I confronted him finally...

[rose22]

I added this under my journals, but I realize I need to make a post about it because I am SO upset I just need the feedback and support from all you amazing SO's.

Well, this evening I logged into MY computer, and lo an behold ALL my internet history/cookies/and cache had been deleted. DH had been alone with the computer earlier. I had to say something. I asked him what had happened. He got defensive right away, I never even brought up P...he did! I said, I am not accusing you of P, I want to know why you deleted my passwords and history. He lied and lied. Finally I took him by the hand out to his computer, and brought up the keylogger he knew was there. EVEN as I showed him one pic after another of nudes, he said he was only looking because he was trying to find a bikini to buy for me. Even the ones that were just total P with no bikinis he swore up and down they were accidentally clicked on, and SWORE he never M to any of the pics EVER. I was crying, he was pissed off. He told me that I am crazy and delusional. He said the reason he deleted the history on his computer was because he knew I would be upset that he was looking at bikinis because "I am that crazy and stupid." He threw a few things and broke them. He told me that I am making all this up in my head so I have a reason to leave him. He said if I try to leave him he will take the children and tell everyone I am crazy. He locked me in his office until "I would talk to him rationally." By the way, rationally meant agreeing with him. THEN he asked ME to apologize to him! He told me he would not leave unless I did. I apologized to him so that he would leave. Now he is out with my friends. Oh yes, he called our good mutual friends to go out and sympathize with him. I am sure he will tell them all kinds of lies. But I don't care. Just having this out feels so good. The look on his face when I brought up on P shot after another was one of pure denial. He swore on our children's lives that he never M to any of the pictures. He said that those are not considered P...he was only doing research on bikinis because he was going to buy me one. When I asked him why he would research bikinis for an hour every night he said because I had worked so hard on my fitness and deserved it. Then I asked why he never bought me one, and he says because he couldn't make up his mind.

Thank God he is gone right now. I pray he wont come home tonight. I just know he is going to try to turn all this around on me. Luckily, his counselor had already diagnosed him with severe personality disorder, so the chances he could take my kids are nil...not to mention he hasn't had a job that makes money in 5 years....I am the only bread winner in the family. This is much worst than I thought it was. Is this kind of denial, even in the face of PROOF a common thing?

I don't know what my game plan is now. I guess I will have to go on like I forgive him until I can safely get out. I know he is going to do as many terrible things to me as he can to gain control again. This is miserable. I knew I shouldn't have said anything, but after he ruined MY computer I just couldn't hold it any longer. :(

[2frustrated]

Rose22,

I will not say what I want to say, because I am not a professional psychologist. Talk to a psychologist, counselor, or social worker, thell them your husband's behavior (p is just the tip of the iceburg--tell them everything), and go from there. I am very concerned about this.

[rose22]

2frustrated, I am worried, too.

I have a great counselor who I have had for 2 years. She has been so wonderful helping me deal with his SA. His own counselor diagnosed him with borderline personality disorder...but out of the blue cut him off from counseling last month. My husband claims it was because the therapist said he was cured. Now I wonder what really happened?

Besides the SA, I never really noticed any other bizarre behavior, UNLESS he is mad at me. Then he gets almost evil. He says I am crazy, that is his go-to. He starts crying, becoming hysterical, and denying proof that is right in front of his face. This last thing tonight was actually very scary. I am trying so hard to keep the children out of this, but I don't know how to get out. He told me that if I ask for a divorce, he will have no reason to live. Then he turned on the children and made threats that he would try to take them from me, then later said If I leave he will leave them and never see them again. They are so close to him (he has been a stay at home dad) so that would be devastating to them.

I think his threats make him feel like he can still have some control. I tried to get him to just admit what he had done, but he held fast to the fact that he was "researching" at 3 in the morning for weeks on end. I don't know what to do. All my friends think P is okay and they don't understand my feelings of betrayal. His family defends him, and my family lives across the country. Please pray for me...or send good thoughts. This is even worst than I imagined it would be.

