What are we to say to our adolescent and pre-adolescent boys and girls?

[Disillusioned]

I would really like to know the advice of TTF members on how to teach our pre-adolescent and adolescent boys and girls about the dangers of p and how it can affect their futures.
What do you say to prepare a pre-adolescent in order to keep him(her) from looking when
they are somewhere without filters? What do you say to your adolescent boys(and girls) about p. Keep in mind the usual age of first exposure in our "enlightened" society is age 11.
Thanks in advance for any input given.
disillusioned

[BrokenHeartedAgain]

I know for me what I am going to explain to my children is that you should be only sharing your sexual relationship with your spouse, and that P is very degrading and demoralizing to women and is not what a real sex life is even like. I will talk about the problems the actors have in their own personal lives. Regarding M, I think when you are young... you explore your own body and that can be very normal, but if it becomes obsessive or causes you any problems you should talk to someone about it. Don't hide your feelings.... talk to your mom and dad and we will help you or get someone that can help you. I try to make S*x questions pretty open in our home and my kids know they can come to me and ask a question and I won't act shocked or put them down... I will give an honest, healthy answer appropriate to their age. Statistics show that the average child is exposed to P at the age of 11... so I think that's the age it should be addressed, because if you don't think your child has been exposed I can guarantee you his or her friends have been and they will be talking. Even though I'm dealing with my own pain and self-image issues... I still have a pretty good knowledge of what a "real" and normal s*x life should be...

I want more than anything for my kids to have a healthy relationship and a wonderful intimate relationship with their SO's. I am really worried that all the crap I've been through with my H has affected them in some way. Even though I've tried to counter-effect it all... I'm sure it has made some impression and that really saddens me. If I can help my daughters in any way "spot" or see the warning signs of a SA/PA... you bet I will educate her on that.

[waterlily327]

Ok, so I don’t know if I should respond to this, because I am not a parent. Being 22 I am actually going to answer it from the “child’s” side because I am still living with my parents (since I turned 18, it has only been on school breaks, and I am moving in July). My parents are wonderful, loving people, but s*x is not something I feel comfortable talking about them with (even though we are very close and talk about almost everything). I wasn’t exposed to anything P-related until I left for college. Our movies were always “family rated” and the computer is in a easy-to-see place at the top of the stairs. We also never had access to laptops until college, so it was not possible to access P without the house knowing. I do remember a time when one of my brothers was caught looking at pictures, I think it was like women in bathing suits, but it wasn’t something he was supposed to be looking at. I remember my parents sitting down with him, talking to him about it, and saying that you need to respect women, that is someone’s sister, etc. That worked for them (especially the “sister” example because I am very close with both my brothers). I think my parents found a magazine with women modeling underwear under one of their beds a few years later but they had that same time about respect and it wasn’t a problem again. Since we only have the one computer and my Dad is really good with technology, no one could get away with that sort of behavior here even if they tried to hide it.

So I was a pretty clueless child! Innocent to a fault, but seeing what is out there in the world I now think that wasn’t a bad thing. My parents did the right things: monitoring our computer use, monitoring our TV and movie choices, and making sure we knew s*x was something special that we should only share with the person we love. My parents were really tuned in to myself and my two brothers, and that was what made the difference. Just talking, or half-hearted attempts to monitor won’t be enough. My parents didn’t let anything slide past them, they were vigilant and monitored everything.

I am already thinking to when I have children and plan on always having internet filters on home computers and monitoring what they watch on TV. Plus, I think talking about this is a good idea. I learned this year that my Mom had an eating disorder when she was my age…if I had known that during my really bad time I feel like I would have been able to go to her sooner with my problems know she would have understood. I think approaching this with that same open, honest policy that I wanted would make it possible for my children to get over if they end up facing this or any addiction (at least that is the hope). Knoweldge is power. Eduating about PA/SA is important, even if awkward...Again, I don’t know if my words will make any difference here since I am not a parent but maybe adding the “child’s” insight will help a little!

[Disillusioned]

"This beautiful article on attitude and what we need to teach our children about p and its attendant problems and deceptions comes from
Hibiscus' beautifully article entitled "Here we go again". Thank you Hibiscus.
I don't know if this is getting any international press, but here in the US, a congressman has been in the news non-stop since last Friday for a Twitter scandal. He's been all over the press lying and claiming his account was hacked, but held a press conference today to tearfully admit the mess and apologize. He also said he has done other "inappropriate" things with young women by text and phone. Yes, he is married and has kids.

Same crap, different political person or other man in the public eye. We've had a glut of them in the US lately.

One of the most frustrating aspects of being an SO is wondering how the heck adults can take such extreme risks and not for a second think about the ramifications. I would think the risk of getting caught is even higher for a person in the public eye, so what the heck? In one of the pictures this guy sent, you can see personal photos sitting in the background of him with his family and with the Clinton's!

Dr Laura Berman was on CNN talking about the topic and referenced some recent studies that suggest men who have higher levels of testosterone tend to exhibit stronger s*x drives, riskier behavior, and tend to be more s*xually aggressive. It has also been suggested that men who are very successful, hold positions of power, or are otherwise in take charge positions tend to have these higher levels of testoterone. I have nothing to reference - just found it interesting.

On the plus side, I was encourged to hear her talk about how this brings up the question as to what constitutes "cheating" in a relationship when there is no physical contact between the parties. Her opinion is that activities like "s*xting" and internet s*x are indeed cheating. She also said that as much as parents don't want their kids exposed to this type of behavior or be forced to talk about, that it was a teachable moment and something that every parent needs to discuss. Like it or not, our kids are exposed to this at a shockingly early age now. To not talk about it is to not protect them from being a victim or being the victimizer.

Incidents like this are slowly getting this topic into the public eye. I know we on TTF often feel like we are in the minority. But I don't think that's the case. I think we have been part of the silent majority for a while now. But that silent majority is slowly speaking up, realizing we are far from alone, and looking for answers and solutions. We're not behind the times...we're ahead of them! "