mb from both perspectives

[findingneverland]

Hello all-

I have tried to explore this site a little bit to get a take on opinions of mb from both a significant others perspective and that of the PA. Significant others- how do you feel about your partner mb without the use of p? And PA's, are you able to separate the two easily?

Just curious to get a variety of takes on this....

[ski218]

I'll just take on mb from the PA point of view. Although I can mb without p quite easily, I can't mb without lust. It is the lust that I have a big problem with. Maybe it would be okay if the lustful thoughts were restrained to my SO, but I think the mind of a PA is too messed up for that to be the case. If I were to mb, there would be thoughts of various women and images that have been burned into my brain from p. It is not okay for me to have these lustful thoughts about various women I see throughout the day. The easiest, and most pure way for me to put an end to this is to stop mb as well as p.

[HopefulsRock]

This probably is a good question but one that many would rather shy away from however I Believe after all I've put my wife through that abstaining from mb is a no-brainer and as I've said in various posts, I will never mb again as I've already lived that life and it damn near ruined mine!

I believe Ski218 said it as thoughtful and eloquently as humanly possible and I agree with his wise words!

[burnedout]

I MBd about someone this morning, and then had to face her a few hours later. I don't want that to happen anymore. I think I have to give it up, too.

[metalfossil]

This probably is a good question but one that many would rather shy away from however I Believe after all I've put my wife through that abstaining from mb is a no-brainer and as I've said in various posts, I will never mb again as I've already lived that life and it damn near ruined mine!

I believe Ski218 said it as thoughtful and eloquently as humanly possible and I agree with his wise words!

MB for a PA is a weighty issue indeed. We are brought up with the fact that it is a normal healthy part of a human beings sex drive. However a PA utilises it to get his fix, and as most long term PAs know, eventually we aren't able to MB without visual stimulation. It certainly is a sticky situation (no pun intended). There in is the problem. That's why in my eyes MB to P is cheating on your partner

Myself, I'm siding with HopefulsRock in this issue as I need to get my head around keeping The Beast out of my life. Perhaps way down the track I might be able to seperate PA and MB ino different issues.

[Jenny]

I am an SO. Maybe I am too raw with emotions still yet, but I don't want my PA to MB at all.
We were recenly seperated for a few weeks and due to our fighting before he left because of P, we weren't together before he left either. I knew it would be hard for him to abstain for so long since he has never done it before. I had told him, if it gets too tough call me and we can at least "work together over the phone". Well, when things got too tough for him, he didn't call me but tried to download on his phone but the internet was down on his phone, thank you divine intervention!
But his addiction is stronger than me. I know that. He has used P for maybe 30 years, more or less. And P and MB go together to him like peanut butter and jelly goes together for the rest of us. He cannot MB to just thoughts of me, he has too much data stored in his head. He has too much of a habit of thinking of others, than me. I don't believe he could just do it once and that is it. And I don't believe he could only think of me even if he didn't have a computer or magazine with him.
And since I don't expect him to MB, I don't either. It is hard for me at times not to, I could not imagine how it is for him. But I do know that because I don't MB anymore either, it adds to the excitment of being with my H. It adds to the passion we have because I did not expend my passion with myself.
That is my thoughts. I know it is conservative, but my H past P and MB use has made me this way. And you know what, I am proud of my decision. It makes the love I have for my H and share with my H that much more special. I do hope one day, my H feels the same way.

[dawn1952]

I'm an SO and, honestly, I understand that MB feels good. Okay. There have been times in my life (like right after I had my kids) when s*x was the last thing on my mind -- if my H was frustrated and MB helped him feel better, I understood. I almost expected it. After my divorce, I was in a very long-distance relationship for 3 years (he was in Japan), so, if my partner felt the need to MB when we were apart, I understood. Better that than going out and finding someone else which, thankfully, neither of them did while we were together.

What I take issue with is the fact that my ex-b/f MB's instead of having s*x with me. Now, I could say that his ED makes him embarrassed to approach me so, as he continues to claim, he "has to have s*x somehow". But I can't say that. I think he has been MB to P for at least 30 years, if not 40. A long, long time. Like people have said here, he may be impotent because of the P -- not doing P because of his ED. Because he will never talk to me about it, I guess I'll never know. All I can go on is what's in my heart and mind, which is a definite feeling of absolute rejection.

