Full Disclosure to SO?

[HopeandDespair]

I have been in a relationship with my SO for about 5 years. She is strongly against P, and has threatened to break up with me in the past over it after discovering my browsing history last year. I promised her that I would quit, and she has yet to find out that I never stopped. I tried, but couldn't. I have also cheating on her numerous times throughout our relationship. I love her and I don't want to lose her. At the same time, it sucks having that elephant in the room all the time.

I'm looking for some insight from others on this sight. . .

1. Is it necessary to fully disclose my past sexual transgressions to her?

2. If so, how should I do this?

3. Is it necessary to get into specific details about everything?

If I did I'm sure she will have tons and tons of questions. . .

I just need some help figuring out what to do, I've never done this before! Help me!!!!

[rosie]

Does she know about any of the cheating?

Look, as a SO maybe I am bias. BUT, I needed to know everything. Every single detail hurt like hell and nearly broke me completely. If we didn't have children and weren't married, I would most likely have left after the disclosure(s) - I still feel a sense that he hasnt told me everything, but I also dont want to know anything else.. I got to a point where I was done with all the hurt from disclosures. I imagine this is your fear... that she will leave.

But she deserves to know. She deserves to know what is going on in her life. She deserves to know so she can make the best decisions for her life. Currently, you have sold her a version of you that she is making life decisions on, and its not real - she doesn't have all of the information. It is really not okay to do that to a person - to dupe them like that.

Part of your recovery is going to involve levelling with yourself and facing scary consequences. Maybe you could see a counsellor and ask what they think?

[maggie]

Hope and Despair

You are clearly concerned about losing your GF or SO.

Asking for help shows that you want to improve yourself as a man and as a partner.

But, step away for a minute and think about what you have written here:

You use P, that means that you are looking at pics of naked women and hiding this from your SO.

She is " strongly against " P and told you that she would leave if you used it again.

You have continued to do the very thing she is opposed to and you know it could end your relationship with her.

You have cheated on her.

These do not sound like actions of being loving.

That said - you came here asking about disclosure. How much to tell her ?

Should you be completely honest ? Yes.

Should you answer all of her questions ? Yes.

Will she accept and forgive all of what you tell her ? Only she knows this.

It may be helpful if you and your GF write out just why you are in a committed relationship with each other.

And if you are in a committed relationship - what do you expect from your partner so that you feel secure in your relationship with her.

And what does she expect from you so that she can feel secure in this relationship.

I don't want to be harsh H & D, but think it is important that you think about the basic reasons that a man and a woman enter a relationship......

Or even why people in general.... form friendships in their lives. We all like to have friends, not just for the fun times....but friends we can trust to
'have our back' when life gets challenging. ... A friend that you trust.

Just some ideas to think about.

[rosie]

Thinking more on this --

Isn't P recovery about giving up P, but also about becoming integral, honest, true as well? Isn't it more than just p?

It's like you are viewing this only from your perspective. If you tell her, you will have to suffer consequences - this is the wrong way to approach this in my opinion. Being integral means doing the right thing EVEN if you don't like what might happen.

And of course, your poor partner. I really feel for her - she would feel like its all her - thats how I felt. I knew something was wrong, I didn't know what, but I could sense that something was wrong, and I blamed myself. Your SO's self esteem is likely taking a huge battering right now even if she doesn't "know".

She really does deserve to know. Step outside of this and stop thinking of yourself - and answer the question, does she deserve to know?

Better yet. Put it this way. Your GF has been viewing P and has cheated multiple times throughout your relationship. Do YOU deserve to know or would you think she should keep it to herself?

I'm concerned that your main concern is "losing her" rather than "hurting her". If anything, I would be more worried about hurting her right now..because that is you thinking of her. "Losing her" is you thinking of you.

[RobP413]

Put it this way: if your SO was my sister, I would hope that you would tell her.

[HopeandDespair]

Well, I didn't hear what I wanted to hear, but all of the feedback only confirmed what I already suspected. It's interesting how anytime I ask for advice it's invariably because I already know the answer and I am either looking for confirmation or a rational contradiction so that I can get myself out of it.

You guys are right. . . I need to bring the truth to the surface. She may break up with me, but until I face the consequences for my actions there will always be this transparent disconnect between her and I. True intimacy will never be attainable.

