help! 1st time poster

[sa32]

dear all,
i am new to online discussions and a group like this of any kind, but i really need some advice and support so will appreciate any and all comments and suggestions that anyone would care to post. i am married to a P addict. when we first got together he managed to hide his collection and habit really well, and then when i first realised what was really taking up all his time he made light of it and explained it away and i figured that before me he had been single for a really long time so perhaps it WAS just a normal single guy habit that would fade over time as our relationship progressed and he realised that he had an actual woman. however, over time it has just gotten worse. he now spends 2-6hrs a day searching for and using P, and now prefers it to real intimacy with me. he has amassed a massive collection (boxes of external hard drives) of P and says that its just past of who his is, that hes always done it, that he needs it and that i knew he did this before we got married and who do i think I am to expect him to change, im not that special.
we have discussed it (ive got to corner him to prevent him from rolling his eyes and walking away) and he now knows how degraded, unattractive and shamed it makes me feel but that isnt enough to alter his habits at all. its now no secret between us what hes doing twice a day- like clockwork jsut after he gets up and then again before bed. he even jokes about it. if he catches me being upset about it, it just causes a huge fight that solves nothing, ill still be hurt, he will still use and rub it in my face and then after fighting he will just be furious at me as well.

he prefers P to me and has said that he needs it otherwise he cant concentrate during the day or sleep at night.
even if he can bring himself to suffer through some actual intimacy with me, he will still then go and use P again before bed.
when i do get a chance to be intimate with him, its not normal (whatever 'normal' is) im not allowed to move or speak, just stay in whatever position suits him at the time while he uses me like virtual P. he doesnt understand why this upsets me either, since most times i will be satisfied. he doesnt understand that a climax isnt the whole goal in lovemaking between two peopel who supposedly care for one another.
its not just that im not getting the closeness, support, intimacy and bonding that this time usually enhances between a couple, its a horrible time for me as im just wondering who he wishes i really was, or looked like, or behaved like and who he is comparing me to and pretending i am during S.
i am so unhappy and not being able to discuss it with him or anyone has sent me to the brink, anti depressants dont help and he hates me taking them, doesnt understand and says what have i got to be depressed about, theres money in the bank, hes got a steady job, were both healthy etc.

is there any way forward with someone who refuses to acknowledge there is a problem and that we need change and that its just not normal?

please help
sorry if theres too much information here.
desperate and lonely and degraded.

[Charly22]

is there any way forward with someone who refuses to acknowledge there is a problem and that we need change and that its just not normal?

Forward, with someone who refuses to acknowledge, I don't think it is possible. He'll think it is. He'll think that everything's fine, and will say that you are the one with a problem. I am able to say this because I am convinced that he is definitely addicted. He is able to admit he "needs" it.

I am so thankful that you have found TTF, in order to not have to deal with this alone. There are alot of SOs, including me, who know exactly how you've been made to feel through all of this, who understand, who feel your pain and frustration.

But your question of "is it possible with someone who refuses to acknowledge", this all comes down to YOU. Its one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with in my whole life. I encourage you keep coming here, writing your feelings out, gain enough strength and courage to confront this. It is YOU who will set boundaries. It is YOU who will decide what you can and cannot live with. It is YOU who will have to keep dealing with the unhealthy consequences. It is YOU who has to make hard choices. It is YOU who will be affected.

Have you written your feelings out to him in a letter?

I hope you will feel welcome here, and find support and care, and look forward to you starting a journal.

Hugs!

[JenMac]

HI SA!
Welcome to TTF! I am sorry you find the need to be here at TTF, but I am glad you have found us since there is an obvious need for you to be here.
SA, your story saddens me. It is truly destruction to your spirit to have to deal with this.
SA, TTF has been such a blessing in my life since I discovered this secret in my H's life. I too felt so very alone in all of this. Coming here made all the difference in that way.
It is important at this time SA, for you to decide what you are willing to live with in your life. Time to set boundaries and to learn what is important to your health and wellbeing. I knew very early on that I could not live with P in my life and still maintain a sense of secureness and self esteem in my psyche. SA, you have every right to feel safe, loved and respected in your marriage. That is the very least of what we should expect. Don't let him convince you otherwise.
SA, I am so glad that you have found us! There are many wise and wonderfully caring people here who know exactly what you are feeling right now.
I invite you to start a journal in the SO section. Getting your thoughts and feelings out is important in all of this, and receiving support from others will be a Godsend as well. It is also suggested that you write a letter to your H expressing your feelings and thoughts. There is power in the written word after all. I know it was very important in my situation.
Sadly SA, noone can tell you whether your marriage can be saved. Only time will tell. But I can tell you that concentrating on yourself and what you need is the best thing you can do for yourself at this moment in time. Don't let his addiction such the life out of you. This is not your problem, this is not your fault in any way. Certainly it affects your greatly, no doubt about that. ButI do believe that by changing ourselves we can affect change in those around us!
I am sorry for your pain and heartache. I am saddened by the fact you need to be here at all. But happy that TTF is here for those of us who need to be here.
Sending you huge hugs and prayers SA!
And wishing you healing!
Jenn

