Natural Attraction

[EliasHeart]

I wanted to share something with all you that will hopefully be of benefit.


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Disclaimer: Note that I only speak from my understanding and experience in a marital relationship. For this reason I generally only refer to martial relationships between a man and woman. Although there are many other different types of relationships, my posts highlight the male-female traditional martial relationship, similar to my own.
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Almost all men marry exchanging vows of faithfulness to their wives and to themselves that they would never seek a woman aside from their lawfully wedded spouse. We say, “I love you” and work our magic to make our wives giggle. We’re in love and have no worries about anything else. As long as we’re together, we’re happy and content and nothing bothers us. We don’t think of P just like we don’t think of the stress caused by a boss breathing down our necks!


However, once the honeymoon finishes, some men finds themselves returning back to PA and even going as far as having physical relations with others. A study in 2006 reported that about 24% of married men cheat at least once on their spouses. Other studies have reported this figure to be as high as 38%. If the rate of affairs is so high, then spouses who view P may be as high if not higher.


Looks like the PA’icts’s initial promise of faithfulness have shifted in the polar opposite direction!


The PA finds himself in a difficult situation, especially since he vowed to always be faithful. Clearly, the PA’ict misunderstood something about himself which resulted in him returning to his PA.


Then one day while checking her email, the spouse discovers P in the history logs dating as far back as possible. It’s not soft P either; it’s very explicit depicting images of things she never imagined in her life. She’s grossed by its sight and wants to vomit. And she’s shattered. She can’t understand why the closest person to her would consciously hurt her so deeply after promising to love only her forever – both physically and emotionally. She’s devastated that he’s objectified sex, and she feels dirty and self-conscious by feeling like another object in his twisted lustful fantasies. Furthermore, she doesn’t understand how he can have so much pleasure in something that hurts her so much, while continuing to secretly do it time and time again, even after being discovered! To her, the physical and emotional attachment to the woman on the screen is a clear breach of their vows of love. She feels cheated and that he doesn’t really care.


The SO finds herself in a difficult situation, especially since he vowed to always be faithful. Clearly, the SO also misunderstood something about her spouse.


To add to the confusion, in the midst of this mess, the PA says that he loves his wife, has always loved her, and will always love her – very difficult for an SO to believe!


You know what’s even more confusing? Most of the time, as hard as it is to believe, the PA is actually being honest. It doesn’t seem logical, but he does still love his spouse. The underlying problem is the misunderstanding by both parties.


The Underlying Misunderstanding
Both men and women very often fail to identify or recognize the underlying misunderstanding which draws men to P and women to being so devastated when they discover the PA.


The key is this: women are attractive.

It sounds very simple. Very obvious. Noting new. But it is also commonly overlooked which results in huge implications. Men are attracted to women. This could be a physical attachment, emotional attachment, spiritual attachment, social attachment or any combination of these attachments. It starts from an early age and is true until the day we die. We all have different levels of attraction and attracted more or less depending on countless personal and environmental factors. However, as a principle, men are attracted to women. This doesn’t change on whether or not we’re married- before marriage we’re attracted to women and after marriage we’re still attracted to women.


The Common Expectation
The attraction of men to women is definitely not an excuse for our PA. Although men have this attraction, we make promises when we get married. We make a vow to ourselves and to our wives that we won’t seek any other woman because “you’re my girl”. We promise our wives that they will be the only intimate connection in our lives – at all levels. The successful loving marriages will eventually experience this exclusive connection.


Both husbands and wives must not fail to realize, however, that other women don’t all of a sudden become unattractive. They didn’t change. They were always as attractive as they always were. What’s changed is the expectation of how we handle our attraction towards other women in the light of our vows of marriage.


Why this is important

This may sound very simple, but it’s usually the simplest things in life which are the most complex and the most often neglected.


When husbands are able to admit how they are attracted to women, they can be vigilant of themselves and their own marriages in order that they establish and abide by ground rules for what is acceptable in their relationship. This requires constant vigilance on oneself throughout life, regardless of whether or not we’re attached to P - though this is especially true for those with a PA. In a “sexafied” society, this is essential if we want healthy monogamous marriages. This is a huge responsibility for us husbands.


