Narcissim by Dr. Sam Vaknin part 1

[Disillusioned]

I have read so many descriptions on TTF of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr.Hyde behavior, anger, aloofness, lack of empathy, etc. that it sent me searching for answers. I found some things of interest on Dr. Sam Vaknin's website. The following are some notes from Chapter two of his book "Malignant Self-Love; Narcissism Revisited". He has many more articles on this personality disorder. He is a therapist/ counselor and not an physician. This does not imply that everyone with PA is a narcissist, but I do think there are some narcissists who exhibit PA. It is for information only, and not to make anyone uncomfortable. The good news is that this sort of thinking can be re-addressed and new positive thinking can be learned.
Also we are all somewhat narcissistic and have to be in order to survive. This article addresses what Dr. Vaknin feels is malignant narcissism, far down the road of the continuum of what is considered normal.


CHAPTER TWO:

UNIQUENESS AND INTIMACY

Uniqueness and intimacy are strong rivals.
Intimacy implies a certain acquaintance of one's partner with privileged
information. Yet, it is exactly such partially or wholly withheld information that buttresses one's sense of superiority, uniqueness, and mystery which, inevitably, vanishes with disclosure and intimacy.
Additionally, intimacy is a common and universal pursuit. It does not confer uniqueness on its seeker.
When you get to know people intimately, they all seem unique to you. Personal idiosyncrasies surface with intimate acquaintance. Intimacy makes unique beings out of us all. It, therefore, negates the self-perceived uniqueness of the truly and exclusively unique – the narcissist.
Finally, the very process of getting intimate creates (false) sensations of uniqueness. Two people getting to intimately know each other, are made unique to one another.
These traits of intimacy negate the narcissist's notion of uniqueness. Intimacy may help distinguish us to our loved ones – but it also makes us common and indistinguishable to all others. Put crassly: if everyone is distinct, then no one is unique. Widespread acts or behaviours are anathema to uniqueness. Intimacy eliminates information asymmetries, obviates superiority and demystifies.
The narcissist does his damnedest to avoid intimacy. He constantly lies about every aspect of his life: his self, his history, his vocations and avocations, and his emotions. This false data guarantee his informative lead, asymmetry, or "advantage" in his relationships. It fosters disintimisation. It casts a pall of cover up, separateness, mystery over the narcissist's affairs.
The narcissist lies even in therapy. He obscures the truth by using "psycho-babble", or professional lingo. It makes him feel that he "belongs", that he is a "Renaissance man". By demonstrating his control of several professional jargons he almost proves (to himself) that he is superhuman. In therapy, this has the effect of "objectifying" and emotional detachment.
The narcissist's behaviour is experienced by his mate as frustrating and growth-cramping. To live with him is akin to living with an emotionally-absent non-entity, or with an "alien", a form of "artificial intelligence". The partners of the narcissist often complain of overwhelming feelings of imprisonment and punishment.
The psychological source of this kind of behaviour could well involve transference. Most narcissists fall prey to unresolved conflicts with their Primary Objects (parents or caregivers), especially with the parent of the opposite s-x. The development of the narcissist's intimacy skills is hindered at an early stage. Punishing and frustrating the partner or spouse is a way of getting back at the abusive parent. It is a way of avoiding the narcissistic injury brought on by inevitable abandonment.
The narcissist, it seems, is still the hurt child. His attitude serves a paramount need: not to be hurt again. The narcissist anticipates his abandonment and, by trying to avoid it, he precipitates it. Maybe he does it to demonstrate that – having been the cause of his own abandonment – he is in sole and absolute control of his own relationships.
To be in control – this unconquerable drive – is a direct reaction to having been abandoned, ignored, neglected, avoided, smothered, or abused at an early stage in life. "Never again" – vows the narcissist – "If anyone will do the leaving, it will be me."
The narcissist is devoid of empathy and incapable of intimacy with others as well as with himself. To him, lying is a second nature. A False Self takes over. The narcissist begins to believe his own lies. He makes himself to be what he wants to be and not what he really is.
To the narcissist, life is a jumbled amalgam of "cold" facts: events, difficulties, negative externalities, and predictions and projections. He prefers this "objective and quantifiable" mode of relating to the world to the much-disdained "touchy-feely" alternative. The narcissist is so afraid of the cesspool of negative emotions inside him that he would rather deny them and thus refrain from knowing himself.
The narcissist is predisposed to maintaining asymmetric relationships, where he both preserves and exhibits his superiority. Even with his mate or spouse, he is forever striving to be the Guru, the Lecturer, the Teacher (even the Mystic), the Psychologist, the Experienced Elder.
The narcissist never talks – he lectures. He never moves – he poses. He is patronising, condescending, forgiving, posturing, or teaching. This is the more benign form of narcissism. In its more malignant variants, the narcissist is hectoring, humiliating, sadistic, impatient, and full of rage and indignation. He is always critical and torments all around him with endless, bitter cynicism and with displays of disgust and repulsion.
There is no way out of the narcissistic catch: the narcissist despises the submissive and fears the independent, the strong (who constitute a threat) and the weak (who are, by definition, despicable).
Asked to explain his lack of ability to make contact in a true sense of the word, the narcissist comes up with a host of superbly crafted explanations. These are bound to include some "objective" difficulties, which have to do with the narcissist's traits, his history and the characteristics of his environment (both human and non-human).
The narcissist is the first to admit the difficulties experienced by others in trying to adapt or relate to him. To his mind, these difficulties make him unique and explain away the gap between his grandiose theories about himself – and the grey, shabby pattern that is his life (the Grandiosity Gap). The narcissist has no doubt who should adapt to whom: the world should adjust itself to the narcissist's superior standards and requirements (and, thus, incidentally, transform itself into a better place).