To answer Finding's question, at this point -- and from what I've gone through and learned from being in this relationship -- I wish he wouldn't MB at all. I believe he has so many images of so many women in his head at this point, that I'm not sure that, even when he's talking to me about what's for dinner, "body parts" and "come f- me" smiles aren't floating in front of his eyes. It's gotten that bad for me. I just don't trust him any more and I'm sick of feeling this way.

I, too have stopped MB -- but not because I want to make a point with him because he doesn't care. (He's told me to take care of myself. And that I should be glad he's having s*x at all and isn't out with other women.) I've stopped because, when I MB I'm thinking of him. I don't go looking at image after image, searching for that perfect one to get me off. I don't think about men I see on the street or who I work with. I think about him. So, now that I've become so repulsed by what he does, I don't want him that way any more. Those feelings are fading fast.

Now, I'm a little afraid. I'm afraid that this whole experience has jaded me, made me super-vigilant, made me un-trusting. I don't want to go into another relationship afraid of P. I don't want to think that every man I see is a PA (which is what I'm afraid I've been doing lately). I don't want to look at every other woman as a threat or think about her body parts and wonder if he'd lust after her. I wish I could find a man where MB is part of a healthy s*xuality we share together -- you know, he does it if I'm unavailable or not interested (like when I was 6,000 miles away or had just had a baby), but he really wants me. When he makes love with me, he's thinking about my body. His s*xuality isn't something hidden in a dark room with the computer monitor turned away from the door so he can do it any time he wants and I can't see the screen when I walk by ("this is my house!" he's yelled at me). It just feels so dirty and I can tell he's looking by the look on his face, the joy I see in his eyes (he's not gonna get that look from reading the news, as he claims he's doing) -- the joy he obviously doesn't get from looking at me.

Could he MB without P? Not any more. He even told me that once we "get together" as he calls it, he might need to have a movie playing to get him started. He asked if that was okay. I said yes because I didn't want to lose him, but inside my stomach was turning. I don't think he can have any form of s*x (MB included) without P any more.

Sorry for the long rant. Just going through a lot of feelings these days...

[findingneverland]

Thank you everyone for your very thoughtful responses. This thread has been an interesting one for me. I recently joined this site and am new to understanding all of this. PA's, all of you said that you don't want to mb any more because it triggers such vivid images of P. Just out of curiosity- and no one needs to respond to this because it is personal- are all things sexual for you triggers for P images? For example, real intimacy with your SO....do you think about how your SO could act differently to become more like those images that you've seen? Or are you truly satisfied with what you two experience together?

SO's I greatly empathize with your feelings. I originally posted this question because I am dealing with this in my life right now. My boyfriend, who is dealing with PA, and I have been apart from each other for a week. He has told me that every day he has mb'd and i just don't know how to feel about it. First, i am happy because progress is being made- at least he is telling me instead of hiding it. He says his thoughts are of me. Which i hope to believe, but struggle with given that all you PA's find it difficult to not think of the P. He has been very stressed with work and staying up late, all of which i know are triggers for some sort of sexual relief for him. I'm not a prude person and don't expect him to stay free of it. But, every day is a little worrisome for me.

That being said, I find that he abstaining from mb is my motivation to abstain from it as well. And without him stopping, I find my motivation to control my desires dwindles. This is a strange phenomena for me to deal with. In some ways it is extremely hypocritical of me. I agree with Jenny....i want to stay free from it because it makes the moments that we are together so passionate. Jenny and other SO's who feel the same way, would you find it difficult to abstain from it if your H mb'd? Again, I understand if you find it too personal of a question.

Thanks all for a good discussion!
-Finding

[Disillusioned]

I remember using a book by Dr.Dobson of Focus on the Family, when I taught my boys about the facts of life. Dr. D said he could find no biblical reference against m but in the lesson of the brother who spilled his seed rather than sleep with his deceased brother's wife in order to give his late brother an heir. For that reason, he taught that mb was a legitimate way for a young, unmarried male to relieve himself of s-xu-l tension. But that is far, IMO, from what we have in PA, where it must be accompanied by a bevy of young beauties in order to have a fulfilling experience. I had always thought MB was healthy and a way of stimulating the prostate and helping it drain, but the P purveyors have taken this to a level where it is not a natural release, but a way of getting a real chemical high, in that it can become addictive.
I don't know what the answer is, but I know it is not MB with images or memories of p.
disillusioned