Wives, it’s also important to internalize this understanding, that men are attracted to women, in order to be constantly vigilant about your marriages. By vigilance I don’t mean suspicion. Rather, provide daily contributions to the wellbeing of your relationship to help your man to not wander. Also make it clear to him what is acceptable by setting boundaries with him and then both help each other be accountable for keeping within these limits. And of course, provide strength and influence through love in order to help motivate him to stay committed to the exclusive relationship.


My wife’s on a trip out of town for a couple days. She just sent me an email saying, “I love you. It’s so nice outside. I wish I could go for a walk with my husband.” She made me smile, so I went online to search for a cute picture to send her, like of two fat elephants that have their trunks caught in a knot! I typed in “cutie” and the #1 result was raw P.


This is a classic example of trying to work towards a healthy relationship, but being bombarded with s*x. If we’re to maintain happy marriages, then this is a battle we must all recognize and fight. It’s a battle we cannot lose!



In kindness,
Elias ~o)

[Hopeful]

When husbands are able to admit how they are attracted to women, they can be vigilant of themselves and their own marriages in order that they establish and abide by ground rules for what is acceptable in their relationship. This requires constant vigilance on oneself throughout life, regardless of whether or not we’re attached to P - though this is especially true for those with a PA. In a “sexafied” society, this is essential if we want healthy monogamous marriages. This is a huge responsibility for us husbands.

Elias...I am having a problem with why this is a huge problem for our husbands. There certainly is a big difference between thinking someone is beautiful and being "attracted" to them.

As for this statement....

Wives, it’s also important to internalize this understanding, that men are attracted to women, in order to be constantly vigilant about your marriages. By vigilance I don’t mean suspicion. Rather, provide daily contributions to the wellbeing of your relationship to help your man to not wander. Also make it clear to him what is acceptable by setting boundaries with him and then both help each other be accountable for keeping within these limits. And of course, provide strength and influence through love in order to help motivate him to stay committed to the exclusive relationship.

As ridiculous as this might sound....Marriage is a two way street. It is not the spouses responsibility to make sure the other one doesn't wander. It is the responsibility of both partners to stay committed to the exclusive relationship. As for motivation...your love for your wife (or husband) should be your motivation, not what have they done for me today.

[chasman62]

Ok so in the vein of trying to be positive and careful about what I say I am going to attempt to be fair minded about this.

Elias, I think you are in danger of trivializing what true p and s compulsion is. I didn't spend hours of time and thousands of dollars on something because I was 'attracted to women'. That is like saying someone became an alcoholic because they 'liked the taste of scotch'. Whilst it is certainly true that basic curiosity coupled with the undoubted visual appeal of seeing naked women leads probably most men to have occasionally looked at some form of p either in magazines or the internet, that does not constitute addiction or compulsion.

There is absolutely nothing that my SO could have done any differently to prevent any of this from happening. It had absolutely nothing to do with 'being vigilent' whatever that means. I lived a secretive, double life, and would have defended my right to that until the very end. She was endlessly patient and supportive of me until right up to the very end when my increasingly erratic behavior led her to finally start doing some investigating.

My compulsive need for online sexual interactions with anonymous women had absolutely nothing to do with the normal rules of 'attraction' between men and women. It was a coping mechanism and an ego feeding exercise, and a manifestation of deeper psychological issues.

Interested to see what other people think.

Chas

[BelieveInHope]

I don't have time to reply the way I want to, and maybe that's for the best.
I will say this:

Um,
Women are attracted to men too.
Men are attractive physically, intellectually, and emotionally. Men are attractive before and after marriage.
I am not dead. I know an attractive man when I see one.
I agree with Chas. PA is about unhealthy coping mechanisms and an inability to deal with stress and negative emotions stemming from deeper psychological issues--with my H's PA it stems from severe physical and emotional neglect from extremely selfish, toxic parents.
I will "bite my tongue" so to speak and stop there.
After repeating:
Women are attracted to men too.

[Hibiscus]

Heterosexual men find heterosexual women attractive - ok, got it. But news flash...heterosexual women find men to be attractive. However, when people commit to each other and agree to a monogomous relationship, it is up to EACH of them to set boundaries for themselves that protect that monogomous relationship.