[astander]

I wish I could remember off the top of my head all the insanely ridiculous things my husband said to me in his own pathetic defense over the course of our marriage, so it would make you feel better to realize you're not alone. I think what you are experiencing is pretty common.

I'm the breadwinner too, and my husband has too said that he would "disappear" if we ever split up. It's so hard because then you feel guilty, like if something happened to him it would be your fault.

Stand your ground, don't let him make you feel like you're crazy, because you're not. But I will say that there are probably things you can do to help your situation, because we all exhibit codependent behaviors through all this. Try a book called "codependent no more." It's all about detaching yourself from your husband's behavior, and working on yourself. After all, that is all we have control of. good luck.

[JenMac]

Rose, I know you are worried and I believe you are very right to be very concerned with this type of behaviour. When you start to get into seeing controlling and abusive behaviour, you have crossed into a whole new realm. This is not common in my experience and so it scares me very much for your wellbeing. Perhaps your H is just using his actions as a defensive measure, thinking that he can control the situation but you certainly can't take any of that for granted! Once threatening or explosive behaviour starts to happen, it is so important for you to make a plan for the safety of yourself and your children. Your H has issues that are threatening the health and wellfair of your family. It may be necessary for you to play the game while you set your plan in motion but I would encourage you to do so!
Praying for you Rose! Look after yourself and those little ones!
Hugs!
Jenn

[rose22]

Thanks again everyone. As of this morning I am acting like everything is fine. After he made me "apologize" to him he thinks everything is back to A-OK. I have planned a trip out of town which I told him was business. I am going to my families house and seeing if they can help me. It is not my desire to take the kids from him, for the last 8 years he has been a good stay at home dad. His explosions come from knowing he is going to lose me, and knowing in his heart that his own lies and behaviors have destroyed my love for him.

I can easily switch sides and feel the pain he must have. It must be horrible to have an addiction that takes your own family from you...I truly can't imagine. But I also can't put myself in that place any longer. Of course, he is going to think I am leaving him for another man (as if I EVER want one again...no thanks!). I am just going to have to tell him this is all about me, it's all my fault...etc. He went out with my friends last night, they were gone until 4am...who knows what he even said. I just have to be strong in all this and realize if I have to be the one who is "wrong" to get out, then so be it.

I think what hurts worst than the P now is the lying....he lied to my face, even in front of real proof! Research!?! Really?! He must think I am stupid, worthless, and so many other things. How can someone continue to lie with proof right in front of them? I really do feel like these last 10 years must have been a game or a lie to him. I have all this misplaced love to deal with now. I am so glad I have my wonderful children, they are so sweet. I guess the biggest challenge will be trusting myself again after having made such a huge mistake to believe in him again after so many times getting burned.

[RisingSon]

Here's my 2c. I will be blunt and to the point. If I cause offence, I deeply apologize as that is not my intent.

You need to decide if your husband's addiction has turned him into a lying jerk or if he's a lying jerk who happens to have an addiction.

I struggle every day with this addiction and the fact that it affects my family in a negative way cripples me inside. It honestly does not sound to me like he really cares that much about you, or that he's particularly concerned about his addiction.

Again, if my opinion is considered offensive please take it with a pinch of salt.

I wish you all the very best.

[maggie]

Dear Rose,

How sad and how frightening!! he locked you in a room until you apologized for accusing him of looking at P.
That's physical abuse, but the mental and emotional abuse is probably worse.

It's so easy to say ' leave ', but quite difficult with small children. I just want you and your children safe.

I completely understand your frustration about his denials, " I was doing research or I never mb'd to those naked pics " really !

Do PAs think we are completely stupid? I know every bit of research on addiction mentions how ' lying ' plays a huge role in addiciton, but there are lies that are difficult to disprove or argue over...... and then there are these utterly ridiculous, childish lies that addicts insist are the truth, and say them right to our face.