Here we go again...

[Hibiscus]

I don't know if this is getting any international press, but here in the US, a congressman has been in the news non-stop since last Friday for a Twitter scandal. He's been all over the press lying and claiming his account was hacked, but held a press conference today to tearfully admit the mess and apologize. He also said he has done other "inappropriate" things with young women by text and phone. Yes, he is married and has kids.

Same crap, different political person or other man in the public eye. We've had a glut of them in the US lately.

One of the most frustrating aspects of being an SO is wondering how the heck adults can take such extreme risks and not for a second think about the ramifications. I would think the risk of getting caught is even higher for a person in the public eye, so what the heck? In one of the pictures this guy sent, you can see personal photos sitting in the background of him with his family and with the Clinton's!

Dr Laura Berman was on CNN talking about the topic and referenced some recent studies that suggest men who have higher levels of testosterone tend to exhibit stronger s*x drives, riskier behavior, and tend to be more s*xually aggressive. It has also been suggested that men who are very successful, hold positions of power, or are otherwise in take charge positions tend to have these higher levels of testoterone. I have nothing to reference - just found it interesting.

On the plus side, I was encourged to hear her talk about how this brings up the question as to what constitutes "cheating" in a relationship when there is no physical contact between the parties. Her opinion is that activities like "s*xting" and internet s*x are indeed cheating. She also said that as much as parents don't want their kids exposed to this type of behavior or be forced to talk about, that it was a teachable moment and something that every parent needs to discuss. Like it or not, our kids are exposed to this at a shockingly early age now. To not talk about it is to not protect them from being a victim or being the victimizer.

Incidents like this are slowly getting this topic into the public eye. I know we on TTF often feel like we are in the minority. But I don't think that's the case. I think we have been part of the silent majority for a while now. But that silent majority is slowly speaking up, realizing we are far from alone, and looking for answers and solutions. We're not behind the times...we're ahead of them!

[Hopeful]

Incidents like this are slowly getting this topic into the public eye. I know we on TTF often feel like we are in the minority. But I don't think that's the case. I think we have been part of the silent majority for a while now. But that silent majority is slowly speaking up, realizing we are far from alone, and looking for answers and solutions. We're not behind the times...we're ahead of them!

I so agree with you Hibiscus. We all are making a difference, no matter how small it might seem it eventually will be big!! Planting the seeds and watching them grow....that's what it's all about..to make sure people around us realize what is happening and it's time for it to change.

[bethann27]

We all are making a difference, no matter how small it might seem it eventually will be big!! Planting the seeds and watching them grow....that's what it's all about..to make sure people around us realize what is happening and it's time for it to change.

I couldn't agree more.

[conquer]

I heard about this news story this morning in the UK. I have not heard of the politician, but it does also amaze me the risks and stupidity of people who are supposed to be intelligent and strategic. For me it is a reminder of how strong these feelings can be to make someone act in such an irrational and unpleasant way.
In the UK we have also had lots similar news stories.
As someone trying to recover from porn addiction I find these stories, of which very are too many examples, very unhelpful. For me it normalises the activity and makes it seem more acceptable. If so many successful people are doing this then why can't I ? My fear is that instead of strengthening the concepts of TTF the ideals and motivations we have are undermined as it brings porn out of the gutter and more into the main stream. When I heard the story this morning I could hear my addicted self saying, "see this is quite normal, everyone is at it, why are you putting yourself through such agony...."
I have the benefit of TTF to remind me of the pain and hurt this causes to loved ones and how it can undermine our own self respect. TTF reminds me that this is an addiction and I cannot just have one more go.

[Daniel]

I was just reading about the guy, US Representative to New York, Anthony Weiner.

Having been intensely ashamed of my own version of wrong sxual behavior (viewing of P), and understanding the addiction/compulsion much better these three years later, I empathize in these situations.

Conquer, I hear you on the "everybody's-doing-it-why-not-me,-why-do-only-I-have-a-"problem""? aspect. That is arguably the most common rationalization for using.

