Change in Attitude

[TYC113]

Hey, this is to all my PA. I am asking this question to all of you. I know I have only been here for one week, but I am wanting to ask all of you a question. I noticed while reflecting on my life that whenever I watched P, that I was highly irritable, depressed, and angry at the rest of the world. I mean, my story tells of that very much. I would yell at people and tell them off all the time. But now I want to change that and become peaceful and gentle, and joyful. So I wanted to ask some of you guys since I am new: What were you guys like when you used to always watch P? And what are your personalities like now since you have joined this site? I'm just asking.

TyC113

[burnedout]

Great question, Ty. I would say that I've been difficult to be around most of my life in most of the ways you describe. It seems like I was born that way, but at some point you have to take ownership of it, like you would any disadvantage. P seemed to send all my bad qualities into overdrive, no doubt about it. Since I gave it up, I think I've become much more pleasant toward others. Or maybe I was able to give it up because I worked on myself. I'm not sure which came first. They're both important changes to make, though.

I can still feel all the old anxieties and anger, the need to be right, the perfectionism, the sense of entitlement, the depression, the fear, the jealousy, the self-critical voices, etc., percolating beneath the surface. The difference seems to be that I'm much more aware of it all now, and much more able to step back and observe it, defuse it, and keep myself from acting on it. Things are still not 100% where I'd like them to be, but they're much better.

John

[TYC113]

Thank you so very much for that, Burnout. I definitely identify with the last part of the story. I still have those perfectionist tendencies, that fear, self-criticisms in my mind. It is definitely running through my mind. I hear sometimes that I am not able to be saved. I'm too far gone to turn back. But I am able to remember that it's never too late. That is what I am glad for. I really like that. It is very hard to deal with, but I feel myself doing it sometimes. That's why I am glad to be on here, because I can hear you guys and get help from you guys. I really appreciate it every time because your wisdom is great.

And you weren't a very pleasant person with P around like me. I do wonder like you've been wondering if P makes us angry or what. Just a thought.

[HopefulsRock]

Yes TY, good questions and there's nothing wrong with asking them because we're all here looking for answers! Burnedout makes some excellent points... "anxieties and anger, the need to be right, the perfectionism, the sense of entitlement, the depression, the fear, the jealousy, the self-critical voices, etc." ...those are all qualities I used to have and I'm glad that I now recognize them and looking to rid myself of everyone of them! The need to be right and perfectionism are two that stand out to me as big things I had to overcome and having my PA & MB addiction discovered was what kick started me and humbled me into realizing that I am not always right! ...by no means perfect! ...and certainly entitled to nothing in this world! ...except maybe to get what you deserve! After that I feel it's very necessary and important like John said above that you - take ownership of it! I don't know if I'd call it a disadvantage though but more like just the qualities and characteristics we're born with and what makes you you! After that it's choices and decisions you make in this life that you have to own up to and take responsibility for and then make amends and move on in a positive way if your looking to better yourself! Let's face it, in this life you can't be someone else or miraculously have their qualities but slowly over time and with due diligence you can change what you don't like about yourself and become that man you want to be!

...Take ownership of it all TY and then ownership of your qualities and characteristics and run with it! ...you gotta run what you brung so to speak my friend! You'll get there, just remember that it's a process not a quick fix but like my Buddy Mac always says... Progress not Perfection!

[TYC113]

So true, Hopefulsrock, we can at any moment change ourselves and decide to be something more. I always agree with that. And I agree, I actually am so grateful for the dream that I had so that I could realize I had an addiction. I am so grateful for it because I realized that I am nowhere near great. I am so far off it. I must keep remembering that I am not entitled to things and remember to constantly have humility in life. I must remember that humility is a virtue, and that when I got ****y is when I started falling. I must take responsibility for my shortcomings and stop blaming it on other things. It is I who messed up or fell away. But I must also remember that it is never too late for me. I can always come back. I sometimes forget that after a mess up, I can come back. Thank you Hopefulsrock, for that, and thank you Burnedout. I can use that. I must remember to stand strong and fight against my old self. It's so hard.

[Mac]

Hey There TY
Irritable, depressed, angry.
I was all of these things during my P use.
Quit the P, and I quit the irritability, depression and anger. Seems like a pretty simple solution.
I would say every PA i have ever talked to here has suffered from this to some degree.

Mac

[TYC113]

Cool. That sounds great. I'm glad that has changed about you. I guess what I want to know is how long do you think it took before you could realize a change?

[TooSensitive]

Tyc, I know you asked your question of the other PAs here. I am a partner, but I had a few quick observations of my h that I wanted to share with you.

I believe it is not one or the other. I believe an addict must do both. He must not only quit the p and become sober, but also, he must do that hard work on himself. It isn’t one or the other. It is a combination of the two. B/c to only become sober is really only white-knuckling it. Without working on the underlying issues, it will be difficult to remain sober. And I don’t know how someone could become sober, without working on themselves.

According to my h, he no longer views p. Yet I continue to see that irritability, that anger seething underneath the surface, that need for control, that jealousy, that lack of self-esteem and self-worth, and enough of the other negative behaviors that he is much more prone to exhibiting than I am.

So I am left questioning the level of his sobriety, b/c I am still seeing a lot of the negative behaviors. No, I don’t see them as often as I once did. But I still see them, and often enough. I don’t expect perfection, but I do expect better than what he has shown me and given me. The negative behaviors persist b/c he has not done enough of his own inner work.

He continues to put his own negative stuff ahead of my very reasonable needs. Doesn’t make for a good relationship. I do hope you are able to work on yourself and get yourself to where you’d like to be. It makes it easier to maintain a belief in yourself, it makes it easier to remain sober, and it makes it easier to have a great relationship, when that opportunity comes along for you in the future.

It is best if we are happy with ourselves first, instead of thinking that if only we had someone in our lives, we would then be happy. It isn’t fair to expect someone else to complete us, and it isn’t fair to make them responsible for our happiness, b/c that never works in the long-term. But I know I am not telling you anything you don’t already know for yourself.

I think that b/c you are very aware of your negative tendencies to your personality, and b/c you acknowledge the positive changes you’d like to make in your attitude, that you will eventually be successful. But I feel it will be impossible to achieve, if you don’t also couple that with quitting the p and mb. I tell you this in the hopes it will inspire you and give you the needed strength to stay away from mb and p.

It seems quitting the p/mb happens first, and that needs to be followed with doing that work on yourself. The two phases of recovery together then makes it easier for you to maintain not only your sobriety, but also, maintain a good attitude within. I don’t believe one can be done successfully without the other.

I think it is wonderful and encouraging that you are seeking all this knowledge and understanding for yourself. I believe it will serve you well. I believe your willingness and desire to recover will serve you well, too.

[burnedout]

And you weren't a very pleasant person with P around like me. I do wonder like you've been wondering if P makes us angry or what. Just a thought.

So much more to say on this, especially as I'm still struggling to be better, but I'll limit myself to the above question. Basically, I think I felt subconsciously that I had some kind of right to take regular flights from reality, and when someone or something came along to jolt me back to reality, I felt resentful, as if I had been violated. Thus, I lashed out, and the deeper into my escapist behavior I got, the more dramatic my reaction when that inevitable cold slap in the face came along.

[TYC113]

OK. That is a great answer. I really appreciate it. I felt that I had the right to do what I wanted and no one should tell me what to do or not to do. If I wanted to watch P, it's no one's business. So I lashed out whenever people told me that P was bad, and got angry whenever somebody tried to tell me what to do. It reflected in my personality. I didn't want to take advice from people and was hostile whenever somebody did. So I feel that P addiction reflected in all parts of my personality.