Counselling

[stillandagain]

I would be interested in hearing your experiences with PA Counselling.

My PA H and I have seen a counselor (experienced with PA) separately and together - once. At the first together session he said he'd like to see us together only. He is rather insistent.

What has worked for you?

What was the setting and format?

[rosie]

We went for marriage counseling before we knew it was 'porn addiction counseling' - we had too much personal stuff to solve before he would work with us together! :( So, its probably a good sign that he insists on it being together! lol We have only just started couples counseling last week after 2 years of individual sessions. We are at a much better place to be able to do this now - i think it depends where you are at and how much things have degraded between the two of you!

I personally feel separate and couples therapy is good, but whatever works for you...

[ToddR]

What has worked for you?

When it came to counseling --- it was finding that therapist that you clicked with --- that therapist that "clicked" with you and, in turn, you "clicked with them" --- that is ... personal one-on-one counseling --- that was the crucial step necessary for me to progress towards a mental healing.

If you are uncomfortable with your therapist you just won't get on the same wavelength --- you won't open up --- and, in turn, the therapist will be blocked --- STOP! You are wasting your time and your money --- don't go to therapy because your SO says to --- or, you feel obligated or guilty --- go because you want help and you want a solution.

Originally, it was my ex that essentially "forced" me to see a therapist. In my family, there was no need for therapists. The mantra was "suffer in silence". Therapists were for those that were "sick". Therapy was for those that were too weak to help themselves. I was above therapy. My pride was being threatened --- therefore, I was not in the right frame of mind when I went to my first therapist --- I essentially was under the gun --- therapy or divorce. I only bring this up because you need at least to be open if the suggestion for therapy comes from your SO.

I highly suggest that you see a marriage counselor before seeing a therapist. Why? Typically, because a marriage counselor will "interview" you and your SO as a couple and then isolate you into two separate interviews. This enables the counselor to qualify the couple and the individuals to determine the approach. Most often, the counselor will recommend a therapist for singular therapy. The marriage counselor can only address couples not individual cases in conjunction with couples therapy. As a result --- you will have the advantage of being properly dispatched to a therapist that will immediately know how to address your issues --- no need for costly and time consuming trial and error of seeking a therapist without a referral.

You will then commence with singular therapy sessions which at one point your therapist will recognize the right moment to ease you back into marriage counseling. Your solo therapy sessions will then be replaced by dual marriage counseling.

Honestly, marriage counseling did not work for me. Not because of the marriage counselor --- not because of me --- but because of my SO. Concurrent to our sessions I discovered that my SO was having an affair with a co-worker. Surprisingly, my gentle confrontation enraged my SO --- angrily and sarcastically responding how this will make our next session "interesting". The affair was brought up at our next session but our counselor chose to continue from where we left off with said affair to be addressed in the next session. As I expected --- the SO pulled the plug on all future marriage counseling --- which meant she would avoid being held accountable not by me but by a marriage professional.

What did work for me was to return to my therapist. This time I did so through my own actions. This was not a responsive gesture to my SO but instead a proactive move of my own --- I wanted to go --- Personally, it took (3) therapists, (2) marriage counselors and (1) social worker to get to a therapist that "got me". Each professional along the way was helpful in there own way but it was the last one that got to the core --- the source --- the cause of my anxieties and issues. Note that the primary reason for channeling through so many personal counselors was primarily due to their relocation to other cities. As a result --- and, through the departing counselors recommendations --- I ended up with the therapist that truly "clicked" with me.

Needless to say -

My SO became my ex after a grueling year of patience and suspicion. Reluctantly, I hired a private investigator and discovered a second affair. But, it was not until I again gently confronted her with solid evidence of her phone records did she finally pull the plug. She pulled the plug because she got caught in two affairs. Weird. To this day, she is unaware that I had hired a P.I. Not sure as to why I have kept it to myself all these years.

Anyways -

What worked for me was this -

Finding the right THERAPIST -

Taking the right MEDICATION
(it was recommended by one therapist and refined by another)

Finding the right S.O.

Finding THROUGH THE FLAME

I discovered many things about myself through this process --- a process that took (5) years.

I discovered that my ex's unilateral choice to abstain from having sex with me for the last (4) years of our marriage deeply damaged my self esteem.

I also discovered that online pornography is viewed as a natural and almost necessary sexual outlet for a man who is living a life of chastity. No. This was not a personal hypothesis. This was a universal professional diagnosis. Believe me --- I led each initial therapy session with each new psychological professional with the guilt of having become so reliant on the unnatural practice of seeking sexual pleasure through online porn. And, in turn, each therapist would side-step my confession and focus on both my past marriage and my ex-wife as the source of my guilt and anxiety.

I discovered that I was a PA. And, within that realization, I had to admit to myself that I was afraid to step away from pornography because it had temporarily become a hidden aspect of my personality. To step away from the monitor --- To abstain from pornography --- not just a finite goal but an infinite commitment --- was at first like removing an arm or a leg or an internal organ. I was scared to to let go but also horrified as to how much pornography had infected my mind and ravaged my health.

I discovered that the absence of pornography was nearly as cleansing as divorce. I was essentially divorcing pornography not under the powers of the judicial system but under the supporting eyes of this online community.

What had worked for me and only me was the right combination of internal and external solutions that worked for me

No. These recommendations probably will not work for you. What will work for you is your own personal internal / external ammunition. Marriage counseling will not permanently remove PA from your system. That doesn't mean it doesn't work --- it just means it is just one ingredient to the recipe for your freedom. PA was --- was --- a powerful sickness that was deep-rooted in my system. You will need a combination of tools to enable you to rip it out by its roots. If you leave just a little of it in your system it'll grow back like the weeds that are starting to pop up in your yard.

my two cents (well maybe more)

[chasman62]

Excellent post. Thanks. I am having some struggles with my current therapist right now and am hoping to work through them rather than actually start all over again with someone else. Can't imagine going through as many as you did.

[ToddR]

Yes. I went through a number of therapists. Yes. With each new therapist, you need to "start over". But, I was guided by my departing therapist to a professional that would be immediately in tune with my needs and my past therapeutic process. Yes. There was the need to re-tell my story but the transition is accelerated by the fact that the old therapist and the new therapist are associates.

I only "struggled" with my very first therapist as I had repeatedly caught him nodding off --- Boy! Ain't that a kick in the ego!!! Troubles that are so top of mind to you end up easing your therapist into a little REM sleep. Doesn't matter whether he was awake or asleep --- he still got his hourly rate.

Regarding your struggles -

Remember. You essentially have "hired" your therapist to perform a service. He/she is "working" for you. If you are unhappy with your "employee's" performance you have every right to make known your disappointment. If you cannot get past these struggles do not hesitate to ask to be referred to someone else.

As terribly sexist as this sounds -

Your issue may simply be the gender of your therapist. Personally, I was much more comfortable with a female. Me. Mr. Shy. Mr. Private --- opening up and discussing extremely private aspects of my life to a member of the opposite sex. I realized this early on when I connected with our first marriage counselor who was quite a striking woman. From that point on, I requested that any referral be to a female therapist.

No. This was not a means of feeding some male fantasy. For whatever reason, I struggled with male therapists.

Whereas, to this day, I prefer a male physician. But, then again --- I have never had a female doctor -

Anyways -

BE SELFISH with your needs. ONLY YOU are responsible for your recovery from this addiction. If your struggles continue you need to make a change. Don't worry. Your therapist is a professional. You will not be the first patient that chose to move on -