The answer? Seeing Mr. Weiner cry and express remorse for his "shameful" behavior. This is a good sign: culture-at-large, or some element of it, still considers the type of behavior that he carried out to be wrong and dishonorable. If it had hardly hit the press or was met with yawns instead of outrage and calls for an ethics investigation, it would be scary regarding the moral-slide-into-the-abyss scenario. FYI, if the congressman used official phones or other equipment, vs. personal equipment, he can be subjected to their version of discipline within the elected body of congressmen/congresswomen.

Whether he is sorry he was caught or sorry for his behavior will remain to be seen. His wife it is reported is a key aide to the Secretary of State. In other words she is traveling all of the time...

An educated, ambitious, married, undisciplined SA/PA whos wife is gone most of the time... will that be a problem?

Yes. (unfortunately).

Daniel

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

This situation is a perfect opportunity for all of us to talk about this in public in our circle of influence. We don't have to bring up our own situation to get the conversation started. This is in the media, its big, its relevant. When you hear it on the news at work or in your families or someone talks about it at church, talk about it. Talk about how just because its online doesn't mean its ok. Talk about how "everyone" is NOT doing it. Talk about how YOU have more respect for your partner than to do that. Talk about the baseline "don't lie, don't do anything you will need to lie about". That baseline will make all the rest of this a non-issue. Who cares about definitions and whether something is relevant if it is digital or if there was physical contact. You don't have to re-define fidelity and cheating if you go with the baseline of "don't lie!".

[maggie]

Yup... I agree with all above posts.... this topic and congressman will be there in the headlines.... for at least a few days... but....all of the talk and commentary makes me feel like I am fighting a losing battle.

When it was focused on the lonely, old man in a trench coat...sneaking into the local market to buy Hustler... disguised in a wrapper... it was sooooo obvious to everyone and anyone how odd and totally unacceptable this activity is. Now, we have Congressmen, movie stars and our own partners doing this..... It's too much... I am going insane tonight.

My partner points to the news clips and says... I never sent photos or entered chat rooms.... this guy is sick !!

Ok, maybe you didn't. But what is going on and why am I here...on a support site for people using or hurt by pornography.... if what you did is so less hurtful ?

maggie

[maggie]

"Who cares about definitions and whether something is relevant if it is digital or if there was physical contact. You don't have to re-define fidelity and cheating if you go with the baseline of "don't lie!".

WONLM... oh yea.. you got it !

Definitions and specifics don't really matter in reality.....

He said, she said...how it was delivered or received.... or the I didn't physically touch the person who was in my mind and thoughts while you were present.......

Stop the nonsense... in any way shape or form.... it is all the same exact thing.

[TooSensitive]

Ditto - I agree with all of the above, too.

Lusting is lusting, no matter what form it takes, and there is no getting around that.

Lying is lying too, no matter what form that takes, and there is no getting around that, either.

It is what it is, and until an addict stops trying to minimize, which is a form of denial...how can he consider himself recovered?

My h has done that minimization too. After coming home from meetings (which he no longer attends), he would sometimes say, "I'm not that bad, b/c I've never done what some of the other members have done". As if to say what he's done is somehow okay. He used to tend to forget how what he does affects me just the same.

All I know is that I feel what I feel as a result, and that it is what it is, and there is no getting around that, either.

I don't use the term "it is what it is" to minimize anything; I use it b/c some people need to face exactly what it is, which isn't what they try to make it out to be, which is less than what it really is.

[Hibiscus]

I don't know - it must be the news channels I watch, but I've been pretty encouraged by the press I've seen. The vast majority have made it clear, be it commentators, "experts" brought into the conversation, or polls of the general public, that what he engaged in was cheating. ABCs GMA made it their question of the day yesterday, and 86% of the respondants labeled it cheating.

I've also been encouraged by the amount of conversation focusing on the internet, and other technology, that has taken this type of behavior to a new extreme. I'm sure there will be endless debate about what can, or should, be done and what steps might take place to protect people. There aren't any easy answers, but I think increasing the conversation can only be a positive step.

Weiner's wife, Huma Aberdin, has worked closely with Hillary Clinton for 14 years. Considering everything she went through with former president Bill Clinton, wouldn't you love to be a fly on the wall for those conversations? Having been through so much in the public eye with BCs s*xual scandels, I imagine she has a lot to say and will offer her much support. It's difficult enough to go through this without everyone else knowing. I can't imagine the extra horror of having to work through this while in the glare of the public spotlight.