Do You Need To Know?

[metalfossil]

The SOs journals here have been a source of 'what the ---- are you treating your partner in this way?' for me. The hurt and pain is palpable and moves me reading them. It also brings tears to my eyes knowing I've put my beautiful wife through the same hurt and pain. On the other hand I read from the PAs that the pull to act out and bring The Beast back into the relationship. I also read that many inform their SOs about this urge.

My question is to the SOs: You all know that your partners are experiencing this tug of war. Because of the pain associated with them viewing IT would you rather hear about how difficult it is for PAs not to view IT, or would you rather they kept it to themselves?

Myself, I don't tell L. I figure she wants to hear how beautiful she is, and how her eyes sparkle and turn that wonderful shade of blue that made me first fall in love with her, then hear how diificult it is not to look at IT. My wife has suffered enough from bringing P into our relationship, I'm not sure she wants to hear how difficult it is to keep The Beast at bay.

My thoughts and opinions only....

[findingneverland]

Metalfossil-

You pose an interesting question. As a SO, I have often battled with this. It is a double-edged sword in my opinion.

I know that once my boyfriend brings up how difficult it is to not look at it, my heart will ache. It will inevitably bring up feelings of insecurity, of lack of sexiness, etc. It's just the nature of The Beast coming from my perspective. It is sometimes difficult to keep that at bay when talking about it.

However, I fundamentally believe in open communication between partners. In my situation, I have been mislead several times into believing that the viewing of P was given up only to find out that it wasn't given up. While this was occurring, the subject was never even talked about by my partner. I was the one who had to address P and MB. Because of this lack of communication on such a private addiction, I NEED my partner to talk about it. I desperately need it even though, as i mentioned above, i know it might hurt. The effort put into communicating about it means so much to me.

I like what you said about what you tell your wife. You should definitely emphasize how beautiful she is, the way she makes you feel, etc. But in my opinion, I would also like to hear about your personal struggles to not view IT. It comes down to something that we all strive for--- a relationship where you are free to express all that you think and feel and being accepted and loved for it.

[JenMac]

My question is to the SOs: You all know that your partners are experiencing this tug of war. Because of the pain associated with them viewing IT would you rather hear about how difficult it is for PAs not to view IT, or would you rather they kept it to themselves?

Hi Metal!
A very difficult question to answer indeed!
On the one hand, it is important for honesty to be at the forefront of everything at this time. Without honesty there can be no trust after all. So while it may be extremely difficult to hear, it may in fact be a necessity.
On the other hand, hearing that our H's are attracted to or struggling with feelings or urges, is very difficult to hear when we are struggling with our own self worth. That is not an easy thing to listen to, in any way, shape or form. In fact, when I read how difficult it can be for some PAs, it can actually tick me off! It certainly can feel like a slap in the face to some extent.
Perhaps the advice that seems to be given a lot is really good. That advice is for PA's to seek out other accountability partners to confess to. That way they stay honest and forthright, while sparing their SOs the hard disclosures. Of course there are those here that believe they need to know everything in order to keep recovery moving in the direction they feel is necessary. And that is a valid point. But perhaps it is important to realize that this information, while important to get out on the PA's part, can be very damaging to the soul of the partner and should be considered carefully before being shared. Having an accountability partner to share with would take some of the pressure off both parties, at least until deciding what is important and agreed to be shared.
I guess it comes down to what each couple decides is best for them Metal. I have read compelling arguments for both ways of thinking.
Thanks for asking the tough questions Metal!
Jenn

[metalfossil]

Hi JenMac,

It really is a tough question. I know as I struggle with just what to reveal to L everyday. I associate the pull of IT like background music or static on the radio. It constantly runs around inside my head. After over forty years of having The Beast play a major role in my behaviour, I guess I'd be silly to think IT will let me go without a struggle. Today I had a victory and I really figured my SO needed to know. Her reaction was one of surprise and that was kind of her I thought. Honestly, my opinion. If I was a SO I wouldn't want to know. Especially if my self worth/esteem was already fragile.

Dave

[Hopeful]

Hi metal,

I agree with Jenn. There can be only so much we can handle as the partner of a PA. We do not need to know the details of every little battle that they have won, but we do need to know that when someone has tried to show them something, or if they were watching tv....that they took a stand for themselves and chose not to participate or look.

Just as my H does not know every little thought in my head I do not know his. It's a tough question because we want to know but we don't always need to know every little detail. Just that they are acting, behaving and thinking appropriately.

This makes me think of what I wish I knew when my kids were younger....choose your battles wisely. If it is something you can dismiss easily, then just do it. If it's something that was hard to do because of your peers then yes, discuss it with your SO.

[Devastated2]

For me personally--yes---I want & need to know. My guess is that'sbecause he is still not 100% comfortable with certain aspects of his PA.For instance, I don't know what his triggers are. He can't tell me, for whateverreason. Everytime I ask about how hard this is, he says he doesn't struggle withit. I know that's not true. Maybe that's why I need to know. It leaves too much tothe imagination. He also has access l a lot of technology and I can't control that. The end result is, the slightest, most benign thing I come across becomes suspect. Immediately I think he's been triggered and is acting out. It's just where your mindgoes when you don't know. I suppose neither of us is as healed as we might think weare. So, until that happens, yes I need to know.

