Self-Sabotage

[Hibiscus]

Mell said in his journal: "Things are great at home also, so that is another warning side - my addictive personality tends to drag things back down to a lower level when they are too good." That really struck a cord in me and made me wonder if this is a universal reaction and feeling among addicts. Looking back, this has been a pattern in our marriage that I have pointed out to my husband on more than one occasion, but that he didn't seem able or willing to acknowledge at the time. We would have a d-day and the subsequent drama and turmoil, followed by apologies and promises. Then we would eventually move into a period of intense connection - much more time spent together, lots of communication and intimacy. While a part of me would always feel "on guard" since we had been through this too many times prior, I would eventually reach a point of allowing myself to enjoy the happiness I was feeling in our relationship and start to feel safer in our marriage. Inevitably, it always felt like he would start to deliberately sabotage things at the point I felt they were the best they had been in a long time. It was so bewildering to me, and made it even more painful, that he would choose this path when things were going so well. Why is that? Is this more personality based or a very common trait among PAs? My husband has been in recovery for over 10 months, but I do worry that it will all fall apart again. I've read too many accounts of other PAs on TTF who return to making bad choices after long periods of recovery - and it scares the crap out of me every time I read another account! For those of you who have experienced this, what do you do to fight it? For those in marriages/relationships, are there things a SO can do to help? Are there signs we can look out for and bring to your attention? One of the things I have really taken to heart is Jen's and others comments about feeling the need to always keep this conversation going - to never get complacent. I am doing everything in my power to do that and I do think it's made a difference this time. But is there anything else I can or should be doing to help increase the odds in our favor and keep the forward momentum?

[basha]

Hibiscus

Is this more personality based or a very common trait among PAs?

I believe we PAs have what is called addictive personality or addiction prone personality. This personality type has the characters that you describe some of in your post. I can even name quite a few when describing my self. We all tend to have the same personality traits that predisposes us to PA and it could have led us to other types of addiction as well (Alcoholism, Substance abuse, gambling, even food and exercise) just to name a few. Most of us tend to have mood swings that seems to screw perfect situations and peaceful life besides impulsive behavior, lack of self esteem, nonconformity combined with a weak commitment to achievement. Some of us will keep guard towards known seriously harmful substance (drugs) and tend to go for less harmful ones (smoking) serve as "quick-fix" solutions for our life's problems and when P comes we convince ourselves that everyone do it, it normal so we do not feel the guilt. On the other hand, some will lose guard and go for even worse scenarios like drugs with increased stress and frustration. We have difficulty achieving our goals because we focus on the stress that comes with the process of getting to these goals. We cannot manage our stress levels and find it difficult to face stressful situations so we escape to our virtual P world or other addictions. We feel insecure in relationships and we constantly seek approval of others and developing lots of misunderstandings that contribute to the weakening of relationships.

Dealing with such personality could be challenging for a spouse sometimes. However, you mentioned that your husband has been in recovery for over 10 months, this means you are doing a great job and he loves you enough to the point that he would share this with you, some of of us would prefer to dies before any one especially SO would know about our life secret. what you can do is support, support, support!! and apparently you have been doing a great job with this.

Hope this helps!!

[burnedout]

Thank you basha. What I am hoping is that the behaviors and traits you have listed are learned rather than innate.
John

[basha]

Habit over comes habit :) Addicts tend to plan their lives around their addiction!! One's life does not change over night but when we taste the sweetness of our new life away from all the drama we create for ourselves, we would not wanna go back to the darkness again. I hope your husband is developing new habits and interests in his life by now. Also, a vacation or even a weekend away once in a while seems to REBOOT our systems and set the drama meters in our bodies to 0 again :)

[Hibiscus]

Thanks, Basha. It's interesting you mention this tendency toward other coping behaviors as well that may be deemed less harmful. My husband smoked for years but also gave that up last year. He passed the one year mark in August! I'm so proud of him and he says he feels so much better! He also used to binge drink, though not on a regular basis. He no longer does that either, so that's a huge improvement as well. Several years ago, after a previous P d-day, he briefly tried attending support group meetings. Unfortunately, because the other members stories sounded so extreme to him, he was uncomfortable with them and it further convinced him he didn't have a problem and didn't belong there. He still felt like his behavior was just normal, every guy does it type of behavior and that I was the one with the problem. He didn't didn't tell me that at the time - just lied and said he wouldn't engage in it anymore with no real intention of stopping permanently. He has always had the mood swings you mention and a tendency toward impulsive behavior, yet guarded against what he felt were more serious behaviors, like drugs. I'm glad he was at least able to keep things somewhat under control. So much of what you mention rings true, right down to seeking others approval. He craves that ego stroking. I hope you are right and he is feeling supported through this recovery. I hope it's making a difference and that this recovery is truly permanent. I do see changes in him that I have not seen in the past, including a big reduction in mood swings. When he does have them, he is much more able to pull himself out of them without creating drama to justify them. That's a huge change! Just that he is even acknowledging them and trying to turn it around quickly has had a huge impact on strengthening our marriage. I hope that is what's making the difference this time. I hope that these past months of being back to enjoying each other again is the fuel he needs to continue down this path indefinitely. FYI - he has vacation time coming up shortly and we do have some fun planned. Let the "re-set" begin, lol. ; )

