Learning to Love Yourself

[RichBlack]

That is probably one of the core components of recovery as we work on changing our lives forever. I know this is something I am working hard to accomplish. At the moment my self esteem/self perception goes back and forth to a sort of toleration/indifference to full on hate (when I screw up or fall down). One of my life goals is to learn to love myself. To drastically improve my self esteem and self confidence. And that, I believe is mutually beneficial with the recovery process. Why do we go to porn in the first place? Because we are missing something inside of us, something to make us feel good about ourselves. That something is what we need to find. If we were not missing something we would be able to live a transparent life with the people around us, especially are partners, and would not need anything else other than them to fulfill us. In order to love others, first we must learn to love ourselves. To accept ourselves for who we are. But also strive to meet high expectations and work to better ourselves. I have a tendency to always see the best in people. It is time now to do the same with myself. What does this mean in recovery? It means setting high expectations and meeting them. It means rewarding yourself in healthy ways when you do meet those goals. It means sharing various forms of intimacy (not just sexual) with your partner. It means not beating yourself up when you fall but also not letting yourself get away with anything. When I find myself putting myself down I follow what we all learned in elementary school. For every put down say 5 compliments. I constantly work to change my perception of things every day. If I wake up a little later than I wanted to, instead of yelling at myself in my head, saying I am worthless, lazy, I think, well this is just something I need to work on. If I hit snooze on my alarm clock constantly, instead of beating myself up, I move my alarm clock to the other side of the bedroom. Fix problems, and then allow yourself to feel good about it. I have no doubt than continuing to progress in this area will only increase progress in recovery.
Rich

[EliasHeart]

Hi Rich,

Excellent post with great insight. I agree completely with your self-care tactic you've taken. It is a key integral to recovery and self-discovery.

There are two ways that people are driven to change. One is through push and the other is through pull. The "push" happens when one is fed up of their state and are driven to change out of despair. We are all in this state at some point in our PA recovery. The push is necessary to force many of us into recovery and often unfortunately doesn't happen unless we really hit a low place.

Eventually, however, fighting not to return to "the bad old days" becomes tiring and draining. When one falls in love with themselves and really cares for their own well being and self-discovery, then they start yearning for success. Not because they want to say clean of PA, but because they love themselves. But as a result of wholeness of love for themselves, we find P was naturally shed out of our lives.

This was the turning point that I had a year ago, which had changed my life. I kept fighting and falling, fighting and falling. Finally, I had an opening one day and realized the reason I keep trying was because I love me. I fell in love with myself, and thankfully, I've been P free for a very long time now!

You're on a right track. Congratulations for loving yourself man!
Keep it up.

In kindness,
Elias

[Yechezkel]

Rich, great post and insight! I am going to try your approach, I tend to beat myself up, a lot.

Also I think I will be moving my alarm clock to the other side of my bedroom too, lol :-"

[RichBlack]

Lol. Yes Yechezkel. I only had to hit the snooze button about a thousand times before I finally realized that perhaps moving the alarm clock out of reach might solve the problem! :-j That will have to substitute for the laughing face. Lol.

Rich

[rosie]

What a brilliant post Rich!

I agree with everything you said. It's so important to move towards becoming whole - not just stopping the addictive behaviours.

I constantly work to change my perception of things every day. If I wake up a little later than I wanted to, instead of yelling at myself in my head, saying I am worthless, lazy, I think, well this is just something I need to work on. If I hit snooze on my alarm clock constantly, instead of beating myself up, I move my alarm clock to the other side of the bedroom. Fix problems, and then allow yourself to feel good about it. I have no doubt than continuing to progress in this area will only increase progress in recovery.

This is great - and hard to do. I didn't even know I had a 'nasty' inner voice putting me down until I started to meditate frequently. I was often shocked at how much I wanted to be self-abusive with very negative put downs.

As well as changing perceptions, are you taking time out to give to yourself in doing things you love and things that make you feel great inside? I find this crucial for myself.. although I still have to struggle with putting everything else before that. I don't know if this is a mother-thing, or just a person-thing.. but it sure is hard!

See my sig!! It ties into this :D