Rosie you expressed concern that my fear is not so much in hurting her as it is in losing her. Well, it's true. As an addict, I am selfish and self-centered to the extreme. Obviously, that must change if I am to recover, but that's currently where I'm at.

Do I want to hurt her? Absolutely not!

Am I more afraid of how this is going to affect me? Absolutely I am!

My whole life I have tried to play the puppet master, pulling the strings of other people to suit my selfish needs and desires. I'm terrified of revealing the truth, for my power comes in controlling the information others receive. I'm like a corrupted media venue with an underlying agenda. The truth destroys my power.

[betrayed family]

"SHOULD"....... If you are asking this question as a SHOULD instead of a "HOW"...... then YOU need to be TRUE and HONEST with yourself about this relationship. Would you FEEL that "I LOVE HER"..... if you didn't know about 50% of her???
A lot of hiding, lying, manipulating, cheating.... followed by more ...hiding,lying,manipulating, cheating.....
I bet 50% of PA's time and energy are wrapped up in the planning, scheming, ACTING OUT.... of this ADDICTION.
How can you say that you LOVE her..... if you love someone you do not CHOOSE to HURT HER!!! You make this choice EVERYTIME you turn back to P.... and hide,lie,manipulate....
With other addictions..... they are not so easily hidden....
At the bar, you see that he can't stop.... alcoholic.
At the party, he sneaks off into the back room and gets stoned... and another time he asks you to get stoned with him or try this pill...... Drug addict.
THIS ADDICTION......... a dark, selfish, ugly, SECRET!!
My H NEVER once said.... "hey.... wanna watch some P with me while I MB.....
I truely believe that she desrves to know..... she deserves to make a decision about her HEART and her FUTURE with all of the FACTS!!!! IF..... IF...... you care..... you will tell her the TRUTH!!
I WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN.....
Some of the books on TRAUMA caused to an SO from this addiction.... from discovering the TRUTH.... the DEEDS... the BETRAYAL by the one person that you have committed too, given your heart too, planned your FUTURE with ..... Compare the experience to that of being involved in a Natural disaster... like an earth quake.... the SO feels her entire perception of you, her, and the "US" has been wrong... the pain, self doubt, fear, anger, shame, TRUST ...... EARTH QUAKE!!! ( the earth never moved before....it's not supposed to move... when will it move again.?.. how bad will it be when the next one comes?.... how soon will it happen?....Will I ever feel safe again?...)
PLEASE..... get help for yourself to fight this addiction.... BE HONEST with HER.....
Betrayedfamily

[RichBlack]

Welcome hopeanddespair. What would You want to know? Would you want to know if she cheated on You? If she looked at porn? If she was even thinking about someone else when she had sex with You? How much detail would you want? Would you want to know if she enjoyed it? If she would do it again? Better than it was with you? If you are the man you seem to be, you will probably have the same answers that she would answer with. Tell her what you would want to know yourself. Nothing less. She will be upset. Let her be. Don't use excuses. Don't minimize. Don't try to comfort her. Just tell her the truth and listen to her thoughts and feelings. I am not going to lie: she may ask for a separation for any amount of time. This will hurt you, but you must allow it. Your job right now is to be honest with her, and then to recover. Stop the cheating NOW. Stop using the porn NOW. Spend your time working on recovering. You owe it to her. You owe it to yourself. Good luck!

Rich

[RichBlack]

In addition: if nothing else, she will probably want to cease any form of relations with you. If this happens: do not argue or protest. That will only make things worse. If she does want to cease relations you have to understand why. The immediate self-absorbed assumption is that you are in some way defective. This is NOT so. The reason will be because relations with you is no longer private, precious, personal. Relations have been shared with others. That is why she will want to end relations if she wants to do so. Remember this. Like everything else you just need to allow her to do what she needs to do. DO NOT RESIST. I apologize about the caps lock, but I can not say this enough. Do not resist her reaction. Understand that this is the consequences of your actions. You need to allow her to process all of this and give her the space she needs. And don't pry. If she wants to talk then talk, if she doesn't, give her space. If you need to know what is going on in her head and she doesn't want to talk, read the partners threads on here, or perhaps talk to a female mutual friend or a female friend of yours. A mutual friend will probably also be upset at you and you need to just accept that. Talking to a female friend of yours would probably be better. That is all of the advice I have. Other than that. Get sober,work on recovery. Good luck.

Rich

[rosie]

*bump*. What are you thinking H&D?