5 stages if grief by Kubler Ross aimed at dying and acceptance: useful for SO grief

[Disillusioned]

Kubler Ross Stages of Grief
5 Stages of Grief

The Kubler Ross stages of grief, also known as the 5 stages of grief, were first outlined in 1969, when Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's book On Death and Dying[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/Eric/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/msoclip1/01/clip_image001.gif[/IMG] was published. Her work was a reflection of the grief process of patients who had been diagnosed with terminal illness. These stages later came to be applied to other forms of significant loss.
In her final book On Grief and Grieving[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/Eric/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/msoclip1/01/clip_image001.gif[/IMG] Elizabeth Kubler-Ross comments on how the grief stages were very misunderstood in the three decades between books. She says, "They were never meant to tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. (27)"
She says these stages are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling as a result of various losses in our lives. They are not stops on a linear timeline and not everyone goes through all of them. Here are the Kubler Ross stages of grief:
1) Denial
For those who have received a diagnosis of a terminal illness, this is the initial reaction to hearing the devastating news. It is a natural defense mechanism as you are being forced to absorb the unthinkable.
"But I feel so healthy. It can't be real."
For those who have lost a loved one, the denial stage is more symbolic. You know mentally that your loved one has died, but you just can't believe it. You simply can't fathom that they will never walk through the door again.
"The denial stage is the psyche's protective mechanism. It helps us absorb the tragic news at a slower rate so we are not completely overwhelmed by it.
2) Anger
Rage and resentment replace denial as the full impact of the diagnosis begins to sink in.
"This isn't fair. I didn't do anything to deserve this."
3) Bargaining
The person tries to bargain with God or a Higher Power in order to gain a longer life.
"Just let me live long enough to see my grandchild's birth." "I'll do anything if you give me a few more years."
4) Depression
In this stage the person gives up on bargaining and realizes that death is coming. It is a sad and difficult time when the person may refuse to enter into the life they have left. They must be allowed this time to mourn.
"I'm going to die, so why bother trying to live."
5) Acceptance
The person comes to realizes death is coming and is now able to find some measure of peace with the process.
"Death is coming, but I will be okay."
Some thoughts:
As I reflect on the Kubler Ross stages of grief, I wonder if part of the reason "Tuesdays with Morrie" became such a popular book is that it showed us someone living this journey. For much of the book we see Morrie as the teacher who is in the place of acceptance, yet we clearly see elements of his struggle though the other stages as well.
I just received an email from a friend who has been living through a battle with lymphoma. Her friends and family are celebrating that as of her last medical exams, she is cancer free. But she writes beautifully of what she has learned on her difficult journey.
"I've always been reflective, yet illness invited me to go deeper still. I discovered there remained in me a restless part, a fear I may be missing something. Recovering from lymphoma showed me what I was missing: not activity, health, productivity or experiencing it all, but each moment's depth, flavor, subtlety, grace, and beauty. I've learned to sink into bottomless love and joy, and in that place, even sorrow sings when it's too deep for tears." Sharon Landis
If you found this article on the Kubler Ross stages of grief helpful, you might also like this book review on On Grief and Grieving or this article on healthy bereavement.
Other articles related to the grief process:
My 5 Stages of Grief
7 Stages of Grief
Children and Grief
Quotes on Grief
Recovery from Grief and Loss Tips

[maggie]

Disillusioned,

I am familiar with the 5 stages of grief and see some similarities in the relationship/trust grief that is caused by p.

I've been wondering about feelings of anger, betrayal, depression...etc from this discovery and how to get to forgiveness or acceptance.

Those who have reached ' forgiveness ' say they have let go of the past. Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves, yes I see that in a way. Harboring this hurt and resentment hurts me, not the person who hurt me... ironic !

I see waves of anger and depression, some subtle, some are powerful, in the SOs dealing with this betrayal.

So, the final stage of grief according to Ross is ' acceptance.'

Accept what happened. That the person we trusted was weak, or weaker than we thought. Accept that the person we thought loved us has hurt us deeply. Accept this as part of being human. Is this what is meant by forgiveness ? Acceptance ~ forgiveness ?

[TooSensitive]

D, thank you for posting this too. You are like our own little librarian of information these days - thank you for all your enlightenment!

I learned a few years ago, while attending a lecture series on the 5 stages of grief, how worthwhile and how useful the concept is, and how much it applies to all areas of our lives, and not just the physical death of another.

It applies in the figurative sense, too, esp. when dealing with being an SO in this addiction. It helps explain so much of the emotional rollercoaster.

Maggie, I do think that acceptance and forgiveness are closely tied in to one another. Though I am not sure they are the same thing, I do believe you cannot have forgiveness without first accepting what has happened. Accepting what has happened - which does not mean you condone what has happened - allows us to more easily come to terms with it. Acceptance in this instance is the polar opposite of the denial, which interestingly enough is the very first stage of grief. During the lectures, I learned that it is not unusual while still grieving, to move through a stage, only to go back to it again later. I also learned that it is possible to experience more than one stage at the same time. The whole concept is a process to work through, that takes alot of time. The typical grief experience lasts for 18 months, though it can differ from one person to the next and from one situation to the next. Some take less time to finish grieving; others take more time to finish grieving.

I do feel that if our h’s are doing all they are supposed to be doing, it can help ease our burden, and it can help expedite the grieving process for us.