[Disillusioned]

Narcissism by Dr. Sam Vaknin part two
Inevitably, the s-xu-lity of the narcissist is as disturbed as his emotional landscape.
We distinguish three types of S-xu-l Communicators (and hence, the same number of modes of s-xu-l communications):

1. The Emotional-S-xu-l Communicator – is, first, attracted s-xu-lly to his potential mate.
   He then proceeds to examine how compatible they are and only then does he fall in love and have s-xul int-rcour-e.
   He forms a relationship that is based on a perception of the other as a whole, as an amalgam of attributes and traits, good and bad.
   His relationships last reasonably long and they disintegrate as incremental changes in the psychological makeup of the two parties encroach upon their mutual appreciation and create emotional deficiencies and hunger which can be satisfied only by resorting to new partners.

1. The Transactional S-xu-l Communicator – first examines whether he and the prospective mate are mutually compatible.
   If he finds compatibility, he proceeds to test the mate s-xu-lly and then forms habits, which, put together, present a fair semblance of love, though a dispassionate one.
   He forms relationships with people he judges to be reliable partners and good friends. Only a modicum of desire and passion is added to this brew – but its mettle is, usually, very strong and relationships formed on these bases are the longest.

1. The Purely S-xu-l Communicator – is first, attracted s-xu-lly to his potential mate.
   He then proceeds to s-xu-lly explore and test the counterparty.
   This interaction leads to the development of an emotional correlate, partly the result of a forming habit.
   This communicator has the shortest, most disastrous relationships. He treats his mate as he would an object or a function. His problem is a saturation of experiences.
   As any addict does, he increases the dose (of s-xu-l encounters) as he proceeds and this tends to severely destabilise his relationships.

The narcissist treats others as objects. His "meaningful" other performs ego substitution functions for the narcissist. This is not love. Indeed, the narcissist is incapable of loving anyone, especially not himself.
In his relationships, the narcissist is hard-pressed to maintain both continuity and availability. He promptly develops acutely felt saturation points (both s-xu-l and emotional). He feels shackled and trapped and escapes, either physically or by becoming emotionally and s-xu-lly absent. Thus, one way or the other, he is never there for his significant other.
Moreover, he prefers s-x with objects or object representations. Some narcissists prefer mb (objectifying the body and reducing it to a p-nis), group s-x, fetish s-x, paraphilias, or XXXXX to normal s-x.
The narcissist treats his mate as a s-x object, or a s-x slave. Often a verbal, or emotional, or physical abuser, he tends to mistreat his partner s-xu-lly as well.
This separation of the emotional from the s-xu-l makes it difficult for the narcissist to have s-x with people that he believes that he loves (though he never really does love). He is terrified and repelled by the idea that he has to objectify the subject of his emotions. He separates his s-xu-l objects from his emotional partners – they can never be the same people.
True partnership, a veritable, equitable transaction, does not allow for the objectification of the partner. To succeed in a partnership, the two partners must share an insightful and multidimensional view of each other: strengths and weaknesses, fears and hopes, joy and sadness, needs and choices. Of this the narcissist is incapable.
So, he feels inadequate, frustrated, and, consequently, fearful that he might be abandoned. He transforms this internal turmoil into deep-seated aggression. Once in a while the conflict reaches critical levels and the narcissist has fits of rage, emotionally deprives the partner, or humiliates her/him. Acts of violence – verbal or physical – are not uncommon.
The narcissist's position is untenable and unenviable. He knows – albeit he normally represses this information – that his partner disagrees with being treated as an object, s-xu-l or emotional. Merely gratifying the narcissist does not form an edifice for a long lasting relationship.
But the narcissist is in dire need of stability and emotional certainty. He craves not to be abandoned or abused again. So, he denies his nature in a desperate plea to cheat both himself and his partner. He pretends – and sometimes he succeeds in misleading himself into believing – that he is interested in a true partnership. He really does his best, careful not to broach touchy issues, always consulting the partner in making decisions, and so on.
But inside, he harbours growing resentment and frustration. His "lone wolf" nature is bound to manifest itself, sooner or later. This conflict between the act the narcissist puts on in order to secure the longevity of his relationships and his true character is likely more often than not to result in an eruption. The narcissist is bound to become aggressive, if not violent. The shift from benevolent lover-partner to a raging maniac – a "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" effect – is terrifying.
Gradually, the trust between the partners is shattered and the way to the narcissist's worst fears – abandonment, emotional desolation and the dissolution of the relationship – is paved by the narcissist himself!
It is this sorry paradox – the narcissist is the instrument of his own punishment – that comprises the essence of narcissism. The narcissist is Sisyphically doomed to repeat the same cycle of pretension, wrath and hatred.
The narcissist is afraid to introspect. For, had he done so, he would have discovered a both dismaying and comforting truth: he is in need of no one on a long-term basis. Other people are, to him, just short-term solutions.
Avid protestations to the contrary notwithstanding, the narcissist is expedient and exploitative in his relationships. Denying this, he often marries for the wrong reasons: to calm his troubled soul, to pacify himself by conforming socially.
But the narcissist does not need companionship or emotional support, let alone true partnership. There is no beast on earth more self-sufficient than a narcissist. Years of unpredictability in his relationships with meaningful others, early on abuse, sometimes decades of violence, aggression, instability and humiliation – have eroded the narcissist's trust in others to the point of disappearance. The narcissist knows that he can rely only on one stable, unconditional of love and nurturance: on himself.