In a typical marriage or commited relationship, a large amount of time will be spent apart from each other. Couples should be able to have the piece of mind of knowing their partner is making the right choices because they want to protect the relationship and because it is the right thing to do - not just because they might get caught and not just because their partner is constantly reminding them of their bond and commitment. Those reminders are nice and certainly add to the warm, fuzzy feeling we all hope to have in our relationships. But a partner should not have to shoulder the burden and concern that without constant ego stroking, their partner may stray...visually or otherwise.

My husband's PA began many years before I entered the picture. It continued throughout our relationship, including the very good times. Feeling completely loved and valued by me didn't eliminate the pull towards P for him.

In contrast, my husband is the first to admit that at NO POINT in our entire relationship has he truly worried that I would engage in similar behavior...with an image or a live person. Not because he was being vigilant about my needs and desires, but solely because I am true to my word and my commitment. Cheating on him, in any way, would have been cheating on myself and my own values. He knows that because I have never given him a single reason to believe otherwise in the 25 years he has known me. I wish I was able to live with that same piece of mind, but my husband's PA forever changed that for both of us.

We are currently both working hard to recover from years of this agony. But make no mistake - neither of us believes for a second that there is any magic amount of "reminders" I could provide that would prevent P, in whatever form, from creeping back into our lives. That burden lays squarely on my husband's shoulders. He is the only one who can set his mind on full, permanent recovery and make the personal choices necessary to make this a lifelong change. I offer my love and support, but he needs to make the right choices everyday...even on the days when he isn't getting the warm, fuzzy vibe from me.

[ToddR]

However, once the honeymoon finishes

Honeymoons are a myth. You are either married or you are not --- got remarried last September --- no honeymoon (couldn't afford it) --- about to turn 50 --- feel like 17.

some men finds themselves returning back to PA

Told the wife about my issue with online porn before we got married --- learned this from politicians running for President --- better to get all the dirt out before so it doesn't scuttle you after

The PA finds himself in a difficult situation, especially since he vowed to always be faithful. Clearly, the PA’ict misunderstood something about himself which resulted in him returning to his PA.

Is being a PA considered to be unfaithful? Been on the receiving end of a wife who had not one but two affairs. Now that's unfaithful --- a closet PA --- that's just being dishonest -

To her, the physical and emotional attachment to the woman on the screen is a clear breach of their vows of love. She feels cheated and that he doesn’t really care.

In my heyday, I never experienced any attachment --- just temporary arousal --- most often I did not return to the same images but always on the hunt for something new

You know what’s even more confusing? Most of the time, as hard as it is to believe, the PA is actually being honest. It doesn’t seem logical, but he does still love his spouse. The underlying problem is the misunderstanding by both parties.

Does addiction diminish ones love for another?
Isn't being a PA like having any other sickness that needs treated?
If I am addicted to pain killers does that mean I love my wife less. It's the lying and the covering up that is screwing up the trust --- not the love.

The key is this: women are attractive. It sounds very simple. Very obvious. Noting new. But it is also commonly overlooked which results in huge implications. Men are attracted to women. This could be a physical attachment, emotional attachment, spiritual attachment, social attachment or any combination of these attachments. It starts from an early age and is true until the day we die. We all have different levels of attraction and attracted more or less depending on countless personal and environmental factors. However, as a principle, men are attracted to women. This doesn’t change on whether or not we’re married- before marriage we’re attracted to women and after marriage we’re still attracted to women.

Yep. Men are attracted to women. Still does not explain the lying about online porn. In my opinion, it's not the attraction that brings you back and keeps you there --- it's the rush --- there's your addiction.

The Common Expectation
The attraction of men to women is definitely not an excuse for our PA. Although men have this attraction, we make promises when we get married. We make a vow to ourselves and to our wives that we won’t seek any other woman because “you’re my girl”. We promise our wives that they will be the only intimate connection in our lives – at all levels. The successful loving marriages will eventually experience this exclusive connection.

Dude. The words "I will always be faithful" may not be in bold in your vows but there is a reason why it takes a legal process to break-up a marriage. Marriage is a binding contract. As cold as that sounds --- it takes time, money, and the legal system to undo your vows.

Both husbands and wives must not fail to realize, however, that other women don’t all of a sudden become unattractive. They didn’t change. They were always as attractive as they always were. What’s changed is the expectation of how we handle our attraction towards other women in the light of our vows of marriage.

