Recovery - therapy, filters, journals and what else ?

[maggie]

Once again, I post here looking for thoughts and ideas on what is necessary in Recovery.

I ( think ) he has completely stopped. Viewing, saving, thinking about and urges.

I know he is remorseful, ashamed and shocked at how deeply he got involved and the risks he was taking.

He saw a respected addiction counselor off and on for about 8 months. He didn't like going but as he stepped away from p, he began to see how bizarre his life had become for the past 3 years and got some insight from the therapist.

He does not take his laptop to his room at night anymore, he tried putting K9 on his laptop, but it interfers with his company's fire wall... I believe this too. He showed me.
So, no filter on his computer during recovery.

Although he will not join TTF or write a journal, he seems to be making an effort to be more open about the things he has hidden from me in his past. Not the p stuff, that he does not want to discuss anymore, but other past behaviors that he now regrets.

But still....after all the talking, explanations, research and the emotional commotion of it all, he will not stop his google searches.

** These are not p searches.**
His favorite sites are CNN.com, Fox news.com, MSNBC etc.
I open them and although the headlines are today's news, every site has an entertainment section which usually has some provocative image of a star in a bathing suit or performing on stage.

I tried explaining to him that some therapists and some men in recovery would not only consider this online behavior as risky, but some even call it " skating "

He insists that in this hi-tech world, an active person cannot function without online searching news, company announcements, phone numbers and even the weather. He is adamant that online searching is necessary to stay on top in the business world.

I know most here have some type of filter, I think most go to some type of group or counseling. What about online access ? How many here go online when they are not home and do news.. type searches ? And do you think this is ok ? Why or Why not ?

Appreciate any input and comments.

[BrokenHeartedAgain]

Well as an SO who has been lied to for 18+ years now... I would never trust this. He could be using incognito windows that leave no trace in history or cookies. With this last most recent discovery... it was my final straw and he knew it. He hasn't been on the computer SINCE and I'm pretty sure he doesn't intend to unless there is some type of filter, and I certainly would not be comfortable with any online use by him right now either... so that's where we are. If and when he does go back online... I'm pretty sure there will be a keylogger.

Here's what we are doing right now:
Therapy
No computer except for at work (P is STRICTLY PROHIBITED at work and he has never viewed at work.. He is very fearful of losing his job... funny he wasn't fearful of losing his wife and entire family...
Reading books
No t.v. or movies that show sexual nature of any kind right now due to my triggers.
Journaling

[Rockinastorm]

I'm interning at this company for the summer and since I am only temporary they are letting me use someone else's computer at work for the time being. One of my tasks was to find news relevant to the company's goals and post links on our Twitter feed, so I thought it would be helpful when I found that the homepage of the computer was already set to CNN. But I was shocked when I actually scrolled through and saw a literal celebration of P, with articles like Playb*ys 50th aniverary and and article about a P-star, the "college hookup life" and oh so many more awful things!! I thought CNN was supposed to be like the gold standard of journalism or something but it really made me sick.

I dont think it is healthy for your PA to be looking at these sites frequently. They too promote P as a normal, everyday thing!

Since my internship depended on being informed, I spent a lot of time finding more focused, industry-oriented websites and e-journals that were not only extremely safe, but FAR more useful than any generic news website. My research took a bit of time, but after about a week, I had a well organized index that I put on a spreadsheet that my boss absolutely loved.

I think your husband should be able to do the very same thing and find it to be really practical if that is truely what he wants. There is so much out there that is safe, it just isnt as mainstream as the major news corporations.

Just to give you a scope of how easy it is to find a ton of SAFE information, my company's niche market is hospitality architecture for chain hotels. You wouldnt believe the amount of information and the number of journals there are just for that field alone. I am positive that your PA will be able to find good things that are safe and still be able to stay current.

[maggie]

Thank you RockIAS..

Can you believe that sites like CNN or MSNBC peddle this insanity with the serious news ?... There are so many sources out there selling s*x, why do they have to join in when they've already established a loyal following...for political and economic news?

Just as your internship requires you to keep updated on the company's goals and post them online with twitter... his company expects him to stay updated technically as well. He was receiving Wired... a high tech magazine....until the cover of one of its issues featured the exaggerated and photoshopped body parts of a woman !! It was so ' out of line ' for a hi tech news source to have womens' body parts on the cover that the magazine actually received a lot of criticism and cancellations from its subscribers!!

It's everywhere. I guess motivated men have to have a solid battle plan in place to conquer all of the assaults!

[rouby]

I thought Rockinastorm gave an excellent reply to this situation.

I think it is quite obvious that having to read and view porn-lite can never be a healthy thing.
However, with that said, the qualifying issue for me but would be what truly drives the need for these sites;

Is it because this is what the job requires, or is it because his job requires it and he knows he will run into porn lite.

The internet is here to stay and we do need to know how to deal with it. The additional issue of private browsing and we realize the cards are stacked against us.

Good luck as you work through this very tricky situation.

[stillandagain]

Oh good! I get to use my favorite phrase again! "Anything used AS p IS p."

Porn-lite IS p if used AS p for the PA

But, yes, there is no getting around it being around. Recovery, therefore, is in the mind and heart and soul of the PA.
And we SO's need patience offered to us as we freak out, need reassurance, demand sobriety, try to understand and love our PA,
ESPECIALLY as we face " P for the PA" all around us all

[maggie]

Thank you Rock, Broken, Rouby & SA,

I appreciate the time and thought each of you has given me to help me understand just what I am seeing.

This p problem has managed to cloud my logic and destroy my usual keen sense of the truth.

I question every thought, is this real, is this what it appears to be, is this logical, is this ok or not. Why can't I figure it out ?

It took the forthright revelation that ' if he really needs to keep up to date with technology and business news ' these faux news/entertainment sites like CNN and FOX are the wrong venue.

Rock recommended subject-industry specific e-journals to keep up to date!! A factual logical statement. Why didn't I think of that?

Rouby - Clever and factual.

Is it because this is what the job requires, or is it because his job requires it and he knows he will run into porn lite.

This is why this site is amazing. Both sides of this division can offer insight.....

Thank you and I hope that someday, if my logic returns I can pay it forward.
maggie

[Rockinastorm]

Glad to be of help! It pisses me off to no end that this junk ends up all over the news! It just sucks. Its so hard to get away from.. and I hope nothing like that incident with "Wired" ever happens again! I wish your husband or boyfriend all the luck I can give.. the tech industry seems like a tough place to be while trying to recover from PA.

[Disillusioned]

You are right on here, Maggie. You and Rockinastorm hit the significant key, "It's everywhere. I guess motivated men have to have a solid battle plan in place to conquer all of the assaults!"

Some men just refuse to accept this. Say everyone looks. It's a male entitlement, etc. etc.

Congrats to both of you for your efforts in understanding this and what it takes to make sure a PA is not triggered and his so feels valued.
disillusioned

One of my new favorite quotes:
"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings tunes without words, and never stops at all." by Emily Dickinson