[Disillusioned]

True, when in need of reassurance (e.g., in crisis situations), the narcissist seeks friendship. But while normal people seek friends for companionship and support – the narcissist uses up his friends the way the sick consume medication or the hungry food. Here, too, a basic pattern emerges: to the narcissist, other people are objects to be used and tossed away. Here, too, he proves discontinuous and unavailable.
Moreover, the narcissist can make do with very little. If he has a spouse – why should he seek the added burden of friends? Other people to the narcissist are what a yoke is to the ox – a burden. He cannot fathom reciprocity in human relations. He is easily bored with other people's lives, their problems and solicitations. The need to maintain his relationships drains him.
The narcissist limits his social encounters to situations which yield net energy contributions (Narcissistic Supply). Interacting with others involves the expenditure of energy. Narcissists are willing to oblige on condition that they are able to extract Narcissistic Supply (attention, adulation, celebrity, s-x) sufficient to outweigh the energy they had expended
Most narcissists had a functioning parent, but one that was indifferent to them and used them for his or her own narcissistic ends. Narcissists tend to breed narcissists and perpetuate their condition. The conflict with the frustrating parent is carried forward and reconstructed in intimate relationships. The narcissist directs all the major transformations of aggression towards his spouse, partner, and friends. He hates, hates to admit it, sublimates and explodes in an occasional outburst of rage.
The more intimate the relationship, the more the other party has to lose by severing it, the more dependent the narcissist's partner is on the relationship and on the narcissist – the more likely is the narcissist to be aggressive, hostile, envious, and hating. This serves a dual function: as an outlet for pent-up aggression and as a kind of test.
So, the narcissist's intimate relationship are fraught with ambivalence and contradiction: love-hate, well-wishing and envy, fear of being abandoned with a wish to be left alone, control-freakery and paranoid fears of persecution. The narcissist's psyche is torn in an all-pervasive conflict which never ceases to torment him, regardless of external or extenuating circumstances

Mental Map # 1

Bad, unpredictable, inconsistent, threatening objectleads to defective internalisation (introjection of bad objects)and to an unresolved Oedipal Conflict.Damaged object relations aggression, envy, hatred
Low self-esteem
Fear that these emotions will erupt
Narcissistic defence mechanisms
Repression of all emotions, good and bad (the self as object)
Compensatory functions
Redirection of negative emotions at the self
Grandiosity, fantasies
Avoidance of emotional situations
Uniqueness, demands adulation, "I deserve" (entitlement)
Intellectual compensation, exploitativeness, envy, lack of empathy, haughtiness
Objectification of the OTHER
Formation of False Self (FS)
Defective interpersonal relationships (transference relationships)
Narcissistic Supply Sources (NSS)
Fear that the (potentially) meaningful other (external reinforcement of FS):
1. Will invoke deep emotions and provoke negative ones
2. Fear of abandonment (result of malnourished True Self – TS)
3. Narcissistic vulnerability: True Self (TS)
a. Negation of uniqueness
b. Ego hurt when abandoned
Anhedonia and dysphoria
Feeling of annulment, disintegration (of TS)
Fear of exposure, condemnation, persecution (FS)
Ego-dystonia (stress)

The above mental map includes three basic building blocks of the soul of a typical narcissist: the True Self, the False Self and the Narcissistic Sources of Supply.