[metalfossil]

dear all,
i am new to online discussions and a group like this of any kind, but i really need some advice and support so will appreciate any and all comments and suggestions that anyone would care to post. i am married to a P addict. when we first got together he managed to hide his collection and habit really well, and then when i first realised what was really taking up all his time he made light of it and explained it away and i figured that before me he had been single for a really long time so perhaps it WAS just a normal single guy habit that would fade over time as our relationship progressed and he realised that he had an actual woman. however, over time it has just gotten worse. he now spends 2-6hrs a day searching for and using P, and now prefers it to real intimacy with me. he has amassed a massive collection (boxes of external hard drives) of P and says that its just past of who his is, that hes always done it, that he needs it and that i knew he did this before we got married and who do i think I am to expect him to change, im not that special.
we have discussed it (ive got to corner him to prevent him from rolling his eyes and walking away) and he now knows how degraded, unattractive and shamed it makes me feel but that isnt enough to alter his habits at all. its now no secret between us what hes doing twice a day- like clockwork jsut after he gets up and then again before bed. he even jokes about it. if he catches me being upset about it, it just causes a huge fight that solves nothing, ill still be hurt, he will still use and rub it in my face and then after fighting he will just be furious at me as well.

he prefers P to me and has said that he needs it otherwise he cant concentrate during the day or sleep at night.
even if he can bring himself to suffer through some actual intimacy with me, he will still then go and use P again before bed.
when i do get a chance to be intimate with him, its not normal (whatever 'normal' is) im not allowed to move or speak, just stay in whatever position suits him at the time while he uses me like virtual P. he doesnt understand why this upsets me either, since most times i will be satisfied. he doesnt understand that a climax isnt the whole goal in lovemaking between two peopel who supposedly care for one another.
its not just that im not getting the closeness, support, intimacy and bonding that this time usually enhances between a couple, its a horrible time for me as im just wondering who he wishes i really was, or looked like, or behaved like and who he is comparing me to and pretending i am during S.
i am so unhappy and not being able to discuss it with him or anyone has sent me to the brink, anti depressants dont help and he hates me taking them, doesnt understand and says what have i got to be depressed about, theres money in the bank, hes got a steady job, were both healthy etc.

is there any way forward with someone who refuses to acknowledge there is a problem and that we need change and that its just not normal?

please help
sorry if theres too much information here.
desperate and lonely and degraded.

Hello,

I'm terribly sorry you are travelling down this dark, dark road.

First off, congrats on finding the strength to post here. You are in the safest hands....

My wonderful SO is in a similar predicament to what you're in. I wish I could explain why the pull of IT becomes more important than a warm tactile person; it truly leaves me baffled. My wife told me on numerous occasions to stop the P or lose her. For a little while her warning kept me away from The Beast; however as sure as the sun rises in the morning I was back at it again. It really wasn't the threat of losing my 23 year relationship that finally brought me here, it was the hurt and suffering, the pain and the tears on the face on one of the strongest people I know. It was that pain that broke through my selfish barrier and I finally realised that how can you tell this person that you love her and then go searching and d/loading pics and vids of total strangers. What a ----ing hypocrite.

No offence to any of the PAs on here. but us partners need to stop making excuses. Stop whining about how hard it is, and how we've stumbled and are back at day one again. Look at the pain you're causing. It is very difficult I know, but it is much more difficult for the SOs

This is a harsh reality check and I know my words might seem over the top, but you have to man up!

