Have you rebuilt trust yet?

[rosie]

Those who are on the way to rebuilding their lives with their SO's - and who are in recovery, have you rebuilt trust or is it still a work in progress?

Are there still moments where trust is not there?

I'd love to hear how this aspect of recovery has worked for you.

[Crisodian]

I can honestly say we're working on it, but there are still bad times. Trust, as you know, doesn't come easy and isn't so freely given after the discovery of PA. There are still "triggering" moments for those of us who have broken trust to feel the panic, anger, rage, etc... all over again. It takes a split second to happen. Of course, the longer we are in recovery together, the less it happens and it's not so long-lived, but it still happenes.

Find peace,
~C~

[Beanhead]

I'm very curious about this question, Rosie.

I don't really think there will ever be trust again. It just doesn't happen that way. Like a glass jar, once it's cracked, it can't be glued back together and made to look the same as before.

I think there will always be some form of doubt in the back of my SOs mind for the rest of our lives; this is one of the results of my addiction that makes me so sick at heart.

So, to answer the question, we're rebuilding trust but I don't believe we'll ever get "all the way" back.

[stillandagain]

If someone other than my PA H (Beanhead) had written his reply, I think I would reply differently.

I WOULD reply that rebuilding trust is hard, very hard, work. But that is IS possible, that we have to believe it IS possible. Otherwise, why stay in relationship?

NOT trusting takes so much energy and feels hopeless. I want to feel hope, real hope. I think that real trust is related to real hope. Not just words, but action and relationship and faith, in the everyday, between two people. Isn't that what marriage vows are about, really about? I want to trust, more than anything. I need to trust. I hope and pray that I CAN and WILL trust. I think its the only way I can fully love!

Thats what I WOULD say.

Thats what I did say! :)

[maggie]

Thanks for the thoughtful question Rosie!

Once the shock of discovering what your partner was doing settles down....a stange new feeling of doubt permeates the relationship.

Is he the man I thought he was ? Is he honest and forthright ? Does he mean the things he says ?

It's been a year+ since d day and although he says he is p free.... we haven't been successful on rebuilding trust in our relationship.

Does trust develop in tiny increments or is there a lightbulb moment when we decide to ignore the past and feel secure ?

I do have a few moments of comfort with him, but then one tiny incident can ignite the entire Play: Acts I, II, III & IV.

He deceived me - lied to me when I completely believed in him. He told me I was crazy when I asked him if he was into p. I too laughed at myself for even thinking such a thing about him at the time. I was so confused by his increasing cold, distant behavior. He betrayed me to keep the circus performance going for himself, he told me I was crazy to accuse him of something so sick!

So I guess to retain what little sanity I have left, I should not ever trust him again. By trusting him so completely he was able to confuse me and deceive me...two feet away in the next room. He prevented me from trusting myself! That isn't a healthy mindset for me.

Please do not think I am bragging Rosie, but this nightmare has helped me to build TRUST in myself. I had the gut feeling something had gone wrong in our relationship, but he assured me that nothing had changed. I have always valued his opinion and I've made many important decisions in my life based soley on his advice. I should have trusted myself more and him less.

Now I do.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I trust my husband doesn't want to go back to P and chatting. I believe that he feels heartsick about what he did and who he was and he hates that man and never wants to go back. So, I do trust him on that or else I would have walked. Why would I be with him if I was just waiting for him to betray me again?

But, like Maggie said, there is a lot of doubt about my relationship. If he was settling for all those years and using P and the rest to make his life worthwhile, what does that say about him or our marriage? If he was so comfortable hurting me and lying all the time, who is he? I have serious trust issues about what kind of person he is. And I know he stayed in one bad marriage for reasons I still don't understand, so I know he is a stick with it kind of guy, even if he is miserable and hates his life. So, there are a lot of trust issues for me, but I feel these can be resolved over time, because time will prove him trustworthy or not.

Like Crisodian said, trust is getting better but bad stuff can flare up at the slightest thing. I am thankful that these flare ups are less frequent and shorter.

The worst thing about this trust issue is what Maggie said:

He prevented me from trusting myself!

Its a little bit evil for someone to make you think you are stupid or crazy when you are right. I am rebuilding my trust in myself. That's hard work too!

[FoolishMind]

When i began my recovery, I told my wife clearly, that I would never expect her to trust me again, and nor would I put her in a position where she needs to depend on trust.
My wife can now trust me, on being a good husband, father, and contributer to the family. But she has never had to trust my faithfulness for the last 3 years+ because she always knows where I am, and she also knows everything I do on the web.

Some would see that as not moving forward, I see it as total respect, and it has made us stronger than ever.

FM

[BelieveInHope]

I need to believe that it is possible. Trust is the foundation of a marriage. Will we get it back or better in our marriage? That question is unanswerable this early in the journey. It will take years. But like StillandAgain, I NEED to have HOPE.
I think trusting again is both a decision and a long, slow process of placing increased faith in our partners as they work to earn back our trust. They need to do the work. They need to understand that rebuilding trust is like rebuilding a destroyed house by hand, brick by brick, sweaty hour by sweaty hour, callous by callous. It is the SOs job to keep our hearts open, to make the decision daily to allow our partners back in as we witness and acknowledge the very real changes and transformations they are making in their lives.
People can and do change completely. A selfish, faithless man can become a strong, faithful man of integrity and courage. A selfish, resentful SO consumed with bitterness and anger can become a woman filled with grace, compassion, self-confidence, and strength.
This is what I believe and hope for.