[Hibiscus]

Burnedout, whether innate or learned, I do believe those behaviors and reactions can change. I think the longer you are in true recovery, the more clear your mind becomes and you are able to see where you have the power to make different choices. But I think a huge part of that is understanding that true recovery is more than just giving up the P and other addictive behaviors. It's about being brave enough to tackle whatever personal issues led you there in the first place and being willing to deal with the consequences. The more steps you take to making changes within, and the more you are willing to extend yourself toward helping others who were hurt by those behaviors, the closer you grow to becoming the best of who you are meant to be. You're doing the work and it will make the difference. My husband has been involved with P for close to 40 years. But this is the first time he has made the commitment to working on recovery and it is the first time I have seen big, tangible changes in him. More importantly, he has seen those changes in himself...and that has made all the difference. I know a lot of PAs somehow feel they are "less than" or simply deeply flawed people. I think that feeds into a self-perpetuating cycle of deeper addiction. It kind of becomes a "why bother since I'm already so screwed up" state of mind. But all of you are so much more. Yes, you made bad choices - but you are not bad people. Past mistakes do not have to define you the rest of your lives. From the moment you choose true recovery, you are a better person then you were just the moment prior to that new, healthier choice. Embrace it and allow yourself to feel proud of it. : )

[WayFarerNation]

Giving up P comes from within me. Afterwards, that feeling coming from within doesn't stop, and often makes me feel I need to confront things I'm not comfortable with. If I promise myself I will be patient, the change from within seems to slow its roll to a comfortable pace for me. Self sabotage occurs with me when I get overwhelmed by the problems I have to face beyond overcoming my own vices.

[mell]

In my SAA meeting yesterday, we read a meditation that talked about the addict expecting perfection. After acting out (bottoming on the addictive cycle) he / she vows to never do ..... again. This is impossible without the life changes necessary to recover. Without those changes, problems are left unresolved and life's daily struggles come back. Without proper coping skills, the result usually leads to acting out again, eventually. I believe this is all a part of the addictive personality working its cycle in the addict. I can remember myself as a pre teen kid vowing to never misbehave again after I got in trouble for something - impossible expectations.

In my case (and I would guess many others) recovery requires a total life change and it centers on resolution of the daily stresses that happen in life. I try to focus on a meditation I read some time ago "anger fed is dead". If I acknowledge my anger (or any other character defect for that matter) and at the very least, tell somebody about it, it does not sit and fester. That starts the resolution process and prevents me from going into victim mode.

[healme]

Hibiscus,

I know a lot of PAs somehow feel they are "less than" or simply deeply flawed people. I think that feeds into a self-perpetuating cycle of deeper addiction. It kind of becomes a "why bother since I'm already so screwed up" state of mind. But all of you are so much more. Yes, you made bad choices - but you are not bad people. Past mistakes do not have to define you the rest of your lives. From the moment you choose true recovery, you are a better person then you were just the moment prior to that new, healthier choice. Embrace it and allow yourself to feel proud of it. : )

I think I need to send this to WF. He really needs to hear these words right.

Well said
Thank-you for your wisdom
H

[burnedout]

Self-sabotage in my case now takes the form of self-destructive thoughts, rather than actions. I count that as progress--incremental, but progress regardless. It seems like the strength of those negative thoughts is in direct proportion to how nice I just was to somebody. This weekend, I helped my wife practice a major presentation she gave just a couple hours ago, basically acting as a sounding board and offering whatever wisdom I've learned from studying public speaking. She was really grateful, and it felt so good to help her.

Afterward, my mind was racing. I was excited, thinking about all kinds of possibilities. I couldn't sleep. Eventually, the thoughts turned ugly and very upsetting. It's like I cannot stand to have anything good happen to me for very long. The higher I climb, the more afraid I am of falling. I'm like a dog that has to roll around in its own filth after a bath. I think I am just really scared to give up these behaviors that I've held on to for so long.