I see I digressed sa32, I hope some of this at least helped a little

Dave (MF)

[Disillusioned]

Dear MF,
Welcome to TTF. I am glad you are posting here. I am glad you are willing to take a sincere hard look at some of the choices you have made, how it hurt your SO, and your own reality. P is a diversion from dealing with one’s own life. It is all lies and deceit. It is degradation of the worst sort. It makes SOs feel that they lack something. The goal of being a well-adjusted adult is to know and be known. It is a generativity in producing something of value, whether this is a family, a project, a worthy goal. P subtracts from all of these. You cannot know or be known if you are walking in the fantasy land that P is. I welcome you to a place that can help you walk a higher road. Please read some of the journals posted here, both those of other PAs and other SOs. The pain is profound.
Dabbling in P, there is no warning stating how addictive this modern plague is, and the surgeon general should have been as interested in this as he was in making it known that tobacco is hazardous to your health. P is hazardous to your well-being, to your feeling good about yourself, to treating the woman you are with as a person of value, and to realize that other women are not here for you to look at and use as body parts for your amusement. They are real people, with feelings and needs that are as important as your own. Welcome to the real world and the rest of your life. I believe it is worth investing in, MF. I believe the goodness that is in you is calling out to be heard and to be allowed to grow and love in a real, intimate relationship. I believe you are wanting to follow the higher road and be the best person you were meant to be.
There are many others here who know how it feels to walk away from something so always available, so always seductive, so always ready. You must if you want to live your own life, and share yours with a committed partner.
My advice to you is to take note of when you are most likely to use, and then have a plan for when those times occur, so that you can do something else and take your mind of this urge. It is a fight, and it will test your will-power. It takes time and self-discipline to analyze when you are commonly called to P. Pick something real to do when that urge first hits. My h says that in his reading about addictions that if you can resist for 20 min. the urge becomes less. Make sure you keep up a level of physical activity, as this also will help you reduce the urge to use.
Good luck on your journey, MF. I can assure you that the better self that you were destined to be will be a worthwhile investment in getting this p thing out of your life, and in being present in your real world.
disillusioned

[Disillusioned]

I am a little confused as to who I am writing to, so I will now welcome SA to TTF. SA, I must tell you that I had reached the end of my rope when I found TTF, and the others here took me by the hand and helped me see where I wanted and needed to go. I will also say to you, that the pain caused by this addiction is a horrible waste of time and energy. It makes you feel like you are crazy when they tell you stuff like all men do this and things like, you are real to me, but the women of p,( pictures, strip shows, whatever adult venue catches their interest at any particular moment in time) are only fantasy. If you look back at the general discussion forum on this site you will see the 14 common ways PA can justify their use of P. I printed it and showed it to my h. He saw himself in one, and I took the list back and included comments he had made to me for all but one of these.

P tells them lies, and they tell us lies. The only truth in all of this is that it hurts in such a personal way. You also feel angry at yourself and wonder how you could have been naïve. I knew my h read PB before we were married. I thought when he got married and had a real live, loving partner in his life, he would give that up. No, he brought them along with us, as they were just too much to turn away from. That hurts so badly. I told him in year two how I felt about this, and he continued to hide it and use and escalate for 37 years. I never suspected. I just thought he was too morally noble to engage in the things he did.

Please continue to read some of the other journals, so you can see your feelings are not so alone. There are legions of us here, and our numbers grow everyday. It is even affecting young men who have never had a real relationship. P is a liar and a thief, and if allowed a foot in the door, it will destroy.

I am sorry you find yourself in pain and confusion, but I know this is the place to be and to find your own healing. Good luck on your journey, SA. I am hoping you find some way to be kind to yourself today. You deserve it and need it.
disillusioned

[metalfossil]

Hi sa32,

I completely agree with both of Disillusioned above posts. The comments that were directed at me were spot on. As was the wonderful advice that she passed on to you. Please visit here as often as possible and hopefully you will also be able to convince your SO to at least look at TTF. Some advice I was given a while back has stuck with me and I think needs passing on often: There are no noble excuses for bad behaviour.

Stay strong.

Dave

[Evidence_of_Grace]

sa32,

I am deeply sorry you are experiencing this. Being someone who is married and is grappling with P, I can relate, on a certain level, to your SO. I do not excuse his behavior by any means but do recognize that without his conscious effort towards stepping out of denial and taking consistant, measured steps towards emotional health, his behavior will continue. I advise 'tough love'. He is going to need something that will make him hit rock bottom, something to make him realize that his actions truly aren't acceptable.

I want to say too that, despite the fact your SO is dealing with this horrible struggle, and his actions make you feel horrible, please don't think it means there is anything wrong with you! You have value and worth external to your SO's struggle. Please be encouraged by that fact!

I echo the other posters' advice to keep on at TTF to share your thoughts and glean encouragement from others' journeys.

Stay strong!
~M

[ocja0201]

Change, as the old saying goes, comes from within. You can show someone truth but you cannot make them believe it. I agree with Evidence, you must show your husband tough love. Do not compromise with his behavior force a choice if his love is true he will choose you over that garbage. I wish to God somebody had forced me with an either or choice, I probably wouldn't be in the predicament I now find myself in if they had.

God bless,

-J