Looking in the Mirror

[RichBlack]

I went to my cousin, Hilary’s wedding this past weekend. And it was beautiful. I watched the ceremonies and smiled as Hilary walked down the isle. I even got a bit teary-eyed from the whole thing. She was so beautiful, and happy and I was touched. Over the past few days I have started to think about a lot, mostly “who I am”, and I must say it has been a very bittersweet experience. I asked myself the simple question: “are you ready for marriage”, “if you were to get married tomorrow would you make a good husband”? The answer is no. In the state I am in I am not ready, I would not make a good husband. A husband should be honest and true. He should be loyal and loving, and be devoted to his wife. He should not have eyes for anyone but his wife. These are high expectations, but this is what I believe in my heart. But I am not that man. I have cheated and lied. I have had desire for others. I believe in the bible it says that the one hand knows what the other is doing. If your hand leads you to sin, cut it off, because it is better to be rid of it. Now I haven’t practiced my faith in a long time, but I think that this applies to us all, whether we are religious or not. You can’t be both loyal and cheat. You can’t be loving and hating. The one crosses out the other. The fact is I cheated on my ex girlfriend (online chatrooms, private messaging, porn) and if I don’t change I will cheat on my next partner.

But to be fair I must also examine the good, because it is really there. I am intelligent and have a plan for my future. I am hard working (when I am focused). I can be caring, and loving. I can be passionate. I believe in respecting others, and much of the time I follow through. I value integrity and fairness. I don’t believe in shortcuts. I believe in hard work and never give up. I could go on and on, but I won’t. I have made my point.

But that is not who I am, that is who I want to be. And it is entirely different. As I said before you can’t be loyal and cheat, you can’t be honest and lie. You can’t be good and bad. Having values means nothing if you don’t apply them. You could have all of the good intentions in the world and all of the highest values and morals, but if you don’t apply them they don’t mean anything.

So, what now, Rich? Are you going to keep pretending nothing is wrong. Keep going on with the charade? Keep saying one thing and doing another? Or are you going to stand up and change? Practice what you preach. It will only determine your entire social and relationship future. So make your choice.

Rich

[RichBlack]

If I may, I'd like to clarify a few things. That post actually made me feel really good when I finished it. It is not about beating myself up or putting myself down. That is why I added those positive attributes. For me, it is about looking at myself in the mirror and really looking at what I see. The good and the bad. So, I didn't do this to put myself down at all. I just realized I wasn't getting anywhere before, because I would go two steps forward and then two steps back, and then would be shocked about being in the same situation over and over again. That is why I did this. If my life is a number line, I want to be at 0, instead of jumping from 2 to -2 over and over again. I would rather stand at 0 and then move my way up. It is awfully hard to get up to the next floor if you are walking up the down escalator . You can try and try, but I doubt you will ever get there. And I think this is a big part of RN too. It isn't about hyperfocusing on the bad. Not at all. Those bad characteristics are no more a part of me than the good ones. Or, on second thought, that isn't quite right. In theory, they are no more a part of me than the good ones. But in practice, they may be. If you use a line to represent it, and your positive values are on the right, and negative values (see RN workshop) are on the left, where are you? I just got tired of finding myself closer to the left all of the time, when I wanted to be to the right. RN spends quite a bit of time talking about negative or dark values, which at first I thought was a contradiction. How could greed, selfishness, etc. be values. But what I think RN means is that when we act out those are the ideas we are following.

Anyway. I just wanted to clarify that. I think both Isis and Transitionalgrace understood that, based on their responses. I just wanted to clarify that for everyone else. My goal isn't to beat myself into the ground, but to get to 0 or neutral, so that I can start working up. You have to accept yourself for who you are before you can change. That doesn't mean hyperfocusing on the bad at all. What it means is saying to yourself, yeah there are times when I am good, but often, there are times when I am bad. You have to get yourself to 0 or neutral. Then you can start eliminating the bad and focusing on the good. Don't know why I am using math analogies as I am not very good at math. Just sort of popped in there. Have a good day guys.

Rich