Projecting our anger (a how to NOT do it guide)

[Bird-boy]

Sometimes, when I'm flicking through the tv channels or when I'm in a school lunchroom full of people, and I hear passing talk of P and whatnot, I just get so angry inside.

I'm not one to confront someone I know, let alone a stranger--but I feel guilty later on for just feeling soooooo angry at them. My guess (not being an expert) is that I subconsciously transfer some of my guilt onto them, like I'm blaming them for my problems partially.

I guess the big question from me, and those with the same experience, is how do I deal with anger the right way--whether towards self or unjustly toward others?

What's the correct way to deal with any anger?

[rosie]

Sometimes, when I'm flicking through the tv channels or when I'm in a school lunchroom full of people, and I hear passing talk of P and whatnot, I just get so angry inside.

I'm not one to confront someone I know, let alone a stranger--but I feel guilty later on for just feeling soooooo angry at them. My guess (not being an expert) is that I subconsciously transfer some of my guilt onto them, like I'm blaming them for my problems partially.

I guess the big question from me, and those with the same experience, is how do I deal with anger the right way--whether towards self or unjustly toward others?

What's the correct way to deal with any anger?

I am currently trying to deal with anger, and so I am in no way an expert on this, but wanted to share!

I have come to notice that my anger is a REACTION to another feeling. It is not THE feeling at the bottom of it. The feeling underneath is shame, hurt, sadness, or fear. So when I get angry, it is a reaction to a threat from something I am feeling.

Anger usually comes up and reacts as a result of past situations (hurt) or future worry (fear). Anger is our biological response to a threat to our survival or well-being - so its important to acknowledge that anger is healthy to experience (because your body is warning you correctly!), but of course we need to learn how to contain that in a civilized society where we can't take our anger out on other people.

The best way I have found to deal with anger is to "ground myself" immediately when I become aware of my anger. Connect to my body and notice what I am feeling instead of letting the anger spiral (in my mind) take over and escalate. It takes a lot of practice and conscious will, but it does work. By processing/feeling the ACTUAL emotion, with self-soothing and 'being present in your body' instead of your mind, your anger should decrease in time.

Hope this helps somewhat :)

[JenMac]

HI Birdboy!!
I have spoken to someone very recently about his seeming anger and how he is using that to fuel his recovery and his anger towards the industry helps to make him want to continuously educate himself and others. He is furthering his recovery by continual education in this, even when it may be uncomfortable, because he never wants to find himself in that situation again and I believe it is his way of making amends for his small part in this destructive industry.
I liken it to a reformed smoker being angry at the smoking industry. Justified, I believe, completely justified.
I think anger is a good thing Birdboy! Anger is necessary at times of injustice and this is certainly one of those times!!
I have felt that same anger, and I think the best you can do is to use that anger when possible to relate your thoughts and opinions. They may not always be welcome but when we speak our minds, we always feel a little better for doing so.
Jenn

[gnein]

I think Jen Mac has a good point. Anger is something we all experience at different times to varying degrees. While I believe it's best to avoid things that cause you anger, once it's inside you, it's then important to try to find a positive outlet. I also think to a certain degree, we have a right to feel anger toward the P industry. After all, this is an industry that exploits those who regularly view P without any regard for our wellbeing. I believe one way to fight back against the industry is to come to sites like TTF and help others who are struggling to overcome their addiction. Every person who kicks this habit is effectively denying the P industry of revenue.

Other ways I deal with anger (which may be related to life issues other than P) include strenuous exercise, listening to music, or even getting on the Internet and just having a good rant about whatever is annoying me at the time. I think everyone should have ways to deal with their anger. Some nights I might go for a run or bicycle ride just to work off surplus frustration from general life on a particular day. I'm planning to do just that in around 30 minutes.

[mell]

I lean more toward Rosie's take on anger. I have anger issues myself.

I have to take a step back and look at the situation. Many times I find that what is making me angry is something that I have failed to deal with on my own personal level. P is a great example. I have failed to stay sober, so when others bring it up, I can get angry at them, when I am really angry that I haven't been able to resolve my own issues with it.

Another method I use is to realize that I cannot control what others say or do. Chances are, they are not trying to make me angry, what they are doing is not about me at all, but about them. I try to find serenity in these situations. Saying / thinking of the serenity prayer really helps me to put my feelings into place and move on from the situation.

[stillandagain]

I'd like to add that EXPRESSING ANGER is relatively new for me (believe it or not, Beanhead!). I was one to stuff my feelings and seem even and "non-anxious" on the outside. I think there is a healthy component to the energy of anger. Discerning the line between healthy expression of necessary/righteous and out-of-control rage is a tough one. THIS TIME, I have been the most angry, inside and out, that I have even been in my life.

Thanks for the focused topic for discussion!

[maggie]

Anger....

Anger is necessary at times of injustice and this is certainly one of those times!!

I agree. Witnessing something that is clearly wrong or unjust should stir a feeling of anger, but it's frustrating when this happens and we are unable to do anything about it. I like your reply Jenn

I think the best you can do is to use that anger when possible to relate your thoughts and opinions.

I have been trying to do this more instead of holding it inside. Hence...speaking out more and more postings on TTF !!

Also as mom to 3 sons, I always tried to be " cool " and not give my conservative opionion on insignificant social issues ( like clothing or styles, piercings, tattoos or rap music ) that would make me sound like a dinosaur or the Church Lady from Saturday Night Live !!

Now, due to my anger over what p has done to our family, I speak up more, as Jenn said," to relate my thoughts and opinions " on minor social trends to them. If they laugh at what I say, that's their choice.

Ex.
While watching some of the Royal Wedding scenes on tv, I actually said to the 2 older boys that it was nice to see a beautiful young bride standing at the church alter respectfully, not flaunting cleavage in a low cut strapless gown!! I'm not a guy, but dressing that way really draws your attention to that area immediately.... Maybe I really am Church Lady !!

Mell- So accurate here with this personalization aspect:

I find that what is making me angry is something that I have failed to deal with on my own personal level.

Chances are, they are not trying to make me angry, what they are doing is not about me at all, but about them.

Taking another's words as a personal assault, when it was not meant to be that at all. So true, it's like a personal guilt. If we feel we have failed in some area, just someone mentioning anything related to that area can cause anger. I've noticed that my H does this frequently now since d day.

Maggie