What is the most hurtful part for an SO?

[EliasHeart]

Hello All,

I've asked this question privately to people and received great insight. I want to open this question up to see what other SOs have to say as well:

What is the single most painful part of discovering/learning about your husband's PA? I'm sure there are many thoughts racing, but I'm wondering what was the worst part of all of it? Was it the PA? The betrayal? Lying? Unfaithfullness?

I want to get down to the core of the conflict.


Thanks a lot in advance SOs for your insight.

Best,

Elias ~o)

[Charly22]

I would have to say, the most hurtful part of it is the way it makes me feel like I am not exclusive. It makes me feel like I am not his one and only desire. It puts me into this huge arena of all the lustful things that he can collect, and stands me next to all the other cheap, dirty, shameful, unloving crap. Makes me feel cheap, used, less than, stripped away of my womanhood. Makes me feel like I'm not as special as I thought I was.

So, yeah, the feelings of unfaithfulness is the worst part about it for me. And it's quite confusing and feels like torture that everyone wants to think you are being extreme by calling it "cheating".

It is the worst emotional pain I have ever had to endure in my life.

I'm sure the lying is pretty close to the worst part about it as well. I have been lied to and that is certainly something I cannot accept. No relationship can withstand the lies and the lack of trust.

[Hopeful]

EliasHeart,

At first I thought the most painful part of this was that he preferred P & MB to me.

But the hardest part I have had dealing with was the treatment I endured all these years because of this. It is still something I'm trying to forgive and forget....not that I haven't to some degree...but it still creeps in every once and awhile.

[maggie]

Great question Elias...

But not an easy one to answer. There are so many aspects to it and ways to look at it.

It's an addiction...that seems logical since it causes chemical changes in the brain and body...as well as psychological changes...enough is never enough..

It's infidelity. Looking at and saving pics of naked women to have imaginary sx with, whether or not there is actual contact.

I haven't yet identified all of the broken boundaries caused by PA.
The lying, the deceit, the conscious planning out of private time to act out, the attitude change toward women, the disrespect, the broken promises, the psychological affect on the mind, the physical effects on the body and brain chemicals.....and on and on.

The most painful. To realize the man you trust 100% has been lying to you and doing something that he clearly knows would shock you and destroy your trust in him.

[stillandagain]

Its hard to say what the MOST hurtful part has been

If it can be rolled up into a pile of feelings, I have to say the automatic and consistent lying, the disappointment and surprise over broken promises, the emptiness of the words, the feeling of betrayal, of not being enough, the fear of the effect of risks he took, the shock over the infidelity, the sadness over his choice and seeming lack of control over it and utter lack of self-awareness that there was a serious problem, my overreaction to it all and rage, my embarassment about the enabling - NOT leaving when I threatened, "joining" him at first in using P togerher, being in a second PA relationship, paying for his P and the media he used

bottom line, though, is that the MOST hurtful part is that it REALLY hurts, on so many levels. HURTS to the core.

(I am so glad the hurt-part is lessening)

[Crisodian]

The MOST painful for me was knowing that what I thought was "ours", (what was personal, private, special), our intimacy - wasn't what I thought it was. He gave that away to someone else to seek his high. His thoughts, emotions, dedication, devotion...all gone to pixels and words on a screen. The infidelity was crushing.

That is followed VERY close second by the lies. The illusion of trust.

And while the most painful part was being non-exclusive (as Charly so eloquently put it), the most damaging part was the lies. The lying and betrayal have long lasting implications.

Peace,
~C~

[stillandagain]

I have thought more about this.

another thing that is very hurtful is my self-imposed isolation, based on the feelings I named in my previous post.

that, too, is getting better, but barely.
I am apprehensive about the longterm results.

[JenMac]

This is a copy of the pm response I gave to Elias when he asked me this question.


Hi Elias,
I find this question a little hard to answer. Of course I feel it is all of the above!!
When I hear other SOs say it is more the lies than it is the actual P, I have to disagree for my own feelings. I feel equally strong about both I am afraid.
After giving this some thought, I think the hard thing for me is realizing that my H, even though knowing how strongly I felt about all of this, was still able to make a concious choice to go there. It feels like he made a conscious choice to hurt me. And so I have had to come to terms with the fact that the person I love dearly is capable of hurting me and doing it knowingly. That is a biggie for me.
I also still find that my mind stops me from going to places where I think of what my H was actually participating in and so I have to say that the hurt is immense from the very actions that he was partaking in, what he was actually viewing.
The pain and grief I feel from the realization that life is not as I knew it to be, is an earth-shattering experience Elias! One that I would not wish on anyone. It makes you feel off balance with everything you have known, both past and present and that is a frightening thing.
Not sure if this helps you in any way Elias!
I would like you to know that my H Mac and I are in a good place in our recovery. We have worked hard through this difficult time in our lives and we are closer, happier and perhaps wiser than we have ever been. I pray for it to continue!
All the best to you and yours Elias!
Strength in your journey!!
Jenn

[rosie]

He is the person I chose for life, and he is not the person I thought I knew. That has been the single most difficult and most confusing and most heartbreaking thing about all of this for me. I don't know him.

[betrayed family]

For me...
The most difficult thing is.....The choice of P and MB over me.... over our future.
Betrayedfamily