What is "sexual sobriety" for a p addict? from another site

[Disillusioned]

[h=1]How Does a Sexual Addict Define Sobriety?[/h] In order for recovery to take place from any addiction, there must be some bottom line definition of sobriety. For the alcoholic this is a simple definition, alcoholics and drug addicts define sobriety as being the amount of time they have abstained from the use of alcohol and other mind-altering chemicals.
The time away from the use of these substances is the recovering persons’ sobriety time, the date they began this sobriety or the date they entered 12 step recovery, is used as a sobriety date. Example: “I stopped using drugs and alcohol on June 15th 1987, therefore I am over 10 years sober.”
For the recovering sexual addict however, sobriety can be a more challenging to define. Unlike sobriety from the use of substances, sexual sobriety is rarely considered to be complete abstinence from sex, though at times recovering persons may use complete sexual abstinence (celibacy) for short periods of time while gaining personal perspective or addressing a particular issue. Sexual sobriety is most often defined as a contract that that the sexual addict makes between him/herself and their 12 step recovery support and/or their therapist/clergy. These contracts or “sex plans” are always written and involve clearly defined concrete behaviors from which the sexual addict has committed to abstain in order to define their sobriety.
Some sexual recovery plans have very strictly defined boundaries and as such are fairly black and white. For example: “No sexual activity of any kind outside of a committed marital relationship”, could be one such definition. For others, sexual sobriety can be delineated as abstinence from sexual activity which causes the person to feel shameful, to hold secrets or that is illegal or abusive to others. These more personal definitions may change over time as the recovering person evolves in their understanding of the disease. An example of such a plan might be: “I am sober as long as I do not pay for sex, go to strip clubs, or use pornography”. Another example might be: “I am sober as long as I do not engage in anonymous sex, sex in public places or sex with persons from the phone lines or computer.” These definitions are always discussed at least one other recovering person, therapist or clergy and are not changed without thorough discussion and understanding.
The underlying motive for a concisely written sexual plan, beyond a clear definition of unwanted specific sexual or romantic behavior, is to offer the sex addict an ongoing recovery reminder, even in the face of challenging circumstances. A characteristic of addiction, particularly for sexual addicts, is their difficulty maintaining a clear focus on personal beliefs, values and goals, when faced with situations which potentially involve intensity, arousal, stimulation and impulsive acting-out. This is where the best of intentions, the “please trust me just one more time” and all of the promises “to be good”, go out the window. Without clearly defined boundaries, the sex addict is vulnerable to deciding “in the moment” what action is best for him/her. Unfortunately, most addicts’ “in the moment” decisions are not the ones which lead them toward their long term goals and beliefs. The sexual plan helps to maintain a clear focus on recovery choices regardless of situation or momentary motive.

[TooSensitive]

Most of us here have already read this before, but it is a good reminder for veterans battling this, as well as being new information for some of those just joining the battle.

I wish they would add the SO/partner/spouse when listing those parties with whom the addict is under contract. Against her will, this addiction becomes a huge part of her life, too. Shouldn't she be mentioned as being part of that commitment he makes too? By leaving her off this list, it sends the message that she is not important enough to include, or not important enough to warrant even being mentioned. I find this offensive, but I also know that has alot to do with the psychological damage that impacted our relationship due to all the interference caused by my h's sponsor and his group, when it came to our relationship. Not that our relationship was to be the focus when he was in early recovery, but to leave it out altogether in the process created even more damage than what had already been sustained up to that point.

But all in all, generally-speaking, this is good information, and it is still better that an addict builds a recovery circle for himself, even if that circle doesn't yet include his wife. But in speaking from personal experience, if too much time goes by without a wife being part of the process in some way, it further harms the relationship.

By leaving her off the list, it just makes it sound like it isn’t necessary for the addict to make any commitment to her, but only to himself and everyone else in his recovery circle. To leave her off this list feels hurtful and offensive to me, b/c I have already lived through what it feels like to be left out, when it came to so many aspects of my h’s recovery.

Since my h is now beginning to open up to me, I am trying to let this be water under the bridge. But that is easier said than done.

I guess what I am trying to say is directed towards anyone new reading this, or even a veteran who still hasn’t included his wife as much as he should, in the ways she needs, to please remember that she too is in this with you. Don’t forsake her, for the sake of those in your recovery circle. You need to make just as much of a commitment to her to remain sober. It can’t just be for you and for those whom you make yourself accountable. She needs you to make that commitment to her, too.