Yep. I think the girl (note "girl") behind the counter at Kinko's is attractive. I think the librarian down the street has a killer body. The blonde bank teller looks like a freakin' Playboy playmate. Sorry. Attracted yes. Acting on it no. You do not have the benefit of hitting all women besides your wife with an ugly stick.

Fortunately, my attraction to my wife is constantly within a battle of whether I am attracted to her exterior or her interior. This is marriage #2. With marriage #1, I realized that I married the wrong person because I did not love the interior. Her barely civil relationship with me now further proves that point.

You need to love both ---

There is absolutely no interior with women online

When husbands are able to admit how they are attracted to women, they can be vigilant of themselves and their own marriages in order that they establish and abide by ground rules for what is acceptable in their relationship. This requires constant vigilance on oneself throughout life

Only one rule is necessary. Don't break the trust. Don't lie. Don't cheat --- which is essentially exponentially lying --- being trustworthy should not be a chore.

Wives, it’s also important to internalize this understanding, that men are attracted to women, in order to be constantly vigilant about your marriages. By vigilance I don’t mean suspicion. Rather, provide daily contributions to the wellbeing of your relationship to help your man to not wander. Also make it clear to him what is acceptable by setting boundaries with him and then both help each other be accountable for keeping within these limits. And of course, provide strength and influence through love in order to help motivate him to stay committed to the exclusive relationship.

Okay. Two rules are necessary. Keep the trust --- meaning no lying --- Keep the fires burning --- a healthy sex life means a man (or woman) will not need another sexual outlet whether that means porn or an affair or whatever --- we are human beings --- we are built for sex --- if we don't get it then we need to find an outlet ---

[EliasHeart]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

This is great insight - you've provided a lot of feedback to relfect on. I'll ponder for a bit and get back to you hopefully soon.


Enjoy the weekend.
Best,

Elias ~o)

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Elias,

Of all the things you said, I want to address this:

By vigilance I don’t mean suspicion. Rather, provide daily contributions to the wellbeing of your relationship to help your man to not wander.

This idea upsets me a lot. It is not my job to make my husband not wander. Period. If he wants to wander, he should take off his ring and leave. If I was a shrieking jealous raging banchee built like a bulldog with a head like an elephant and burned every meal I ever cooked and force fed it to him with a clothes pin on his nose, he still has a CHOICE. If he wants to wander, take off the ring first, and leave it off. Period. As a wife, as the chosen one who has been sworn to, I have no desire to worry if my husband will cheat if I am less than wonderful every day.

I do agree that both partners need to work every day to make sure their partner feels loved and secure. But this should be an expression of love, not an insurance policy against wandering eyes, hearts and body parts.

I am also well aware and realistic about the natural attraction that occurs between the sexes, directed both ways and not exclusively from men to women. But there is a huge difference between a glance and quick acknowledgement of God's handiwork, and what my husband was doing online. It is too simplistic to say P is the result of some people's attractivion to attractive people. I am pretty sure there is a thread devoted to the naturalness of noticing attractive people and how to make sure this is not obsessive and controlling lustful thoughts.

[BelieveInHope]

If I was a shrieking jealous raging banchee built like a bulldog with a head like an elephant and burned every meal I ever cooked and force fed it to him with a clothes pin on his nose, he still has a CHOICE. If he wants to wander, take off the ring first, and leave it off. Period."
I don't know how to do quotes but WONLM,
I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for posting this. Hilariously worded, and 100% THE TRUTH.
:-)

[Zachary]

You know, I read this... diatribe? Tirade? Whatever.... before the site went down for maintenance. I didn't know how to respond at that time, but.... really Elias? I've read some things on here that I didn't agree with, but to me, at least, this just seems like one giant advertisement for "Blame dem wimenz! Dem WIMENZ!" What you're saying here, whether you realize it or not, is that P addiction and wandering eyes are the fault of the female population and men are just the dummies along for the ride. What, we just looooove women so much, we can't help but stare? You mean we can't help but objectify and give unwanted attention to every poor female we pass on the street? And, Maude have mercy, when we do it's the responsibility of our partner to work harder so it might not happen again? And they should just accept that, because that's how we're wired or some evo-psyche garbage along those lines?

Don't speak for me as a male, please, and we'll get along just fine. I'd like to think your intentions were good, but we don't get to pass the buck of responsibility. Not here.