P is a "reward"??

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I have read several posts where people say they start thinking of P as their reward for being "good". As in "I have been good lately, I haven't looked at P, I am a good dad/husband, so I deserve some P".

Why do you need a reward for being a husband and dad? If your reward for being a good husband is being less of a husband, perhaps you need to redefine your concept of "good husband". If you need a reward for a good marriage, your reward shouldn't be less marriage. If you need a reward for being a good husband, perhaps you need to redefine your idea of marriage.

If your reward for not looking at P is more P, then that also makes no sense.

If your marriage is something you endure to get to the good stuff (looking at P), then what does that say about your beliefs about marriage? The marriage should be the good stuff.

These are random thoughts about P as a reward. I welcome discussion on this topic.

Added: I wrote about husbands, but I really meant to just write about any type of committed relationship.

[stillandagain]

just the initial thought of this question makes me sick to my stomach, literally. I do not want to even consider that this is a possibility, but I guess it gives me another question to ask or direction to go.

[clm]

I've heard it mentioned by PAs that they also thought of P as something they deserved because of things like a "tough day at work" or "a fight with my wife" or some other seeming injustice they have endured.

[JenMac]

Is this not just another excuse to use? Seems to me that may be the case. Especially if the person is subconciously feeling that it may be wrong, they may use an excuse like this to give themselves reason (in their mind anyway) to use without feeling the guilt associated with it.

Jenn

[rosie]

Yeah, I do this when i'm dieting... feel like I can have a chocolate as a treat because I have been good for two weeks :((

That's because food isn't used for its purpose with me - its an emotional thing.. just like P is a tool to deal with emotions.
:((

If someone is viewing P as a reward, then they are not in recovery IMO. They are also completely uneducated about how disgusting porn is...how could you find it rewarding to watch women be abused on screen? But we know this stuff isn't rational...

I think its part and parcel with PA. PA's have dysfunction in dealing with emotions and stress and objects. To them, it might be like a having a pizza on a Friday night after eating healthy all week. If P is being used as a reward, the PA is not in recovery because it shows they are still objectifying, and placing P alongside 'gifts' and 'amazing things' - making P God. They are doomed to fail..

So let's look at it.. what do PA's get from watching P? From what I have learned, they get - dominance, control, selfish sexual gratification, they get to be the master of their domain - they don't have to anticipate the needs of others, they get to feel like a hero. Most men clearly find this attractive - it makes them feel "manly", and that is the reward. P is never going to be the actual reward - the feelings are.
Of course, afterwards they will feel dissatisfied because P only feels good momentarily before the shame sets in.

[Beanhead]

Of course, afterwards they will feel dissatisfied because P only feels good momentarily before the shame sets in.

That describes me exactly.

I used P to feel better but then I'd feel guilty and ashamed. I'd hide this from stillandagain, but she knew it; she would often say that she felt me distancing myself from her. I'd stop using P for awhile (sometimes for months) but then I'd feel the need to "feel better" and I'd turn to P for that feeling.

And the cycle would start all over again.

[rosie]

That describes me exactly.

I used P to feel better but then I'd feel guilty and ashamed. I'd hide this from stillandagain, but she knew it; she would often say that she felt me distancing myself from her. I'd stop using P for awhile (sometimes for months) but then I'd feel the need to "feel better" and I'd turn to P for that feeling.

And the cycle would start all over again.

Yes, its a very common scenario. My husband went months without using it...sometimes weeks, sometimes days. It is easy to think it might not be an addiction if you dont do it every day.

But if you really think about it, you probably 'act out' in 'less' ways every day to feel better. The truth is, if you dont have coping skills to make yourself feel better, you would be doing things all the time that give you an insta-fix, within the bounds of 'acceptable'. This could include; ogling, fantasizing (within ur mind), and other objectifying behaviors.

I know with my HB he drinks energy drinks for 'pick me ups', he also smokes and gets consumed in computer games. It's all the same stuff - avoidance and dealing with negative emotions. :|

[RobP413]

I have read several posts where people say they start thinking of P as their reward for being "good". As in "I have been good lately, I haven't looked at P, I am a good dad/husband, so I deserve some P".

Why do you need a reward for being a husband and dad?

I think this is why it is really important for anyone recovering from an addiction to have a new number 1 priority.. in this case, to avoid P. That is it. That is the new, simple, number 1 priority. Not being a good husband. Not being a good dad, for example. Those CANNOT be the number 1 priority for a PA.

The reason, IMO, is that we are too good at rationalizing things. It is NOT to devalue a role as husband/father, etc., because ultimately that is the point. But if, as a recovering PA, I have my priorities set where I say, number 1, be a good husband/father, number 2, avoid P, then it always eventually comes down to a situation where you sit and tell yourself that if you have P, it will help you be a better husband/father. It'll be a good stress relief or whatever other BS you come up with. You can submit to P because you can rationalize some way that it will "fulfill/enhance" your number 1 priority, even if it really doesn't.

So IMO... the only way to really get over P, for me anyway, and many may disagree with me, is to say, #1 priority, very simple, avoid P. It's not a reward or anything other than something to be avoided.

[Edge]

In my own experience, as a recovering PA, the 'reward zone' is a serious danger zone. Whenever I've entertained this notion of a reward for 'good' behavior, it's ultimately and inevitably lead to a relapse. Sobriety is its own reward.

[tntang]

there should never be a need for p to think of it as a reward is to think i would like to be in a plane when it crashes