[vintageturtle]

Interesting question. I was nodding along with WoNLM.

Since H confessed, I have thought a lot about trust. What is it, really? What does it mean? Why is it important? What does it do for me? I think that trusting someone is wonderful, but I think I have learned that it is possible to have "too much of a good thing" when it comes to trust. Or maybe, looking at it another way, it's OK to trust, even if my trust ends up being broken. It doesn't mean I was wrong to trust.

H and I made promises to each other and to God when we married. He broke some of them, even though I trusted him not to. But, so did God. Was God "wrong" to trust that H would keep his promise? I know, that's a different situation, it has a different meaning there, but I guess it helps me, when I'm feeling like an idiot or weak for wanting to forgive H, that I wasn't the only one who was betrayed. According to our beliefs, H's first, primary obligation is to God, to keep the commandments and put God first. Same goes for me. The consequences to H for breaking those commandments are more dire than the consequences of breaking his vows to me, and yet that didn't stop him. I think, for me, this goes hand-in-hand with realizing that my primary source of happiness can't be my H. It has to come from God. He's the only one who I should expect to be ever faithful and perfect. Of course, that doesn't mean that I shouldn't hold my H accountable at all, but the nature of a relationship with an imperfect human is that there will be imperfections in the relationship.

Sorry... tangent. The question was, have we rebuilt trust yet? Are there still moments where trust is not there? Short answers: No, and yes. But what does "rebuilding trust" mean? It's not going to be the same trust that it was before. I don't think that's possible. The trust between us is different now than it was before. And that's fine -- relationships change. I think if you're looking to regain the same trust you had before, you're going to be disappointed. In some ways, the trust between us is greater now than it was when we were first married, or before H confessed. I was greatly betrayed and hurt by his actions. But I am also greatly overwhelmed by the humility and integrity he has shown in deciding -- better late than never -- to confess to me and to our church leadership, and by the work he has done in following through with recovery. But I also have plenty of times when I worry, when I feel insecure. And that's normal. We have those feelings to keep us safe. When I feel insecure, it's an opportunity for me to take a closer look and what I'm feeling and why, and decide if that insecurity is based in reality or not.

I think we're on the right track with rebuilding trust. H is transparent. He's never upset or defensive about answering any questions I have. Is he perfect? No. Neither am I. But somehow, we manage. He works hard to be the man he knows I deserve to have for a partner, and I work hard to manage my fears and worries and give him a chance to prove himself.

[maggie]

I'm finding the answers to Rosie's question on " Trust " so interesting, since it is so important in a close relationship.

I told my wife clearly, that I would never expect her to trust me again, and nor would I put her in a position where she needs to depend on trust.

FMind... you clearly realize that you destroyed her trust and you seem to understand that she may always be a little hesistant about trusting you again. So instead of bickering over what you did or didn't do and hoping she'll just trust you.....you have relieved her of this worrying.
You don't expect her to just trust you now....it creates too much anxiety for her, so you are 100% transparent in your everyday activities. Great !

That seems like a good solution because it never puts her in a situation where she has to worry about what you may be doing. This must require alot of checking in with her and lots of calls and texts... it's so easy for a person to get sidetracked with work or other commitments and forget to call or inform the person who is worried.

BelieveinHope,

Trust is the foundation of a marriage. Will we get it back or better in our marriage? That question is unanswerable this early in the journey. It will take years

I agree that trust is the foundation of a marriage.
Really, do you even want to be a casual friend to someone you cannot trust? I hope my friends are people I can trust and when a "friend" betrays your confidence or acts selfishly, although we learn to accept it as human weakness and move forward, we may do so with a feeling of caution toward them. Never to be quite so open again.

I also agree with you that ' it can take years.' This is the tough part in a marriage, since you are living with and sharing your life with this person every day. Interactions with a friend or co-worker are brief and less involved, so even if you don't fully trust them, it is not as pressing as being in a close relationship. These years will be emotionally challenging.

WONLM,
You always put ideas into words better than I can. I too, trust or believe that my H does not want to ever get lost in the fog of p again.
I believe or trust him in that respect. But, he is a big boy and p wasn't some obscure thing he didn't know and innocently began.
So here is the necessity of PA's analyzing how they got involved in it as adult men, not hormonal teenagers.

I don't want to remain bitter or resentful, I've never felt that way before in my life and I'm pretty sure I must have gotten hurt many times along the way !!

The hurts and disappointments that I remember from my past, never felt so personal as this hurt feels within a marriage.
Highschool or college friends that acted selfishly and hurt others...are just that... highschool and college kids!!!
I expected more honesty and loyalty from an adult in a marital union.

I don't want to remain resentful, it's been well over a year since d day and we can share some things together with our family and friends that bring us joy, but for my own self-protection I need to trust myself and believe myself first. I've never done that before with H and I do wonder how any of this could have ever happened if I had just trusted myself and not believed his words.

Stillagain,

NOT trusting takes so much energy and feels hopeless

I agree. Not believing in or trusting someone does take more energy. Worrying and trying to figure things out is draining. It was so much easier when I went about life with a clear and secure feeling of a stable family life. I understand so clearly now how some students come to school in a fog, tired and troubled and cannot focus on the lesson or on learning when they are worried about their parents or home situation. Yes, worry drains our energy.

Maggie