Thanks to SOs

[rumblebuffin]

I still feel like I'm pretty new to this site, but the encouragement and support of everyone has been a HUGE help so far.

One of the things that has helped me a LOT on this site, is to see things from the SO's perspective. I've never had a SO, as I decided a long time ago that I would never enter into a relationship until I had my P and M addictions under control. I always knew these addictions were detrimental to healthy relationships, but I never realized to what extent. From what you've all shared on this site, I'm beginning to see just a glimpse of how much pain/heartache these addictions cause you. I can certainly say my eyes have been opened! Thanks so much for sharing, and for all your support.

[Charly22]

Your post has me compelled to share the following with you, and others, a post from my own journal, from a time awhile ago that I wrote this from my heart, from my pain, from the black hole that I was swirling in, I hope noone takes offense and sees it as rumblebuffin stated, it is a SO perspective:

I am not like you. I am a woman. I am an emotional person. My needs and desires stem from an emotional connection, feeling close and intimate, safe and protected, exclusive. The fact that today's world has turned all this voyerism stuff into something as accepted and normal rob me of all that. Why? Because your attention is diverted elsewhere. If it was a true live woman that you were having an affair with, the betrayal and the offensiveness of that would be understood. But does it not stem from the same place inside of you? Is it not the same place inside of you that gets stimulated whether it is a real live woman, or one on a video screen? It reminds me of something like Charles Manson (a bit extreme I know, but hear me out) He sat back and let everyone else get their hands dirty, while he watched. Or the Roman Emperors who sat in their high thrones while the people suffered for their entertainment. And those who are "entertained" want to say "I didn't do anything wrong". This is the same type of thinking that goes on with this stuff. It is just looking. What is wrong with it? Another example....Bill Clinton and his refusal to admit that he did cross a line, that he did in fact betray his wife, but all he could say was "I did not have sexual relations with that girl"......PPpppfffffttttt!!!

So, because I am a woman, and am not compelled by imagery, and was not able to keep up with your appetite for it, and desired to have all of your sexual attention, you became resentful toward me, because I wanted it under our feet, instead of in between us. Because I was an open minded gal when you met me, because I was naive, because it got its hooks in you, and blinded you, and consumed all of your sexual energy, and took your attention away from me. You would say that you never neglected me in that way. What was neglected were my feelings, my heart, my need to feel like you were more concerned with me, than p. Nope, my t&a never went neglected, that's for sure. But my heart was neglected.

Your behavior toward p is what makes me know it is a threat to me. Your attachment to it is what makes it a threat to me. Your ability to not be able to honor and respect my feelings is why it is a threat to me. This is MY sexuality and intimacy that is being affected. It's not like this is some golf hobby of yours that I'm being jealous of when I shouldn't be. This is MY sexuality and intimacy and ability to be all I can be for you, that you are damaging. This is MY connection to you in that arena that you are cutting every time you keep reaching for p. The cord keeps getting shorter and shorter, tighter and tighter, harder and harder to mend each time. My sexuality and ability to be intimate with you is like a flower, who needs sun and water to thrive, and you give my sun and water to something other than me, and then you'll wish I was taller, greener, stronger, more colorful, and make me feel like I should be able to be all those things on my own.

And now, even though you want to regress and say "ok, I'll just do it a little bit now", it's too late. I have come to see what it is to you, to all men, I have come to hate it. I have come to view it just like it is your mistress. I cannot be tolerant of it no more. You are asking me to say ok to cheating on me just every once in awhile, instead of every day. I cannot accept that. I cannot accept it. I cannot. It has turned my heart very sour and I can no longer accept it as your second fiddle. I want it gone! I will accept nothing less. Is this me trying to tell you what you can and cannot do? No....this is me saying what I, myself, can or cannot do. I cannot view you and I as an exclusive close safe relationship if you will always disregard my needs.

I am back to feeling fear. I am back to feeling uncertain. I am back to feeling these feelings consume my physical body. As much as I try to force my heart to know that you are the most wonderful man that I have ever known. I know you treat me like a princess, and love me and cherish me. But you are touching on MY own primal instincts now. That no matter how much society wants to tell me "oh, its just looking"...and no matter how much you try to convince me that it doesn't mean you don't love me, I am still having those primal instincts invoked. Those feelings of infidelity. I can't help it.

This p addiction causes you to split yourself in two. The one side who refuses to let go of his attachment to p. The other who wants to love and please the one and only light in his life. I married you. I have devoted my whole existence to YOU. I am your mirror. You are mine. When you split in two, it cause me to split in two. Whatever you do, reflects back at you through me, and vice versa. But you blame me for not being able to still stand as a whole person. You blame me for not being able to accept you as you are. You blame me for not just being able to love you anyway. "Honey, I sought out and was turned on by other women, but you should still love me anyway".

TORTURE!!!!! PURE TORTURE!!!!!

You are asking me to take on feelings and views that make being in a relationship useless. You are asking me to make myself happy. Not to depend on you for my happiness. You know what, what you say is true to some extent. But when it comes to feeling secure and safe in a relationship, I cannot make that happen by myself. It requires you to make me feel safe and trusting with you. I am happy within my own self. I am happy with myself. I am happy that I no longer shove my feelings down just to avoid an argument. I am happy that I no longer allow myself to be used as an object. I am happy that have found my self worth. I am happy that I have learned to speak up for myself and what it is that I need. I am happy that I have learned from my mistakes. I am happy that I love you with all my heart and soul. I am happy with ME.

And these are just the reasons, once again, why I have a problem with this p addiction and can no longer stand side by side with it. This is just the beginning of the damage. The lies and lack of trust because of the lies is going to be a whole other issue that I have to deal with and hope and pray, some way, that you'll be able to help me with that. It is my trust that you have broken. It is YOUR job to repair, not mine. It is impossible for me to fix what you broke. Only you can show someone that you are trust worthy. Only you can prove to someone that you are no longer going to lie. Only you can prove to someone what you are capable of.

I am scared to death that as long as we keep playing these silly games of back and forth, on and off, cycle in and out, argue and make up, cry and smile, that we are going to slowly and slowly chip away at what we have until niether one of us have nothing left for the other. I have to quit playing this game. Something's gotta change or we are going to slowly kill our love for one another. No relationship can survive what you are asking. None.

I am not the only one who feels this way. Any women would have come to see and feel exactly as I do. It is not because I am naturally insecure. It is not because I am weak and unable. It is not because of my unliberal views. It is because of the damage p keeps inflicting upon BOTH OF US!

BOTH OF US

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

R-

I want to thank you for being self aware enough to know your current behavior is detrimental to a healthy relationship. Not enough people are aware of this, even though it seems like if you must lie to maintain a relationship, it should be a no-brainer.

I hope and pray that you commit to recovery and never go back to behavior that harms you and others. If you do find yourself in a relationship at some point, I encourage you to be honest about your struggles. An addict in recovery is still an addict and the best way to stay clean is to be honest with yourself and others.