What Constitutes a Relapse? What is Your Boundary?

[HopeandDespair]

I've decided that P and/or MB constitutes a relapse.

I'm curious as to what other PA's do. . . what is your boundary?

[hellron]

I have multiple levels of what I consider to be relapses

For me, full-fails include things such as P, MB and outright dishonesty/lying (which has been a major problem for me, especially when combined with P/MB)

There's many other behaviors on the way to the above which I consider to be mini-relapses in and of themselves, such as dwelling on/not rejecting sexual thoughts/imagery, actively seeking visual stimuli e.g active scanning, and any sort of 'taking steps towards' or planning acting out

For me, it's not so black-and-white as "this is relapsing, whilst that is not" - intent and state-of-mind has a lot to do with it, but they're also intangible, unprovable and subject to later "editing", which is why I'm now taking a "the facts speak for themselves" attitude that leaves little room for interpretation

For example, if I'm staring at someone, it matters not if I'm mentally objectifying them, or whether I'm trying to figure out whether I went to school with them or not - the facts are that I'm staring, it's inappropriate, and that's that

-- HR

[Phil413]

I've decided that P and/or MB constitutes a relapse.

I'm curious as to what other PA's do. . . what is your boundary?

Great question! For me, deliberately doing anything that arouses, maintains and/or seeks to satisfy lust (and doing it because it arouses, maintains and/or satisfies lust) is a relapse.

P and MB obviously fall into that category, but so do a lot of other things. Anything that arouses me, that I know arouses me, and that I'm doing because it arouses me, counts.

Phil

[chasman62]

No one answer to this question. Each person has to identify the particular behavior or set of behaviors that they are committed to eliminating and develop a strategy to get rid of those activities first, and work on self-improvement to address the underlying reasons why they developed a compulsion in the first place.

There are no absolutes in this, and it is counterproductive to suggest otherwise.

[rouby]

No one answer to this question. Each person has to identify the particular behavior or set of behaviors that they are committed to eliminating and develop a strategy to get rid of those activities first, and work on self-improvement to address the underlying reasons why they developed a compulsion in the first place.

There are no absolutes in this, and it is counterproductive to suggest otherwise.

Although I do agree that we need to identify those behaviors that keeps us in the cycle, I do think there are absolutes:

Intentionality. If I intentionally carve out time in order to view bikini sites or whatever- that is a relapse.

Time is not a factor- it is intent of our hearts and mind that decide.

It is counterproductive to see how close we can get to the line and productive to see how far from the line we want to live.

[Zachary]

Intention, definitely. And before you do anything, if you have any doubts about it, stop and ask yourself "How would this make my SO feel if she found out? Will I feel guilty later?" If the answer to either of those questions is yes, then what you're about to do would probably constitute a relapse.

[stillandagain]

I still caution against making the primary motivator NOT to relapse: "how would this make my SO feel". Hopefully there is a more important internal voice relating to self that has the ultimate power.

[RobP413]

If there is a question
about it being a question,
the question becomes,
if my SO knew everything about it,
would she question my doing it?

[stillandagain]

Four "questions" in one sentence is hard to decifer!

(but its rather clever)

:)

[JenMac]

Hate to quote Dr. Phil, but doesn't he say 'If you wouldn't do it with your spouse present, you shouldn't do it at all.'?
Not sure if it would mean you relapsed but it may mean you are being dishonest and not staying on a clear path.

Jenn