Hi metal,I agree with Jenn. There can be only so much we can handle as the partner of a PA. We do not need to know the details of every little battle that they have won, but we do need to know that when someone has tried to show them something, or if they were watching tv....that they took a stand for themselves and chose not to participate or look.Just as my H does not know every little thought in my head I do not know his. It's a tough question because we want to know but we don't always need to know every little detail. Just that they are acting, behaving and thinking appropriately. This makes me think of what I wish I knew when my kids were younger....choose your battles wisely. If it is something you can dismiss easily, then just do it. If it's something that was hard to do because of your peers then yes, discuss it with your SO.

[Hibiscus]

The answer is simple MF - ask your wife. What we need is a little different for each of us and only your wife can fully define what she does and doesn't need to know. For myself, much like Hopeful, I don't need the nitty, gritty details but I do want to know if he faces something like a text message sent from a friend or a mag brought to a group sport he plays. I want to know when he is faced with something unexpected and how he handled it. I don't want or need to know each and every woman who crosses his path that he finds attractive. Too much information, lol. Besides, I've known my husband for 25 years - I'm (unfortunately for me) all too familiar with what he has found attractive over the years. I loved the sparkling eyes comment though, MF. I think compliments, as long as they are genuine, are a wonderful thing. The turmoil PA creates in a marriage takes so much of that away. If you are having a positive though or feeling about your wife, let it flow right out of your mouth. I read somewhere a long time ago, that for every negative remark or action, it takes at least 10 positive comments or actions to balance it back out. We all need to refill that positive column. ; )

[metalfossil]

Hello Hibiscus,

My wonderful SO has been very down last couple of days. Her stupid boss refused to get the a light sensor in her office repaired. So it meant she had to wave her arms at it to reset the bloody thing every few minutes. Consequently she has damaged the muscle in her shoulder and is in a lot of pain.Having said that, there were signals that I recognised when she had discovered signs of me acting out. I'm a divining rod as far as those signals go...I'm in the mid fifties with my day count, so I knew it wasn't that. It all came tumbling out this morning. Yesterday I made an off the cuff remark about hiding my computer history. I didn't realise that she didn't have a clue about this side of my p addiction. She informed me that she felt like a comlplete and utter loser as she never knew....Tonight before I came to work, we talked a little more and she informed me that she likes to hear about my victoiries. However, it feels like I'm rubbing her nose in it regarding the other things. It was very foolish of me to assume that even though she knew I was acting out, I'd hidden IT well.. It was also very brave of my wonderful wife to talk about this openly. I'm so very lucky.

The answer is simple MF - ask your wife. What we need is a little different for each of us and only your wife can fully define what she does and doesn't need to know. For myself, much like Hopeful, I don't need the nitty, gritty details but I do want to know if he faces something like a text message sent from a friend or a mag brought to a group sport he plays. I want to know when he is faced with something unexpected and how he handled it. I don't want or need to know each and every woman who crosses his path that he finds attractive. Too much information, lol. Besides, I've known my husband for 25 years - I'm (unfortunately for me) all too familiar with what he has found attractive over the years. I loved the sparkling eyes comment though, MF. I think compliments, as long as they are genuine, are a wonderful thing. The turmoil PA creates in a marriage takes so much of that away. If you are having a positive though or feeling about your wife, let it flow right out of your mouth. I read somewhere a long time ago, that for every negative remark or action, it takes at least 10 positive comments or actions to balance it back out. We all need to refill that positive column. ; )

[metalfossil]

Just re read my inital post in this thread. I don't ever think I will be comfortable dicussing how difficult The Beast makes it to stay away. And I don't think my SO would ever feel comfortable with that knowledge. My compromise is to tell my beautiful SO just how difficult it is to tear my eyes away from her. Yeah, I know, I'm a big suck ;-)

I love you L

[Daniel]

metalfossil,

You posed a great question and you've had that and more with the responses.

As you can tell the answer to the question is going to case-by-case, according to the needs of both parties, in particular the SO for real obvious reasons.

The sure-fire way to approach the issue is talking through your and L's expectations: what exactly does she need and want to know? How much are you willing to tell? Where is she struggling with Your Recovery? How can your honesty and open communication take her further down the road to rebuilding trust? Can the trust ever be totally rebuilt if you are withholding information?

I completely agree with the gist of the comments, too much information, detailing every victory, or detailing every wandering thought, is not productive or efficient.

But there are certain things that the SO will need. In my situation with Mrs. Daniel she wanted Honesty over everything else. The level of honesty required may vary week-to-week, month-to-month, etc., but there is an expectation that when it comes my PA issues, I will be honest with 1) Failures, 2) Big Victories, 3) Things that threw me for the proverbial look -usually surprises, etc.

This list will be different for every couple.

One thing for sure, since our PA when active was thriving on secrecy and lies of omission, honesty and transparency will play a central role in the recovery of the SO and her trust.

Daniel