion and you are just lying to yourselves?

Please comment on any and all parts of this. Ask me questions too; this thread is the crux behind my questions regarding monogamy, passion, and how it mixes with P and MB.

[JOla80]

I just found out about Dr. Carnes and am watching his youtube videos. I thought I knew a thing about PA, but this is going deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole. For one thing, I realize that everything I write is warped in ways I cannot imagine. Dr. Carnes says you need at least 40 days for the brain to stop seething and another 90 for it to rewire itself. Then you go through several months of massive emotional change as you essentially stop medicating yourself with P.

There are so many weird things that make complete sense. He says that ambitious men are much more likely to be P addicts. So perhaps those mellow potheads from high school really are not P addicts but it explains why I am much more likely to be a P and MB addict. I am ambitious and I want to achieve big goals.

He also says that if you try out P, weed, smoking, or get drunk by age 16 your brain will be seriously rewired. It is severely affected. Couple that up with internet P and its like the "methamphetamine" version of P according to Dr Carnes.

So bottom line is 40 days, then another 90, then the rest of my life. I want to see what happens and I hope it is good. Unfortunately, sex addiction clearly involves dating, sex and MB/P. So I need to be completely celibate for a while. Thank God I don't have a SO right now.